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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Participated in sexual activity for the first time last night? (Page 1)

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Samantha764
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I used to go to Yahoo Answers all the time, but someone referred me to this site, so here I am! [Smile]
We never had actual intercourse. My bf just got off work and I picked him up at work, and we were in the car and I hadn't seen him in 6 weeks because he was on a trip to India and just came back yesterday. He fingered me once inside my leggings in the car but I took note that he did NOT touch his pe*nis BEFORE touching me (his jeans did not come off before fingering me). Once his jeans came down, his hand never went inside my leggings again and my leggings and underwear stayed on the entire time. He finished in my mouth when I gave him head in the car and at this time, again, all my clothes were on. However, a little bit got onto the bottom of my hair at around 9pm. I came home and went straight to hand sanitize and wash my hands 3 times before doing anything else, even changing or peeing. I didn't pee/take off my underwear until 6 hrs later when I went to the bathroom at 3am. Is there any way the eja*cul*ate in my hair could've dropped down onto me down there when I went pee and took my pjs off? I'm new to this [Frown] I'm only 18, and it scares me. I read your article on determining whether or not our activity poses a pregnancy risk, which is why I'm asking this question.. could any possible ejaculation on the tips of my hair drip onto my vagina when i went to the washroom at 3am or when I came home and changed? Would that be considered "direct-genital-to-semen" contact? Please help [Frown]

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If you read our article on assessing pregnancy risks, you'll know that it is direct genital-to-genital that can pose a pregnancy risk. Since at least one of you was fully dressed the entire time, there is no pregnancy risk from the situation you describe.

And anything that happened after you got home is a moot point, anyway, as any ejaculate you might have had in your hair or your hands would have dried by then.

Have you seen this article yet? It may also help you understand what is and isn't a risk:
Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

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-joey
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Samantha764
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Hi Joey,

What do you mean by a "moot point"??

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Samantha764
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You're sure any on my hair would've been dried by then? It only took me less than 10 minutes to get home. I'm sorry, I'm just very anxious about it. It's the first time I've ever done this stuff, and I don't want to annoy my bf by telling him my concerns about it (hence my turning to the internet). There is no risk?
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I mean that there is no point in discussing the risk factor of anything that happened after you went back home, as by then too much time would have passed for any ejaculate on you to still be viable.

Did you read the article I linked you to? That should clarify what I am saying.

I also do think that it would be a good idea to discuss your concerns with your boyfriend. After all, you are engaging in these activities together, and it is important that you both feel comfortable and safe.

How do you feel about the sexual activities that you engaged in last night? Was it something that you wanted, as well? Did you and your partner communicate about what you are and aren't ready for? Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries with him?

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-joey
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Samantha764
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One of your articles state that "direct-genital-to-semen" contact poses a pregnancy risk. Hypothetically speaking, if any semen containing sperm did drop onto my vaginal area while changing/urinating, is that considered direct genital to semen contact? Or is that only when he directly ejaculates on my vagina without making any stops on my hair or fingers per se? I'm a bit confused by what you guys mean by that.
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For there to be a risk, there has to be direct contact between ejaculate and the vulva. So unless your partner ejaculated in or on your vulva, you do not have a pregnancy risk.

A good thing to remember is that, anytime you have to map out a route with several stops that sperm could have possibly taken, you do not need to worry. Sperm are very, very delicate critters and they do not survive very long outside of the body.

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-joey
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Samantha764
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After fooling around Sunday night with my bf (3 days ago), I haven't seen him. Right after I left him that night, I hand sanitized and washed my hands 2-3 times with hot water and soap. Obviously in the last three days, ive showered and washed my hands.

Today, I masturbated.. But I only touched my vagina outside my underwear. I touched my leather jacket before doing so .. The same leather jacket I wore when my bf and I fooled around 3 days ago. I was wondering if there is any pregnant risk and if the sperm on both my hands and leather jacket would've been dead by the time I masturbated today. I read on many forums that sperm can live up to days outside the body. Am I at risk for masturbating outside my underwear today since my hands and jacket had touched semen and sperm the other day?

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Heather
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No, no, world of no.

Sperm cells are DELICATE. They don't have superpowers.

No one can get pregnant from a jacket, and a jacket can't preserve sperm cells. Preserving sperm is a really intense science, and that's because, again, sperm cells are delicate. I don't know what you have been reading where, but no, sperm calls cannot remain motile outside the body for days: they can't even do so for hours.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Samantha764
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Thank you ! [Smile] Just a question though, and I have been trying to find it on your website but can't.. How long does sperm live outside the body? Like on a hand or the skin or an object on average?
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Heather
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One of the troubles with that question is that how long sperm "live" isn't a sound question, and probably isn't what you want to know, anyway. What you probably want to know is about pregnancy, right?

