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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » I can´t enjoy sex because I´m always afraid it will end up in pregnancy.

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Author Topic: I can´t enjoy sex because I´m always afraid it will end up in pregnancy.
Elizabeth1988
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Hello, first of all I want to thank this wonderful site for being amazing.
Second, let me start by saying that since I was a little girl, my mother made me extremely terrified of sex and getting pregnant. sex was never linked to joy or pleasure; just pregnancy and physical pain.
I am 24 years old now and I only started having sex with my first ever boyfriend three weeks ago. He knows all about this and is very understanding and patient. I told him I wanted to take it slowly and go step by step.
Last month I was extremely nervous (over other issues I am having right now) and I got my period exactly 10 days earlier. This has happened to me before and the reason was always stress.
Right after my period was over, me and my boyfriend slept together. I wasn´t ready to have any kind of penetration (penis or fingers) s he just gave me oral (I enjoyed it very much) and then asked me if I could give him a handjob. I said yes. He laid down in his bed and I laid down next to him with my legs crossed. I masturbated him and he finished. We did this the exact same way three more times over the course of two nights.
In any moment our genitals touched each other and right after he finished (on his stomach)he cleaned himself with a tissue and then I washed my hands with a wet tissue too. I never felt cum near, let alone inside my vagina or vulva. He never fingered me and I never touched myself down there.

The thing is that I always get my period 3 or 4 days earlier, but today (march 10 at night) it didn´t come. I´ve been having all my pms symptoms, but I´m still worried I´m pregnant.
I am extremely obsessed with getting my period: I go to the bathroom every two minutes to check if it´s here, I can´t sleep at night and even my muscles are sore because I try to "push" my period out (crazy, I know).

Needless to say, I am terrified of having sex again. I feel I will never be able to enjoy it because I don´t want to get pregnant.

I can´t talk about this to anyone and I would really appreciate it if someone could explain things in a clear way to me because I´ve been reading on this subject on the internet all day long and I´m extremely confused.

Thank you.

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Heather
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Aw, you're welcome. Thanks for the lovely compliment.

It's awfully tough to shake off a sexual upbringing like that, and even to make progress on climbing out of those sorts of pervasive messages. I'm so sorry those are the ones you got. [Frown]

Do you mind letting me know how slowly you've taken things? In other words, how long did you give yourself to be with this person before you started engaging in the kind of sex that poses pregnancy risks? Or, have you not yet engaged in any kind of sex that poses pregnancy risks?

As well, when you say you can't enjoy sex, do you mean you are enjoying NONE of this, or only not enjoying certain kinds of sex?

Can I also ask what, if anything, you've done to try and unpack the way you were brought up in this regard? Such as, things you've been reading, any counseling, real time exploring sexuality all by yourself, resolving things with your mother, etc?

Are you also saying you don't understand how pregnancy can occur? I'm not sure if that's what you're asking for clarity with here or not.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Elizabeth1988
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Thank you so much for answering.
We have known each other for three months and we started getting intimate after three weeks of being oficially together. He is very patient and kind with me, so that makes me feel a little bit better.
So, basically, I have never been penetrated by anything (penis or fingers) and by anyone (him or anyone else). First, we started making out, then he slowly started feeling and touching my body, then we slept together naked (nothing happened that night), and then he gave me oral and I gave him a handjob (that´s all we ever did). He´s awa now because of work issues, so that was the last thing we did. I am not on birth control (I plan on doing that when I´m certain I´m going to have actual sex with him) and he didn´t use a condom because I don´t think it´s necessary for masturbation (I know he doesn´t have an std).

I enjoyed it very much while we were doing it, but now I fear I will never enjoy it or do it again because I don´t want to feel so worried and bad afterwards. So, I enjoy the physical part of it (meaning, I can have an orgasm) but afterwards, I feel terrible and worried and I don´t know if it´s worth it.

I have been going to a therapist for the past two years and she has helped me a lot with other issues I have (I used to have panic attacks and I would constantly think I had a deadly disease). We recently started talking about this whole sex subject, but it´s still very difficult for me to express my feelings, even to her.
When I was little, one of the things my mother did, was that she found me touching myself down there when I was around 9. She started crying and telling me it was bad and she made me promise I would never look down there again.
Only a year ago I started touching myself down there again (masturbating too)and looking with a mirror (something I was extremely afraid of doing). However, in the back of my mind, something makes me feel wrong when I do any of those things.

