During the rest of junior high and the early part of high school I was just like everyone else. I developed crushes on guys, but I never had a boyfriend. I wanted to be like everyone else and wished I had the companionship that friends who were in partnerships had.

During 9th grade I acted really homophobic. Partly because of my mother strict religious upbringing, but partly because I was beginning to like girls again.

At age 16 my mother got the Internet and I would search out sites about lesbianism. I also read a lot of lesbian erotica on the net. While I masturbated 100% of my sexual thoughts were about women.

At 17 my mother and I had issues and I moved out of the house for a year. During that year I lived at different group homes. Living in the group homes I got exposed to many different types of people.

In the first group home I was at I had a short relationship with this guy. He was the only boyfriend I had besides two short (i.e. 6 weeks) relationships. I really liked the companionship I had with him and I liked being around him, but I was afraid to do anything too sexual besides kissing and holding hands. After about 2-3 months we broke up.

In the second group home I was at my feelings about women were very strong. I went to library and took about 2 books about gay youth. One was a series of short fictional stores about LGB youth and the other one was a book called 2 IN 20 TEENAGERS. I began to find strength in myself and called myself bisexual.

In the third group home I was at, I met this bisexual female. She was very comfortable with her sexuality and was out and open to everyone. She and I became pretty good friends, but I didn’t tell anyone about my feelings. I wish I had discussed my sexuality with her because she could have given me some good advice.

After living in different group homes for about 1 year I sick of the whole system and decided to move back home. Shortly after moving back home I met this guy. On the first day we met we ended up having intercourse. It felt weird. It didn’t feel right. We tried to have a relationship after this, but within 2 months we broke up. During the relationship we became really good friends and I really liked him, but sex with him still felt weird. I felt dead during the act.

In spring of 2001 I came out to my friends as bisexual. I told them over the Internet which was not the best way to do it, but I was scared to it in person in case of a bad reaction. Luckily they were cool with it.

Now after being single for a while I am examining my feelings and my sexuality. All of the sexual fantasies I have are lesbian orientated. I don’t get off on heterosexual scenarios. I guess that makes me a lesbian. I do think guys are cute and like hanging out with them, but its more of a friendship vibe.

It’s really hard accepting that I am gay. I don’t want to have to deal with people’s homophobic reactions and I don’t want to be an outcast of society. Also it is very difficult because of my culture. I was born in Guyana, South America and anyone from Central or South America knows that Christianity plays a major role in the culture and the majority of the people are homophobic or anti-gay.

I have decided that I do want to come out to my mother. I feel like I am not being 100% honest with her. I know that this is going to be a really emotional and I know that when I get emotional I don’t articulate what I am feeling. My emotion clouds my thoughts sometimes. I decided that I want to write a letter to my mom, give it to her, and then discuss the issue with her afterwards. Any tips for my letter?

Coming out can be a tricky thing to do. Why not check out some of the tips the girls gave me when I was in the same dilemma:
http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000041.html

Also, don't forget the search function!

However, first make sure that you know how you feel to yourself, and be ready to answer ANY questions she may ask. It's best if you preempt them in your letter, but your mother will ask you questions which you hadn't written about. So ask yourself questions about your sexuality so that you can be ready for other people's.

Aside from that, make sure that you explain in your letter exactly how you feel about girls, and that it's not just a carnal obsession, which I think is the mistake most people make., and that leads to homophobia (argh!)

finally, write about how you didn't feel right with a guy. The best way I managed to make one of my friends understand that I'm gay was be telling him that when I kissed a girl, I felt all wrong. As uncomfortable as it may be for you to tell your mother about your sexual experiances with men, it will probably get the message home.

Lots of luck and tell us how things work out.
Xxx