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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » What's So Scary About Pregnancy?

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Author Topic: What's So Scary About Pregnancy?
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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In the interest of really helping those dealing with pregnancy scares get to the bottom of them, and also to feel empowered to start making choices they feel best support what they do and don't want, and are and are not ready for with pregnancy OR sex, I thought I'd try another round of these.

My experience is that it's easy to get stuck in a scare place, and in doing the same things that land you there over and over, if you are not talking about what REALLY scares you with an unintended pregnancy. Then you know what you really want and need, have a better sense of what you might want to discuss with partners first, or what conditions you need to feel okay about certain kinds of sex, and are more likely to take steps to really help you make choices that don't scare the holy hell out of you.

Our reasons won't all be the same, nor will they all be "Baby." (Especially since pregnancies don't have to end with babies in the first place if people don't want them to much of the time.)

I'll see if perhaps my getting us rolling with this might help:

It's been a little while since I was in a pregnancy scare, but for the times that I was, my big fears which made it so scary included things -- which range from very serious to, in hindsight, quite silly, but still -- like:
• What if I don't have enough money for an abortion?
• What if I can't get one, and have to stay pregnant, even if I do adoption, and stay horribly sick the whole time (I get extreme hyperemesis with pregnancies that did not ever seem to respond much to treatment)?
• What if I wind up parenting when that's not what I planned or wanted, and my kid, like I did, winds up always feeling like a terrible accident, or like they ruined their parents lives?
• How will I keep a roof over two heads when I am struggling so much to barely keep one over my own? I can barely afford to eat a meal or two a day as it is, how will I feed two people?
• What if I have to parent, and am the worst parent ever? What if I totally mess up some kid?
• Given what I do for my living, how much would it suck to use forms of contraception I work with people to have faith in, only to have had it failed for me?
• How will I arrange all the rest of my life AND a kid?
• If I choose to have a kid or do an adoption, how do I deal with the other person involved? Do I want to? How can I decide something so big so fast? What if they would be terrible for a kid?
• Knowing I am so not getting married to anyone, how much do I want to deal with people's judgments about my choosing to be a single parent?
• How much "I told you so" from a parent can I take? because I will probably NEVER hear the end of this. (Getting kicked out was not a fear around this because I already had been. If I hadn't I'm sure it would have been in the bunch.)
• What if I parent and become someone I can't stand who can't seem to understand or see anything clearly anymore because I cannot take my parent goggles off?
• Oh shit: does this mean I can't have casual sex anymore? Or that I have to find a way to afford a babysitter to do that?

Okay, that was me (and again, how you feel about any of those fears may vary, and you may not share all or even any of them).

So, what's your story? If you are terrified of pregnancy, why? And the big-stuff and the vapid-stuff why, not just "My parents will be mad," or "I don't want a baby." I'd encourage you to dig a bit deeper: it just might help you break the pregnancy scare cycle. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
juliedulie221
Activist
Member # 109699

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As for my pregnancy scare, I thought...
Oh shit, who the heck is the father?

Now that you and I have spoken, and determined that it's highly unlikely for it to be the guy I had protected sex with...here's what I came up with...(although it's not a pregnancy scare since I AM pregnant)

-Labor is a scary thing...
-dreading the discomfort of 3rd trimester
-Will I be a good mother? I'm a first time mom. Will I be able to discipline and control my child?
-Can I get a nursing job right away after having the baby? NY nursing jobs are scarce for new grads and be able to support my child?
-Would I be able to keep the relationship with the baby's father?

Boy, now that I'm actually focusing on REAL scares...there's probably more stuff I'm gonna freak out about...especially since this was unplanned...I had sex about maybe 3-4 days before my fertile day..according to an app...which may have been unreliable. And it was that one "screw it, it won't happen to us" type moment was what got me here! [Smile]

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MaddleyLove
Activist
Member # 102003

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i think for me...there was always a powerful feeling of guilt. when i wasnt worried about am i, arent i? i was feeling so low and sad and guilty for potentially bringing a child into this world when i didnt have a career or money to look after a baby, and i remember worrying and crying myself to sleep worrying i wouldnt love them enough, even though i would want to [Frown]

[ 05-26-2014, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: MaddleyLove ]

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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For me, what mostly causes me to go panic-y with my pregnancy scares is the fact that I have a chronic illness that can be exacerbated by pregnancy. I am worried that I won't notice early enough and have to deal with the effects of the illness on my body (and my life!), or worse that I will have to carry the pregnancy to term and risk being very ill the entire time.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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acb
Activist
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I haven't had a pregnancy scare in ages and then a really sex-savvy friend of mine accidentally got pregnant a few weeks ago which set me thinking about this again.

I think for me the fear is about:

-the fact it would make the relationship I'm in more serious than I think I'm ready for right now
-the affect that it would have on my and my partner's future careers/ lives
-the affect it would have on my identity as a woman; I've always really resisted the idea that 'mother' is my defining characteristic as a woman and to become a mother almost as soon as I've become an adult would really change the way I saw myself
-not being ready to parent yet AT ALL
-having to find new faith in contraception that I've always been a massive advocate for when it'd gone wrong for me
-my pitiful bank balance not being able to support a child
-childbirth being scary and painful

That said, the more I break down what I'm scared of, the easier it becomes to manage. It would be far from ideal for me to become pregnant right now but none of those are insurmountable issues if I were to become pregnant. [Smile]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Can I ask how many of you are assuming that pregnancy = baby and parenting? It seems like this is a common assumption here when people get scared about pregnancy, even though more times than not, people are in places where abortion or adoption are also options.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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