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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » I wish I was pregnant...

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Author Topic: I wish I was pregnant...
Bellaboo
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For the last year or so I have been desperatly craving having my first child.
I am 19 years old. I own a home with my handsome and wonderful fiance that I love dearly. We've been together for almost 3 years, and we are getting married next June. We both have great jobs and are both in college. Really our life is as perfect as one can be for such a young couple. But for some odd reason, all I can think about is the child I so desperatly want. I know that this would not be a good decision right now. My fiance agrees with me in saying we are not ready. But my mind won't quit. I am constantly surrounded by children at work and through my friends and even when I see them scream and kick and fuss, I still want a little one in my life. I find myself dreaming about it constantly and already imagining which room would be the babies room and pricing baby furniture and such. I end up praying the condom breaks every time we have sex. I know this is terrible. Especially when my fiance is perfectly content to wait two more years until I graduate. My real question is... how do I get this off my mind??? I know the timing isn't right but is it ever right? I know I'm not ready now but will I ever be ready? Isn't a baby one of those things you just have to experience? I either want to have one or to quit craving it so badly. I've tried babysitting and thinking about the money and doing everything I can think of to deter my feelings but so far nothing has worked. All I can see is that it's "doable" and my mind won't quit. I need help on freeing my mind from this self torture. How do I stop dwelling on how much I want a baby??

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~*~ A song is not a song until someone sings it ~*~

Posts: 20 | From: Somewhere in the USA | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I want to just first say that feelings are always okay. Obviously not always easy, but okay. And wishing a condom would break is not terrible: sabotaging them so they did and not respecting the other person involved in what they want and need would be. But a thought isn't doing that and can't do that.

When it comes to readiness for pregnancy and parenting, I'd say most parents would agree there is rarely, if ever, a time when one is totally ready and completely prepared. Instead when people tend to talk about is being as prepared as one can when pregnancy and parenting is a choice, and working on the things one needs to to get ready. besides doing that, it does tend to boil down to personal choice, and we know full well there is no one right or wrong age for these things for everyone.

I do think we might want to check in an talk about how babies don't stay babies for long. I hear you talking about babies a lot, so how about visualizing the pre-teen and teen that person will become and parenting them? Pregnancy also is something that is more than just getting a baby, if and when if even results in that. Not only do all planned pregancies not end in births, pregnancy is a huge event for your body, during and ever-after.

You say you're clear this wouldn't be a good choice for you, so unless you want to talk about considering becoming pregnant now, I'm not going to, not because I wouldn't respect that choice if you felt it was right, but because you seem to be saying you know it isn't good and want to be able to focus on something besides a baby.

Do you want to talk about what you think you'd get out of pregnancy and parenting for yourself that you feel is missing in your life now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bellaboo
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First off thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me about this. What I'm really looking for is support and guidance and patience. I'm looking for ways to turn my brain off this subject. I just wish that I could find reasons that click in my brain that tell me "I'm glad that this is not happening to me". Right now I'm blinded by "I want this" and I can't seem to get it out of my head. Thanks again for yalls support!

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~*~ A song is not a song until someone sings it ~*~

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm happy to take that time, even if this means we talk back and forth over weeks or days.

But again, can you perhaps fill me in on what you think pregnancy or parenting will give you that you don't have now, or don't feel something else can give you? Being able to start identifying that is going to be a big piece of this.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bellaboo
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It's a bit hard to explain but I really just want to be a mother. I love the idea of feeding, bathing, changing diapers, and of course cuddling with my baby. I just really want to be a mommy and to love and cherish a baby (or child or teen etc.). I think it's just a maternal instict. Like if I'm at work and I see a child crying, my first thought is to pick them up and calm them down. I feel like I'm repeating myself but I don't know how else to explain it other than I want to be a mother. lol I also thought getting a puppy would fill this void. I do have a new puppy that I got a few weeks ago and while she is beautiful she doesn't do it for me. Does this help at all? If not I'll try to explain it better

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~*~ A song is not a song until someone sings it ~*~

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Bellaboo
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Also I don't think I made it clear but for the record, no matter how impatient I am for a child, I would NEVER tamper with condoms or do anything to force it upon my ever so resistant fiance. I love and respect him too much to go against his wishes like this. Just for the record. [Big Grin]

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~*~ A song is not a song until someone sings it ~*~

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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The thing is that being a mother involves everything from feeling great about a pregnancy to debilitating months of postpartum depression; from your kid saying you're the best Mom ever to saying they hate you in your face and spitting on you. It involves times when they'll cuddle, then times when you want to cuddle and they scream for you to get away from them.

Do you know what I mean? In other words, there's no one experience of being a mother, and while there can be a lot of stuff many parents love and find wonderful, there can be just as much that parents find completely heartbreaking and emotionally devastating. So, is it the whole of parenting and pregnancy you're wanting and feeling would be what you want, or only the good stuff or not-painful stuff?

