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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Is This Selfish?

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Author Topic: Is This Selfish?
Member # 107898

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Okay, idk if this is in the right section or not but I had a quick question.

Is it selfish to not want to have kids ever due to financial and beauty reasons?

1) Kids cost so much money. The future job I want doesn't really have the promise of a lot of money (I want to be a portrait photographer), and there is a lot that I want to do with my life, besides raise a family. I want to go travel the world, and try a bunch of different things, and own a nice house and a nice car, and just live comfortably! I feel like with kids, I would not be able to do the things I had planned for my life.

2) Pictures of post-delivery women have scared me out of my wits. I've always been very self-conscious about my body, and the thought of one day having super saggy boobs, and stretch marks everywhere, and weight gain terrifies me. I take a lot of pride in my body, and I feel like I would ruin it. I love to model, and I feel like nobody would want to see my body after pregnancy.

Really, i'm more worried about my appearance than the financial issues, because I might consider adopting a kid, or having a surrogate mother. But personally, I never EVER want to have to go through the childbirth process. I'd have myself sterilized right now if that was an option. Is this selfish of me?

Posts: 37 | From: America | Registered: Jul 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 25425

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What does it mean to be selfish? It means to listen to yourself and do what is best for you. In itself, that is not a bad thing - it can only become one when you do so with no regard for the people around you.

So, even if your desire not to have children is selfish, that is not a bad thing, as this is uniquely about YOU, and no one else. This is about your wants and desires, about what you think is best for yourself. The only person you need to consult on whether YOU want to have children is YOU.

That said, your concern about finances is also a very smart one. Pregnancy, birth and raising a child are things that cost a lot of money, so it is only smart to consider whether you have that money, or are able and willing to go the extra mile to have that kind of money. And if you know that you have other priorities and things that are more important to you, that is perfectly fine! Not everyone wants to have children, after all, and it is certainly not a requirement.

As for the body issues, the same goes: if these are your priorities and preferences, then that is what you get to act on.

(As an aside, though: not everyone who was pregnant and gave birth to a child has "saggy boobs" and stretchmarks everywhere - every body reacts differently to pregnancy. But a body changed through childbirth is not not a "ruined" body. It is a body that has changed over time, as most bodies do. If you have the idea that you can somehow avoid your body ever changing by avoiding pregnancy, or that having an unchanged body that is not at all marked by the life you lead and the experiences you make is ideal, then it sounds like you may need to adjust your expectations a bit.)

To sum up, the choices that you make about yourself and your own life, based on your own wants and desires, are necessarily selfish. And that is a good thing. While there are situations in which it is a good idea to step back and consider the needs of someone else, first, this is not one of them. No one would be served if you had a child that you are not ready for and/or don't really want. And since being pregnant and having children is totally optional, you get to make the choice that feels best for you.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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