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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Very confused

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Author Topic: Very confused
artemis779
Neophyte
Member # 13721

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I am an individual who has not had but a few relationships, none of which have ever been consumated. I have been friends with another female for nearly 3 years but recently the feelings have grown well past simply amiable. She has had numerious with relationships with both genders, while I have had never even thought about being with a woman before now.

At first, there was hesitancy, then a very brief 2 weeks attempt at a relationship and now after 4 months we are back to the talking/ very begnign stages only. We both see ourselves married to men someday but both of us admit that the relationship we have is well beyond plutonic.

We are incredible friends and I want to keep that paramount, but it is very difficult. I want her to be happy in a straight relationship and I would like to be happy as well, but I would be very content to be with her. I even try to help her find a date if I can, though I feel empty and horrible when she is with someone else, though she never stays with that someone else. We speak daily.. every day for the past several months, we hold hands and we kiss but have never tried anything more though she has done more in the past with others. She tells me she loves me but is not IN love with me and that she needs to find a traditional relationship.

I am uncertain as to what to do. I do not want to lose her friendship , and she and I are both willing to explore, but I don't know if she is scared because of the previous bad relationships or if there is another issue. We do care for one anohter, and I would love to explore, but I don't want to get too caught up. She says there is a chance that she will want to explore a more perminant relationship in years to come but right now she feels that a traditional relationship is what she truly desires.

Any advise would be appreciated.


Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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you would do well to get as much response as possible, so i'll send this to the GLBT Relationships forum where you'll get more input than just me.

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mundi faece repletum


Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lemming
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33

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babe, I've read through this question a few times and it is very confusing. for example, you seem to know what you'd like in this situation; your heart is telling you you love this girl, right? but

quote:
I would like to be happy as well, but I would be very content to be with her.

is perhaps what I'm hearing here that you had never thought about being with a woman before in this type of relationship, and that it's still a little hard for you to get your head around it? (or are you truly not happy when you guys are together? please correct me if I'm wrong, I'm just musing here.)

quote:
She tells me she loves me but is not IN love with me and that she needs to find a traditional relationship.

maybe this is what's going on with her as well? we are told all our lives that the only real relationship that counts as love is a man and a woman together, and sometimes even when we are confronted with love, it doesn't feel "right" because we're still looking for that "real" thing. have you asked your friend about how she feels about this? or does she simply enjoy the level your relationship is at now, but want something deeper with a man?

(it's strange that we think that one gender or another is going to make a difference when it's really who that person is that counts, isn't it? as if simply being male will qualify someone else to be what she needs.)

quote:
I don't want to get too caught up.

but it sounds like you already are, right?

quote:
She says there is a chance that she will want to explore a more perminant relationship in years to come but right now she feels that a traditional relationship is what she truly desires.

yes, this is her decision to make. and it may hurt you very deeply, and it may be for the "right" reasons, or for the "wrong" reasons, whatever those are. but at this point, all you guys can do is talk to each other about this, about how you're really feeling and figure out what is going on here. both of you need to know all the facts and feelings to be able to make decisions about the path your relationship will take.

I hope this has helped at least a little. I feel like I'm wandering around. please correct me if I've gotten anything wrong or assumed too much.

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Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

Kissing girls in English at the back of the stairs, you're a honey with a following of innocent boys, they never know it because you never show it..." - Belle and Sebastian


Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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