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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS & HELPS » Staff Stuff » looking at my sexuality confusion again

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Author Topic: looking at my sexuality confusion again
ken wat
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can the volunteers look at my recent post in the ask scarleteen section about my sexuality confusion, i added some new things in the replies and i was wondering what kind of input you can give me. please reply there

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kenty

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Heather
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Hey, Ken: I just read through that a little while ago, and as I had said in our first discussion, I really feel like you need to work on letting go of some of the ways you're thinking about this, because they just aren't sound.

Namely, the idea that liking a given thing = someone's identity. Because it just doesn't, unless that person DECIDES that linking a thing = their identity.

It seems like that's an idea you may have had for a long time around orientation, so I don't imagine you're just going to let go of it like that, it'll probably take some time. But aside of giving you the information I have that explains why that's not a sound framework, I'm not sure there's anything else we can do around it. I just don't think anything we can say is going to instantly change your mind with some of these things, but, instead, that you need to take the time to let these things sink in and change your own mind.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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thank you heather, I will try to do this, and if my future partners dont understand, what should I do?

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kenty

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Heather
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What is there for them to understand you're worried they won't?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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i mean i tell them i had sex with a man and i say i liked it physically but not emotionally, im sure many girls would not understand think im gay and leave

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kenty

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Heather
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Well, I'd say you dodged a bullet then, personally.

In other words, I personally wouldn't want to be dating someone homophobic, and I'm pretty sure I'd feel that way even if I was a straight person. because homophobia is a form of bigotry, and in my experience, really awesome people -- people awesome enough for me to be dating, and to have a great relationship with -- aren't bigots.

I'd also put a vote in for dating people who aren't ignorant about sexual orientation, and who don't accept how you identify yourself, but decide they know who you are better than you do.

So, I'd say that even WITHOUT having had this experience, to raise your own bar with who you date and only choose to get involved with people who accept the sexual history of others, have enough self-esteem to be totally fine with someone enjoying consensual sex (if that's what this was) with someone else in their past, regardless of their gender.

Catch my drift here?

[ 08-14-2013, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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yes i do catch your drift.
i want to date someone like that.
but by your experience heather, can you just tell me what you think about my situation, if you were me, what label would you put on yourself
can you just please do me this favor

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kenty

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Heather
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I hear you saying that you primarily find yourself feeling sexually and emotionally attracted to women, and that you are male.

So, were I you, and wanting a word for my orientation, I'd probably be choosing straight or heterosexual, because those terms are the ones we have to reflect that.

[ 08-14-2013, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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ok thank you, I realize that I am heterosexual, and by knowing this can accept the things that i have done in the past. If a girl were to not accept my past and understand, I will show her my first thread, and even if she doesnt understand after that, I will know she is not the right on for me.

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kenty

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Heather
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That sounds like a pretty good approach to me. Or, you could give her some of those links we gave you so she could educate herself.

But again, if you ask me, we all deserve people who accept and respect us, and without that, we are highly unlikely to have a good relationship with someone. We shouldn't have to give anyone compelling arguments or an education for them to do that. If they're not there yet per their own life experience and understanding and sense of self, then they're probably just not ready for a healthy intimate relationship in the first place.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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I'm still worried that they will understand since many in the human population think that if I enjoyed sex in the bedroom with a man in any way that makes me bi or gay

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kenty

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Robin Lee
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I can certainly understand how having people misunderstand you can feel scary, particularly since they might judge you negatively based on that misunderstanding.

There's just no way we can control what everyone around us thinks, or how they'll react to something we tell them.

What you can control is who you choose to talk to about this, and what you choose to do if, after talking to them about it, they do react badly.

I agree with Heather wholeheartedly that we all deserve to only have people around us who are accepting and respectful of us no matter what.

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Robin

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ken wat
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To clarify, when I physically liked it, it doesn't change my orientation. Just like if a gay man were to physically like straight sex it doesn't change his orientation. But I'm just questioning if liking it physically connects with sexual orientation? Also I consider myself straight, and not bisexual
I love women and will not do anything with a man again. Have you seen similar situations to mine?

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kenty

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Heather
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It sounds like you're not aware that the vast majority of men, of every orientation, have had some kind of sexual encounter, and with straight men, usually in adolescence with another man or other men. Many women share that too, it's just likely a bit lower due to women's sexuality being suppressed.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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I see... so to sum it all up I had experiences of doing sexual things with a man when I was younger, physically it felt fine but emotionally and mentally it just didn't feel right that's why I wouldn't do it now. Also I have never been attracted to or had feelings for a man making me exclusively heterosexual no matter what I have done in the past. And if my future partners don't understand me or think.I am gay and leave they are not worth having as intimate partners

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kenty

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Heather
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Remember that church/religion analogy I made? Seriously: THAT.

Also, that thing where we keep telling you that what your orientation is is what you say it is and feel it is -- not anything anything proves or disproves, nor anything anyone but you gets to decide? That too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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But for some reason I can't stop thinking of this subject and how I feel ashamed of doing it, how can I stop thinking about it so I can focus on other things? I keep on thinking about how my partners in the future are going to react also

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kenty

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Heather
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You know, sometimes to get to the end of our own hard feelings, what we mostly need to do is go through them, sit with them, and just take the time it takes to come to peace with them.

And if and when we find we can't, or that process is massively disrupting our lives, then the next best step is usually to call in the professionals: to seek out a qualified counselor or therapist to help us do that.

We can't stop your thought patterns, nor change your thinking on this, nor does it seem anything we say about it has any magic to do that for you. This really is mostly about you accepting the kinds of things we've said today -- which will probably take more than one day to sink in -- working through your own feelings and taking some real time to do that, without pushing them away or staying stuck in them, and/or seeking out some qualified help if you feel like you have already had all the education, and worked through these feelings for years but still are in the same place with them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Also? Homophobia, or any kind of bias or bigotry, tends to be something people just don't unlearn overnight. Given the feelings of shame, and your concerns about people thinking you might be gay, a lot of what you have said here, that seems to be a HUGE part of all of this.

So, that's just something else you make efforts to unlearn and let go of, understanding doing that is going to likely take some serious time.

If you want another help with that, this video series might be a good place to start: http://vimeo.com/2302993

[ 08-14-2013, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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also are you all sexuality specialists? IS what you say what is the truth and real? Can I rely on all your information? I am just asking because my life and how I live it will depend on you all
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Heather
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Your life and how you live it most certainly doesn't depend on us: that's yours.

That said, you are more than welcome to look up our backgrounds to verify our credibility. You can do that easily by clicking through on my "about" in my signature line. That will take you to a page where you can review my bio and CV as well as Robin's bio.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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