Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » What's The Right Move?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: What's The Right Move?
formula_truth_love
Neophyte
Member # 27968

Icon 5 posted      Profile for formula_truth_love     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have recently been chatting with a girl she's 17 me 15. Our story is very similar in the fact that both our familys are very religious. WE are both refinding our faith. We both have the same views on love, relationships, family. That we both are hiding that we are gay. She is still kind of confused but she has had 3 girlfriends already. We have been talk for hours on end for a while now. Last night was the first night we talked on the phone we talked for 5 hours. Our longest chat on the internet was 13 hours.

My question is that well what would be the best way to meet in person I know with friends somewhere public. Except I doubt I could get any friends too go with me but could do the public thing. I just am not ready yet for coming out until I know this is going to work out past meeting. I guess i'm just kinda scared this is if it works would be my first real relationship. I have told her all this.

I am worried that if this works out it means everything that I tried to hold on to to be youthlike is going to fade a little. Also that what it will mean to have a relationship that I have to hide everyone thinking she's just a friend. I don't know but we are still getting to know each other and going through the stages just wanted someones opinion. Oh also she told me she feels weird about my therapist knowing that I am talking to her.

I haven't talked to my therapist too much about it except that things were developing between us. Well I want to know how can I help her understand that even though she doesn't know or trust my therapist I have known her and do trust her. I've said all this to her but still she is a little not likeing that.

--------------------
\"a profound love...seems so hard to reach...\"

Posts: 1 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
likewhoa19
Activist
Member # 28218

Icon 1 posted      Profile for likewhoa19     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Wait, are you saying that you haven't had any relationships yet at all but you think you are gay? If so, what leads you to identify as gay? And would you mind telling in a general way what you are seeing a therapist for? I think a little more history might help people to assess your situation.
Posts: 193 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Wait, are you saying that you haven't had any relationships yet at all but you think you are gay? If so, what leads you to identify as gay?

Exactly the same things that lead people to identify as straight or bi before they've ever had a relationship, I'd assume - namely who they're attracted to.

It doesn't sound like formula_truth_love is questioning her orientation, so I'm not sure why you feel the need to quiz her on it like this.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
likewhoa19
Activist
Member # 28218

Icon 1 posted      Profile for likewhoa19     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I apologize. I'll explain. I just know a number of people who when they were 15 thought they were gay and when they were 20 decided they were bi or even straight. (And before you call this an offensive idea I'm insinuating, I'm sure we all know people who thought they were straight at 15 and later decided they were gay, yes?) I guess I just feel like in our culture sometimes people feel a need to pigeonhole themselves when they are 15, and that's unfortunate. People change so much in so many ways while they're growing up, and it's pretty typical for even straight-identified people to have the occasional same-sex crushes. This is not saying formula_truth_love should not be able to have relationships with girls if she wants to. But even people who don't change their feelings about their sexuality can have radically different ideas about what would work for them in relationships before they've had relationships than once they've tried. Since the OP is going to have a very hard time from her parents in coming-out, maybe she could just wait until she's had relationships and really knows what works for her before she goes through overly much stress about which category she believes she belongs to right now.

[ 04-23-2006, 11:41 AM: Message edited by: likewhoa19 ]

Posts: 193 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
likewhoa19
Activist
Member # 28218

Icon 1 posted      Profile for likewhoa19     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also, I know Scarleteen's advice is always to not do anything you don't feel ready for. So if you, formula_truth, feel like you really do want to meet this girl, do it first in a public place, just like any situation where you met someone online. If you're not so sure if you're ready, I think you should wait until you feel ready. I couldn't tell from your post if you're not sure you're ready for your first relationship. period., or if the ONLY reason this is worrying you is because it is a same-sex relationship.

Another word of advice from someone who's been-there done-that. Stuff may work out for you and the girl and stuff may not, but truthfully talking to someone over the phone and online is radically different from being with them in-person. So if you meet her and for whatever reason things don't feel right in-person, don't feel a need to go through with having a relationship with her just b/c you enjoyed talking to each other so much already.

And if the girl doesn't like you talking to your therapist, that really is something you need to work out eventually. But I think it would be easier and fairer to you to worry about once you're actually in the hypothetical serious relationship, rather than before you know things would work out.

[ 04-23-2006, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: likewhoa19 ]

Posts: 193 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You can remind her that therapist/patient discussions ARE confidential and protected, for starters.

It's possible that some of her concern is, because she HAS had other partners before, that you're taking the relationship more seriously right now, giving it more weight right now, than she is. Most people assume that if you bring something to a therapist it must be HUGE, so that could be some of what's making her uncomfortable, too.

I'd guess it's the latter (though that is only guess, not having been privy to your conversations or her feelings about you). And given that, but also regardless, I think it's sage to step it down a notch.

In other words, for now, don't worry about all the what-ifs. See how and if the relationship develops before you invest a lot of time and energy in worrying about how it'll pan out, what that will mean per your family and friends, and so forth. You really CAN'T know, until you meet someone and are around them often, how something will pan out. (Heck, even then you often can't.) Chemistry is a pretty fickle, unpredictable thing, and it also has to be two-sided.

One other thing: is this young woman the ONLY other person you have to talk to besides your therapist about queer issues? if so, since you found a way to meet her, I'd suggest investing some energy in finding a queer platonic friend or two, in whom you don't have any romantic interest, to also talk about this stuff with. Sometimes, it can be really tough being someone's first same-sex love interest because on top of all that goes with a possibly developing romantic relationship, you're also getting all of that person's process about their sexual identity, about coming out, the whole works, and it can feel pretty cumbersome at times.

[ 04-23-2006, 11:54 AM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3