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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS & HELPS » Staff Stuff » Advice,2

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Author Topic: Advice,2
Rob91
Neophyte
Member # 29915

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Hey,miz scarlet,i talked to Ashley,her mom,and my uncle...well Ashleys mom said its ok with her if we do infact have sex just to use protection.My uncle said that hes glad i finaly know that i do like girls,but he still wants to know about my whole bisexual thoats.And Ashley said..well she just jumped up off the couch when her said it was ok and yelled "YES!" so tomorrow i will have my dad get me a doctor for mentle help if something should go wrong.Oh and i had another question,what do think about me and Ashley living in either her or my parents house together? Our parents will be in the home also.

[ 07-20-2006, 10:14 PM: Message edited by: Rob91 ]

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Rob

Posts: 32 | From: Marion Ohio | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wobblyheadedjane
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Just so you know, parents cannot give permission for a couple to be having sex under age of consent laws. The laws were instated back in the day to prevent parents from selling their children into prostitution, so parental say-so making it okay is specifically not a part of the law.

You said in your other topic that you seriously doubt your ability to stay stable if having sex with Ashley doesn't go well. What if it does go well, and you still feel unhappy and unhealthy? Sex can be tied in with a lot of physical and emotional feeling that might overwhelm you, positive and negative. I would strongly recommend you take Miz Scarlet's advice from before and concentrate on getting to a healthy and sound place for your own benefit before engaging in sex. If your girlfriend cares for you, she'll understand why your mental and emotional readiness are important.

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Unlucky at cards; lucky at love.

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Rob91
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Member # 29915

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Your right,the smart thing to do would be listening to miz scarlet.but, i also love my girlfriend and want to keep her happy.even if risking my own safety.I know I'm very young to be on the subject of engaging in sexual intercourse after all I'm just know learning how to do things with her such a oral and anal sex.I really don't care about her being 16 i have been with her for three years,so that means something to me,and I understand sex may change our relationship for the best or worse, but it is something that we will both do at one point in our lives,And i we both would like it to be with eachother.

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Rob

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wobblyheadedjane
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So if you know the smart thing to do is wait, then why not pick the smart thing to do? You've stated that if things go badly, or are a disappointment, you will be painfully depressed. Aside possible age of consent issues that could crop up, what about pregancy or STD risks? Even the most adjusted, ready people can find an unexpected condom breakage or contraception failure could send them into a tailspin. Yet, these are real consequences that can happen as a result of becoming sexually active (though anal sex and oral sex ARE sexual activities, and could still potentially get your partner in trouble.)

Let's lay things out here: a) sexual activity with your chosen partner is illegal and could get her in very real legal trouble with the law, in spite of any parental blessing you both may have, b) you yourself have stated you don't feel ready for the possible disappointments sex may bring, c) at 14, how will you be able to pay for and access safer sex items like condoms and lube, let alone STI screenings and pregnancy tests?

This is a pretty big list of things to digest, so I would recommend you considering them carefully, and discussing them with your girlfriend (in a NON-sexual situation) before proceeding. If you care about her, why would you risk her getting in trouble with the law? if you care for yourself, why would you risk becoming depressed if you can't handle the responsibility?

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Unlucky at cards; lucky at love.

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Rob91
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1, i have a job working at my aunts store and i make around $120 a week so condoms and lube are pretty much takin care of.But,on the down side i don't know what an STI screening would cost.2, I stated that i was getting mentle help IF something should depress me.and 3, my girlfriend her self desided to take legal risks her self,after all shes the one that brote up the subject.

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Rob

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Personally?

I would not want to, in any way, be party to something which could get my partner out in jail, or, far worse, registered as a sex offender for the whole of their life, something which will limit where they can live, what jobs they can get, if and where they can go to college, and how everyone around them views them.

You love your partner and want to ensure her happiness, not helping her wind up like that would accomplish that much more effectively than having sex with her, especially when you've already acknowledged that you feel risks for your own mental health. Yes, this is a BIG decisions to make for someone your age, one you should not be 100% responsible for, and that it's looking like you may be the only responsible one around really thinking isn't a vote for having more sex, it's a vote for waiting until that isn't the case AND you feel more ready AND it's all within the bounds of the law. Make sense?

Did you discuss BOTH those issues with all the people you talked to? What did they have to say? How does Ashley's mother feel about her daughter possibly winding up registered as a criminal, for instance?

Really, it sounds to me like your girlfriend is being pretty selfish here, and thinking more about her physical wants than some of the serious possible consequences AND your needs.

(FYI? Oral and anal sex are also not legal for you two in Ohio.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rob91
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yes,i have talked to her mother about her going to jail or prison and her mother said just not to let anyone out side our familys know that we are having sex,and YES i agree she is somewhat selfish,controling at times,and alot of anger issuses saying that i'm cheating on her with her sister ( kim,13 ) so yes i agree that she does have some issuses to get takin care of.

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Rob

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Heather
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Rob, you keep posting and with almost every post, there seems to be one MORE very sound reason not to be sexually active with your girlfriend right now.

