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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Pregnant Girlfriend (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Pregnant Girlfriend
LostIntranslation
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Okay, so.
My girlfriend is pregnant, and is keeping the baby, which is okay, who am I to force any other decision on to her.
But for the last couple of weeks all I’ve been doing is looking after her, which I love her and I wouldn’t do any thing less ... But I don’t know I have a lot going on in my life right now.. I mean a lot and I’m just finding it difficult.
I feel occasionally like my head is going to explode, or I’m going to lose my temper.. and I’m not really keen on either of those things happening, life is just not cutting me a break.
I really want to be supportive of my girlfriend, I understand that this isn’t going to be easy.. But how can I be supportive of someone who I’m finding it more and more difficult to get along with.
I don’t know. I don’t mean to vent, my brother told me to try this out. So yeah.

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D

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Robin Lee
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HI LostIntranslation and welcome to Scarleteen,

It sounds like this pregnancy was unexpected, though please set me straight if I have that wrong.

You and your girlfriend are both facing a lot of changes in your lives. Your girlfriend, toop, is experiencing all kinds of changes to her body right now. None of that is easy.

Have you and your girlfriend sat down to talk with each other about how you feel about everything? It's likely that she's feeling a lot of stress and frustration just as you are.

I imagine too that you're both thinking about and stressing about the future, which is also something you need to talk about. Starting with a discussion about how you're feeling right now and what's going on right now is a good place to start though.

What do you think?

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Robin

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LostIntranslation
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Hello, and thanks
This pregnancy was far from planned.. Way of the other side of the scale. 
She talks and I listen. Its kind of the theme of how things are at the minute.  
I leave work early, I drop whatever I'm doing to be there, I even get up in the middle of the night if she needs me to.. But it's like if I say to her I just need some space... She jumps down my throat and makes out as I'm in the wrong. 
I don't know I can try and talk to her again but it feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall sometimes.

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D

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Robin Lee
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HI There,

When is your girlfriend expected to give birth?

It sounds like she's feeling pretty vulnerable and needy right now. It also sounds like you're not happy with the way things are.

As I think you know, the two of you have a lot of work ahead of you. This means, frankly, that it's pretty darn important for you to get your frustrations and disagreements sorted out as soon as possible.

I'm not sure what your respective living arrangements are right now. Is it possible for the two of you to have some un ninrrupted time alone to talk? Sometimes it can help to talk over a meal, something that is a little distracting but doesn't take up anyone attention so you can still focus on each other.

It's also helpful when talking to use "I" statements, such as "I feel frustrated when i have to leave work early." Generally, a listener responds more favourably to statements like this, more favourably than to statements such as "You make me so mad!".

I'm also wondering if your girlfriend has friends and family she can call on some of the time, so that you're not the only one supporting her.

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Robin

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LostIntranslation
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She's due mid December.

Yeah sure. She basically lives in her own house so when I'm there it's just the two of us. It's pretty difficult to get her to come outside the house at the minute. 

I see what your saying about the "I statement" thing, it's less likely to start to a argument, 

I don't really know why but she's become really distant from other people at the minute. And has just pushed people away. So I don't really know what's going on there. 

Like I feel really bad and wrong to say stuff like I feel really smothered and trapped and like I can't breathe any more. It feels really selfish.. I don't know I guess like I haven't really told any body so to hear it.. Or see it come from me is a bit
Weird
Sorry venting

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D

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Robin Lee
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HI LostIntranslation,

I'm sorry for the long silence.

You know, you're entitled to your feelings and needs to. Your girlfriend is going through a lot of physical and emotional changes, and it's pretty important for the two of you to work out how having a child together is going to work with your relationship. That entails patience and respect on your part, but also on hers.

You know, talking to her and expressing concern about how you have noticed her drawing away from people could be a great way to start a conversation about what you both need from each other right now.

What do you think?

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Robin

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LostIntranslation
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I can't be in a relationship with her, I honestly can't, I'll continue to support her the best I can. I just think the relationship is destructive, 
 
Thank you for talking to me. And I'm sorry if I wasted your time.

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D

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moonlight bouncing off water
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You haven't wasted anyone's time and we're still happy to talk.

By not being in a relationship with her do you mean simply cutting off romantic and sexual ties or do you mean cutting off all contact with her and with the baby if she does indeed have this child? I ask because the two are profoundly different things and because it is possible to not be "together" in a relationship sense, and to still co-parent should this be what you two choose to do.

I think that no matter what you choose, it is important to know what you want and to discuss this with her.

We are still happy to talk, that's what we're here for [Smile] .

