Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » the uncomfortable ughness of having a crush on one's ex.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: the uncomfortable ughness of having a crush on one's ex.
plain milyeh
Activist
Member # 32511

Icon 9 posted      Profile for plain milyeh     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
lately, i have been thinking way too much about my ex-girlfriend. especially given that i haven't actually seen her in over a year. we lived an hour apart when we were dating, and now she's moved significantly further away than that, and i haven't gone anywhere. i've visited the city she lives in more than once in the past year, but because i generally stay with friends who make a practice of avoiding her...no face-to-face contact for me. (not that i'm blaming my friends. i'm just really big on not creating weird combinations of people who don't get along with each other, and wasn't quite up to being alone with her last time i was in town.)

our relationship, when it was the romantic love-you kind, was pretty brief and messed up in some ways i wish it hadn't been, partially owing to the distance factor, and partially owing to a lot of other stuff i don't want to go into in too much detail, suffice it to say that we're both a little bit crazy in awkward ways. i don't even get to communicate with her in any way very often any more, but when i do, i wind up talking to her for longer than i expected, and telling her things i didn't quite expect to be telling anybody, and suddenly feeling like we're unbelievably compatible in ways i don't even remember thinking of her when we were dating. and in between those infrequent conversations, she sticks with me. about a week ago i found a ring she gave me while i was cleaning up the house, and i've been hanging onto it really...fondly, i guess. i'm not sure if it's really right to be wearing it, but i have been.

part of me thinks it's a guilt thing. i've been going over how that relationship ended a lot the past few months, and i feel like i made a lot of stupid mistakes and i know that some of them made her feel awful, awful enough to break up with me. yes, some of it was pure geographic inconvenience, but lots of it wasn't. i screwed up. sometimes i feel like i'm wearing the ring to remind myself what a jerk i can be...and to some extent, it's clearly working...

part of me thinks it's a self-comfort thing. i'm going through a period in my life where i'm sort of isolated, and not by choice...not only in that i have nothing going on romantically, but i'm also a bit cut off from most of my friends at this point. at school i have people i do things with, but it's very scheduled, very tied into volunteer things i do and groups i've signed up for...not so much with the spontaneous adventuring. basically, i feel older, awkwarder, and uglier than everybody i know. sometimes i feel like i'm wearin the ring just because it reminds me that i have indeed been loved, or something lame like that...and yes, sometimes it helps in that respect too.

part of me thinks..."um, dude, it's just a ring. it's a pretty ring. i don't have to justify my desire to wear a pretty ring"...and no doubt, my plain and simple love of shiny things certainly has a part to play in all this.

i don't know if i necessarily want advice on this...mostly i just sort of wanted to vent, since my friends who don't know this girl are understandably uninterested in my tales of woe, and my friends who do know her would most likely give me some good solid metaphorical slaps upside he head if i expressed these things within their hearing range. (my friends probably sound like jerks in this post. they aren't really. they all have very logical and complex reasons for being vehemently against the idea of dating her in the first place, let alone thinking of doing it again.)

Posts: 108 | From: caaaaanada. ('cause we've got rocks and trees and trees and rocks...) | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Your feelings seem totally ok, normal and nothing to worry about. Sometimes we just focus more on exes or past crushes or whatever, and it's like "what the heck, where did this suddenly come from?!" That said, we don't have to act or read too much into such feelings or thoughts... on the other hand, maybe you've gotten to a point where you finally start processing the relationship, and it's good to figure things out that'll help you with future relationships, increase your maturity or life experience, etc.

What really sticks out here is how you're feeling isolated and cut off from your friends (which is making you want a romantic involvement even more than "usual", because that's a very close emotional bond.) I know the feeling of being far from friends, doing things that are cool, but still not feeling totally happy with stuff; I move around A LOT, and I'm so grateful for the opportunities I've had, but the whole always-making-new-friends, having-to-say-goodbye can be really taxing.

So, what can we do to help you feel more connected? What is your situation right now (where are you, why does it feel this way, etc.?) It generally takes at least a few months to really find your thing and build a network of acquaintances, even more so friends!

