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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Pregnant and heart broken

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Author Topic: Pregnant and heart broken
LilyMidori
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It's been a long and stressful week for me. My fiance and I have been using the withdrawal method, with no other back up for almost 4 years now. Before that I used the method with another partner for over a year, so I had come to trust it. About a week ago exactly, I had spotting for a day. I have been pregnant before when I was much younger (terminated) and realizing that my period wasn't due for another week or two, an immediate feeling of dread set in. The feeling got worse as the days went on and no period came. The only other time this has happened in my life is with a previous implantation bleed.

I decided to get a pregnancy test a couple of days ago to calm my mind. I took the test in the afternoon, a standard blue dye test (two lines = pregnant, one line = not pregnant.) The control line was dark, the other line appeared but was faint. The package said that a second line was still positive even if faint. I found various threads that said blue dye tests are notorious for false positives. Later that night, I began seeing traces of blood in my panties, so I put a tampon in. My stomach had cramping, and when I removed the tampon in the morning there was light blood, similar to the beginning of a period. Still nervous that a heavier flow hadn't started yet, I removed the tampon and didn't replace it. I was able to wipe a little more pink discharge throughout the day yesterday, but nothing had started which is totally atypical for me.

That was yesterday. This morning as soon as my fiance walked out of the door for work, I took a second test with first-morning pee. As much as I am still in denial right now, there were two clear blue lines. I waited a couple of minutes to be sure I wasn't seeing things, then promptly hid the test in the trash can and looked up the number to Planned Parenthood.

My fiance is the love of my life, he is my everything, and I definitely want to have his children one day, but not now. I am absolutely heartbroken that I can not tell him what I am going through, because he would love for me to have his baby and would not stand for me to have an abortion. I have no doubt in my mind that I do not want to be a mother right now. I have no job, I just made a cross country move and am planning a wedding. I have such big hopes for motherhood, I want to desire it and put my all into it and I can't right now.

I have not been able to do anything for days I have been so sick with stress. The only time I have seen the light of day this week has been to purchase a pregnancy test (which I hid in a grocery trip.) I am waiting for a call from someone with Medicaid right now who will see if I qualify for coverage and set my appointment with Planned Parenthood. I was told to expect the call within the next 72 hours. I expect I will tell my fiance that I am going for a checkup, and then receive "the pill" to take at home, and tell him that I am having a really bad period. I feel awful lying to him but I believe in my heart of hearts that it would be for more good than harm.

I guess I am just looking for support, and hoping that someone has been in a similar situation that can relate. To the world it would look as if this pregnancy is a blessing but it feels so wrong to me [Frown]

[ 05-03-2013, 12:13 PM: Message edited by: LilyMidori ]

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Robin Lee
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Hi LilyMidori and welcome to the Scarleteen message boards,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this situation and that it's so hard on you! This really is a tough spot for you to be in.

Do you have no one in your life you can turn to for support--a friend or family member perhaps?


If Medicaid doesn't cover the termination partially or completely, there are other funding options. Planned Parenthood should be able to provide you with more information on what's available in your area. WE can also help you look for resources should that become necessary for you. . Do you hav an appointment with Planned Parenthood booked yet?

Can you perhaps talk a little mmore about what it is your afraid of regarding sharing this with your fiance? Do you know him to be against abortion? Are you afraid he'll insist on you carrying the pregnancy to term even though you know that is just not right for you now?

I'm glad you've come here for support, and we'll help you out in whatever way we can.

--------------------
Robin

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LilyMidori
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Thanks Robin. I originally contacted PP and they asked if I would like to apply for coverage through them. That is when I was told to expect a call within 72 hours and that the person who calls will also schedule my appointment with them.

I only have one friend who is removed enough from the situation that I felt I could confide in her, and she doesn't believe that I should terminate the pregnancy. It was hurtful to hear her try to persuade me to change my mind instead of supporting me. I am thinking of lying to her and telling her I was mistaken/miscarried.