I understand how pregnancy can occur, but I have been so obsessed this past few days that I started reading all kinds of articles from all kinds of internet sites and now I´m confused.
I know you can get pregnant when a penis enters you and the guy comes inside you or around your vagina.
However, I also read stories about "pregnant virgins" and girls who said that got pregnant when their boyfriend ejaculated on them even if they had their underwear on.
I decided to have that kind of sex with my boyfriend (oral and handjob) because I thought it was the only thing that didn´t end up in pregnancy and now I feel very stupid because I was wrong.

Also, if I´m not pregnant, why is my period late? is it stress and nervousness again?

Thank you so much...

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Heather
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Do you feel like those three weeks were long enough? I ask because of how you're feeling now, because often that's actually pretty fast with a first-ever partner for people and because you walked into this, of course, carrying so much negativity and fear.

I'm so, so sorry to hear you were shamed like you were around masturbation. That, unfortunately, has happened to many children, and I've no doubt it is terrifying when it happens, and I also know work-wise it most certainly tends to leave a big mark on people sexually.

It really sounds to me like some of this might well be way too much too soon for you, per where you are with only just starting with masturbation -- but still not feeling okay about it -- and just starting to explore these issues in your therapy. What do you think about the timing with this for you?

Per the pregnancy stuff, I'd do yourself a solid and really control what and where you read. Just like, for instance, you probably wouldn't look up what to do for a very ill and beloved pet just anywhere, the same goes here. Do try and limit your reading to credible sites run by people who actually work in reproductive health, okay? Urban legends run amok on the 'net about all things, and pregnancy is certainly a biggie.

Here's an article for you to start with here about how pregnancy actually happens: Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

Why don't you read through it, then we can talk some more about that, or clear anything extra up as need be? I'm also happy to recommend some good books that you could use for sexual and reproductive health reference.

(And no, you're not wrong that oral sex and manual sex do not pose real pregnancy risks. They don't.)

Can I ask how you chart your periods? I ask that because SO often, people think periods are late when they're not, they're just charting incorrectly so they're not expecting them when they are actually likely to occur.

If you ARE charting correctly, there are a myriad of reasons periods can be late. You can check some of them out here: M.I.A or, Dude, Where's My Period?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elizabeth1988
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I feel comfortable with him, but I have to admit that you are right: it was too much too soon for me. I feel really stupid for being a 24 year old virgin, completely inexperienced girl. Most of my friends are in relationships or dating several guys, and I wanted to experience that too. He actually lives in another state and I´m not really sure about how our relationship is right now. We still talk, but it´s not the same as being together. Actually, one of the reasons why I didn´t feel ready to have actual sex was because I knew he was leaving soon. But everyone kept telling me that I should go out with him, that I should have sex with him, etc. I felt a bit of pressure from everyone around me. The truth is that I would really like to have sex with someone I´m sure is going to be with me for a long time. I would love to be like one of those modern-freedom loving women who can have sex without thinking or feeling anything, but I can´t. I actually tried not to become clingy with this guy because I knew that it was a difficult situation (because he lives away)but I still find myself waiting for him to call me and things like that....
I want to make it clear that he was wonderful, very sweet, didn´t pressure me to do anything, all I did was what I wanted to do or felt I had to do.
Now that I am writing this and I know he is far away, I feel like I will never meet anyone who will be patient enough with me, let alone be in a relationship with a girl who has this issues...

About my periods: I have always been very irregular, but most of the times I get it 4 or 5 days earlier. For example, I got on february 12 and now I´m worried because it´s march 10 and it´s still not here.
I always write down the date where I got it and then next month, four or five days before that date, I know I´m about to get it. However, it happened to me before that I got my period ealier and later because of stress. This tends to be a tricky subject for me so my mind plays a big role.

I am going to check the links you gave me and if I need to know something I will difinetely be asking the questions nowhere but here.

Thank you so much. This site is really amazing, it is really necessary for girls like me who can´t ask this questions to a close relative. Thank you so, so much, you should all be really proud!

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Heather
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I don't think that being ready -- or not ready -- for any kind of sex with someone else is about people being stupid.

We are all going to have different paces that are right or wrong for us, just like we're all going to have sexual opportunities and situations that are.