[ 07-02-2012, 02:43 PM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]

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~moonlight

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LostIntranslation
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Not gonna be  romantically involved with her, or sleep with her. 
I wouldn't wanna lose contact with the baby... It's not the kid I have the issues with. 
I will talk to her.. She's pretty busy dragging me through the mud at the minute.

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D

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Would you like to talk about what you want to get out of the conversation with her?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Redskies
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Hi, LostInTranslation.

I imagine that this is extremely hard right now for both you and her - breakups tend to be hard anyway, but when there's a child, or a future child, involved, it tends to get that much harder. As the person carrying the child and the person being broken up with, she's likely to be pretty scared and confused, and you might need to just bear with her a bit while she processes things.

You can make it very clear that you intend to be supportive of her as the other parent (and person carrying the pregnancy, at that) of your child, and a parent to your child yourself if that's what she still intends to do, so she isn't going to be alone and abandoned.

As hard as this is right now, if you feel that it really isn't right for the two of you to be in a relationship or that you can't be in a relationship with her, then it isn't wrong to end the relationship. We can't stay with someone because we think we should, and if we did, it would only likely end in everyone being even more unhappy, and not a good environment for a child.

It's totally possible for a person to be an involved and supportive co-parent while not being in a relationship with the other parent, but it may take a while for her to adjust and come to terms with this, and that would be totally understandable. This is just one of those situations that nobody wants to be in, on any side of it. Try to be as calm and supportive as possible, and know that we're never beholden to be in a relationship with someone else. Remember too that in a situation like this, it's probably not possible for this to go "well", that it's pretty inevitable that this part will be tough and upsetting for everybody, and just do your best.

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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LostIntranslation
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Hi er again. 

We decided not to have the baby. 
Timing and everything that was going on. It just wasn't good, 

Like I said thanks for talking to me, I appreciated it.

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D

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Heather
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If you need to talk more about the choices the two of you made -- or need any help and support with obtaining or emotionally processing a termination -- please just let us know.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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Thanks, 
I don't really know how I feel to be honest. Selfish I guess. But like I'll be fine. But still thank you

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D

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moonlight bouncing off water
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However you're feeling is completely valid, but know that you don't have to feel selfish for supporting (or not) your girlfriend's choice to terminate her pregnancy.

Any choice with regards to an unwanted pregnancy is often very difficult to make. I would be shocked if someone said that their decission wasn't.


We're always here to talk, and we can link you to some info if you'd like. (There's a link to an article about abortion on the Scarleteen homepage that you may find helpful).

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~moonlight

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Heather
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You know, our selves are people we always do and need to take into account with reproductive choices.

"Selfish" is a word loaded with negative connotations, but if with that word we mean considering ourselves, I'd say choices that can and usually do impact our whole lives are those where selfishness needs to be part of the picture.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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I just feel nasty. Like I let her down, i
Know  deep down not having the baby is the right decision. And I know not being together is the right thing, we would of destroyed each other. But I just feel like I've pulled the rug out from underneath her, and she won't let me help her, but she'll still check in on me which makes me feel more selfish, I'm rambling

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D

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Heather
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I assume that choosing to terminate is also a choice SHE is making?

And that you have made clear you are available for support if she needs it from you, but it's just not something she's seeking out right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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Yeah, she said it was what she wanted. 
And I told her if she needs me any time I'll be there. 
But she just Changes the subject.

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D

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Heather
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Well, it might be that she wants to process this on her own, first or period. Obviously there are parts of this that impact you, and are about you, but as she's the one who was pregnant, she's going to have stuff around this that isn't about you, and that you might not be able to get.

If you're splitting up, that might also be part of her wanting to handle this more on her own.

But really, if you have made yourself available if she DOES want your support, you've done what you can do here for her right now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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I hope so, I just feel bad.

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D

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Heather
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How can we help you with that? [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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I don't really know.
I erm.. I have depression and was/am a self harm. I just think it's a trigger point. I'll be fine. And i didn't really want to share it cause it's like irrelevant but I just did. I just think its tripped it... Which is probably why I'm moaning which is a bit rude and I'm sorry.

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D

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Heather
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Nothing rude here, it's all okay.

And by all means, this is all Really Big Stuff. It's bound to trigger big feelings, rough feelings, in a lot of people. And if you're inclined to depression and self-harm, I'd suspect this will be a pretty challenging time for you.