If so, know that for a pregnancy to occur, we need to be talking about semen AND sperm, not one or the other, and there needs to be direct genital-to-genital contact or direct contact between ejaculate and your genitals. It's possible -- not likely -- for pregnancy to happen with indirect transfer, but if ejaculate has been outside the body for more than 20-30 minutes, based on what we know, then that's likely impossible.

Too, people don't tend to be walking around for a while with a pile of ejaculate on their hands. [Smile]

In other words, this really, I assure you, isn't the kind of thing anyone needs to be concerned about with preventing pregnancy. Using reliable contraceptive methods properly when engaging in the kinds of contact that can create pregnancy is, or avoiding that kind of contact, either way.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Samantha764
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If its possible that indirect transfer can cause pregnancy.. Do you mean like when my bf would touch his penis with his fingers to hold it straight and then rubbing/fingering outside my clothes? Is that risky? I'm just scared in that sense about precum seeping through my leggings. However, my bf has never ever ejaculated on his hands in front of me; he almost always does it in my mouth. My bf fingering me as well the other night right after work before taking his jeans down doesn't pose a risk either?
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Samantha764
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I'm just worried because I'm scared precum and cum that had gotten on the tips of my hair from when I gave him head could've dripped onto my vagina about 10-15 minutes later when I changed. That and I was thinking.. If water can go through clothing, couldn't precum have gone through my leggings if he fingered me outside my leggings?
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Karybu
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The kind of indirect transfer that would have the potential to cause pregnancy is along the lines of someone ejaculating on their hands or a partner's hands, and then those hands coming directly and immediately into contact with the vulva or vagina. The situations you're describing do not pose a pregnancy risk.

Have you seen this article yet? Pregnancy Scared? If you haven't had a read through it already, along with the article Joey linked you to a ways up in the thread, I think they'll really help you out in terms of figuring out what poses a risk and what doesn't when it comes to pregnancy.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Samantha764
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So if my bf touched his penis to make it stand up straight but did not ejaculate and them fingered me outside my leggings right after.. Does that pose a risk? Because it lands right around what you just defined as indirect transfer
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Samantha764
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Let me rephrase my question : can precum swim through clothing, such as my leggings?
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Karybu
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No. From the Pregnancy Scared article I linked you to:

quote:
Were you only kissing, having oral sex, manual sex and/or dry sex, where everyone had clothes on and no one ejaculated on or very near anyone else's vulva? These kinds of sex do NOT present any pregnancy risks, though some can present risks of STIs.
The difference between the situation what I described and what you're asking about is the clothing: sperm are delicate creatures, and they need the fluid that they're in (whether that's pre-ejaculate or ejaculate) to move. If that fluid is soaked up by fabric, they're not going anywhere. Does that make more sense?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Samantha764
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Yes, that makes more sense. Thank you [Smile] Sorry for the late reply, my internet at home had been down for a few days. I'm sorry to be asking such a stupid question, but it's just that I grew up in an environment where even just bringing up the topic of sex seems to be taboo and wrong. When they were attempting to teach us sex ed in grade 7, the teacher literally gave us a workbook that said "Love, Sex and Family" or something along those lines. But instead of teaching us how people reproduce and other things like that, they literally jsut said "Go home, and talk about it with your parents". Being the age of 12 with a low maturity rate, I was incredibly embarrassed to ask my parents about sex which made me pretty unknowing.

Can someone please explain to me why having oral sex, fingering and dry sex does not lead to pregnancy if they are still forms of sex?

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Robin Lee
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HI There,

Did you have a chance to read the article Joey posted above? It's a really thorough discussion of human reproduction.

No, not all sex leads to pregnancy. For pregnancy to even be a possibility there needs to be contact between a penus and a vulva. The sperm and egg need to meet in order for pregnancy to occur. This can only be facilitated by:

1. Contact between the penis and vulva--which is the outside of a woman's genitals. Pregnancy most frequently occurs through penis-in-vagina intercourse, but bare genitals rubbing against each other, or anal intercourse can also pose pregnancy risks if no birth contorl is used.

2. If Fresh ejaculate (semen) comes into contact with a vulva...this could happen if the guy ejaculated directly onto the woman's vulva and no birth control was used.

Does this help? Please don't be afraid to ask questions. A lot of us grew up with little to no sex education. That's a big reason why Scarleteen is here.

