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Author Topic: This is a somewhat awkward question.
Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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Okay so, there is this guy who I've recently became extremely close to. I dont have a crush on him or anything, but I really dont know if he he is gay or not. I mean, I guess he is either extremely metro or he's gay, but I never really flat out asked him "Are you gay, 'Josh'?" So really, he could be straight for all I know. But he called me telling me about how freaked out he was because his best guy friend kissed him. I asked him if he knew if his friend was gay or not, but he told me that they both always the attitude "We fall for, who we fall for" but he never thought of his friend as really being gay. Although, he did tell me that he has many other gay friends. However, he didnt ever tell me who he has been in relationships with, although I know he has been in relationships before; Im just not sure if its with guys, girls, or both.

I dont want to just come out and say "Btw Josh, I was wondering if you were gay. Are you?"
I mean, Im not a lesbian myself so I really dont know how people respond to questions like that.


Could any of you wonderful people please give me advice? Maybe you could just give me an answer of whether or not he is, although I hardly doubt seeing as you are not him.

Do you know how I could talk to him about this? I mean, it's really not important, but I want to know.
.. and it would be a lot easier if I knew in situations such as today.


and sorry for it being such a long post. [Big Grin]

[ 05-20-2008, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: Typical Young and Dumb Teenager? ]

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Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

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Heather
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Honestly?

You're there, you're listening, you're getting close.

At whatever point he wants you to know his sexual orientation, he'll tell you. Obviously, it makes some sense to want to know about orientation when we're thinking about dating someone (though even then, it's not even all that essential). But with a platonic friend? Not so pertinent, and in this situation, I don't know if it even mattered if he or this friend were gay.

His best friend kissed him, right? Pretty much a big deal no matter someone's orientation. He'll tell you or talk more about his past relationships as you two get closer.

But if you just can't wait to know for some reason, rather than asking if someone is a given orientation, it's generally better etiquette to simply ask what someone's orientation is, as in, "So, you're not sure what your best friend's deal is: what's the story with your own orientation?"

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PenguinBoy
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Well me sitting all the way over here on my laptop, I'm not too much more in the know than you as to whether your friend is gay.

We should recognise, however, that "gay" is a word someone can choose for themselves or not. So if he hasn't chosen to refer to himself as gay, at the moment he really isn't.

His sexual preference may well be defined by nothing more than what he told you: "We fall for, who we fall for".

The openness of that phrase makes it sound to me like he could be capable of being attracted to both men and women. But it seems purposefully non-strict about that.

You could ask him if you like if he IDs as gay. I know people ask my sexuality of me quite frequently, it doesn't particularly bother me. I'm afraid it'll have to be up to your judgment whether it'll set him off some how.

I also don't think being a lesbian would necessary qualify you to know how he'd respond. Everyone is different after all. Your friendship should give you far clearer pointers.

[ 05-21-2008, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: PenguinBoy ]

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Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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Well, before I posted this, he told me that he didnt want to talk to his friend ever again because it was too awkward or whatnot, but I talked him into talking to him anyway..


So then, he called me afterwards and he's like "Great job; I just lost a great friendship."


After talking to him, what it basically boiled down to was that his friend made him choose:
- either they would start "talking"..
or
- they didnt talk and they couldnt be friends, because Josh's friend "couldnt bear just being friends."

... and Josh's friend said to give him a call when he makes up his mind.


*Josh said that he doesnt know what to do. He never said whether he has feelings for him or not. But he said that his friendship is over; so, Im guessing


I dont know what to do.
Im not even sure what his orientation is.
Im so confused.


Oh, and Josh's friend is heading over to Josh's house now. (His friend is one of those "head on" people who deal with everything face to face.)

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Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

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eryn_smiles
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Hey typical,
Isn't this mostly for Josh and his friend to work out for themselves? Maybe even he isn't sure of his orientation. So its not so important for you to be sure of it.

Sounds like you've been a really supportive friend to him and if you keep being that he'll talk about his orientation when he's ready. Just be there for him and accept him whatever he decides- thats what i'd want :-)

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PenguinBoy
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True words eryn.

I think you could ask yourself what difference it would actually make if he called himself gay, or straight, or bi?

He would still have to deal with a friend who wants a romantic relationship or no friendship at all, and he doesn't sound like he wants to have a the former. How you support him in that would very likely be no different either way.

As Heather said, being there as a friend is almost all you need to do and he'll be most likely share with you anything he's not already said.

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Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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Well, I've came to the conclusion that I dont think he knows whether he's attracted to guys, girls, or both.. that's just the impression I get.


