My first love and first kiss was with a girl. We were basically in a long-term relationship, but we never called it that. Iunno, I was just in the process of coming out and everything was very stressful...When I did come out, my mom asked me if we were going out. I said no. It was just too soon for my parents to accept it; they would've never let me see her alone and would most definitely not let her stay the night anymore.
Anyway, she was the only person I've been in a relationship where I felt they were superior to me. She had me wrapped around her finger so tight you'd think I would've asphyxiated by now.
She was kind of flirty and she'd have crushes who kept asking to go out with her, and she'd tell me "Iunno, I just can't say no..." just to hurt me. I could never stay mad at her though.
One day while I was away camping, a friend of hers asked her to go out with her. She said yes, and they were together for 5 months on and off. It crushed me completely. Of course I was very depressed and angry, but she made ME out to be the one who'd done something terrible. She said that since we weren't "official" it didn't count and we could see other people. I didn't stay mad her though. Her girlfriend broke up with her 3 times, and she said she still loved me and reads the letters I wrote to her every night and cried. Every time she became single again I'd always get so happy and excited to start over. They'd always end up getting back together though. Hurt worse and worse every time. They just went out for the sake of saying they had a girlfriend.
After awhile and not seeing she for 5 or 6 months a friend of mine somehow convinced me to move on. I went on a date, and now I've had a boyfriend for 5 1/2 months.
A month ago I became friends with her again. We got drunk and she kissed me for a few seconds. I was kind of shocked...
A week later, I went to her house as friends for a night, because we were having a party the next day. Well, we were watching [i] But I'm A Cheerleader[i] and she kind of pounced on me during the make-out scene. I didn't knock her off; I kind of wanted to see what I've been missing. It didn't feel the same at all. For some reason she still had me though and I just didn't knock her off and I continued kissing her.
I found out a bunch of things about her that she lied about...and I'm not really friends with her anymore. I'm very upset that she's hurt me again, and made me hurt my boyfriend.
I still love my boyfriend, but of course things are different. I don't know what to do to make him less bitter about it. He knows I won't do anything like that again. Since then I've become very self-destructive and got insomnia. My boyfriend's and my depression got much worse, and his insomnia got worse. We've started to fight A LOT, and we've almost broken up a few times. We both have anger problems and other things wrong with us and I don't see either of us better off if we just broke up.
Any advice on how to make things work? I'd appreciate it a lot.
If we don't make it we'll fake it