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Robin

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Samantha764
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Yes I read it [Smile]

It's just the little details I have questions about. I'm glad that you cleared it up that not all types of sex leads to pregnancy [Smile] I thought any type of contact with my vagina leads to pregnancy basically. Since manual sex/fingering does not lead to pregnancy, why is it that i felt so terrified even when I took note that he never even took his jeans off before doing so? I don't want to feel like that next time which is why I'm trying to learn all my facts as to how I can and cant get pregnant so I won't be so worried but it sucks that I didn't grow up with this type of information. I feel that by the adults in my life trying to hide this information from us, it actually puts us more at risk.

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Robin Lee
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It does take more than contact of anything with a woman's vagina to make her pregnant [Smile] .


I agree with you 100% that keeping knowledge away from young people makes their lives more difficult and less safe.

You were probably so scared because you didn't know the facts.

Is there anything else we can clear up for you right now?

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Robin

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Samantha764
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Thank you Robin [Smile]

Yes, there is a few other questions if you wouldn't mind.

I'm just a little bit scared though. Would you be so kind as to read my very first post in this thread and tell me YOUR personal opinion on it? Thanks.

The reason I ask that is because i remember on April 7 about two weeks ago, I remember telling myself and telling my friend randomly I was 99% sure I was ovulating (i had all the symptoms of ovulation; I know when I ovulate every month because I pay close attention to my body). Well, I am a bit alarmed at the moment, because last night I had a tiny bit of spotting and this morning as well. Sometimes that happens a day or two before my period starts. In your personal opinion from reading my very first post in this thread, do you believe it is my period starting or do you believe it to be what some people have said on other forums "implantation bleeding"? (The story in my first post is completely accurate; I took note of everything right after)

Also, what do you suggest I do in order to get rid of this anxiousness so I can enjoy my sex life with my boyfriend? My boyfriend wants to have sex on his birthday for the first time, but i do not want to ruin it by becoming so paranoid and anxious after. I know it sounds cliche and stupid, but i want it to be special and meaningful between us.

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September
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I am not going to answer the questions you posed to Robin - you already have my take on that situation.

However, I do want do want to say something about your last paragraph. When it comes to anxiety about pregnancy risks, there are a few things that we know can cause this anxiety. The top two are not being properly aware of what does and does not constitute a risk, and engaging in sexual activity you are not feeling ready for yet. So the first step toward dealing with your anxiety would be to figure out why YOU are feeling so anxious.

Do you feel you have a general idea of how a pregnancy is created? When we answer your questions about risk, do our answers make you feel better, or do you continueo worry even though you know rationally that you did not have a risk?

How about your relationship with your parter - do you feel that you are moving at a pace that is comfortable for both of you? Can you communicate well with your partner about your fears? Does he respect your boundaries, and have you been able to talk about your fears with him?

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-joey
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Robin Lee
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I did look at your first post, and it's really not a case of having a personal opinion about it. Facts is facts. [Smile] and Joey already pointed you towards those. *gentle smile*

Joey poses some good questions here. I'm also seeing that this is a bigger picture than just focussing on answering questions about individual situations.

What do you think?

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Robin

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Samantha764
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Your answers do make me feel better. I feel like this site provides honesty as well as truly legitimate answers, unlike Yahoo answers where people can answer whatever they please and not have any knowledge of reproduction as well. But sometimes my brain starts to go a little crazy.

It just makes me feel like I'm put in a tight situation. When my boyfriend finds out I have my period, or that I do not want to go farther than manual or oral sex, he gets extremely upset. And I mean really upset. I'm talking about tells-me-to-leave-or-just-drop-him-home-right-then-and-there-upset. So of course, I don't want him to be angry and leave me and do things with one of the other girls he used to speak to.

I think he respects my boundaries. I mean, he has never physically forced me to have sex or raped me before. Sometimes if I don't want to give him head on the car, he will just push my neck and head down until I do so. But i mean, he says every guy does that so I think he respects my boundaries.

I do talk about my fears with him. He reassures me, but later admits I'm stupid for not knowing better or for even being scared which makes me want to learn more so he won't think I'm stupid anymore.

Can anyone please inform me of what exactly implantation bleeding is? And what exactly is its purpose so I can decipher whether or not I am experiencing "implantation bleeding"??

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Samantha, a few of the things you are saying here are really setting off my alarm bells. It doesn't really sound to me at all like your partner is respecting your boundaries.

If you not wanting to engage in sexusal activity a given time gets him so upset and angry that you avoid voicing those boundaries, then he is not showing you respect. In a safe relationship where everyone is mutually caring and respectful, you should never have to feel afraid to voice your wants and needs.

