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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » losing a friend because I love her?

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Author Topic: losing a friend because I love her?
Member # 6958

Icon 9 posted      Profile for Bearcub     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I worry... about a lot of things, and very often.. but right now it is about my best friend, whom I have gotten to know online, and the feelings I have for her.

I realized a while back that I am in love with her, and I managed to tell her, and she took it well, though she also made it clear that she could never love me the same way. She has a loving boyfriend whom she treasures over all else, and I understand her - the two of them are my best friends in the world, and I wouldn't want to do anything to get between them.

I can't, however stop thinking about her, and want more than anything to be with her. I dream about her, I write poems and even a song for her... and I am afraid that I might do what I seem to be really good at - smothering.
I fear that if I don't restrain myself, and just accept that I can't have her, and forget about the way I feel, I will eventually manage to become such a nuisance that I will be pushing her away and lose her even as a friend.
I ask myself how I can possibly love someone I have never met, and if things will change when we do meet... I am talking about the way I feel - I don't expect her feelings to change.. it is ME I worry about.

If meeting her and being around her and her boyfreind a while will make me really accept that I have to channel my feelings elsewhere, that might be the easiest for us all.
But if it only reinforces the way I feel... that means I'll miss her even more, and be even more miserable afterwards... and that scares me. But if I don't go through with it, I'll never know, and I will be eternally wondering - what if?

As usual, I don't know what I am hoping for here... I just ramble. :-/ But maybe someone has some clever words... usually someone does.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 129

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I think that if I were in your friends' place, my feelings would go from "flattered" to "utterly skeeved out" if I knew about the poetry and the songs and I think for the sake of the platonic friendship I'd ix-nay on the oetry-pay for the forseeable future. I'm sure they're beautiful works of art but they should probably stay in your journal. It wouldn't matter to me if you were girl, guy, or other...if you're doing things to "woo me away" you're not showing respect to my relationship, and I can't have that. I've ended two friendships because het male friends just didn't. get. it. and I certianly wouldn't hesitate to end a female friendship if she did the same thing.

As far as meeting her goes...seeing her with the boyfriend would probably be good for smacking you upside the head with a clue-by-four, which it sounds like you want. You also might meet her and find out she's not as attractive to you as you once thought--that's really not unheard of al all for an on-line relationship to fizzle once you meet IRL. You know, maybe she picks her nose or has an annoying laugh or something. (Okay, I exaggerate. But you get the point.) I know that I've gotten pretty head over heels for people online before and once I actually met them, there was something...missing. That spark that was there for me intellecutally just wasn't physically. Kind of a drag, but at least in your case you'd be able to cut your losses and move on with her as a good friend and no more angst on your part.

There's only two songs in me, but I just wrote the third. --TMBG

Posts: 8 | From: KS, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 5460

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You might like to have a look at these discussions, courtesty of the GLBT Relationships FAQ:

Crushes on straight friends:

Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Sexpert

"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform."
-- Alfred Kinsey

Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 7895

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I've had a crush on one of my friends, whom I've known since I was 9, almost since I first met her. It hasn't caused any problems with our friendship. So I do believe it's possible to be friends with someone who you like but aren't in a relationship with. However, our situation is a little different; she's not straight, and I just really like her, I'm not writing songs abd poems for her..
I wouldn't show her the poetry. If I was her, it'd just freak me out especially since she doesn't know you in "real" life.


Posts: 3 | From: Boston area, MA, USA | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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