My fiance is Catholic and does not believe in abortion. Not to mention he is very tender hearted towards me and would consider a baby a huge divine blessing. He would definitely insist on me carrying to term. I feel awful for lying to cover up the situation but like I said I really feel that it is for more good than harm. My gut feeling is that I'm not ready.

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Robin Lee
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I'm so sorry to hear your friend wasn't supportive. I can imagine how hurtful that was, and how tough it must be to feel like you hav to go to all these lengths to make sure the people in your life don't know what is really going on with you.

You're the one who is pregnant though, and as such you know what is best for your life and for your body.

What do you think is going to hep you get through until you hear about when your appointment will be?

How are you feeling yourself about getting the abortion? If you'd like to talk about your feelings about that (or about anything else around this) we're here to listen.

Is there anything else we can do to be helpful to you right now?

--------------------
Robin

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LilyMidori
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Well first of all it's hard hearing one of your closest friends tell you "don't do anything stupid" and "it's his baby too." I am not the type of person to do anything without great thought and consideration so that was uncalled for. It also made me feel guilty for telling someone I actually know who is not my fiance. Thank goodness this friend doesn't have access to any other part of my life so it will not get back to him.

I don't know what will help until I hear back. I'm honestly still very much in a state of denial and confusion about what is going on with my body. I remember reading one of Heather's stories years ago about her experiences making peace with abortion and that is what made me come back here. I have no moral qualms about it, I just never thought I would be faced having to terminate a pregnancy with someone who I *do* have a future with. I know he's not going anywhere, I know he will take care of me and love me, I can't blame the fact that I'm not ready on anyone other than me. All I have is my inner voice, and it's small but persistent.

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LilyMidori
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I can't seem to find that article anymore, does anyone happen to know if it is still around?
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Robin Lee
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Yes, your friend's reaction to you was uncalled for. You truly know what is best for you. I'm cheering that small but persistent voice on, because ultimately this isn't just your body, but your life.

If it helps to keep checking in here on what is going on, and how you're feeling, it's okay to do that. I'll be happy to keep talking with you about this, as will Heather when she gets back on Monday. Waiting for the wheels to start turning on a process is hard. How is interacting with your fiance this weekend going to be for you do you think?

--------------------
Robin

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LilyMidori
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Thanks, that's more comforting than you know.

I'm not too worried about my fiance. He knows that I've been having menstrual drama, but he's oblivious like most guys. He just wants me to go to a doctor. I had a problem with cysts about a year ago and he's been worried ever since.

I just received a call back about applying for Medicaid. I have an appointment to present all of my documents and have a pregnancy test done on Tuesday, thank goodness. I told my fiance that I am applying for Medicaid so that I can see a doctor and he was all for it. I feel a lot better knowing when my appointment will be.

Now I can go back to obsessing over every little sensation and bodily function for the next 4 days. As scientifically unlikely as it may be, I still haven't given up hope that I might start my period. Either way, I have hope.

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Robin Lee
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Yay...I'm so glad you got an appointment so quickly.

...and I have to admit I smiled at the phrase "menstrual drama."

I'll be checking in throughout the weekend, so just leave a note any time you need to talk about something and I'll get back to you when I come in.

--------------------
Robin

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Redskies
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Are either of these the article you were looking for, Lily?

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/reproduction/abortion_one_womans_story

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/to_jane_sarah_for_their_30th_birthday

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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LilyMidori
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Thank you Redskies, that first article is exactly the one I was thinking of. Reading it again made me cry, but they are happy tears. I am so thankful for all of you.
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Robin Lee
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HI LilyMidori,

I'm glad you found those articles helpful.

I just wanted to check in on you today and see how you're doing.

--------------------
Robin

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Heather
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I'm mostly offline today myself, Lily, but if you want someone extra to talk with, I'm happy to make myself available.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LilyMidori
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Well here is the update. I called yesterday afternoon to see if I could move my appointment to earlier in the day, and they realized that they had an appointment available for Saturday (today.)