Is sexual debut at 24 later than it is for most people? Sure, but not by much, and there are still PLENTY of people around your same age who are just entering into their sexual lives with others, I promise you. We hear from plenty of them here, if that helps to know.

But you know, even if it was ONLY you this was too fast for right now, that is ALL that would matter. This is YOUR sexual life, so the person it has to be right for? It's you: not anyone or everyone else, you know?

I also want to add that this idea of the "modern-freedom loving women who can have sex without thinking or feeling anything" is basically a myth. For men, too. No one has sex without thinking or feeling anything (including in casual sexual contexts), and if we could, it would be dreadfully boring. It's all about thinking and feeling and experiencing, after all: that's what makes it fun and interesting in the first place.

So, how about ditching urban legends of all stripes, and ideas about everyone else -- most of which probably aren't realistic anyway -- and you and I agree that in our talks and your moving forward with this on your own, you focus on who YOU are, and what YOU want, and what is and isn't right for you?

So, with your period, how many days long are your cycles typically? (In case that's unclear, a cycle is from day one of one period to day one of the next one.)

And you're so welcome. I'm guessing we're probably in for a bunch of conversation over some time, if that's what you want, so know that I'm happy to do that with and for you. [Smile]

[ 03-10-2013, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Just FYI, I'm heading off from work for the night shortly, but I'll be back tomorrow morning if you want to keep talking.

And if you want, tomorrow I'd also be happy to build you a starting reading list here on the site of pieces I think might be good ones for you with all of this.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elizabeth1988
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Ok, thank you so much! Hopefully we can continue talking tomorrow!
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Heather
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Sure thing. [Smile] And feel free to leave me any thoughts or questions you might have later tonight if you want to give me more to respond to in the morning.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elizabeth1988
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Ok, one of the things that I really can´t understand is how to know how many days my cycle has. For example, last month, I got it on february 12 (in january, I got it on the 20th). Usually my period lasts for 6 days.
I really don´t understand when I´m supposed to expect my period, when it´s normal to get it and how to know how many days my cycle has.
I have always been very irregular. I mean, I get my periods every month (I only skipped it once like two years ago, it came back the next month and I never thought anything of it) but I never know the exact day when they are supposed to come. I know it´s somewhere between 5 to 3 days before the date from the other month, but sometimes it arrives a bit late and I don´t know what to think of it. Before, I used to think I had a deadly disease, now that I had sex with my boyfriend, I think it´s pregnancy.

Thank you and I hope to hear from you tomorrow (if you can, of course)

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Heather
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Heading out now, but seems like a big part of the problem might not be charting correctly (in fact, it may turn out you're not irregular at all). Here are two links for you to look at and get filled in with! [Smile]

• http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/my_period_is_late_or_is_it
• http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2009/09/17/its_smart_to_chart

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Don't know what your schedule is like today, but just thought I should let you know I'm around. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elizabeth1988
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Hi! I just came back home from the hospital. Actually, one of the things that was making me extremely nervous was my father´s health. He had a heart attack last year and last month he had to take some tests and it seemed like something was wrong again with his heart. But this morning, the doctor told us that there is nothing wrong and everything is good, including his heart, so, I´m very happy right now!
Anyway, I woke up this morning ready to find out my period was here, but it´s not...

I actually wanted to ask you something:

I always have symptoms when I´m ovulating (pain on one side, a stabbing kind of pain, and I can tell by the discharge). Last month, I felt nothing. I didn´t really pay attention to that, but now that my period is late, I started thinking that maybe it has something to do with it.
Actually, the three weeks after my period ended (on February 17 until now)were terrible for me: this guy I met left to go work in another country so I got really depressed and sad; the doctors told us that there was something wrong with my father´s heart (that is solved now) and a couple more things that made me extremely nervous.

Do you think this has something to do with the fact that my period still isn´t here?

Also, yesterday I couldn´t fall asleep so I started thinking that maybe some of his cum got into the bed (it would have to be an accident because he came on his stomach and he cleaned it right afterward) and then I sat down and got pregnant that way. Is that not possible? Although, I don´t remember that happening...

Thank you!

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Heather
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Oh, I'm so glad to hear that news about your father. Having a loved family member with big health problems can be so hard and so stressful, for sure.

By all means, we won't always ovulate, even when we're of reproductive age. So, it certainly is possible to miss ovulation sometimes, and when and if that happens, it does often tend to result in missed periods or late periods. Of course, so often does stress, or rather, the impact stress can have on our bodies and changes in our behaviours.

