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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Okay this time, I really need help

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Author Topic: Okay this time, I really need help
Ste-Funnie
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Hi. I'm trying to ask that girl out through message, but I'm sitting there all hot, my brain won't let me think and my hands won't type. I mean they're typing on here, haha lol. But I tried asking my mom what should I say, and she said "This should come from you." Then she had an idea that I can type the ask-out and she'll read it and see if its good enough. But the problem is, my hands refuse to type. My brain is telling me "No I'm not giving you any words." I don't know what to do!!! [Confused]

FYI, if you help me and I can't understand a word ure saying, I won't bug you. I'll try my best to figure it out.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
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Hi Ste-Funnie,

I'm not sure if this is the kind of answer you're looking for, but personally I would keep it simple like "Hey, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me this weekend. I think it would be great to see you." Or something along those lines. Doesn't have to be over the weekend too, you can just substitute any day you were thinking of.

Do you think that would work?

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Vero
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Ste-Funnie
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Thanks, and I figured it out. I really wanted to ask her to be my girlfriend. I sent her the message last night and now I'm too scared to check my messages to look at the response. I've been asking myself, do I dare look? What should I do now?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Carpe Diem
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Well, if you don't look then you'll never know, so checking your messages would be a good place to start. I understand that it may seem daunting, but if it were me I would want to know either way.

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"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain."
-Joseph Campbell

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Ste-Funnie
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I looked at it. She said "sorry i'm not that interested". [Frown] I'm confused though. Why did she say that she wanted a chance to date me in the first place? Why would she say that? I wish she didn't say that. Her exact words were "I would like the chance to date you and get to know you more". She said "date"! Right there in black and white. Why would she say that and then say she's not interested? Either she was going through a phase and liked me for one day or maybe this was all a set up!!!

If I didn't wanna date someone, I wouldn't say that I do! It's like why would I say I want juice when I don't? I wish I wasn't so happy in the first place when she said that! I'd rather be sad and depressed till the real thing. I knew I was going to get turned down from the start!

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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I am really sorry to hear that you didn't get the response you would have liked to hear, and that you are upset.

A lot of people understand "dating" to be a time of getting to know another person better. That means that they have an initial interest in the person, and would like to explore it further. And sometimes you get to know a person better and find out that you'd be a really great fit for each other, and other times, as you spend more time with them, you realize that you don't work so well together after all.

This means that she probably wasn't lying to you when she said that she wanted to date you. You have been dating, in the sense that you've been hanging out and talking, and getting to know each other.

If you don't understand why she decided that she did not want to pursue it further, by all means, you can ask her. But I would try not to get too worked up about it. After all, this has only been going on for a little while.

[ 03-01-2011, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Being someone's girlfriend and wanting to date them aren't the same thing to a lot of people.

So, if, as I understand it, you asked if she would be your girlfriend, her saying she wasn't interested in that would not necessarily be the same thing as wanting to date. She may have added that she wanted to get to know you more to make clear that she wasn't asking about something committed yet.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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No! No! No! If we're just getting to know each other wouldn't it be just friends? You call all of that dating? I'm only looking for a relationship, and either I'm in a relationship or just friends with people.

Plus, when I'd tell her the kind of person is my type she would be happy. I'm sure she knew what I meant bc I didn't say "my type". I said "I'm attracted to (that kind of person)" and she would get excited and be like "YES!!!"

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
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I'm going to ask you yet again to please not yell at me or create an argument.

When people say "dating," a lot of the time what they mean is the process of getting to know someone with the idea of possibly pursuing a romantic relationship. In other words, dating is often seen as the way you spend time together and see if a romantic relationship or a girlfriend/boyfriend thing is something you both will want and which feels like a good fit.

Not everyone treats it or views it that way, however lots of people will not want to commit to any kind of relationship before they have gotten to know that person, which makes a whole lot of sense. So, you may want to rethink how you're conceptualizing relationships and recognize that being only platonic friends OR being committed romantic partners, with no in between, often isn't sound or workable for a lot of people.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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That's understandable, but I'm not sure if it is like that where she wants to lead to it, b/c her exact words were "I'm not interested".

If that was the case what you told me that people mean by dating, then I really wish I knew it then when she said that! I jumped to conclusion and got all that excited for nuttin. I feel like a butt-head and now I don't know how to put any effort into this. But if you're tired of helping me, it's cool.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Do you have anyone, like your aide, perhaps, or your Mom, who you can sit down with and kind of talk through all of what pursuing romantic relationships can involve?

One of the reasons I ask that is that a lot of the time, when you talk about relationships, your ideas seem to mostly be coming from television or fairy tales, both of which are not good places to look for some realistic sense of how things can and often do go.

I'm not sure what this girl is thinking or feeling, either, especially without knowing exactly what you asked her, and also knowing what she meant, and if she means she's just lost interest altogether OR if she just is not ready to be, or interested now in being, your girlfriend: that's something to ask her about for more clarity.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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I sat and talked with my mom and she said I should take a break from PFY, and do something else. She also said I'm going to be love sick and hurt a lot in life. She says she'd rather see me happy even if I end up disappointed afterwards. And you should get your hopes up at least once in a while.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I'm a big fan of everything your Mom just said.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68237 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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