My appointment was at noon. The pregnancy test came back positive, and let I them know that I would like to terminate by medication. I was asked for an emergency contact, so I asked for clarification as to whom I should put. I was told that I need to put someone who knows about the situation. But what if I don't have anyone like that? Well, you have to put someone down or else we can't see you. So I put a random friend who I trust to be there if needed, but I do not plan on telling her what is going on unless I absolutely must. It just made me sad to think that there are probably a lot of girls who *really* have no one to put.

I was approved for emergency Medicaid within minutes, and was surprised to find out that they wanted to mail me two Medicaid cards with my name and "unborn child" on them. I found that a little disturbing, I don't know if that was some kind of political concession to having Medicaid cover abortion in my state or what. They said that I was required to provide an address for Medicaid to mail those documents to, and thankfully when I couldn't they offered to have them mailed to the clinic where I can pick them up.

I was able to set an appointment for Monday at a location that's a bit longer of a commute, but it seemed worth it to speed things up. I had a lot of time while commuting today to see parents with young children, and truly reflect on what a child needs and how incapable I am of giving that right now. I am looking forward to Monday, to say the least.

[ 05-04-2013, 03:06 PM: Message edited by: LilyMidori ]

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Robin Lee
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Hi LilyMidori,

I'm really glad to hear they were able to see you today. it sounds like getting this process moving is giving you some peace of mind that having to wait a longer period of time wouldn't do.

I'm glad also to hear that the clinic was flexible in allowing for the Medicaid mailing to be sent to the clinic as I'm sure that's making things a lot easier and less stressful for you.

How are you doing with all of this?

--------------------
Robin

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LilyMidori
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I'm doing just fine, not too keen on having to sneak around though. It sucks to have to hold things in. For instance I've been so tired lately I haven't even had the energy to look for a job. Not that my fiance really minds, but I can tell it bothers him a little that I don't keep up with the house work either. I live in a 4th floor walk up so toting 15-20lbs + of laundry or groceries around the neighborhood and back is exhausting just to think about. I've been doing the old teenage hiding the laundry routine. I'm a health nut, I love to cook and I make a meal every night, but lately I've been cheating with things like grilled cheese and takeout. We also usually drive his sister/mother to visit with his disabled brother once a week, and we haven't been in almost three weeks. His brother is low functioning autistic.. imagine a 350 lb two year old always running and getting into things. I guess I'm beating myself up more than anything, I'm usually the strong one that everyone can count on. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my energy will come back ASAP.
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Robin Lee
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It really is okay for you not to be the strong one, though I'm concerned about the impact on you, both short-term and long-term, of having to keep this a secret.

You mentioned above that you just recently moved across country. How long ago was that. A move like that is a really serious life change, plus, having to contend with this pregnancy--well, it's not surprising to me that you feel worn out.

Instead of expecting yourself to bounce back and do everything you think is expected of you (plus that you want to do), what do you think of choosing one thing to start doing again and building back up from there? It can be really overwhelming when we expect ourselves to do everything at once.

--------------------
Robin

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LilyMidori
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I think that's a good idea. My move was about 3 and a half months ago. It hadn't occurred to me that that could be part of the reason why I'm feeling stretched too thin.

Today I was able to bring up the subject of having children, and my fiance was the first to point out that we are not ready to be parents. We talked about what goals we want to achieve first, and it felt really good to know that we are on the same page as far as that goes. We also had a productive day so I am feeling much better about myself.

The only long term impact I'm worried about is karma for having been dishonest. But I consider my intentions pure, and whatever comes of it will just have to be the price I pay for doing what I believe is right.

I have to admit I am nervous about the blood test tomorrow! Blood (other than menstrual) makes me dizzy/prickly hot/nauseous and my stomach is already sensitive right now. Here's hoping my body doesn't do anything embarrassing!

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Heather
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I hope things go well for you today.

