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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS & HELPS » Staff Stuff » Pregnancy risk question? READ THIS FIRST.

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Author Topic: Pregnancy risk question? READ THIS FIRST.
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If you did/were part of only anything like this, you (or a partner) had NO pregnancy risk:

• Dry humping (rubbing your genitals together where one or more people involved have some kind of clothing on, and yes, underpants and shorts are clothing)
• Oral sex
• Manual sex (fingering or handjobs)
• Had any actual or possible contact with pre-ejaculate but NOT during intercourse or direct (where people are naked, with no barriers) genital-to-genital contact
• Touching yourself after you touched someone whose hand has touched (or might, in the last decade, have touched) their penis
• Masturbation or mutual masturbation
• Kissing, making out or fondling
• Thinking about sex or fantasizing
• Taking a shower, bath or swim with someone with a penis
• Having someone with a penis ejaculate on some part of your body other than your genitals, like your buttocks, back or breasts
• Sitting somewhere where someone did or may have ejaculated (vaginas are amazing, but still subject to the laws of physics)
• Living in the same household or being in the same space as someone with a penis and doing things like using their towels, a toilet they also use, touching their laundry, or sleeping somewhere they have slept
• Felt strongly afraid about being pregnant, or having "that feeling" you are pregnant
• Something sexual -- but not something that can actually cause pregnancy -- your culture. community, religion, family or friends told you that, if you did it, There Would Be Consequences, and consequences, in your mind or theirs = pregnant.
• Wishing you were pregnant or strongly wanting to be pregnant
• Being a person who, despite doing or experiencing none of the things needed to actually create a pregnancy in reality, will be "that one in a million" who miraculously becomes pregnant. There is no such person: no one is or has ever been that magic, not even you (who I am sure is totally awesome and powerful, but no one has ever been that awesome or powerful)

There are not special people with these things: no one is special enough to become pregnant or cause a pregnancy via any of the above scenarios.

If you did/were part of anything like this, you (or a partner) MAY HAVE had a pregnancy risk, but it is not a likely one:
• Having someone ejaculate ("come") on hands then immediately rub it on a vulva or put those semen-covered fingers right inside the vagina
• You had intercourse or direct genital rubbing or direct contact with ejaculate BUT did so properly using at least one method of birth control, like condoms, the pill, an IUD, withdrawal or emergency contraception. If you did so using two or more methods properly, figure you're so close to the "no risk" that you can safely put yourself at a no.
• You engaged in unprotected anal sex, but the person with a penis did not ejaculate.
• Intercourse where more than one method of birth control was used, but one failed or was used improperly. However, the other backup method was used properly.

If you did/were part of anything like this, you (or a partner) ABSOLUTELY DID HAVE a possible pregnancy risk:
• Unprotected penis-in-vagina intercourse (whether you are calling it that or not: a penis inside the vaginal opening in some way)
• Rubbing a penis and a vagina directly together without using any method of birth control or any method properly, including condoms
• Ejaculating inside of the vagina, directly on the vulva -- that's the name for the external "female" genitals, including both sets of labia, the clitoris, vestibule, vaginal opening or perineum -- or inside or around the anus (not the buttocks, the anus).
• Any of the above where a method or more than one method of birth control was used but you know failed -- like a busted condom -- or may have failed -- like days of missed pills, and you did NOT use at least one backup method that WAS used properly.

If your next question is, how high of one? We can't tell you that, because that involves information you probably can't give us, like months of sound fertility charting (not just period tracking or what an app that only asks for menstrual dates tells you about ovulating), or someone's sperm count. We appreciate folks thinking we're awesome and smart, but no one is that awesome or smart, because we can't know things we can't know.

Where do you go from here?

If you had NO risk, then:
• You accept you had no risk and that you're not going to become pregnant and move on. If you want help making choices that don't scare you, you can ask us for help and we'll do that. If you need to get over feeling freaked and scared, it's self-care time. We will NOT keep talking users off a ledge who keep making choices that are freaking them out or won't do their own self-care.