(And per just not telling anyone? That's not effective. Not only will someone be informed per if the two of you wind up needing treatment for pregnancy or an STI, but people talk. Even your girlfriend telling friends about it spreads info.)

From everything you keep posting, I really think it's wisest to hold off on sex right now, not just intercourse, either. You can't have a healthy sexual relationship, which consideres everyones needs and development, in this context.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rob91
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yeah your right,i just told her that i'm ready and she left,so i guess it does'nt matter any more.i do everything for her and she treats me like ****.i'm really starting to think the 3 years was just about sex to her.so i mise well give up on it period.( sorry for cursing )

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Rob

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Heather
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Hey, it's okay. You feel angry, and sounds like you have every reason to.

It's seriously not cool for a partner to be angry when their partner just isn't ready for something they want.

I'm sure the last three years were not just about sex to her, but it does sound like she's in a very different place than you are developmentally (remember, too, that girls sexually mature both earlier and faster than boys, so you have more than two developmental years between you, even though the difference in years is only two) and that she's not ready for the sort of consideration and sensitivity a person needs to have a healthy sexual relationship with someone else.

Better to find that out now, though, than after you've taken things up a few notches, as much as it sucks now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rob91
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well screw it,her sister likes me.sooo,i think i'll go after her:)

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Rob

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Heather
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ACK!

Rob, do you really want your life to resemble a Jerry Springer episode?

Come on, bub. Not FIVE minutes ago, your partner of apparently three years broke up with you. For startes, that's pretty darn soon -- surreally soon -- to conisder dating anyone new. You haven't even resolved anything with terminating that relationship.

Beyond that?

One family member per customer. This is a sage rule for life. A sane person does not make their dating pool within one family.

Go take a day outside doing something for yourself. Go relax, hike, whatever. Don't go try and puruse a not-even-yet-ex's sister when a) that's just tacky bad news and b) you know you weren't ready for the first partnership.

Okay?

Get outta here: off the computer, get some fresh air.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rob91
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do something to relax...ok i'll take her sister to the new Fast And the fearous movie [Big Grin]

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Rob

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(Are you thinking this is funny? Because this isn't funny.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rob91
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No,I don't think its funny.I just think since kim likes me i should give it a shot.After all theres no harm in looking at your options while still in a relationship,Right?

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Rob

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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YES, there most certainly is.

And all the more so with someone's SISTER.

If you're trolling here, knock it off.

If you're not, get a grip. Yesterday, you were figuring you might be ready to have sex, but today basic propriety is totally eluding you.

Leave her sister alone, go spend some of YOUR time alone, off the computer, in a sound mental place, and for a little while, away from these boards. because this is just entering the sphere of the ridiculous.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rob91
Neophyte
Member # 29915

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Well for all i know she mite be out with other guy right now,so,I think I'll just talk to her sister and get to know her a little better after thats not really a date.so talk to you later.

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Rob

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Rob91
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Member # 29915

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Hey again Miz scarlet.Me and Ashley have talked and desided to wait on sex atleast until i turn 15.And i also thought about the STI screenings,so i have desided 25% of what i make at my aunts store will be saved for just that,and other needed supplies for other types of sexual intercourse. [Smile] So do you think its a good idea? [Confused]

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Rob

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DarkChild717
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Rob, the age of consent in Ohio is 16. Meaning you cannot consent to sexual activities until them. Someone engaging in those activities with you is committing a crime which has very real lasting consequences.

Saving money for becoming sexually active is responsible. Becoming sexually active when the law calls it a crime isn't.

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Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
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Rob91
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Member # 29915

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DarkChild, no offence to you or the state laws.But if we BOTH are ready for sex,and we TRUST eachother,we will take action.You can take that any way you want but i am not trying to be mean.

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Rob

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think it's a good idea, period, to put sex off between you right now, in general. And by that, I don't just mean intercourse.

For ALL the reasons you have posted about here or we have discussed: legal reasons, worries about emotional stability, your relationship problems, etc.

[ 07-21-2006, 08:00 PM: Message edited by: Miz Scarlet ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rob91
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So,your saying to put off on sex until i'm ready? or keep it legal and wait until i'm like 17 or 18?...Personaly, I rather just wait until i feel up to it emotionaly.AND after deskusing this with Ashley,she asked if when we do "IT" if we can NOT use protection and try to have a baby [Eek!] ...i plain out said,hell no!.Depending on if we have a home,jobs,and ATLEAST being around 25 or 30 to even try having babys.

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Rob

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Heather
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I think that it's very difficult to plan for things way in advance like this, especially with young adult relationships.

You know what you need to know right now: NOW you are not ready, SHE clearly is not ready, and you two are not on the same page in a lot of areas, have conflicts to work out AND it's not legal (again, not just interecourse).

Worry about now for now, okay? You can make clear to a partner that you'll keep conversation open -- you need to keep having those -- and if and when you DO feel ready, and everything IS kosher, that you can talk about that then.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Rob91
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Ok,Thank you.

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Rob

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