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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » am i? or aren't i? that is the question . . .

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Author Topic: am i? or aren't i? that is the question . . .
Member # 36052

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i really hate labels but the label that i think i am is 'bisexual'. i've been going back and forth with this for years now, probably since age 13 (i found masturbating to lesbian porn at that age and it was the greatest feeling i ever experienced compared to only masturbating to straight porn before). i'm 18 years old and i'm in my first relationship with a guy (im a girl btw). its great. i really like him but i find it hard to really concentrate on what he's doing to me when we're involved sexually. i have yet to have an orgasm. it got to be to the point where once i even thought about a girl and it felt better. we've talked about it before but he doesnt know the depth of my curiousity. when i masturbate, i mainly do it to lesbian porn. matter of fact, straight porn is a bore to me. it does absolutely nothing for me. he knows this bc i told him, but he still may not have any idea. it's almost like i like boys but i dont really want to pursue anything sexual with them, HOWEVER i want girls sexually but i don't want to pursue a relationship with them. so, i'm in a pickle haha. i'm going of to college this month and while i care about him greatly, i won't be being true to myself. in reality i don't want to end things but this has been nagging me for far too long. one of my friends told me i should 'train' myself and watch straight porn when masturbating even though lesbian porn feels better (he's going through the samething as me). he told thats what he did even though it didnt really work. i try so hard to enjoy the sex that we have and the other things that we do, and i do enjoy it, but sometimes i feel that theres something more for me. when we do things, i'm on always on the brink of an orgasm, but i can never get there no matter what i tell him i like and he does it. it just doesnt work. im not really into it, but i like to please him. i look at girls just as much as a look at guys. i dont always like to address it as much but i am an admirer of ppl altogether. im just really, really scared of being judged. my family wouldnt accept my bisexuality even though i know my friends would support me. i just dont feel very fulfilled. my bf and i have problems that we don't always address but my freaking out over small things could be because of this. i really want to talk to him about it and not make him feel bad but my sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with what he is or isnt doing right. i've always been scared to indulge in things maybe thats the reason why but i can't live with myself knowing that i'm attracted to girls really, so for the last year, i've been pushing it away. my religion too, nobody would accept it. i'm the one thats "going places" in my family but i know that it's about my happiness. i know i'm rambling and things but i'm trying to get somebody to understand. i'm attracted to men... i like the way they look, i have crushes, the thought of being physical with men is appealing in some sorts, but it's never enough to get me "there". i like muscles... i appreciate the way men are built.... it's so hard to explain... but with girls its different. i guess i try to surpress it but i always find myself admiring other girls, like appreciating their beauty.. noticing their body. why does this have to be so hard? i cant imagine not being married to a man in the near future, but what if that isn't for me?

[ 08-01-2008, 08:07 PM: Message edited by: intensity-in-ten-cities. ]

Posts: 13 | From: MD | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, what if it's not? Heck, you may even come to the conclusion that you don't want to marry anyone: not everyone gets married, after all, no matter their sexual orientation.

Whatever life turns out to be one of the right ones for us -- I say one of, because we usually have more than one way we can live and be happy -- is going to be the life that feels best living. I'd be a lot more concerned about feeling like you have to live one way that isn't really in line with who you are and what you want than I would possibly being surprised later to find that the idea of the life that was best for you wasn't in line with what really winds up to be. If what does turn out to be right for you winds up with its challenges, or isn't something everyone or every system in your life supports you in, well.... that's something you can deal with, and something people often have to deal with in some respect no matter WHAT choices we make. Getting unilateral approval for everything we do is likely only if we make all our choices on that basis, which a life of real quality rarely makes.

We hear a lot this "I like girls/boys but only sexually, I could never be in a relationship with them." I just want to point a couple things out. One, a sexual relationship IS a relationship. It may not be a romance, it may not be a love relationship, but just like a friendship is a relationship, so is a sexual exchange with someone. Too, most folks who have sexual attraction to people do also have some degree of emotional attraction and at some point, will often want some kind of relationship that's about more than sex alone. A lot of the time, it's young people or homophobic people saying this line, either because of homophobia, because of fear, or because they've grown up with everyone around them -- and their own heads -- so firmly entrenched in heteronormativity. In other words, in the idea that it is men and women who have relationships, romances, marriages, families, not anyone else. So, you may not always feel the way about that you do right now, particularly with more life experience, with exposure to other things, communities, etc.

Too, just to be clear, you probably have never seen lesbian porn. In other words, pornography made BY lesbians, FOR lesbians, because it's pretty rare and not found in the usual places. What you have likely seen is "girl-girl" porn made by men, for men. You get to have whatever fantasy you like, obviously, but just so we're clear, expecting any porn to represent real-life isn't sound, but all the more so in seeing lesbianism or sex or love with women to look the way men make it for their sexual entertainment. In other words, most "lesbian" porn really IS straight porn.

If you're not feeling strongly sexually attracted to your boyfriend, that probably has a lot to do with the toughness you're having reaching orgasm. As well, if you aren't really feeling an attraction to him, I'd say it might be a good idea to revisit your relationship and reconsider having sex in it. It also sounds like it might be a good idea to step back from sex right now, period, while you have some more time to think through all of this. Your friend that tried to make his desires change through "training" found out what people already know: that doesn't work. Sexual orientation is largely fixed, based on everything we know, and our attractions just are what they are. We just decide what we want to do about them.

This stuff is all challenging, but I think it may be harder for you right now because, in some sense, you're making it harder. For example, if your religion or family are homophobic or aren't inclusive, that's not a problem with homosexuality or bisexuality, it's a problem with intolerance or bigotry on their parts, and hopefully, as good people who want to evolve and grow, they'll outgrow that. Plenty of people have and do.

Perhaps it's best to really just give more thought to what YOU want first, setting aside what your boyfriend, your family, your religion might think about it. It might also be helpful to perhaps find a PFLAG group in your area and just go visit, listen to other people who have had or are having some of these same kinds of struggles to better inform your thoughts and process? Where you're going to college, you may also be able to get involved with a GSA or other groups where you can have some different exposure, really feel all of this out.

[ 08-02-2008, 02:42 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 36052

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thank you. reading this really helped. i decided that i am really bisexual (ive even had crushes on a couple of lesbian or bisexual girls that i know). i came out to my bf (current 'ex bf') and most of my friends know.

however i weary about telling my mom. i hinted at it before and she would ask me everyday for a week was i "gay" and i denied it until the questions stop. my mom isnt the kind of mom u can tell these things to, so i will just have to wait until im really out on my own to tell her. my family is homophobic so i know it'll be awhile before i let them know.

thank you so much!!!

Posts: 13 | From: MD | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 40087

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I'm exactly like you i think I'm bisexual though your question cleared things up for me thank you.

lost in my own little world

Posts: 9 | From: texas, usa | Registered: Sep 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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