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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » HELP! relationship apathy

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Author Topic: HELP! relationship apathy
Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Okay, so I've been here almost two years and never wanted to talk about this subject because I thought it would go away. It hasn't. I've always been able to identify "hot" people, people who I deem attractive, but then when I date someone, I don't seem to have any drive to want to touch them or sleep with them. And even moreso, I don't like them to touch me. I have a better time going out and doing activities with them, but I'm still a sexual person- I flirt, I roleplay online, I write smut, and I draw suggestive comics about women.

I've tried everything. I thought it meant I was a lesbian, but it's the same with girls. I thought it meant I was trans (I've had gender issues) but it was the same when I was with my ex boyfriend who is also ftm identified. Not only is it frusterating, I cannot explain myself and with everything else, I make perfect sense.

I find myself attracted to a person until I spend a lot of time with him or her and physical-ness gets involved. Then, I want to get away from them. Every relationship I've had has ended because of this (like 8 people or so).

It sucks. It really sucks. Am I assexual? If I'm stone, why do I get repelled about physical contact? I used to think it was because I was sexually harassed as a child but this is going on a bit too long, and plus, I had a breast reduction surgery so I'm happier with my body.

Please help! I have a new girlfriend and the same thing happened.

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"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

Posts: 116 | From: Olympia, WA | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Can I ask why you're entering into relationships with an expectation you'll be sexual when it's not something you're feeling?

It does sound like you simply may not feel the desire to be sexual, which is what people who ID as asexual report: not necessarily not having sexual desires or feelings, just not having the desire to enact them with others. However, at the same time, if you have sexual abuse or harassment in your history that may also be the issue. Did you have any therapy?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Can I ask why you're entering into relationships with an expectation you'll be sexual when it's not something you're feeling?

It does sound like you simply may not feel the desire to be sexual, which is what people who ID as asexual report: not necessarily not having sexual desires or feelings, just not having the desire to enact them with others. However, at the same time, if you have sexual abuse or harassment in your history that may also be the issue. Did you have any therapy?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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I have had therapy. I went to counseling because of what happened in seventh grade (I'm twenty now). People used to assume I was a slut because of the size of my breasts and I have felt a strong desire to be seen as masculine and "untouchable." I've also been going to a queer group therapy session since I was in high school and just recently, I had a counselor who was assisting me with trans "issues". I'll feel 'cured' and want to go out into the world again, but then it will get to a certain point, and I'll feel completely bothered again.

I always have an initial attraction to the people I date but then I'll back off. I wish I had an explanation for this.

(thank you for being so quick with this reply)

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-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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oh, and more on the first question- I always feel like I could be sexual with the person. I can imagine it and it seems okay until I'm in the situation. I've always been an ambitious, loud, fun-loving person but when it comes to sex (with me in it), I become quiet, shy, and, I think, boring. I struggle to think of how to divert the other person. When I'm with a woman, I enjoy certain things (like kissing) more; with boyfriends I feel nothing and am left bored.

I switch from dressing feminine to masculine. It's just... really, really confusing!

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-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Heather
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Well, I feel like we should really address your gender issues and identity separate from this, but that's only if you feel like those issues ARE separate. What do you think?

(Of course, if you're defining masculine AS untouchable, I'd say that's certainly something we'll want to discuss, period.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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No, when it comes to others, I know no stereotypes.

I think the gender issues have been dealt with enough, but I bring them up only because they're just as frusterating and serve as a possible reason why. But then, again I don't know.
My problem is, if I was happy as anything, I'd accept it, but I never feel at peace, no matter who I'm with or what I'm defining myself as. There's always discomfort. And I've never met someone else who has been so against sexual physical contact.

--------------------
-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Heather
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What's always a bit tough about things like this is when someone is so young.

In other words, if you were reporting a lifetime of feeling like this at 40 or 50, it'd be a bit of a different story to be reporting it when, frankly, there are still people your age who have not had any kind of sexual experience or felt a strong desire to have that yet. I know full well that "why don't you wait and see a little longer," is the world's most frustrating advice, but what I'd suggest for now is that you both do that AND really make a point of not pursuing any romantic relationships without being able to bring up this pattern with that other person so that both they and you can adjust your expectations accordingly. After all, feeling like you have to be sexual to keep relationships is not going to help no matter what is going on.

And if it helps, while you may never have met anyone else expressing what you are, as someone working in this arena, it certainly isn't the first time I have heard these kinds of feelings expressed. I'd not call them common, but I'd also not say there are only a few people in the world struggling in this way.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Thanks. It's kind of frusterating that it seems society's perception of a relationship is that there has to be sex, when I'd almost be happier just having good friends. I don't know. Do you think I should break up with my current girlfriend? I know she's definitely interested in having sex- she's really comfortable with her sexuality. I know I want to be friends with her, but I don't want to sound lame.

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-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Heather
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Thing is, none of us date society. We date people, who are very diverse. All relationships are self-designed, not culturally designed. And you also don't have to date anyone: if you just want good friends, why date?

(Let's please not use "lame" here, okay?)

There's nothing lily-livered about asking someone to be your friend, nor in making clear that you just have yet to feel comfortable with sex. I assume that someone who has the status of being a girlfriend is someone you've gotten pretty close to, so I'm not sure why there is still the expectation of sex on her part: I'd expect you'd have talked about this together by now. If you haven't yet, then by all means, I would.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Okay, I really wasn't meaning it to sound offensive. It's just- it's happened so many times before and that's the way I feel.

Thanks for your help.

--------------------
-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

Posts: 116 | From: Olympia, WA | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I understand you're feeling low. I just think we can express that without using ableist language, that's all.

That aside, do you feel like you have some new ways to approach this now, or do you still want to talk it through more?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Okay, I'm really sorry. With the rise of the use of that word around me in ways such as the ever popular "lamesauce" (sigh. the internet) , I wasn't thinking of its former meaning.

I have no idea what to think of this, simply because it's the first time I've really told myself assexuality might be what's up. But in answer to your question about why I hadn't told my girlfriend- the answer is that until I get to the point where the relationship becomes sexual on the other person's side, I won't think of it. Because it's not something that I expect.

I don't know what else there is to be said, though. [Frown]

--------------------
-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Heather
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I think that it's worth trying to just be honest about this from the get-go. What do you have to lose, really?

I see that doing so offers you a lot more to gain. It may be that being able to be honest makes you feel differently about sex. Or, it may be that you still feel the same way when it comes to not having want of partnered sex, but that you wind up only investing time and energy in relationships where that's just fine by the other person. I think no matter how you slice it, bringing this to the table before someone else has time to make all sorts of (often reasonable, but not when it comes to you) assumptions and expectations stands to benefit you a lot.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67994 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bonnie.N.Clyde
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She and I broke up- I explained these thoughts to her and we're going to stay friends. I mean- I've always been honest but it's never gotten to this point until now.

I just really don't understand myself. But I guess that's a normal thing, in a way.

--------------------
-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

Posts: 116 | From: Olympia, WA | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Heather,

I finally have had some positive experiences and I'm doing really well. I am comfortable with my physical self. I wanted to update that here.

Sasha

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-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

Posts: 116 | From: Olympia, WA | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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