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Author Topic: Question
LacieC
Activist
Member # 33142

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Hello guys I just wanted to know what you guys think of this....

"So I WAS waiting for marriage but last time me and my boyfriend were together it just happened hes been trying for awhile. after along time apart he came and visited me he tired many times and I told him no but I guess one night one thing lead to an other and it happened and I wasn’t upset, I really didn’t care, I felt the same(I think I may have been in denial) but we did it many times before he left so I cant say he was in the wrong in anyway. After he left I’m so mad at myself I know if he didn’t keep pushing it I wouldn’t have but I should have kept saying no instead of giving in. I feel like total shit now and when he asked me about it I told him I didn’t regret it even tho I do I just didn’t want him to kno. I just cant believe something that I held on to for so long is gone now. I don’t know I guess I just needed to get that out there, I know theres nothing I can do now. I just wish this shitty feeling I have now I would have had before hand...Oh well"

I've linked her to this site but she insists this was all her fault for making him wait. The more she talks through the thread (it's on another site) the more upset by it she gets. She is playing the self blame card. He didn't do anything wrong because according to her she should have just said "no" again instead of going along with it.

I linked her to these pages:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
How can men know if someone is giving consent or not?
What is rape, and what is it like to be raped?
He's my boyfriend, so how could it have been rape?
Is it my fault?

I'm at a loss as to how to make her see that it wasn't her it was him.

Sorry I just needed to put this somewhere and wasn't sure where. Any ideas on what else could help?

Posts: 108 | From: Michigan | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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Hi Lacie. First I wanted to say how kind it was of you to offer help and support to that girl, someone you didn't even know. I think what you're finding now is what many people working in service to others find, which is that often you are not able to help people in the way you want, or that they refuse that help. That can hurt, both because you've invested a lot of time and energy helping them and because you hate to see someone suffer through something. But you can't take it personally or let it keep you from trying to help others. Even though right now she's refusing to think about what happened that way, later on she may look back on it and rethink things.

You say that you are at a loss on how to help her see that it wasn't her fault, but the problem with abuse is that the abused person will often feel it is their fault because they've been so brainwashed by their abuser. Even when they finally leave an abusive relationship or situation, it can still take a long time (years even) before they stop blaming themselves. Encouragement and words of support can be a great help, but ultimately, they're often going to have to leave the relationship before they can begin to see things clearly and realize it was NOT their fault.

One of the very sad statistics about abuse (and her situation does sound abusive) is that a person will leave an abusive relationship several times before leaving for good. That can be hard to see over the Internet, and even harder in person. Linking her to those articles was a great help, though, and you might also give her the link for RAINN's online hotline or phone number.

[ 01-29-2009, 10:42 AM: Message edited by: orca ]

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LacieC
Activist
Member # 33142

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Rainn's? I've heard of it on here but where do I find that information?

Thanks...I was almost raped when I was 20. I was lucky enough to realize that the only way I was getting out of it was if I did something myself. I knew where I was enough to know that even if I screamed no one could hear me and that if he backed me up towards the shower (I was in a bathroom) that I was done for. I just kept talking to him and keeping him confused (I was changing for a new years eve party when he let himself in). As soon as I heard people start playing pool right outside the bathroom door (it was the game room bathroom) I kneed him and got out, didn't have my shirt on all the way yet but I didn't care. I only told a friend of mine and he stayed close the rest of the night. The guy that attacked me was a family member of the guys throwing the party, he is no longer welcome in their home. I know that mine is a very rare story because I did get away before ANYTHING happened.

Sorry off topic...I just hate to see others go through things like that. I know this case is the emotional side and mine was physical, it still hits home.

Thank you Orca. I know it will take time I just wanted to make sure I hadn't missed anything. Thanks again

Posts: 108 | From: Michigan | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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www.rainn.org. Their number is 1-800-656-HOPE.

I'm sorry to hear you've had a personal experience yourself. Have you ever spoken to anyone about it? An attempted rape/assault can be just as frightening and impact you just as much as one that's carried through. One site you may find helpful (and that you may want to link to that girl, too) is Pandora's Aquarium (www.pandys.org). It's an online community of survivors of rape and sexual assault available 24/7 so no one ever has to feel alone or without anyone to talk to.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LacieC
Activist
Member # 33142

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Yes I've talked it through with quite a few people now because I know now that he was the one that did something wrong, not me. I'll have to check those sites out for my self too. Thanks.
Posts: 108 | From: Michigan | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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