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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » I don't know what to do (Page 1)

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Author Topic: I don't know what to do
Cup_Cake
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I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby, I was never sure about the baby but my boyfriend convinced me it would alright and to keep it, I just found out my boyfriends been cheating on me and he says he doesn't want to be with me. I moved away for him and kept a baby I didn't know if I wanted, now I don't know what to do any more :'(

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Onionpie
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Hi Cup_cake, welcome to scarleteen. I'm so sorry that you're in this position, I understand how upset and confused you might be feeling right now.

You are welcome to talk things through here with us, but I also think it might be good to get some more immediate and local support, so I've found some support services that will be able to help you -- you can just talk things out with them, but you can also ask them for recommendations/referrals to additional resources that would be able to help you out in this tough situation you've been put in.

Samaritans
08457 90 90 90 (UK)
1850 60 90 90 (ROI)
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

Please Talk
http://pleasetalk.ie/

[ 09-22-2012, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Cup_Cake
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Hi onionpie. Thanks for replying. I volunteer with the Samaritans on the switch boards. So I'll feel a bit weird calling them for help. I thinks I'll probably go back home and be with my family, they will be support.

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Do the cupcake dance

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Heather
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Hey, cupcake. If you want someone to talk through your options with, I'd be happy to do that with you.

Obviously at this point, those options are parenting or adoption.

I'm so sorry you were put in this position. [Frown]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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Hi heather. I've been thinking about adoption a lot but I'm unsure if it's right I could give her everything she needed a home, be finically stable, love. But my own selfish reason for thinking about adoption is I don't know if I can be a mother.

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Heather
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One thing I always like to remind anyone making reproductive choices of is that it's not only okay to be selfish, it's important to be. In other words, these are big choices, and they are about someone else -- a kid -- but they also are about yourself. And if and when we don't think about what we want and need, don't want and don't need, are and are not capable of, we can't serve that kid or maybe-kid very well. Too, mothers -- be they actively parenting or birth mothers -- aren't non-people once a kid comes into the picture. You matter here, too.

So, maybe we should start by trying to help you identify what you want, ideally, rather than what you could or couldn't do?

In other words, to kind of start at ground zero: do you want to parent someone for the next 18+ years right now?

[ 09-23-2012, 12:45 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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Honestly right now no I don't

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Heather
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Okay.

So, would you like to look into adoption?

One of the things that's a good thing about the adoption process is that a person can make a birth/parenting plan AND an adoption plan concurrently.

In other words, an adoption arrangement should always have a legal window to change your mind at any point before a birth and shortly thereafter. So, you could make a plan for adoption AND one for parenting, and then make up your mind as you go, choosing either at any point up to or just after a birth.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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Yeah I think I would like to look into adoption. Would it cause a problem if I wanted to go through th adoption but the further didn't?

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Heather
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Anymore, adoption is built that way with the understanding that birth mothers sometimes do and should be able to change their minds. For sure, that can be tough on adoptive families, but really, they're not the most vulnerable person involved in an adoption, so that room left for birth mothers to change their minds is so, so important.

It sounds to me like it might be best for you to just talk to an agency or two now so you can have all the information you need to even just start considering this. That way, you have plenty of time, can work through some of your gut feelings about it without any misinformation about it, etc.

Does that sound good? If so, do you know where to go? If not, I'd be happy to help you find the right folks to talk with. But I'd say that a very good place to start online on top of working with us, is this site: http://http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

Their page on adoption is here: http://www.positiveoptions.ie/about_adoption/ It's very, very basic information, but a text to them could likely get you connected with the right agency to talk with, and you can be sure that organization won't connect you with anyone creepy.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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I read the little info bit on it and its not so black and white as I thought and it doesn't sound as scary. I'd like to maybe talk to a agency but I have no idea where to go.

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Heather
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Okay. I don't know about you, but I feel like when making big decisions, it's really important I have all the information I can about my choices and that I'm sure that information is current and correct.

Want some help?

If so, mind giving me an idea of what area you're in?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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Yes please help would be greet. Currently I'm in limerick Ireland.

