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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Should my g/f and I come out??

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Author Topic: Should my g/f and I come out??
Member # 7980

Icon 4 posted      Profile for KittenKisses     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello all! (watch out, this baby is loooong...Sorry )
Not that I need a label or anything but you could say that I'm bisexual. I've explained (or actually inquired upon it on this board) my sexuality before (under the name Blu Cotton Candy, but I lost it... ) and I'm intimate with 1 girl I'm very close to, I'm not attracted to any other girls and yet I'm still attracted to guys. So, my best label is bisexual you could say. Now, anyways, onto my point, I've considered for a while now since my relationship began to blossom with my g/f (you could say, I've considered the thought of coming out and telling my mother...
Now, I've got a lot of reasons why not to and that's my question, should I hold out a while longer, or try something?

Reasons why not to:
-She's homophobic, she doesn't like the idea of same sex lifestyles unfortunately, she's suspected me as being extra "close" with my g/f before, because as far as she "knows" we're just bestfriends.
-Because we're only seen as bestfriends, we can spend time together as friends, like spending the night and what have you, without any of those relationship restrictions that most parents set (like door stays open when together in our room, no sleepovers...etc.) If we were to come out we'd have to sacrifice this oppourtunity then we'd see each other even less.
-Coming out is obviously very hard, it would change our social life completely, even though there are the odd other bi, les, or gay individuals in our school, it's not like they are revered or anything. Sadly...
We are both struggling through our own difficulties in school and we decided early on that coming out would only add to the difficulty. Even though we both agreed that we did infact love each other enough not to care what they think, but we're thinking for ourselves in this case.
-Because this is such an odd case of homosexuality (because we both feel the same, attracted to each other, no other girls, but still attracted to guys...) if we were to come out and one day the two of us broke up and we ended up sliding back into our "straight" lives it would just be difficult to get out of that idea that we were gay from our friends and family...It's not a bad thing at all, but people constantly asking questions about it (you know about it all...) would just be a hindrance.

Reasons why I should:
-Freedom! We could be open with our relationship, because we're both somewhat leading a secret life together, at school our group of friends see us as just casual friends and we hide our true relationship. It's often very hard to hide when you're staring at the person you love and you can't touch them or say anything to them that you'd really like to say.
-Being able to act with each other like a real couple, being able to celebrate our love openly, like holding hands in public, or in the theatres, or our anniversary. Because at this point when I see something she likes and I want to get it for her, my mother "wonders" why I spoil her so often...

Anyways, I could go on, and I already said too much (sorry for that, I am the queen rambler!!! But I just thought I'd mention some of the little situations to perhaps give you an idea. So, having read that, do you think I should hold out a bit longer with her and keep my chances up in seeing her? Or should I risk that with the fact that our parents might seperate us, along with all the other negative reasons? Prove me wrong if you can, or right, either way! Thank-you much for your responses!
Sorry it's so long!

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 7723

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Dont worry about the length so much I think it was adequate for us to understand whats up. It does look (technically) that the cons outnumber the pros, but some of the pros may have more meaning than the cons. All though I do have a good feeling that you two are in question about yourselves, considering that you two are the only girls that you have found to be this way with.

So then comes my advice, what would you do if you were me? Well lets put it in some context, lets say that in some strange far off world the situation was flopped and the relationships that society mostly rejected were straight ones, that would make the relationship I have with my girlfriend one which people would look down upon, and lets also say that my more prominent parental unit was very heterophobic, against straight relationships.

So maybe she thought that me and my gf were just friends. Well in that case I think that I would actually value the freedom I'd have with my gf, just because I wouldnt care all that much about freedom outside if I were offered the kind of freedom you speak of, even though I would care about making our relationship public Id value time spent with her a little more I think. Plus im a patient guy and I think I would be able to wait and see if our relationship lasted until a more easy time to come out.

That was probabyl a strange and complex analogy but i hope it helped. Good Luck


If you find you love someone more than you love yourself, I hope that person feels the same way.

"We may be through with the past but the past aint through with us"

"As far as I am concerned humans have not come up with a belief that is worth believing"

Posts: 104 | From: Tiburon, Ca | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2297

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It sounds like you've got a tough choice.

I'd start by asking yourself if you are ready within yourself to come out - don't put pressure on yourself if you just aren't ready. (not saying you aren't, just making sure).

You'll also want to think how your mother might react to the news. Ban sleepovers? Stop you having your g/f over at all? Accept your sexuality? I'm not saying you should scare yourself out of telling her, just be ready for likely consequences.

Has your mother secifically said she's homophobic? Before I came out I assumed that my mum was homophobic when in fact she was very accepting. Try giving her hypotheticals like "What if (siblings name) was gay/bi/les?". These aren't always an accurate gague for coming out reactions, but they show where the persons heart is in general.

Also, talk to your g/f about coming out (she may not want to yet).

Personally, I would wait untill your mother is less homophobic (if this changes at all). You can always come out to close friends at school - they can be a great support, and your mum doesn't need to know a thing.

Hugs & Scully,

Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 5317

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You might want to read the Don't let the door hit you on the way out article.

Especially note the comment in there about safety--not every place is good to be out in.

What you have to decide is not only whether you and your girlfriend want to be out anywhere, but where you do want to be out. Something to think about: how hard will it be to live at home--even when your gf isn't there--if you come out to your parents?

Sapphire Cat
Looks won't tell who's living inside.
Artist, poet, programmer, dreamer, and crossdressing bondage kitty

Posts: 235 | From: Louisville KY (St. Matthews) | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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