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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » Unsure and lonely

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Author Topic: Unsure and lonely
Mercury
Neophyte
Member # 48926

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Hello.

For the past few years I've felt that I could be a lesbian. At first, I thought it was possibly a phase, but three years down the road, I think that it's unlikely that it could be a phase. But I'm still very confused.

There was two women in particular that I had huge crushes on, that lasted for longer than I care to admit. On TV too, I always seem to have an attraction towards certain women that I consider interesting. And this has been the way since I was very young.

My feelings towards men are a lot more confusing. I know for sure that I have no physical attraction towards men, but as for the emotional side of things, I'm not so sure. I thought I was attracted to this boy in my class, but one day it dawned on me that I wasn't really.

As for my fantasies, I have to admit it's fairly even. Though admittedly, I can only easily imagine two girls 'doing the deed' than a man and a woman. When I'm imagining a man and a woman I'm far more interested in the power dynamic.

I would love to meet other gay teens in my area where I live, but the problem is that my town isn't gay friendly, and nearest youth group for gay teens in miles away. So what can I do??

Sorry, for the long topic....

Posts: 4 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, way back when in the dark ages of Scarleteen, we had a very young user who was also lesbian in Ireland in a community that was strongly unaccepting. She had a really hard time, but she got through it and as a young woman today, she's pretty darn amazing.

We can talk about this, but I'd bet I can toss her a line and see if she can't stop back by and talk with you as someone who has been almost exactly where you're at. Would you like me to do that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mercury
Neophyte
Member # 48926

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That would be great. And very much appreciated. Are you sure sure she wouldn't mind??
Posts: 4 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'll leave her a note right now!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Pumpkin_Pie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5822

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Hey Mercury,

Heather asked me to drop by here and try and give you some advice.

The practical bit:

Could you give me some idea of what part of Ireland you're in? I know a lot of gays in a lot of places around Ireland, I can try and give you some contacts for groups etc that you might find helpful. [Smile]

You said yourself that the nearest gay group is miles away, are you totally sure of that? Just let me know the general area where you're at (even PM it to me if you don't want to say here) and I'll try and help you out with some practical advice.

The touchy feely lovey dovey stuff [Wink]

When I was a teenager growing up in a fairly rough part of the real capital (i'm sure you'll know where that is! [Wink] ) I was convinced I was the only gay person in the entire world. I went to a school where we never ever spoke about being gay or lesbian, the only times it was ever spoken about was by classmates of mine to call people lezzies or dykes or tell jokes about gay people.

It was easy for me to think I was alone even ten years ago, Ireland has changed so much though as you've probably seen yourself. I'm not sure if you saw Growing Up Gay on RTE 1 recently?

I was so lonely, and so sure that I would spend the rest of my life trapped in this stupid Irish Catholic school, surrounded by idiots (or people I perceived to be idiots) with not one little jot of hope to get me through the day.

But to borrow a phrase from the recent internet trend, it really does get better.

If you're in the west of the country, Sligo and Galway have thriving gay commmunities, so much so that Galway has two rival prides (gays and their drama eh?) and Sligo even has a pride too!

Northern Ireland has a huge amount of resources too, especially towards the bigger populations. [Smile]

In the South, Cork, Limerick and Waterford all have gay bars and gay support groups etc Kerry also has a resource group for LGBT folk. In the East, Kilkenny has a gay bar called Dignity, and of course in Dublin there is simply everything a gay lady could want -including BelongTo, a youth resource centre for LGBT folk. They have a group for young bisexual and lesbian women called Ladybirds, and I know for a fact that a lot of people travel up from different parts of the country for it. I know the people involved, they are so lovely and welcoming and the organisation is just perfect for young people.

As I type this Mercury, I'm in my apartment in Dublin, there is a raging party in the sitting room with about 12 lovely, very pretty lesbians having the craic and getting ready to go to a lesbian club night. Never, in all my nights of loneliness and crying and gnashing of teeth and writing emo poetry did I ever think I'd even KNOW 12 lesbians, let alone have them in my apartment. My girlfriend just sent me a text telling me she loves me - ME, who spent a good portion of my teenage years thinking I'd die a virgin and that I would never find happiness with anyone.

It gets better. It gets so much better.

Are you near college age by any chance? Because you will have the most craic imaginable if you go to college, especially if you go to one with a strong lgbt society like in any of the universities or somewhere like IADT or CIT. You'll even get to go to Pink Training, which is this massive weekend where about 200 LGBT students from ALL OVER IRELAND descend on one college for a weekend and spend it learning about sexual health, gay history and of course partying it up. [Smile]

I understand you're confused about whether you're a lesbian or not - that's ok dude, there's no test you have to pass. You make the boundaries around your sexuality, no one else.

It can be so scary to figure out your sexuality, especially when you're very young (I was 14 when I first came out), but it will stand to you so much when you get older that you went through that and survived that. I know it's lonely, I know it's awful sometimes but you will meet people and get to know people and you will find comfort in yourself.

Do you have any friends that you've spoken to about this? Or your family?

You sound like such an intelligent thoughtful girl, there is no reason in the world that you can't go out and kick the Irish gay world's *** as much as you want to!

