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Author Topic: I'm lost
Cat_mwah
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Hello Scarleteen,

I've been with my partner for near a year now and things are going well, we have a few ups and downs but nothing I feel out of the ordinary.

But there is one thing.

A few months ago we decided we were in the right situation emotionally to start a family, and I couldn't have been more pleased, but a week ago I found out he has a son already to an ex girlfriend who has only just recently had her child.

Now I'm happy to except that he is already a father, but he has now turned to me and said he doesn't want to have a baby with me, that really hurt and confused me as only a few months ago he was the one who asked me to bear his children.

Since then I have been torn with excepting his descion and also the relaization that he is already a father to someone else's child, I hate to sound bitter but I feel a part of my happiness has been taken away by his ex.

I don't want my feelings for him to change because I'm torn but i just don't know what I should do.

I love him so much but I just feel I can never be happy with him having a child with some one else.

Is that selfish.

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*Cat*

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Alice
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May I ask how old you are?

Here's the deal. I understand you being hurt from him changing his mind. Keep in mind that he is his own separate person and that you should be respectful of his decision to not have another child at this time.

Thing is, possessiveness in relationships generally doesn't end well. It leads to all sorts of resentment on both sides. You say that you can't be happy with him having a child by someone else. I know I'm a total cornball here - but - your happiness really should come from inside you, not depending on someone else's deal.

Feelings change, people move on, you can grieve and accept your relationship for it's past and possible future. Seriously, you don't know what the future can hold for you - you will have other chances to make a baby if that's what you so choose to do with a willing partner. [Smile]

Here are some articles I think might be relevant to you:

I Want It NOW!
Sexual Negotiation for the Long Haul
Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For

[ 09-05-2008, 05:42 AM: Message edited by: Alice ]

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Cat_mwah
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I'm 18, I know that, that is young and I should wait, but he is the first guy i have felt such a strong connection to.

I just feel like i am being punished in a way, that now he has a child he doesn't need any more and i mean his ex isn't one for being resonable with him seeing his son, and i can see it's hurting him and i am powerless to help.

I don't want to feel like i am making him chose or and being possesive but i dunno, i guess in a way i am being selfish.

Sadly i have been in a similar situation to things where an ex had a son, but i actually really care for my partner, where as my ex was rather abusive so my feelings were some what altered.

how can i get past this and move on and be happy that i may end up being a step mother.

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*Cat*

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Alice
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Ok, I want you to for sure check out I Want it NOW! and then come back here to discuss how you feel about it, if you so wish.

On that note, can I ask you this? Do you actually want a child, a whole real person who depends on you for everything, and feel that you're ready to saturate your whole being (at least for awhile) into keeping this person alive and happy?

Take it from me. I had a baby at 18 and I love him dearly. But my freaking god, it is so hard. Everyone says that, but seriously, it's hard. I can list about 20 things off the top of my head I wish I had figured out before having him. Maybe more like 50.

Like the article I linked for you twice explains - having a baby doesn't = fixed relationships. In reality, it can strain them pretty badly, especially if the pregnancy wasn't wanted on both ends. I am giving you some personal insight here because I've been there. You know the staying together statistics are low. It is a huge heart wrenching struggle for me every day to grapple with my failing relationship and - this is the biggie - that it affects someone besides me, someone for whom I am 100% responsible for the well being of. How I handle this directly affects him and shapes his life. This is crucial.

Gah. I know relationships can be so hard. You have your emotions all tangled up in someone you care about, and the human experience means that we are not perfect, we can be selfish and want things for our own reasons. Normal. Part of growing up is learning how to be patient and do what is best for ourselves first, even if it's not what you want right now. You do not want to trap yourself into a messy situation, I'm sure. Work on you, work on your relationship if you want to.

Is there anyone you can talk to about this IRL? Like a parent, friend's parent, teacher, mentor type person, etc? It can really help to sit out and have a heart pouring out with someone you trust. Writing here is good too. Sometimes you can answer your own questions just by saying them out loud and letting them bounce off someone else.

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Alice
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Oh, and one other thing. Put yourself in his shoes. He's probably discovering all these things I described from my own life, about being responsible for his kid and what that actually means. These issues are hard to grapple with, and it's definitely a good thing for everyone involved (including you) that he wants to hold off on creating another kid right now.
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Cat_mwah
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i can understand that despite my reluctance to except that, over the passed few days i've distance myself from him to try and give him space and let him and his family discuss it further as i feel i am just in the way, he also having some space from everything, as much as i hate the fact i cannot change what is happening i love him.

no matter what the circumstance he is the man i love and intend to marry as we are getting engaged in a few months, i should really stop being selfish and support him but he isn't making it easy, by making me feel like our financial problems are my fault, and i feel he is rubbing in my face he has a child by when we talk he puts emphasis on the words his child and i just feel distant.

i can see it from his side as from a young age i was always looking after friends children and eventually my sister's two boys and it's not easy. i will be there for him and support him and his son.

i just feel as though i also have to help myself as i don't really have people i can talk to about my feelings, because as m uch as me and his family get along he is still there son and i can't really discuss my feelings with them.

i just feel stuck with what to do about things.

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*Cat*

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Stephanie_1
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Cat: Did you take some time to look through the articles that Alice linked you to? Especially the article I Want It Now.? It’s a wonderful article that really hits on a lot of what you’re talking about here.

I think it’s probably a good decision to give him some space and thinking time. Finding out that you’re a father comes with a lot of emotions that take time to come to terms with. He’ll probably need a lot of time and support to make decisions regarding his baby – and you’re being there for support can help him through this. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying to him that you understand he’s going through a lot and that you’re there to support him and listen whenever he wants to or feels ready to talk.