You said there are kids all over where you work: are you doing a lot of full-time childcare right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Bella: I didn't assume that you would. I pretty much take our users at their word here, so unless someone tells me or strongly suggests they're doing or going to do something, I don't make assumptions. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bellaboo
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Sadly no, I actually work in retail but you do see the best of the best and the worst of the worst. I do understand what you're saying about thinking about all the experiences and not just the positive ones. It would be heartbreaking for my child to scream "i hate you" like I once did to my mother. But through the rough times I feel like the good times would outweigh them greatly and that those postive times would keep me going...at least that's what I imagine. I would also hate actually being pregnant. I'm sure I'd have every unpleasent symptom possible but in my mind it's just worth all the unpleasentness to look in my childs eyes and to hold them tightly in my arms. I don't know if feeling this way is just ignorance or what. I just don't know how to feel. lol and thanks again!

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~*~ A song is not a song until someone sings it ~*~

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Heather
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Well, you see a pretty small sliver of the picture, though, in tiny increments of time.

So, do you have any friends with kids of any age? If so, how about doing some extended childcare for them? I know my friends with kids are always aching to get away for a weekend, and free childcare is about the best thing that can happen to them.

OR, what about volunteering at your local hospital in the children's ward, your local Head Start program, homeless shelter that serves children, or something else where you really can spend lots of time with kids who really NEED some extra care and nurturing?

I did not choose to be a biological parent for a host of reasons, but not liking kids wasn't one. I've been teaching and working with other people's children intensely for 20 years, mentoring people, helping other parents out, the whole works. It's not exactly the same, obviously, but if you want to care for children badly now, but now isn't the right time for your life and your partner to plan and have a pregnancy, there are absolutely kids in need of people who want to care for them where you may be able to get your own needs met, too.

You might also want to talk to more parents and women who have been pregnant. By all means, when being pregnant and parenting is what someone wants, they have my full support and it's one of many very important possible intimate relationships we can have in our lives where everyone involved can benefit. But while I certainly think we can say a majority of mothers agree that even difficult pregnancies were worth it, pregnancy really can be a very big deal, and its effects don't just end with a birth. You say you're looking at furniture, but have you also been reading up on pregnancy in-depth as well as parenting? If not, I'd suggest doing that, too.

....unless, and this is important, you feel like that just keeps you focused on something you don't want to be focused on. If that's the case, that might not be your best bet, and it might be more helpful to consider adding something new to your life that isn't about this at all. Any creative projects you're working on or want to, for instance?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bellaboo
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Ha I actually offer to watch my friends kids all the time. [Big Grin] Lately it has been that when they need it I'm at work or school but whenever I can I try to do just that! It has been a great way to help me get some mothering in but while it helps me fill a bit of that void it also makes me crave my own even more. And while it has been a while I did do a summer program for children in need. I went to this free day care for parents who have no other options and I was able to play with and take care of the kids there as well. I loved it soo much and cried my eyes out when tt was over. lol. What's disapointing is that there are very little programs like that where I live. The children's center I went to was an out of state thing I did for a summer.
Like I said I do have a lot of friends that are mothers and a lot of them are a lot younger than I am. It's just hard because I know that even my friends that are older than me, I know that I am financially and emotionally more well off than they are (I say emotionally in that I have a fiance that loves me dearly who will help a ton with the baby whether it waits a few years or not. Most of my friends are unlucky enough to have deadbeat boyfriends or one night stands and are doing this alone...the poor girls). Seeing my friends hardships have actually stirred me up instead of brought me down. I see them and think "if they can do I sure as heck can".
I actually had a serious talk with my fiance tonight about all of this and he is strongly voting to wait 3 years. To me thats a bit UGH but I know it's a good idea. I think a good way to make me feel better about this is either to distract me completely or to think of ways I can plan for that happy occasion. Any suggestions?
P.S. Yes I'm actually a very creative person and spend any free time I have writing, drawing, painting, etc.

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~*~ A song is not a song until someone sings it ~*~

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Stephanie_1
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Hey Bellaboo: I hope you don’t mind if I jump in here some as well.

I’ve read through your discussion with Heather so far and have a couple of questions as well, and a few things that I’d like you to think about. First of all, let me say that I just graduated college myself in December, so I know how that goes with class schedules, exams, and projects all too well. College is a very difficult time, and something to consider is that from the sound of it your still early or maybe midway between starting and finishing your college term. From here, the classes will begin to get harder, will require more time and dedication from both you and your fiancée. It also means that projects will be bigger and you’ll be working more toward a large goal than just getting through liberal studies courses.