Now let me know where you're at and I'll find you some gays! [Big Grin]

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Mercury
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Thank you so much for replying. It really meant a lot for me.

As for where I live, I live near the Offaly/Kildare border, near a small town.

I think the nearest LGBT group to me would be Dublin, but I'm not so sure if my parents would be willing to bring me that far every week, or allow me to go on the bus every week.

I feel the same as you did when you were a teenager. While I do not live in Dublin, I do live near a town that wouldn't be considered the nicest of places. And I always get the vibe that the people there wouldn't be too accepting of me if I came out. I think I would be laughed at and sneered at, which is the last thing I want.

But it has given me hope that if you met other lesbians and have a girlfriend, and that lgbt groups are strong in universities, that perhaps my life isn't going to be doom and gloom. I may sound stupid, but I didn't even have the faintest idea that lgbt is so strong in the universities. It's comforting to know that, and something to look forward to. I'm only in fifth year though, but university isn't that far away I suppose.

I haven't said anything to my friends about me being considering whether I'm gay or not, but I have told my Mam and sister. Both were fine with it, but they also told me not to tell anyone in the town as they were afraid I'd get bullied.

Thank you so much for replying. You don't know what it means to me. And I really hope some lgbt group is near enough to me, because I'd love the chance to get to know other lgbt people.

Thanks again!!

[ 10-22-2010, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: Mercury ]

Posts: 4 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pumpkin_Pie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5822

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Your nearest group is most likely Dublin(I'm actually from Cork though and grew up there, hence me calling it the "real" capital [Wink] ), take a look here though:

www.belongto.org

and their facebook page is

http://www.facebook.com/belongtoyouthservices

and even check out their facebook group.
They have a lot of online resources too there, there's also a lot of message boards for the gay community in Ireland that wouldn't be sleazy or anything like gcn, angrypotato (not strictly gay but there are a LOT of gays on it), gaycork.com, gaire, queerid etc

It's GREAT that your mother and sister were fine with it, I understand about the whole don't tell anyone thing, my mother was like that too. Of course she ended up telling more people than I did so not sure what that was about - I'm sure it is just because they're worried. If they're dealing ok with it, then maybe even broach the topic of going to the youth group - there are parents support resources on the BelongTo website and I'm sure there are youth workers they can talk to within BelongTo if they have any worries about what kind of people you might be meeting or what goes on in BelongTo. They are an exceptional group and do amazing work.

Let me tell you something though, people can really surprise you with their reactions - both positively and negatively. I'm lucky in that most of my reactions since my teens have been positive, never underestimate people's ability to not really care about your sexuality.

There are a lot of non gay resources out there for Irish teenagers too, like reachout.com, letsomeoneknow.ie, spunout.ie and others.

And university (and 3rd level in general) is amazing when you're LGBT - I spent my years in the LGBT society in UCC, both on the committee and as a regular schlub, I'm involved in Students' Union work now too and there's a really strong LGBT presence there as well.

Make sure you contact BelongTo, even by phone and talk to them about what your options might be for groups in your locality.

Good luck! x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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(Rebecca, you're fantastic as ever!)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mercury
Neophyte
Member # 48926

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quote:
Originally posted by RebeccaM:
Your nearest group is most likely Dublin(I'm actually from Cork though and grew up there, hence me calling it the "real" capital [Wink] ), take a look here though:

www.belongto.org

and their facebook page is

http://www.facebook.com/belongtoyouthservices

and even check out their facebook group.
They have a lot of online resources too there, there's also a lot of message boards for the gay community in Ireland that wouldn't be sleazy or anything like gcn, angrypotato (not strictly gay but there are a LOT of gays on it), gaycork.com, gaire, queerid etc

It's GREAT that your mother and sister were fine with it, I understand about the whole don't tell anyone thing, my mother was like that too. Of course she ended up telling more people than I did so not sure what that was about - I'm sure it is just because they're worried. If they're dealing ok with it, then maybe even broach the topic of going to the youth group - there are parents support resources on the BelongTo website and I'm sure there are youth workers they can talk to within BelongTo if they have any worries about what kind of people you might be meeting or what goes on in BelongTo. They are an exceptional group and do amazing work.

Let me tell you something though, people can really surprise you with their reactions - both positively and negatively. I'm lucky in that most of my reactions since my teens have been positive, never underestimate people's ability to not really care about your sexuality.

There are a lot of non gay resources out there for Irish teenagers too, like reachout.com, letsomeoneknow.ie, spunout.ie and others.

And university (and 3rd level in general) is amazing when you're LGBT - I spent my years in the LGBT society in UCC, both on the committee and as a regular schlub, I'm involved in Students' Union work now too and there's a really strong LGBT presence there as well.

Make sure you contact BelongTo, even by phone and talk to them about what your options might be for groups in your locality.

Good luck! x

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Those websites you suggested to me (especially BeLonGTo and gcn) were really helpful. Right now, I'm browsing through them on the internet.

The groups may be a problem since they are so far away, but I think I'll talk to my Mam about it.

Thanks again [Smile]

[ 10-24-2010, 01:51 AM: Message edited by: Mercury ]

Posts: 4 | From: Ireland | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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