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Author Topic: how do I tell her?
fallchild
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Okay so last night I went on a first date with a really great girl that I met a couple days ago. We hit it off REALLY well [Smile] And it was my first date where we were both openly gay, were openly interested in each other, and there was a total lack of guessing games so I actually really enjoyed myself.

Thing is, I don't know how well it's going to go with this girl, but I'm sorta terrified to tell her I've never had a girlfriend before. I also don't know how to tell her that my best friend is also my ex-fiance and that we will hang out from time to time. I don't know how to tell her that I cope with anxiety, bipolar disorder, self injury, drug use, and alcoholism. Basically I feel like I came across as this cool person in the first date but she'll slowly start to find out that I'm a bit of a mess. Arghhhh.

But pretty much the biggest thing I'm scared about is the fact I've never done anything other than kissing with a girl. I'm not scared to DO things with a girl, I'm just embarrassed about telling her I haven't done anything. How do I talk to her about this stuff without freaking her out, looking like a total idiot, and not feeling embarassed? Well, too late about the embarassment part. Anyway, it's just feeling overwhelming. Can you help me sort this out?

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Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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Honestly, I think if she really likes you, she'll see past all the "complications." Of course, I don't say sit down and give her a run-down of everything wrong with your life, but rather play a game of 'this and that', so to speak. Ask her if she wants to play a game, then start off by saying something about yourself- then she returns. It's a great, fun way of getting things off of your chest and getting to know each other. And remember, no one is perfect. She has flaws, too.. And honesty and communication are a MUST in any healthy relationship. As for being "inexperienced", I don't think she'll really care. Who knows, maybe she is, too, and if not, she was at some point and time, right? Relax and be yourself. You said it yourself, it felt nice.

[ 02-09-2009, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Typical Young and Dumb Teenager? ]

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Young and Dumb.
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bluejumprope
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quote:
Basically I feel like I came across as this cool person in the first date but she'll slowly start to find out that I'm a bit of a mess. Arghhhh.
Personally, I've never met anyone who wasn't a mess. I think as people get to know each other revealing one's complexity is just par for the course.

quote:
How do I talk to her about this stuff without freaking her out, looking like a total idiot, and not feeling embarassed?
I don't think any of the things you're talking about are freaky, stupid or embarrassing. They are personal, and I think it's fine to disclose them as you want to and feel it's the appropriate thing to do.

I'm a big fan of talking about being uncomfortable and starting sentences like, "I feel anxious telling you this, but I want you to know...". That tends to diffuse a lot of the embarrassment factor for me, and helps me talk about challenging topics.

I think this Sexpert article talks about the fears around first-time sex really well: Managing Vulnerability & Sexual Insecurity

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without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

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cool87
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quote:
Personally, I've never met anyone who wasn't a mess.
Personally, I am not really comfortable with people calling other people who are dealing with issues or have been dealing with issues a mess even if that includes everyone (because pretty much everyone is dealing with their own issues). I also do not agree with you saying that our complexities make us a mess. Let's just try to keep the atmosphere positive here maybe, okay ? Thanks !

Even if we're all having our own issues and that some people might be loaded with more issues than others, I don't think this makes anyone a mess.

Some of the issues that we might have can contribute posivitely to give you an example to make us a stronger person so therefore I don't think it's really accurate to say that it has made someone a mess because it helped them grow as a person, made them stronger, teached them something and that is positive. It's not necessarily all negative, there can be some positives out of every issue we have to deal with throughout the course of our life and I just think that it would be best to focus on those rather than on the negatives.

[ 02-11-2009, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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bluejumprope
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I hear you, cool. I agree. I didn't mean "mess" or "complex" in a negative way at all. I was using it in a more neutral, celebratory, "we're all in this crazy, terrible world together, struggling, growing" sort of way. I wish people's "issues" were more generally seen as normal, positive things too.

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without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

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cool87
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Thanks, I really appreciate you making that clear as it could be interpreted otherwise by some people. [Smile]

[ 02-11-2009, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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fallchild
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Thank you VERY much bluejumprope; that article you linked really helped me feel better. I also had a good talk with another queer friend of mine yesterday because she went through the exact same thing when she was dating her first girlfriend.

So when the timing is right, I'm just going to tell her that I've never been sexual with a girl and that I'll need her to be supportive and patient, that I'm going to need some time before we do certain sexual activities, and that safer sex is really important to me. I've been in enough abusive and manipulative relationships where none of those things were respected and I never want to go through that again.

I just keep telling myself that if she isn't okay with any of those boundaries then she's not worth me dating [Smile]

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"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

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bluejumprope
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That sounds freaking awesome, fallchild [Smile]

Good luck.

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without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

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CJT
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fallchild, YES! It can be so hard to put your needs and limits out there, but I think you're spot on: if the person you're interested in can't respect and support those vulnerabilities, needs, desires, and limits, then they are not worth your time and energy.

I hope it does not come to that, for you, but it's kind of an awesome realization to make for yourself, no?

Posts: 384 | From: Philadelphia, PA | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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