If you need to talk any more of this out, we're happy to listen.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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i've just made someone else miserable. Like seriously unhappy. And like it just makes me feel more selfish to feel like I want to cut and add more pressure into the situation.
To say I want to cut is wrong, cause I don't want to cut. Its like a fight with myself Logical part of me says don't do it, but the other part of me says do. Like I cant sit still cause I know I'll do it so I pace constantly to take my mind of it. And I don't really want to turn round to my mum and say 3 years without doing it I messed it up months ago and started all over again. It disappointed so many people. I just feel selfish

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D

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Heather
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I don't think it's sound for you to take all of the responsibility for this unless you coerced or forced sex or unprotected sex unto this person (in which case I think it would be sound to take full responsibility).

Rather, it sounds like a situation -- the pregnancy and a relationship simply going sour, which happens all the time among caring, kind people -- that had to do with both of you, including some things that were outside your control, has been hard and painful for both of you.

In terms of your own self-harm, I think it's best to make that about you, not others. How you're coping with it and recovering is your process, and not about pleasing or displeasing others. You probably already know that to change with that, it really has to be about you, not other people.

People in pain feel and express that pain in different ways, and very few of us will always do so in healthy, constructive ways. We're all only human, after all. We're not superpeople.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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I guess I haven't really thought that it wasn't solely  my fault. I just blamed myself and she blamed me to a baby was never something that came into the equation. I never thought to look at it differently.

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D

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Heather
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Like I said, unless you sexually abused or assaulted someone, or reproductively coerced them into NOT using contraception, you can be certain this cannot possibly be your sole responsibility.

I'm sorry that your ex, it sounds, put all of that responsibility on you, but please know that if and when someone assigns us full responsibility for something, that doesn't mean they are correct in that assessment.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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She put a lot on me. She blamed me for many things to be honest, I'd just accept it. I loved her. If it made her feel better to blame me then so be it. I didn't mind. 
It doesn't help with depression that she blames me for this. Even if it isn't true that its not my solely fault it sucks she pushes the blame on to me. And is restless with it,

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D

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Heather
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Well, and it won't help her either. In other words, it doesn't help us to hold other people responsible for things where we share responsibility. It's hurtful to them, and it also holds us back from growth.

Hopefully, moving forward, you can start to recognize what you were actually responsible for, what you shared responsibility for, what she was responsible for, but also what things may have been out of either of your control.

And if she's still blaming, then it may be best for both of you to take a break from talking at all for a bit. Your self-care and well-being matters here just like hers, and interactions that don't support that for you both are going to be most sound to change or limit, FOR both of you, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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Yeah. I barely talk to her at the minute as it stands.

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D

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LostIntranslation
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I don’t mean to vent and be a pain, I haven’t really got any one else to talk to.
I just feel really down. I can’t concentrate and I don’t really want to be around people. All I think about is the freaking pregnancy… seriously all the time even if I’m asleep I dream about it, Am I meant to. I feel like I’m being harassed by my own thoughts.
My ex has like just switched from not wanting me there at all, to not leaving me alone. But not even asking me to help her. Hounding me to get help if I need it or to talk to her, Firstly it’s like it’s not about me. It’s about you. She shouldn’t be “Helping me” when I’m fine.
I don’t know. I’m just ranting and I shouldn’t it’s rude. Sorry

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D

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Robin Lee
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HI There,

There's nothing rude about this. You're struggling with some really big concerns that you need to be able to share with someone. Thoughts and feelings aren't always pretty, and there's nothing that you've written here that is objectionable.

What do you need from your interactions with her in order to start feeling okay about this? IN other words, it sounds like she's calling the shots in terms of how much communication the two of you have, and I'm wondering what how much communication and contact *you* want or need to have right now.

You mentioned above that the two of you had decided that she would terminate the pregnancy. Is that still happening?

What do you thinkis is making you think about the pregnancy so much?

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Robin

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LostIntranslation
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With her none. I don't really want to talk to her at all, but I can't really do that, to drop her and leave her to deal with everything on her own isn't okay. 
Yeah still having an abortion.

I don't know, to be honest. I guess I kind of feel like if our relationship had worked out. Then abortion would of never come into it. It just makes me feel guilty as. My failed relationship has impacted other people. And other beings. I don't know. I think it's the maybes ifs and buts that's weighing me down

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D

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WesLuck
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I don't know if they will help you, but they were very interesting and useful to me. A very thought-provoking and interesting couple of books from Shirley MacLaine include "Sage-ing While Age-ing" and "I'm Over All That - And Other Confessions". They deal with life, and love, and everything in between. The first book would likely be available in libraries now. The second book, since it is from 2011, might not be, but you could give the first one a try, it might be something that will help you out a bit. [Smile] Anyway, worth a try!

You are doing a great job in a tough situation. You deserve to have gentle treatment, from yourself and others. My best wishes! [Smile]

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