In terms of what you're asking about how pregnancy happened, hopefully you noticed in that piece I gave you that pregnancy is something that occurs only due to DIRECT contact: direct genital contact and/or direct contact with ejaculate when it is being ejaculated, not later.

So, people can't become pregnant just by sitting in places where someone has previously ejaculated: it just doesn't work that way.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elizabeth1988
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Ok, I read the article and it was very clear, it´s just that I´m worried so I get a bit repetitive lol

I also remembered today that the only other time that my period was late was when I was 19 and I had to take some antidepressants. I took them for 2 weeks and my period got extremely messed up.

During the two weeks after my period ended last month, I had to take some pills (that contain loratadine)because I had a throat infection due to allergies. I read online about other girls that went through the same after taking those pills, their periods got messed up.... so maybe this has something to do with it.

Anyway, I´m going to stop worrying about being pregnant, because, as you very well said, it is impossible to get pregnant with what I did.

Thank you so much for answering all my questions and for being very, very kind!

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Heather
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Well, I think that this is also one of those things where the worries are probably not going to be countered well by facts and logic if the real source of the worries isn't about a lack of facts and logic so much as being about feelings -- your fears -- and situations -- like moving too fast and feeling like it's not okay for you to go at a pace that's really right for you -- and things like shame and fear from an upbringing. Know what I mean?

And I'm happy to talk with you more about any or all of those things so you can make some more progress with what I think will probably ultimately do a batter job at helping you with the pregnancy fears, and the bigger stuff under them that's probably making you feel crappy in a bunch of ways.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Elizabeth1988
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Hello! I just wanted to tell you that I got my beloved period this wonderful morning!

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for explaining everything to me so clearly and with so much patience.

Thank you and see you!

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Robin Lee
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I'm glad to hear you're feeling so relieved.

Would you like to take some time to talk about your worries around sex, taking things too fast, etc?

--------------------
Robin

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Elizabeth1988
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Well, I am a bit worried about two things:

1)I can´t go through this psycho behaviour every time I have sex. I have been obsessed this past few weeks with being pregnant until today that I got my period. I see women who have sex all the time and I don´t see them worried about being pregnant...

2) I don´t really want to use birth control. I know a lot of girls (including friends and my own mother) who had bad side effects because of the pill. I don´t feel ok taking something that isn´t natural and affects the way my body works. However, I think that my thoughts on this subject are based on not knowing much about it. Is it true that it has side effects? If I don´t take the pill, do I have more chances of getting pregnant even if the guy uses a condom?


And about taking things too fast... well, I do feel I want to start having sex, I just want to do it when I´m certain I´m not going to get pregnant or get an std.

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Robin Lee
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Well, in regards to number one, I'd say that if you feel panicky after every time you engage in sexual activity that could lead to pregnancy, that's a pretty good sign that it's just not the right activity for you right now. That doesn't say anything negative about you. There aren't, or shouldn't be, any "shoulds" around sex, when someone engages in sexual activities, whether they decide to again, which activities they engage in, etc.

I don't know which women you're talking about who aren't worried about pregnancy. Are these people you know, or just women in general? There's no one answer to how people engage in sexual activity that could lead to pregnancy without worrying. For some, it's going to be that they find the benefits of sex outweigh the level of worry they have. For others, it's going to be that they feel comfortable with the birth control they use, and are ready to deal with it if that birth control doesn't work. For others, they're going to feel worried, but are going to push that worry so far down that they don't express it out loud because they think they're supposed to be having sex, that they're not supposed to worry, etc...

You know, you can engage in sexual activity without pregnancy risks and with minimal risks of STI (sexually transmitted infection) transmission. Intercourse is not the only kind of sexual activity there is, and isn't what people are necessarily "supposed" to be doing if they are sexually active. You can choose what sexual activities you're interested in and choose to do, at any time.

Regarding birth control: There are many options besides the pill. Here's some information about the whole range of options out there, including their effectiveness rates.

How about you have a look through this, and if you have questions about specific methods we can talk about those.

Birth Control Bingo!

Again, I'm sort of getting the impression (and I could be wrong) that you think you're supposed to have intercourse as part of being a sexually active person. I'm going to give you some reading material with a different perspective on that.

Yield for Pleasure

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

--------------------
Robin

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