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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Am I Being Manipulated?

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Author Topic: Am I Being Manipulated?
Member # 34857

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Long story time. ={

So my girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a few months now but in the past 6 or so months we've been fighting and before this we hadn't had even one fight. (And we've known each other for at least 6 years.)

And as the fights have progressed, they've gotten worse and more frequents and now any little thing that set us off!

And this has caused us both to struggled greatly with our self esteem and our doubt that the other loves us.

But as long as I have known her, she has always had a way to draw me into her mood bubble. She suffers from severe depression and A.D.H.D. as well as O.C.D. and many times that leads to her sometimes going hyper on me, but mostly, falling into a deep, deep depression where all she does is go over and over her problems.

So for months, simply months, we've been trying everything in the book to try and fix this fighting. Before, she was blaming herself for it, but now she keeps saying that she's done all she can do, she can't do anything else, that I'm selfish and I don't care about her, that I need to fix this and that every-time I promise to change like she wants me to, I'll just "do it again", that is, fight with her. [Frown]

She tells me that I am not giving anything or doing anything to improve the situation.

And when I am with her, talking to her, even just IMing her, I believe this. I think whole-heartedly that I must be solely to blame and therefore, a sad little lump of crap.

But when I'm away from her, I seem to see things more clearly. I know that even if this is partly my fault, it's hers too. And I can't see what she's given. She's cried about it and tried to make deals with God and she's also just shut down, refusing to say anything and called herself worthless. But she hasn't tried to do anything. She hasn't actually given anything. And every time I think I can finally explain this to her, we get in another fight and I feel like it's my fault again.

She's always saying that she's alone, but I've talked to her every single night for over 5 years (at least!). Every night. Every night plus sleep-overs, day-visits, park-trips and mall-trips. I have made an effort to listen and I can't stop myself from wanting to try to help when things are wrong. And I think I've let my empathy get the best of me.

But the big issue just smacked us in the face. I got very very sad. And I tried, basically, to become anorexic, but I hated it enough that I told her what I was doing and then I gained the strength to eat normally again. However. She told me that if I stopped eating again, she would cut herself.

And a night ago, she did. Not on the wrist, on the other side of her arm- but she promised not to, just as I promised to eat. I don't think I can't trust her anymore. I think that she is depressed but I also thing her depression, among other things, keeps her so self centered she can't see the other side of the mess. I think that all of this lead her to manipulating people, myself included. I am, however, unsure, even though she exercises nearly complete control over nearly everything I do. Not only that, but I have a tendency to plan things around her- even things that don't have anything to do with her, "Would she like to do this?" "Oh no, that has too many people, she wouldn't like that." "I have to finish this before such a time so that I can call her" "I should talk to her about this before going on with it".

But if she is Manipulating me, how do I stop it without pushing her over the edge?

I think I should tell someone that she cut herself, but I'm afraid that it will not only ruin our relationship, but cause her to go to even more extreme measures when if she wants to manipulate me in the future.

Help...? =(

[ 08-31-2007, 11:19 PM: Message edited by: gaydar_luv ]

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." ~Robin Tyler

Posts: 4 | From: On the Edge of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 5375

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First, I love your username.

This relationship does not sound healthy. If you feel constantly manipulated and neither of you feel like the other is doing anything to solve you problems I'm not sure what you can have going right.

It also sounds like both of you have things you need to work out that are independent of your relationship. I'm not sure what prompted you to attempt anorexia, but that cannot be a good headspace to find yourself in. You mentioned your girlfriend has ADHD, OCD and depression to deal with; has she been diagnosed with any of these things? Is she currently receiving treatment or any professional help?

The bottom line is you are each responsible for you own health. No one can "fix" anyone but themselves, and even that can be more than we can do without qualified help. Given how you've described this relationship, I don't think it's benefiting either of you. It sounds like it's actually detrimental to your wellbeing instead of a source of support or something that makes you happy.

I suggest you both put your health first and take a break from this relationship to work on that.

“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 32522

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This sounds slightly familiar to my boyfriend and I. Recently, all we've been doing is fighting. A day hasn't gone by in 2 weeks that we weren't trying to rend out each other's throats.

We realized how much this was hurting the both of us, and decided to take a 3 week break to re-evaluate ourselves. After 3 weeks, we may stay together, and we may break up. Who knows. The point is that we are trying, and we're recognizing the problems we currently have.

That said, a break may be in order for the two of you. Some time apart, some time to reflect on oneself, and look inward.

think about it

Posts: 51 | From: CA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34857

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Alright. I just thought I'd update the situation for anyone who wanted to know how it was going, I guess. (lol, if anyone wanted to know... ^^;; )

Anywho. Long story short, my girlfriend and I broke up and we're not really talking anymore. Because. I do love her, but it's like we're on different planets, you know? It's like we don't click anymore, like we're not compatible. =(

It makes me sad that this happened, but I think this will work out better in the long-run... thanks both of you for your advice, I really appreciate it and I wish it would have worked out between me and my gf.

^^; heh. Thanks again.

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work: "Hello. Can't work today, still queer." ~Robin Tyler

Posts: 4 | From: On the Edge of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness | Registered: Aug 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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Thanks for the update. [Smile]

Break-ups are never fun but I think you're right when you say things will eventually work out for the best this way. Good for you for going through with it.

“I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns.” --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 47081

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Hey I can really relate to your story. I'm actually strait but I literally could have written your entire post word for word and it would be not only an accurate, but well worded summary of my relationship with my girlfriend.

I'm going to offer you some bold advice.
It's time to realize, and fully accept the fact that your girlfriend is FULL OF SH*T.
That does NOT mean however, that you should stop having empathy.
Yes you let it get the better of you, but deception is the sole cause of it.

My girlfriend is the master of turning things around on me. Everytime I would confront her about something that WITHOUT A DOUBT was something really bad that she did, I would end up confused, not remembering exactly what my point was, although it seemed so clear and simple a moment ago. Then she would take it to the next level by using my inconsistency(because she had confused me) as grounds to question my own credibilty. It's the one, two, knock out.

Well organized, clear thinking eventually put an end to this cycle. Some tips:
-Whatever the issue is, don't over-intellectualize it. Don't be embarassed about needing to re state the problem in a couple of simple words, over, and over, and over again.
-Be aware of the basic tactics of manipulation/turning things around. Playing dumb. Diversion. Pretending to be insane. Taking offense to being accused of lying. Pretending to believe her own lies.

Lastly, in regards to her being a manipulative person. Don't expect her to admit to it out loud. To put it simply, she isn't going to want to 'incriminate' herself....she probably manipulates everyone else she knows too.

Oh one more. Don't become deceptive yourself, but if there's one thing you should learn to be able to hide a little, it's your feelings on issues where she really might have hurt your feelings, and is lying about something. The reason is because emotions can be blinding, and if something hurts you, in the heat of passion of discussing, it means you kind of NEED to be tricked into believing it's not true. This provides true fuel for her fire.

Posts: 1 | From: USA | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey, poop4christ? This person has posted in this thread that she is not in this relationship anymore, so giving her advice on how to deal with a relationship she's not in doesn't make any sense.

And if your own relationship is full of manipulation and deception, we'd advise you consider the same for yourself: staying in something manipulative that's making you unhappy also doesn't make sense.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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