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
plain milyeh
Activist
Member # 32511

Icon 1 posted      Profile for plain milyeh     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
thanks, ecofem. you make some really good points.

to clarify: i haven't just moved to a new place...which is part of my current set of troubles. i'm currently stuck in my cute little hometown, while most of my old friends either a) live somewhere else to begin with, or b) have recently moved away to university or college. i'm still finishing high school, but not at the same high school i started it at...for various reasons, my high school career has been obscenely long, and has ended up at the far end of town at the catholic high school (i have a few older friends still in high school, but they're in the secular system, which was pretty glad to see me go, from an instructor/administrative perspective). it's a nice place, and like i said, i have lots of opportunities to participate in extracurricular activities, particularily drama, so objectively speaking, things have been *awesome* for me the past year-and-a-half...except that for whatever reason i feel like i only find real human connection on the rare weekends, afternoons, evenings, minutes, whatever i get to spend with friends from other times and places in my life. recently, i slept over at a party with one of my oldest and dearest friends and a number of his friends from school, most of whom i hadn't met before. i was immediately accepted by all of them in a way that completely bewildered me, and by mid-morning the next day, we were joking that i should just transfer to their school for the rest of the semester...and in spite of all the neat things i'm doing in milyehland, i really wished i hadn't made commitments to some of those things so that i could actually just pick up and go be with people who...i could feel like people with, i guess. because i don't with my school friends. it's like there's some sort of barrier preventing me from really being tight with them like many of them are with each other. i'm a mildly amusing, usually incomprehensible girl they see at school who occasionally provides them with a script or some acting skills...i don't have a place in anybody's church community, and the closest i ever seem to get to deep, interesting conversation with any of them is by inadvertently letting them know something they find shocking (ex-i'm queer, i dropped out of high school, i'm twenty, i have an opinion about something)...which mostly just leads to me making awkward explanations about things i'm tired of explaining, and feeling further removed from my school community than ever.

basically, at the moment, this is all giving me more of a drive to make myself seem impressive to the universities i'm applying to, so i can finally leave, meet new people who i can actually connect with (the incident at my friend's house, although a little depressing to come home from, has reminded me that this is possible) and stop fantasizing about getting back together with somebody who, as much as i feel like i learned a lot of important stuff from her, is not really the person i want to structure my life around, if i'm going to be completely honest. i know i'll probably have a bit of trouble fitting in at university too, at least at first, but i think a lot of this is just i've-been-in-one-damn-place-too-long angst, so just the thought of getting to relocate is quite enticing.

Posts: 108 | From: caaaaanada. ('cause we've got rocks and trees and trees and rocks...) | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
Activist
Member # 13388

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Ecofem     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I just wanted to drop you a line saying I've read this and have been thinking of you. I don't really have the time right now to write a long reply, but there's a lot in there.

First, what would it take logistically for you to go where those nice people are? Is there a program you can do/place you can live/etc. If this truly would likely work out, I say absolutely go for it. What commitments are you taking about?

However, if it would mean NOT finishing your degree, etc. I would try to stick it out a little longer at home. Because you'll have better options to go where you want to go, and there are pretty nice, accepting people everywhere (even if it takes some looking.) I don't know how much longer you have at home, but I think things will get much better when you leave. However, in the meantime, I'd try to enjoy those positive moments at places like drama when you can. Unfortunately, life isn't always fun, and there are times/places where things seem just crappy without end, but things do get better; then you can appreciate the positive things even more. Take good experiences like the sleepover as a positive sign, something to work toward. You may not be living at this school with people, but you certainly can go visit them however often you can. Seriously do look into that; short visits can be so energizing!

Again, I think your analysis/outlook of this past relationship is good: you realize it wasn't the best or something you'd necessarily want, but in a situation like your current one, it seems like a nice break. Just take those fantasies for what they're worth, not acting on them but not having to chastise yourself for having them, and in time things will work out. Just hang in there till then. [Smile]

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3