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Dal16
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Member # 42565

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ive been friends with this girl for years, we survived every problem together and managed to stay close after we separated schools in high school, we used to talk about everything and i do mean everything and i really thought i knew her better than myself but over the last couple of months she turned into a different person and not for the better, she is hanging around with known sluts but ok whatever its her choice but what has been making me crazy is that she knows that i am not okay with hangin out with guys that are known to smoke up or stuff like that and neither are my other friends and a couple of months ago neither did she and now she brings them around and hangs all over them like seriously all over them even when she just met them only that morning, i love her shes my best friend but i cant handle what she is doing to herself! even her schoolwork isnt important anymore. what can i do to help our relationship bec i know it will crash and burn if .... i want to help her HOW??

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*DAL16*

Posts: 1 | From: New York | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Johann7
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You can help her by being supportive if she needs it and not trying to dictate her behavior. She's at a new school with a new group of kids, so she's going to need to find a new social niche since the one she had before doesn't exist any more. Too, the teenage years are often a time of great change and upheaval for many people, and it's possible that you friend is re-evaluating who she is and what's important to her. You say she's "hanging around with known sluts" and "guys that are known to smoke up or stuff like that," (this stuff tends to be exaggerated by the rumor mill, and pot's basically the tamest drug there is) and that she's being physically demonstrative with guys she's met recently - there's really nothing inherently wrong with any of these behaviors as long as she's being responsible about her safety and health.

It can be really hard when close friends move to a new social scene; my best friend through middle-school started hanging out with a "bad" crowd in high school and we drifted apart for a few years. I eventually got over my own judgmental attitude with respect to my friend's new friends and many of them turned out to be really decent people (I have many things in common with my friend, so it makes sense I'd have some things in common with his new friends). This isn't necessarily the case with YOUR friend's new friends, but you should definitely give them a chance.

Because you guys go to different schools now, you're going to have to adapt to a new dynamic, but it doesn't have to be all bad. Tell you're worried about her when you are (especially if she's blowing off her schoolwork), but don't tell her she's making wrong decisions. Everyone has to be free to make their own decisions, even if they're mistakes, and you don't want her to resent you for trying to control her life. Just be there to help her out if she needs it, and don't be afraid to confront her if she's doing things that are out-and-out dangerous (heavy drinking/drug use, frequent vandalism/theft, etc.). Look for some common interests with her new friends (art, sports, activism, books, plays, t.v. shows for that matter, there's so much in the world and I'll bet you have some common ground somewhere) - that will make them more fun to hang out with. Make sure you're approaching your friend with an attitude of friendship and not of judgment; you CAN'T dictate her behavior and trying will only make her resent you.

I know this can be really hard, but if you keep an open mind and an attitude of friendship, you can approach this as a chance to make some new friends yourself and not as the loss of an old friend.

Best of luck.

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Robble Robble Robble!

Posts: 46 | From: Milwaukee, WI USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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