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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Was it a miscarriage?

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Author Topic: Was it a miscarriage?
fetacheeselover
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Back in March, my boyfriend and I slept together. The condom didn't break as far as I know, although if it had, my boyfriend probably wouldn't have told me. However, the condom was worn for a long time and we tried to have sex several times with the same condom. When we had sex, I'm pretty sure the condom wasn't on properly and it had slipped nearly competely off I think. It was barely on, except for a tip. We had to stop because the condom slipping off was very uncomfortable. I didn't get my period and I took a pregnancy test and it was faulty I think because there were two lines but they were blurry, like they kind of ran into each other. Anyway, my period was due the Monday after we had sex. We had sex on the Saturday just before. But my period never arrived and I began to get very worried. It came like three weeks later, although it is often irregular by a week or so, it had never been like that. Anyway, I had started to get more and more worried and I actually ended up in hospital about five days after we had sex. I was admitted for the night because of a suicide attempt and I was under a lot of stress, had nobody to talk too about my pregnancy concerns. I was really quite unwell at this point, moody and sleepy and overall just not that well at all. Anyway, I started to get quite back cramps about a week or so later and I was quite unwell, sleeping a lot and stuff. They were like period pains but a lot worse. I thought it could be like a chemical miscarriage or something and then I started bleeding really heavily a few days later. I thought it was my period but it was really heavy and I passed a lot of blood and if I can remember correctly, I had it for like over a week. I was super unwell at this point and everybody put it down to my recent sucide attempt but I felt like it was something worse.


So here I am. Nine months on and I'm wondering if it was a miscarriage. I feel like I may honestly never really know. I know it sounds crazy but I feel like it was because the stress of being in hospital would explain the reason for the possible miscarriage and the condom was very unreliable?
I've been a mess recently because of it. It was nine months on the 24th and I've been crying and just basically a mess because I can't stop thinking about how if I was, my baby would be here now but it's not.
I've got the song brick by Ben folds five on replay and I've been writing in my journal constantly and I just feel so guilty because if I was, my depression and suicide attempt must have killed it because I was so stressed and unwell at the time.
I feel so bad and I'm crying now [Frown]

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Robin Lee
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Hi Fetacheeselover,

No, you will never know for sure. Without having had a positive pregnancy test, there's no way to say whether you experienced a miscarriage or just a particularly heavy period. The kinds of stresses you're describing can also hav a huge impact on the menstrual cycle, which, yes, can include a period being later and heavier than usual, and having different premenstrual symptoms from those you usually have.

It might also help to know that miscarriage is a lot more common than people think. I don't have the percentages in front of me, but a high percentage of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and of those, most are not because of anything the pregnant person did or didn't do.

In general, it sounds like you're struggling a lot. When people struggle for as much as, and for as long as, you're describing, it generally means they need some outside help. What kind of support do you have in person? Do you have a counselor or therapist you can talk to?

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Robin

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fetacheeselover
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I just read that and just cried and cried for a bit. It felt good to let it all out. I've been doing a lot of writing and I think that helps a lot. Yes, you're right. I may never know for sure but you know when you have like a gut instinct? That's what it is, I feel deep in my heart that it was a chemical abortion. It's sort of just hit me again recently because I tried not to think about it at all but it sort of overwhelmed me again on the 24th because it would have been exactly nine months then. And I can't talk to my family about it and I don't know if I should tell my best friend and I don't know how I'd tell my counsellor and besides she's on holiday at the moment :/
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fetacheeselover
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Do you think it was a chemical miscarriage?
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Robin Lee
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To be clear: abortion and miscarriage are two diferent things. Miscarriage is a spontaneous thing, triggered by the body; abortion is a medical procedure.

I'm also not clear on what you mean by a chemical miscarriage.

Since you did not have a positive pregnancy test, I think it might be sound for you to let go of this idea that what you experienced was a miscarriage. You have no evidence that it was or wasn't, and while I hear you on gut instincts, sometimes those gut feelings don't serve us so well. Right now, for example, you're going on a gut instinct that you will never be able to verify, and it's clearly upsetting you. That's not serving you.

Again, many pregnancies end in miscarriage, but since you have no evidence that you had a pregnancy in the first place, I think it may be sounder for you to focus on what you do know. What you do know is that you're really upset.

Can you fill me in on what is keeping you from discussing this with your counselor? I realize she's on holiday right now, but when she gets back, if this still feels as big for you as it does right now, it's worth talking to her about. Helping you is her job, and anything that affects your mental well-being is something she'd want to know about so she can do her job better and give you the kind of help that is most useful to you.

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Robin

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September
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I am sorry to hear you are struggling so much, fetacheeselover. As Robin said, there is really no way to tell, after all this time, whether you might have had an early miscarriage.

I think it might help you to deal with this all if you had someone you could talk to. If your friend is someone you usually trust and who is usually supportive, then I do suggest that you tell them. Just talking to someone can be really helpful.

How are you doing for a support network in your life? You say you cannot talk to your parents - why do you think so? What about your partner?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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fetacheeselover
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a chemical miscarriage? Haven't you heard of them? They're also known as a chemical pregnancy I think
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fetacheeselover
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And yeah I know what you mean but the signs are all there...condom slipped off a lot, lots of stress, I took a test and it came up blurry and my friend(who has been pregnant herself) said it could have been faulty but hen my period didnt come and I was really unwell and then the bleeding started. I'm sorry if I seem snappy or like I'm making a big deal out of this but I'm the kind of person who likes to be in the know and know what happened
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Robin Lee
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Chemical pregnancy or miscarriage seems, upon searching, to be more of a popular term than a health or medical term, which might explain why I wasn't familiar with it. [Smile]

Again, though, all I can tell you is that miscarriages do happen in early pregnancy, and in later pregnancy, for many people. There's nothing more any of us can tell you to determine what it is that you experienced.

I very much agree with Joey that it'd be helpful for you to talk about your fears and worries with people in your life. oftentimes when we keep things to ourselves, they grow and fester, taking on a life of their own, turning into strong feelings and beliefs that it's then harder to shake.

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Robin

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Heather
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Just so everyone is clear, "chemical pregnancy" is a term used to describe when someone shows positive on a pregnancy test, usually one taken too early, but did not turn out to be, in fact, pregnant.

It is called that because what is understood happens is that either parts of fertilization and implantation of the fertilized ovum happened, but then did not complete. But when the test was taken, it was still kind of working on it, so the hormone produced by pregnancy was present enough to show a positive on a test. These are not that common, however, parts of a pregnancy starting but not completing is thought to be highly common. If it is helpful or useful to know, when that does not hapoen, it is, not medically classed as miscarriage, since there will not have been a developing embryo to lose.

As well, very early miscarriage most frequently goes totally unnoticed, because there just really is not much to occur. It usually will be nearly indistinguishable from a period.

While a miscarriage does not sound likely to have been what was happening here, ultimately, no one can possibly tell you for sure at this point. There is simply no way you or we can know that now, especially without having had any other tests done right around that time per pregnancy. Had you had another test run after that, and was it positive, then you could have known, but that is about it.

Given that you just really are not going to be able to be 100% sure about what did or did not hapoen here, what do you think you need to resolve it?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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