And yes Eryn, this is Josh and his friends problem, but he's asking me for advice, which honestly, I dont have. I've never really been in his situation; so, Im kind of just like "Ugm.. maybe you should try this.. then again, maybe not." Then Josh just freaks out and says something the lines of.. "I dont care anymore. After all these years, I'm just going to drop our friendship. It's just too awkward. Ugh, I hate him for this." Now, I would say that time would heal everything, but he is soon to be moving off.. as in, a different state hundreds of miles away. So, I dont know.. I dont want him to through away his friendship, especially because I know that is something I wouldnt want to do with my friends. No matter what he does though, Im going to try to support him the best way I can.


But thanks for all the advice; Im not exactly sure where that makes me stand. I suppose a little confused still, but that's okay. Im use to it. [Razz]

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Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

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Heather
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When you don't have advice, you opt out.

Too? His drama is not your drama. His friendship with this guy isn't yours, so there's no reason for you to get so invested in what he chooses to do with it. Leave him to his own drama, and don't make it yours.

What you can do to be a friend is just be there to listen.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TheFlash
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I think gay people can be more sensitive about their sexual orientation, just what I have seen, but I'm sure everyone is different. I don't care if people know I'm straight, but I think many non-straight people find it hard to tell others. Besides, I generally don't go around telling people I'm straight unless there's a reason. Here's my experience if it helps...

I have a male friend and we hang out a lot. When we first met, he would even make a point of telling me which girls he thought were cute and I would do the same. One day a female friend of ours came up to me and the conversation went something like so:

Female Friend: "You know he's gay, right?"
Me: "Did he tell you that?"
Female Friend: "No, but he hangs out with gay guys, he's gay, I know it."
Female Friend: "Then you don't know and it's none of your business"

I didn't think it was right for her to go around telling people that, and I told her so.

Later on, me and my male friend we were sitting in Wendy's and the conversation went something like so...

Male Friend: "I have something to tell you, you seem cool so I think it's okay"
Me: "Sure, what's up?"
Male Friend: "I wanted you to know that I'm gay"
Me: "I thought you might be gay, but you kept talking about girls you thought were cute."
Male Friend: "That was just to cover myself, so why did you think I might be gay".
Me: "<Female Friend> told me you were".
Male Friend: "What!? Why'd she say that! What made her think that?..."
Me: "Well, she said she sees you hanging out with guys that are gay."
Male Friend: "That's none of her <bleep> business..."

He was not happy with her knowing and I was quite happy he told me and trusted me enough and thought I was cool.

In short, I think it's best to keep your mouth closed. Wait for him to tell you when and if he wants to. IMHO The only reason to know someone's sexual orientation is if either they tell you or you have romantic interest in them. Otherwise, I think there would have to be a pretty special reason for you to ask.

That's my advice anyway.

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Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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Thanks Flash, as well as anyone else.

And I guess wanting to know his sexual orientation is me just being a tad bit too nosey.
He may eventually tell me; maybe not. He's heard the 'rumors' of him being gay though, or at least that's what I understand.


Things have kind of dwindled down between him and his friend though; besides the fact that Josh's friend wants to like murder my boyfriend, who is definitely straight, for 'talking' to Josh, everything is cool..
baha


Thanks again for all the advice. [Smile]

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Young and Dumb.
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Beautiful*But*Lonely
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He could be both ways. He could be bi-sexual. Just make gestures like " i love that you are not afraid to show a little feminine side"
and maybe he will open up and the conversation will start itself without you having to verbally ask straight forward.

or just be up-front and ask if he is comfertable enough to talk to you about sexuality. and ask him if he has ever had same sex attractions. And say that you were just exploring your imagination and seeing if its normal to have same sex attractions and hopefully your answere will surface.

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PenguinBoy
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I've got to say, I would not feel comfortable with agreeing with that at all. Asking obtuse questions trying to coax out some sort of answer is focusing on completely the wrong things. There are so many more important things in friendships than satisfying curiosity. If someone hasn't outed themselves it's for a reason; that they don't yet feel comfortable enough to do so.

Queer people are just [like] anyone [else], if there's even any separation at all, and they need friendship, to not be discriminated against and to not be treated like scientific specimens by the people around them.

True, if you're a supportive friend otherwise, a friend may well tell all (if they DO have a sexual orientation they haven't already told you about), but the reasons for being supportive should be the part of being a good friend, and be for the benefit of your friends. They shouldn't just be part of a scheme to tempt people into telling you every little thing about themselves.

There really is no difference between how you should react to a friend regardless of their orientation. I feel that also includes the problem regarding a guy who's best friend kissed him... it should really be treated the same whether he fancies guys, girls, or neither, or both.

And yet, all this speculation seems to be doing is making "curiosity" more important than that support when it absolutely should not be.

[ 05-24-2008, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: PenguinBoy ]

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Jacob - my Scarleteen Blog - Please help sustain scarleteen

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