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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Casual encounters and jealousy

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Author Topic: Casual encounters and jealousy
jo27
Neophyte
Member # 24757

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For a month or so I’ve been having casual encounters with my friend. She was always hesitant because she is a bit older and a whole lot more experienced than I am (I’m 22, she’s 28; I've had all of one girlfriend), and under the impression I am the “forever after” type. We did, however, play around some, a number of times. The other night I was around at hers with some others, far too drunk for my own good, and am told I was glowering when she was getting close to a male friend. Later in the evening her male **** buddy came around, which I didn’t take too well; I have many neuroses about losing out to boys despite her assurances that she likes sex with girls as much as sex with boys. From these events she’s concluded I “can’t do casual”, and that she should have stopped things earlier.

I contest her assertion that I am the forever after type. The last thing in the world I want right now is a girlfriend. I have many other things to focus on, and I enjoy being single. A lot. All I want is a bit of sexual distraction. Despite this I do find myself jealous of the male **** buddy (I don’t remember the glowering, to be honest, and I don’t see why on earth I would object to her getting close to someone with no sexual intentions. But drunkenness does things). I wish that I could just switch that off. I can’t. I do, however, think that I could work to overcome it, and I enjoyed playing around with her enough to overcome much larger obstacles than that.

My problem, I guess, is that I really, really don’t want things to stop, and I suspect she doesn’t either, but she thinks that I can’t handle. Is it possible to work though this sort of irrational, instinctual, unintentional jealousy? Or is she right and I just need to find a girlfriend? (I can’t imagine anything more depressing right now than having to go through all the dating rigmarole when really all I want is sex) I gather that even people who are in polyamorous relationships get jealous sometimes; it doesn’t make them any less poly (not that this is in any sense a formal “relationship”, just various permutations of casual sex). Does experience really mean that she knows me better than I know me?

Above and beyond that, the idea of convincing her to give me another go, of essentially begging for sex, makes me cringe on some level. I’ve already lost a lot of my dignity and I would like to keep the rest. But I want this so very much. It had been so, so very long since I felt that alive.

Posts: 16 | From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It sounds to me like for starters, you need to just accept that she's made clear she's decided she's not comfortable sleeping with you anymore right now, and leave that ball in her court.

Whether her assessment of you was correct or not, she still gets to have one and decide if a sexual relationship is right for her. Sounds like she's decided it isn't.

I also think that beyond respecting her in this, that in terms of taking care of yourself, your heart, and your esteem it's best you just leave this for now, rather than try to convince her to change her mind. As well, this is kind of the deal with more casual relationships: they come and they go more quickly and easily, and if we're going to have them, I think we need to only do so at times when we're okay with that kind of easy-come-easy-go.

It's hard for me to speak to some of your other questions just based on the information you gave here: that's not a lot to go on for such big questions. Yes, even people in poly experience jealousy sometimes, and the issue there is usually just about how someone manages it, if they do so well, and if they and their partners feel like poly is a workable model for all of them or not.

I don't know if she made a more correct assessment of you than you're making of yourself. But it might be helpful to you to think about why it's so important to you to feel like you should try and continue something casual someone else said they want to nix?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jo27
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Member # 24757

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I absolutely respect her boundaries and her decisions. To the bitter end. I would never dream of doing anything that she was uncomfortable with. From all that I've gathered, though, it isn't the sex she's uncomfortable with (in fact she has been holding back in that respect, as she has said) - it's the possibility of hurting me.

I suppose it is important to me because I'd been two and a half years without any form of sexual contact, barely even any form of touch, and having it again was a revelation to the senses. It feels as though if I gave it up now, it might be another two or three years before I had it again, another two or three years before I would get to feel so invigorated, so much like a human being rather than an inert brain in a jar. I guess that is the bit that hurts.

I do, however, get what you're saying about casual being easy-come-easy-go, and I suspect I want something more regular. These things take a while to figure out.

Posts: 16 | From: Canada | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
I suppose it is important to me because I'd been two and a half years without any form of sexual contact, barely even any form of touch, and having it again was a revelation to the senses. It feels as though if I gave it up now, it might be another two or three years before I had it again, another two or three years before I would get to feel so invigorated, so much like a human being rather than an inert brain in a jar. I guess that is the bit that hurts.
I hear you. That certainly would feel like a loss, and I can understand feeling like you wish you didn't have to let it go. Sorry you're hurting.

quote:
From all that I've gathered, though, it isn't the sex she's uncomfortable with (in fact she has been holding back in that respect, as she has said) - it's the possibility of hurting me.
And that may be why she's not comfortable continuing the relationship, something she gets to have as a reason, just like anyone else would. I don't think there are really valid or invalid reasons for waiting to continue something: I think our wants in and of themselves are valid in that respect, if you get me.

And with something casual, for sure, if a casual partner feels like their casual partner may get hurt in that model, that's one common reason to bow out (and that can make a person feel less comfy with the sex, especially if part of why they're choosing something casual is because they want to be less invested emotionally), and one that actually is pretty mindful and respectful of everyone.

[ 02-22-2010, 03:09 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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