You know, you don't have to commit to always keeping this to yourself, just so you know. If later on, you feel more able to be honest with your partner, and I'd say karma is less of an issue to be concerned with than the impact on you and your relationship -- and I hope that you do, as this is a kind of secret that tends to be pretty painful to keep, especially from a partner you're serious about -- you get to disclose later on. Just because you're keeping this to yourself now doesn't mean you always have to.

Thinking good thoughts for you today, and you're certainly welcome to pop back here as needed if you need continued support around this.

And when you have your follow-up for this, sounds like it'd be a good idea to talk about a reliable method of birth control with them, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LilyMidori
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Thanks Heather. I know you're right.

I had my appointment today and it was full of surprises. I started off with a sonogram (which I was told is the same thing as an ultrasound) and after a few minutes of awkward silence the nurse asked me when my last period was. For about the hundredth time I repeated that it was either the last week of March or first week of April, I wasn't sure. She informed me that we would need to do an internal ultrasound because she wasn't able to see the pregnancy. I asked her what that meant as far as the pregnancy and she said that it typically means that the fetus is less than 4 weeks. I said yes, I couldn't imagine how it could be more than that so it made sense.

I definitely wasn't expecting to be vaginally penetrated by anything today so it was kind of odd at first. I became more uncomfortable after a few minutes of probing what seemed like every little corner more than once, with no response. I was staring at the ceiling thinking gosh, if it's that small she must have dug it out by now! Finally I couldn't take the silence anymore and asked what was going on. The nurse said that she was trying really hard to make sure it wasn't "hiding" because she couldn't see the pregnancy. She asked me if I had had a pregnancy test, and I reminded her that I had had one on Saturday. She said okay, and sent me to the waiting room to wait for someone else to council me with my options.

After a wait, a nurse popped her head in and told me they were going to need a urine sample. I had just emptied my bladder before the ultrasound so I thought it seemed a little weird, but I gave them what I had. I was then brought into another room where it was explained that I could not proceed with the medical abortion if the fetus could not be seen. They had just done another pregnancy test which came back positive so the scenarios were, one, the pregnancy was just not far along to see yet. I was reminded that a pregnancy starts with two microscopic cells that multiply, so that was entirely likely. Two, I had already miscarried, which didn't seem likely since I didn't have any significant bleeding, just some light spotting. The third and least likely scenario is that I have an ectopic pregnancy, which could be a serious problem if left untreated.

I was given two options: to proceed with an aspiration abortion and just clean everything out to be on the safe side, or if I still insisted on the pill to start a series of blood tests monitoring pregnancy hormones. We talked about the pros and cons of both, but it really wasn't a question to me. I opted to go with the blood tests. I was told that if my hormone levels double between the first blood test and the second, that would indicate that there is a normal pregnancy growing, if they lessen, it would indicate a miscarriage, and if they grow but not double then we are probably looking at an ectopic pregnancy.

I was pretty disappointed. On the bright side, I was assured that I could be given oral medication to terminate at this point whether it was ectopic or not.

I was not excited about having blood drawn, but this time was a breeze. I was allowed to lay down and the nurses were very kind. I think they felt a bit sorry for me having to go through all of this. Even they seemed a little confused by it. I was given another appointment to come in on Wednesday for a second blood test. I should expect a call on Thursday with the results, at which point I can make an appointment to proceed.

I really don't want to have to come back multiple times but in a way I feel a sense of relief actually having a game plan. Even though the past two weeks has been a series of "wtf" moments, I feel like I've got modern technology and a lot of good, caring people on my side.

So it looks like it's back to ultra sensitive boobs, weird cramps and ravenous hunger every three hours. Crossing my fingers I don't develop morning sickness in the next week.

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Heather
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Yipes, I'm sorry to hear about some of that. I'm not sure I understand why they didn't just tell you to come back in a couple of weeks!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LilyMidori
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I suppose they figure there's no real reason to wait if I'm up for blood testing and the results can be counted on. I don't mind, I just hope they don't end up telling me to wait after all.

I had no idea a fetus could be too small to be picked up on an ultrasound. I did a little research and apparently that is common.