It is also not okay for him to call you stupid. You are engaging in sexual activities together, so it is both of your responsibility to make sure you are both feeling comfortable and safe.

And most of all, it is certainly not okay for him to push your head down and force you to perform oral sex. That is sexual assault, and it has nothing to do with him respecting you in any way.

Hearing all that, I am not surprised that it is difficult for you to relax and feel comfortable. It does not sound like your partner is a safe person to be sexual with, and I would advise you to put a stop to sexual activity with him.

How do you feel about all of that?

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-joey
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Samantha764
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I feel like that it will be very hard to do, to stay away from engaging in sexual activity with him. I don't think he will want to see me. I mean, even now, when he knows I won't do things with him, he doesn't make time for me anymore. He makes excuses not to see me, and he tells me it's because every other guy gets this type of stuff from their girlfriends and I'm just being a tease on purpose, so obviously I feel horrible for doing that to him by not giving him what every other girl supposedly gives a guy (He's my first real relationship).

I don't know how to express my concerns without him leaving me.

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Robin Lee
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You know, right, that he's giving you a load of crap. That "but all the other guys get what they want" line is one of the oldest ones in the book, i'm sorry to say.

As Joey said, whether or not you and your partner engage in sexual activity is about the two of you, not just what he wants, and I'll echo that it's absolutely not okay for him to physically force you to give him oral sex.

You are absolutely entitled to be in a relationship that makes you feel loved, and safe, and a relationship that has mutual respect.

It does sound like your boyfriend expects your relationship to be built on sexual interaction which isn't sound for two reasons:
1. Most relationship have a lot more going on in terms of fun and connection than just sexual activity
2. ..and most important, it sounds like you want something more than sexual activity with your partner.

If you'd like to talk with him about this, you might find it helpful to take a look at this article:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

You may also want to take a look at this article about relationships:
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

Please remember that what you want from your relationship, sexually and otherwise, is just as important as what he wants, and that him guilting and shaming you into being sexual is totally not cool.

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Robin

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Samantha764
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I just read the second article that you posted, the one about the relationship check-up ..and I burst into tears when I got to the section on trust. I don't know why, it just affected me a lot and made me emotional.

I think it's because I know deep down inside I don't trust him. For example, I don't even trust him to not drop me if we get into an argument. I know this is not a relationship-self-help site, but please bear with me.

My bf went on a 2 month trip to India to visit family. When he was there, he would phone me and everything. But I was so anxious about him coming back. I would start shaking at the thought he would come back and never message or call me. Well, the night he came back (april12), he was very quiet on text and on the phone so I just assumed he was exhausted. I ended up finally seeing him a few days later on the 15th after work. He admitted he had jet lag, and that the first night he was back, he just cried because he was so homesick and missed his cousins there. Even when he was telling me, he started tearing up. He told me that night that he feels so sad about leaving his cousins and to give him a week to bounce back. He didn't feel like seeing me and we hadn't hung out since yesterday which was a week since the last time I saw him. Yesterday, when I picked him up from work, he made me think that we were finally going to go hang out but ended up admitting in the car that he just needed a ride and that he was tired because he hadn't slept since he came back a week ago due to an extremely bad cough due to the drastic weather change. Disappointed because all I want is time with him since he's been gone for so long, I got quiet in the car. Then I started telling him how frustrated I've been that he refuses to make time for me, and he kept saying it was because he's tired. But 2 mins later, his best guy friend called and asked him to hang out and said yes. I was so hurt that he easily made time for him but told me "fine we can hang out for 15 mins". After that, I confronted him about hearing a friend see a girl listed as "babe" on his phone when he and I first started talking and I asked him why he never changed her name and I got super upset (the fact that he doesn't / hasn't made time for me plus hearing that girl is still listed as babe on his phone doesn't help). He told me that he never changed it because he didn't care for her, that sometimes they still do talk but it's not flirty, and that he stopped talking to her in a flirty way about one month after he and I stopped talking and that he hasnt hung out with her since he and I started dating 10 months ago and that he doesn't like anyone else right now except me. He said he could make time for me tomorrow (which is today now), and asked me if i wanted to see him. Out of hurt, i said no. I started crying when I dropped him home. He kept texting me later that night saying "Are you alright" and "Babe are you fine??". I didn't reply until this morning, and this morning, I asked him if he wanted to hang out and talk but he magically has ppl coming over to him and his parents house. Then I got frustrated and told him to meet me halfway and make an effort and see me after work and he said "I can't I get tired". Then I sent some dramatic text (I know I shouldn't have) saying something along the lines of "Okay, you let me know when the old sweet you comes back because quite frankly it's only me making an effort and trying here. Have a good shift and have a good rest of your weekend". What do you guys think? Is my bf really busy and feeling emotional and I should be more patient or are these red flags? I know ppl can get busy and he tells me I should be grateful with the time he makes for me.