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Heather
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Okay. let me do some poking around for you today and I'll come back with some options when I've got them. [Smile]

In the meantime, how are you doing in terms of emotional support with all of this?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just to start with, by the by, here's the contact info for Health Services adoption services in Limerick: Adoption Service, HSE West, Parkbeg House, 2, Elm Drive, Caherdavin Lawn, Limerick

Tel: 061 206820 / 206841

What I'd suggest is simply calling them, and asking if you can meet with someone who can tell you all about your possible options as a birth parent when it comes to adoption.

[ 09-23-2012, 02:40 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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Oh thank you I'll call them first thing in the morning. I've told my sister what's been going on. I haven't really told any one else yet. I'm just trying to past all the stuff with my boyfriend it's not about him any more.

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Heather
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You're handling two really hard things at once: a pregnancy and a breakup, one in the middle of a pregnancy no less, a pregnancy it sounds like you chose to sustain either with the understanding your boyfriend would stick around, or which you did only or mostly because he convinced you to.

That is tough, tough, tough stuff.

No one in that spot could also be expected to somehow process all of that at once, either.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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He's a total arse the baby wasn't planned and he knew at first I didn't want to go through with it and then wasn't sure. He said everything was going to work out. I trusted him now I'm the fool. He keeps bugging me as well he doesn't understand im sick leave me alone.

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Heather
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Do you need help setting firm limits when it comes to having him out of your life (which is appears he elected to leave in the first place)?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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I don't even know how to set limits when it comes to him. So yes please help would be good

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Heather
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Starting with the painfully obvious: "Don't call me or otherwise contact me anymore." Have you tried that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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I have tried that he just tells me not to be cray he still wants to know what's going on with the baby.

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Heather
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So, he doesn't get to have that information anymore, and you get to hold him to that.

And since he's opted out the way that he has, I'd strongly suggest that you do hold him to that.

If telling him not to contact you has not worked, how about not answering the phone or changing your number?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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I am gonna hold him to it ha. I think I might change my number. I have really bad sickness at the minute so I don't really want to leave the house. I'll just go about ignoring him.

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Heather
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Yep. If you hold your own lines, there's not much room for him to try and stampede past them.

And, of course, if he continues to cross them when you make them very clear, you do have legal options to compel him to leave you alone.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Also, if he's coming to your house? Do you live alone? If you don't, then you can make sure everyone you live with understands that they are all to clearly ask him to leave and not come back.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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He came to th house today and yeah I live alone. But my neighbour told him to leave. Which was helpful

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Heather
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Great on your neighbor. Maybe give them a special thank you, and give that neighbor and any others you know the heads-up that you have asked him to leave you alone?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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I will thank my neighbour I was really thankful. I've only got a couple of neighbours who will help out but the ones who will I'll tell them. I am so pissed st him ha.

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Heather
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No ha about it: you have every right to be very angry and hurt.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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By the by, just in case, I'd document, as much as you can -- emails, calls, etc. -- his opting OUT of being part of this with you, the whole history of this.

That's just so you have it in the case you have to deal with any custody issues later or objections on his part to adoption, should you choose that route.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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Feel really stupid for trusting him and stuff, I've kept all the call history and texts my neighbour had already said about keeping them. To show the police if he keeps bothering me

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Heather
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Good job.

You know, I don't think there's anything stupid about situations like this. I'm going to assume you thought this person was someone you could trust for a reason, and it also sounds like they certainly gave you that impression.

Alas, so much in life is "Well, now I know for next time." Often enough, we all learn things the hard way.

So, you might have some "for next times" here, like maybe always using two methods of birth control, including condoms, leading your reproductive choices with what you want and know is right for you, not with what someone else wants, maybe taking things slower, who knows. But I'm sure none of this is about you being stupid, even if some of it is about knowing now things you didn't know or think about before.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cup_Cake
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I was with him for four years there was no reason why I wouldn't trust him, it's sad. I will definitely learn for next time.

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Heather
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See? Not stupid.

We can be as smart as we want to be, but that doesn't control other people, nor can it assure people will treat us well.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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