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Heather
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Only or less than four weeks in? Oh, absolutely. Even with a transvaginal, you really are early here, and I'd say it'd be more common than not to have ti be unable to be detected.

(Which is why I was perplexed they even bothered, rather than just telling you to come back in a week or two. But for sure, they may just have been trying to serve you today without you having to come back, which certainly would make sense.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LilyMidori
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Oh I see what you're saying. Both the ultrasound tech and the NP seemed genuinely confused, which is odd. The NP even performed a vaginal exam to check for abnormalities. I'm not sure if that is routine but she said that everything looks/feels fine.

It seems that in terms of termination you have a small window between overlooking the pregnancy and observing it too late. Especially with the medical, which I understand can only be performed up to 9 weeks. Combined with the fact that a tube conception needs to be caught before 7 or 8 weeks to not require surgery, pregnancy is no joke.

[ 05-06-2013, 07:02 PM: Message edited by: LilyMidori ]

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Heather
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Well no, of course it's not.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LilyMidori
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I had my second (well, third) visit yesterday. Before we went through with the second blood test, there was a different NP who explained that according to my blood test my hcg level was about 1000 on Monday. Being that a pregnancy should be visible at around 2000, she asked if I wanted to try to do another sonogram so that we could potentially move forward with the medication abortion. I agreed wholeheartedly.

We did another internal sonogram, and although it took a while and there was a lot of awkward pressure like the first one, I could immediately hear the nurse taking pictures which was a good sign. It turns out that the pregnancy was (barely) visible, so we could proceed with the procedure.

I was given another blood test and after what seemed like a lot of waiting and paperwork I was finally given the medication. Everyone was 100% patient, kind and informative and I am actually looking forward to future visits there. I can't say the same for Planned Parenthood in my home state at all. I never knew that I could feel cared for and respected in a clinic like I do in the ones here.

I was given the first medication at the clinic, and I started antibiotics last night. Today after 3:30 pm I am allowed to take the second medication, and I have a 24 hour window to do it. I'm not sure if I will take it tonight or tomorrow morning, but I haven't got anything major going on either of those times so I am free to choose. I'm really not afraid of the pain, I just want to run errands and clean my apartment first in case I'm too tired/nauseous to do it for a few days.

I thought I'd update as a form of sorting my thoughts and stress relief, even though the NP encouraged me to call them with any little question or worry no matter how small. I also thought this might be a useful reference for someone who is in a similar situation.

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Robin Lee
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I'm glad to hear the clinic staff have been so helpful, and encourage you to call them with anything. That's what they're there for. [Smile]

It also sounds reasonable that you'd want to give yourself time to get everything done you need to get done before taking the second medication, as you're not entirely sure how you'll be feeling.

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Robin

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LilyMidori
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I think it helped my mood a lot too. I cooked enough food for a couple of days and cleaned, and it's a good feeling to wake up to.

I took the misoprostol last night before bed after all of the recommended medications, as well as preparing myself with an 8 hour thermacare heating pad and a maxi pad for heavy flow with guards. I felt a peeing sensation once or twice during the night when the blood was coming out but for the most part I slept like a baby. I woke up in time to take another round of ibuprofen before the first round wore off, and change my pad.

Just woke up not too long ago and I feel a little groggy, and mildly crampy, but I think my body is just tired. I opted not to fill the narcotic prescription and haven't missed it at all. So far my experience has been good, but I would attribute that to being prepared.

I was told that the pregnancy should have passed between 4 and 8 hours after taking the misoprostol, and that from there I should be recovering steadily. It's been about 14 hours and I feel that that's true for me. I understand that everyone's experience will be different, but I read a lot of horror stories before hand that were so far off from what I'm experiencing I wonder if they weren't just made up to scare people.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Really, experiences with this simply range a whole lot.

Of course, we live in a world full of anti-choice misinformation and sentiment, so by all means, some of what you'll read about any kind of abortion may be false or misleading.

But there also is simply a wide range of experiences with abortion, so your experience so far being what it is and someone else's being radically different doesn't mean either isn't real.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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