Posts: 34 | From: BC Canada | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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This is a sex education site, and having safe, healthy relationships is a big part of having a healthy sex life. So yes, this is absolutely what we do here, and there is no need to apologize.

International travel can be pretty taxing and it is not surprising that someone would be extra tired coming back from a trip like that. But it also sounds like your partner IS making time for other people in his life, so it does seem a bit manipulative that he is only calling you when he needs a ride.

But to be honest, what you are describing here only adds to the picture of this guy as someone who does not have your best interest at heart.

So I definitely think it is it time for you to have a conversation with this guy. Frankly, if you asking him for some more respect and care would make him want to leave, you would be much better off without him.

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-joey
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Samantha764
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Thank you, Joey [Smile]

I texted my boyfriend this morning, and I just kind of told him how I felt. I felt that he was not making an effort, that I really would appreciate him meeting me halfway, and that it just feels like he's pushing me away, and that I would love it if he were to make time to see me before work this week since he always complains about how tired he is after work.

His response was "Morning. Why? You want to suck my dick that bad?" and I was shocked.

I couldn't even reply properly. All I responded by saying was "Yeah, okay. Nevermind. That never answered my question. Would you want to see me before work this week sometime?" And he hasn't replied because he's at work. I feel like he's making me feel like I am not good enough. I am trying SO HARD to be patient and understanding of how homesick he is. Add the fact that he hasn't slept since he came back because he developed an incredibly bad cough due to the weather change, he's crankier. But I don't want to sound selfish, but my patience is dwindling. I feel like such a last resort. Should I end this relationship? Or do you feel, in your opinion, that it really is temporary since he came back and that it will become healthy?

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Samantha, from what you have told us here, this really isn't just about your boyfriend not making time for you. What is much more concerning is the fact that he has a history of not respecting your boundaries when it comes to sexual activity, and forcing you to engage in activities you do not want. That weighs much heavier than his being flaky right now.

In other words, even if he really is just being unavailable because he truly is ill and tired, that's really only a small part of the problem. The much bigger part of the problem is his lack of respect for you and your boundaries, and we know that that had nothing to do with his traveling, and will likely continue once he recovers.

So, if you are asking my opinion, I think that you would be much better off without this guy.

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-joey
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Heather
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Just to be sure this is clear:

quote:
I think he respects my boundaries. I mean, he has never physically forced me to have sex or raped me before. Sometimes if I don't want to give him head on the car, he will just push my neck and head down until I do so. But i mean, he says every guy does that so I think he respects my boundaries.
Every guy most certainly does NOT physically force their partner to give them oral sex: you say he hasn't physically forced you, but then in your very next sentence, you describe him doing exactly that. And that is a sexual assault when someone, of any gender, does that to someone else.

His stating all guys assault their partners in that way is not only something untrue, but likely something he is saying to manipulate you or keep you from telling others he is doing this.

[ 04-23-2012, 03:09 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Heather
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Also? If you feel deep down you can't trust this person, can you perhaps see some of why a lack of trust would be the most reasonable thing you could have?

In other words, we have sound reason not to trust someone who manipulates us into sex or forces us to do sexual things we don't want to do, because we should NOT trust people that do those things. They are showing us clearly we are not safe with them and they are not people we CAN trust.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Samantha764
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I am a bit worried. I asked my bf to meet me today so we could talk about my boundaries and such. Then he told me that he respects them and that he's pushing me away by nagging him with too many boundaries and stuff. So he started kissing me and saying sorry in my car and stuff. Soon enough, My bf and I were making out in my car. It's the last day of my period so I was wearing blue denim jeans. My jeans + underwear + period pad (tmi sorry) NEVER CAME OFF/DOWN and and he NEVER fingered me and he never touched my va*gina. That being said, I gave him head in the car and he ej*acu*lated in my mouth. I got a little bit of cu*m on my scarf and a bit on my hair and a bit on my right hand from stroking him, but the majority of it was in my mouth. I got a little bit on my hands, and then when we got out of the car right after, I pulled the top of my jeans up. I'm scared that when I puled my jeans up higher at the end that sperm could have gone on my waist-ish area and slid down to my va*gina inside my jeans. But my jeans, underwear and pad would have probably soaked it right? Can I get pregnant from this or am I just being overly paranoid? What are my chances?
Posts: 34 | From: BC Canada | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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