If you may have had or did have a risk, then:
• If it has been less than 120 hours (five days) since that risk, you, or your partner, can consider and use, if you or they want and have access to, emergency contraception OR
• Wait this out. If a period comes, a pregnancy didn't happen. If it is missed or late, it's time for a pregnancy test, either at home or via a healthcare provider. If the test is positive, it's time to make some choices. We can talk with you about making a pregnancy choice if you would like that help.
• If you are not the person who may be or is pregnant, you can be as much in this with someone who is per what they want and you do, or you can -- and if they don't want you in any of this, have to, for the most part -- move on and let this go.

We are willing to talk with you about these choices if you may have or did have a risk and how to make them, or help you in making them.

We are willing to talk to you about feelings you have left from scares that were not based in reality, but NOT willing -- and will not -- to have conversations about you not accepting reality and asking us to convince you of reality when it comes to non-risks. We need to work in reality here.

If you want to see or read more information about what does and doesn't pose risks, how pregnancy does and doesn't happen, what to do when you can't let go of a scare, and other related information, please reference the following links:
• Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?
• Pregnancy Scared?
• You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You Think You Are?
•Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction
•Peeing on a Stick: All About Pregnancy Tests
•Chicken Soup for the Pregnancy Symptom Freakout's Soul
•Birth Control Bingo!
•Emergency Contraception (Plan B or the Morning-After-Pill)
•Who's Afraid of Sperm Cells?
•Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast
•When Sex "Just Happened" (And How to Make It Happen Instead)
• Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

Pregnancy risk questions are taking up so much of our time and energy, they are earnestly burning us all out.

This is particularly happening because so few of these conversations where users really dig in and won't let go don't actually involve real risks, and so many of the conversations get so circular, with users asking the same questions over and over, wanting us to get into a level of detail no one reliably can, or wanting us to make something magically all better when we simply cannot do that.

Same goes for users who just will not accept the facts we are giving: that's everyone's right, but when that's the case, then the answer is to go talk to someone else, get second opinions, or find a source you feel is more credible. In other words, if you refuse to accept what we are saying is true, that's on you to manage: do not ask us to, or insist we must, convince you.

We need to manage our time and energy to be able to do all running the site involves, including helping users indirect services with real risks and situations, as well as a plethora of other issues and questions. People are getting shortchanged who really should not because of our burnout with this stuff, and that should not be happening, and needs to stop.

SO. We need all of you to respect that limit, without pushing or argument, both out of respect for us and the massive amount of free services Scarleteen provides AND out of respect for your peers who have things that really happened -- like real risks of pregnancy or an actual pregnancy, sexual abuses and assaults, lack of safety when LGBTQ, relationship problems, questions about their bodies where they have not yet gotten answers, and who even just want information we have not already provided en masse.

If and when anyone just won't be respectful in those ways or pushes these kinds of limits, we're just going to start closing threads and suspending use, because something has got to give here to make this more manageable. Hopefully, it's going to be people respecting limits and boundaries, but if not, this is the internet, folks, and we've got buttons we can push to do that for folks who won't or can't do it for themselves.

I know I sound all AAARGH!, but that's because we're at that point. Past it. If you're a new user, or someone who has been rad about the limits we've set around this, our apologies for getting some GRR that has little to nothing to do with you.

Just one last reminder, too: when we get totally freaked out about risks with sex we are choosing, and are telling someone else -- like us -- that we can't handle them, can't stop crying, can't sleep, that is a HUGE NEON SIGN we need to reconsider our choices as clearly, we're just not ready at a given time to handle these things. And this is another thing that is on each of us: it's on us to take responsibility for ourselves and work to make choices that feel right for us and don't scare the bejeezus out of us. That's how we learn to manage our own sexual lives, and need to learn so we can do it, as it's not a part of our lives others can (or should!) manage for us. It's not on others to keep talking us down when we keep making choices that obviously aren't our own best ones: it's on us to make different choices and take responsibility for the ones we have made, whatever they are.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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