Feeling upset by the situation doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you a logically thinking person. Yes it’s a lot for him to deal with – but it’s also a lot for you to deal with. The big thing here that I keyed into is that you mentioned financial problems. Babies cost a LOT of money. Food, diapers, clothes (which they grow out of in weeks or months at the most) doctors bills, etc. Perhaps part of the reason he doesn’t want a baby right now with this relationship is that he does understand that with financial problems right now it wouldn’t be in the best interest of a child you would be bringing into the world. Aside from that he really is under a lot right now, so it’s understandable that he’s not feeling emotionally ready right now either.

Remember too that looking after children is a bit different from having them. When you watch someone else’s children you get the chance to give them back, call the parent when they become ill. Have you sat down and really talked to him about everything? You both could be a really good support network for one another.

[ 09-05-2008, 09:10 AM: Message edited by: Stephanie_1 ]

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Heather
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Cat, a few things you're saying here -- like him making you feel your joint financial problems are all your fault -- have got my radar up.

Is this really a healthy relationships? The ups and downs that you've had: what have those been about and been like?

You say you've been together a year, but that his ex just had a child: had you been aware he was with someone else sexually during the time she conceived? Was he honest with you about that, and did he know she was pregnant this whole time without saying anything to you? When you were discussing starting a family, did he NOT mention he had already gotten someone else pregnant?

[ 09-05-2008, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cat_mwah
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No we got together after they had broken up and yes he was honest about the pregnancy from the get go.

well our ups and downs are nothing out of the ordinary really until now, now it's about money about me not being able to provide the same ammount that he can because i haven't got a job atm and that alot of the time if he's angry i become the cause.

now don't get me wrong the bad times yeah are crap but he can be one of the most caring and lovable and respectful and genuine guys with me so the good times out way the bad, it's just lately he seems to be more upset then happy so that makes me upset.

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*Cat*

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Heather
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I'm confused: you said you only found out about the son a week ago? As in, the son was just born a week ago and you only knew it was the son then, or as in, you only knew about the pregnancy a week ago?

Honestly, the good times being great is only so meaningful if the bad times being crap are a) frequent and b) not healthy. In other words, we can be dealing with conflict in a relationship in ways that don't involve outbursts of anger at a partner, deep resentments, blaming or other behaviours which are borderline or actual abusive and/or controlling. And if we are talking about things getting abusive, please understand that an abusive person being awesome when they aren't abusive isn't the exception: it's the rule, and part of how the cycle of abuse works.

Even if we aren't talking abuse, from what I can tell, you're kind of grading this guy and your relationship with him on a pretty low bell curve. And if you're thinking about legally binding yourself to this person, having a child with him (and then binding a child to him) that's obviously a decision you want to make very carefully, particularly since if someone behaves badly when a relationship is fairly new -- and this is -- that doesn't tend to be a good thing in terms of behavior later on. We usually are on our best behavior when things are newer, after all.

So, do you want to talk more about what these bad times are like? Or about how those conversations about starting a family went? When you were having those, were you discussing his ex's existing pregnancy and his existing child?

[ 09-05-2008, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cat_mwah
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I knew about the pregnancy for the start but no one including the ex was sure if it was his because she had been with someone else, the baby was born earlier this year, but we only found out he was the father a week ago.

we were discussing the possibility of him alreaday being a father yes, and he was the one who got down on one knee and said i want to have a family with you, me being me i was like well you may already have one and he was like i know that but i want a family with you because he and i both know the chances of him actually having the chance to be a father with his son is not a good chance because his ex is very against it.

anyway the bad times usually consist of him having a bad day at work and me being the easiest way to vent, which i tend to be used to as i have had it happen over the years with two previous partners.

so to me it's nothing new,

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*Cat*

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Heather
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Because being someone's whipping girl is nothing new doesn't mean it's okay or that it's healthy. In healthy relationships, that's just not how things work.

I'm sorry if you have yet to experience anything else, but that doesn't mean you can't HAVE anything else. It just means that in order to do that, someone doing that kind of thing needs to be a dealbreaker. Often, you'll find that once it becomes one, it tends to open doors to meeting people and getting involved with people who aren't that way.

It sounds to me like it's also possible that he a) wasn't really getting what being a father was like until this and b) may have just....I don't know, been trying to cover his bases. That sounds more brash than I'd like it to, but I'm having trouble finding the right words.

All the same, if you're the whipping girl like this and the way he vents, chances are so will be any kind you have with him. So that's one thing I'd think VERY deeply about before cementing anything further with him or trying to have a kid with this guy. It sounds to me like it's actually a good thing he's suddenly soured on the idea, because it gives you more time to consider all of this, including making sound choices about who any child of yours is going to be raised by, you know?

(It might also be sound to consider why his ex is or was set against him being involved with their child. I'd also watch any bitterness towards her: after all she wasn't the only one who decided to risk a pregnancy, he made that choice, too. For all you know, he asked her to have a family with him like he asked you.)

All this said, what I'd suggest is just thinking about all of this for a while: about the relationship, about if this really is the kind of relationship you want for a whole lifetime and for a child to grow up in. You might also want to spend some time with some friends or family and talk about all of this with them, as well. What's your support system like?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cat_mwah
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you know until you mentioned that he may have said that he also wanted a family with her i had never even thought of that, but i have gathered alot from his family and aparently she was saying at work she didn't care who she became pregnant to she just wanted a baby.

i'm actually with a friend atm whose a neutral he knows us both and doesn't pick sides so i can talk with him really easily.

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*Cat*

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