I’d like you to consider some things then – how would nighttime feedings fit into that schedule? Diaper changes, play times? Times when for whatever reason a baby will just want to be held and want all of your attention? If you have childcare for when you are both at school, what happens in the baby is sick and needs to be at the doctor’s – but you both have a big presentation that day? Who misses class and the presentation? Too? How do you fit doctor’s appointments for yourself, possibly dealing with morning sickness, etc into your schedule? Are you prepared for if your child is born with a disability? Some disabilities and illnesses it’s difficult to find someone qualified to care for your child with, so that may mean one of you needing to be home.

I also think it may be a good idea for you to not only talk with your partner about your wanting a baby right now, but asking him why he feels it is not a good time. Because you would be going into parenting together, it’s a two way street. Both partners need to feel ready and able to care for a child right now, and he’s not feeling as ready and comfortable with the idea right now as you are. That’s something you certainly want to make sure you’re on the same page with.

Have you tried applying with some of the childcare centers in your area? You can check at nurseries, early care centers, some gyms and offices offer childcare? It’s a great opportunity to really see what parenting is like being in charge of children that sometimes don’t listen, get sick in the room, pick fights. Trying to take something a toddler should have while rocking a baby to sleep and singing to another because they’re crying in a rocking swing. Or even inquiring at your local schools to see if any of the kids could use a tutor? Sometimes getting some professors to vouch for your character can get you in the door that way, and again working in a place like a school you can see some of the calm and some of the more difficult children to work with (and let me tell you from personal experience, often the more a parent has trouble with a child’s behavior, the more willing they often are to let them stay for after school programs!). I’d also implore you to look into something like Big Brothers Big Sisters or similar groups. Often you go on outings with the kids, and are their guardian the whole time.

As Heather said as well, if it’s not hurtful to you to be doing a little planning and preparation, that’s okay to do too. For instance, a great book to read when thinking about parenting is “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” There’s nothing that says you can’t prepare early for having a baby. Mind I wouldn’t start buying pains and cribs yet, because it can turn your place into a madhouse of chaos with things to walk around – but you can read up on some of the products so you know about them prior. Also, would talking to someone in person be helpful? Most colleges have counselors, and many would likely have worked with teen mom’s also trying to go through schooling. They may be able to add some to the perspective.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Bellaboo
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Thank you everyone who has posted thoughts and concerns. I really appreciate that you all care so much. It's inspiring to know I have someone I can talk to about this that won't be biased by knowing us personally.
Just to update you all, I have talked things over yet again with my fantastic fiance and we've come to a mutual and wonderful agreement. After a long talk about budgets, emotions, readiness, etc., we have agreed to wait another 3 years before trying. While that does seem like a long time away for me, I know that with time flying so fast lately, it'll fly by too. Also I'm one of those people who can deal much easier if I get a date or time to a future event if possbile. To have a set game plan makes me feel so much better than wondering when "someday" will arrive. Also by 3 years I will be done with college and I'll have more than enough money to support triplets none the less one beautiful child. This all takes the stress off me and him and I love my future children too much to make them unhappy. I know that they'd love it a lot more in a world where I can afford to take time off to be with them more. He/she will also be grateful for parents who won't fight over money troubles because we were responsible. BUT just because my baby isn't on its way now... DOESN'T mean I can't plan everything now! [Big Grin] I can still work on baby budgets and price the important things. I can get the parenting books and to fully prepare myself (as best as possible that is) for the possbile misery that could be pregnancy. I am already looking into day care jobs as well to fully train myself in taking care of a baby. As badly as I want to be a mommy, I realize more and more that I have no idea how. lol. Thanks again for everyone's input. I'm just glad I can walk away for the first time feeling glad that I'm not pregnant just yet. Besides, planning for a baby is almost as much fun and preparing to have one. [Big Grin]

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~*~ A song is not a song until someone sings it ~*~

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Bella: I'm glad you found a joint plan that feels workable for both of you and that you feel good about!

If you want some good reading on parenting, I'm happy to give you some suggestions.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Bellaboo
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Thanks! Yes I'd love any and all reading materials to help me get ready for that special time in my life. Anything I can do to learn or prepare is welcomed. [Big Grin]

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~*~ A song is not a song until someone sings it ~*~

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Stephanie_1
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I'm sure Heather will probably add in some titles as well, but a few good ones are:

What to expect when you're expecting by: Heidi Murkoff

Gentle Baby Care by: Elizabeth Pantley

Heading Home with Your Newborn: From Birth to Reality by: Laura Jana and Jennifer Shu

(A friend also suggests for parenting
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish)

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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AGF
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I felt the same way. that constant feeling of needing to have a baby. then when i moved in to my apartment and ran out of money and now currently applying everywhere like crazy b/c i have had no calls back realize that having a baby now is not a good idea. i work at a daycare and so that helps. but just knowing that if i cant afford myself i cant afford a baby and a baby doesnt deserve to lack anything or suffer. wait awhile longer until you are married and have your life under control financially, weddings are expensive, and then talk again abouthaving a baby. even my bf who i love dearly said that we cant have a baby cuz we cant afford it and loving the baby wont keep its belly full.
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