I had my first sexual experience when I was 12 - it was the summer before 7th grade. This girl who lived in my building and I ending dry humping one another and kissing. It felt really nice and I wanted to invite her down to my apartment to experiment while my mom was at work. Unfortunately it only happened on a few occasions and we never got to fully experience lesbian sex.
During the rest of junior high and the early part of high school I was just like everyone else. I developed crushes on guys, but I never had a boyfriend. I wanted to be like everyone else and wished I had the companionship that friends who were in partnerships had.
During 9th grade I acted really homophobic. Partly because of my mother strict religious upbringing, but partly because I was beginning to like girls again.
At age 16 my mother got the Internet and I would search out sites about lesbianism. I also read a lot of lesbian erotica on the net. While I masturbated 100% of my sexual thoughts were about women.
At 17 my mother and I had issues and I moved out of the house for a year. During that year I lived at different group homes. Living in the group homes I got exposed to many different types of people.
In the first group home I was at I had a short relationship with this guy. He was the only boyfriend I had besides two short (i.e. 6 weeks) relationships. I really liked the companionship I had with him and I liked being around him, but I was afraid to do anything too sexual besides kissing and holding hands. After about 2-3 months we broke up.
In the second group home I was at my feelings about women were very strong. I went to library and took about 2 books about gay youth. One was a series of short fictional stores about LGB youth and the other one was a book called 2 IN 20 TEENAGERS. I began to find strength in myself and called myself bisexual.
In the third group home I was at, I met this bisexual female. She was very comfortable with her sexuality and was out and open to everyone. She and I became pretty good friends, but I didnít tell anyone about my feelings. I wish I had discussed my sexuality with her because she could have given me some good advice.
After living in different group homes for about 1 year I sick of the whole system and decided to move back home. Shortly after moving back home I met this guy. On the first day we met we ended up having intercourse. It felt weird. It didnít feel right. We tried to have a relationship after this, but within 2 months we broke up. During the relationship we became really good friends and I really liked him, but sex with him still felt weird. I felt dead during the act.
In spring of 2001 I came out to my friends as bisexual. I told them over the Internet which was not the best way to do it, but I was scared to it in person in case of a bad reaction. Luckily they were cool with it.
Now after being single for a while I am examining my feelings and my sexuality. All of the sexual fantasies I have are lesbian orientated. I donít get off on heterosexual scenarios. I guess that makes me a lesbian. I do think guys are cute and like hanging out with them, but its more of a friendship vibe.
Itís really hard accepting that I am gay. I donít want to have to deal with peopleís homophobic reactions and I donít want to be an outcast of society. Also it is very difficult because of my culture. I was born in Guyana, South America and anyone from Central or South America knows that Christianity plays a major role in the culture and the majority of the people are homophobic or anti-gay.
I have decided that I do want to come out to my mother. I feel like I am not being 100% honest with her. I know that this is going to be a really emotional and I know that when I get emotional I donít articulate what I am feeling. My emotion clouds my thoughts sometimes. I decided that I want to write a letter to my mom, give it to her, and then discuss the issue with her afterwards. Any tips for my letter?