Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » 15, pregnant, and no one to turn to.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: 15, pregnant, and no one to turn to.
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

Icon 1 posted      Profile for oOo Lea oOo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was going to add this in with my topic in Relationships, but I figured it might be better suited in here.

Last night, my brother walked to my boyfriends house at 8:30 and was crying. He blurted out to my boyfriend, my cousin, a friend, and I ,"you know that joke me and Brianna were talking about at school, the one where she missed her period and we were going around saying she is pregnant? Well, its true!"

Everyone immediately stood up, slapped his back, and said congrats!

I however, was immediately terrified. Her mother is abusive, and jsut recently (like Friday) forced her to move out into her father's house. Her father absolutely HATES my brother. He forced her to go to the clinic and get on birth control (which isn't exactly a bad idea, imo.) She is 14 and he is 16, 17 in June. I am feeling so frustrated because I have "alot on my own plate" at the moment, but I can't help but to want to help her, help them. She wants to hide it from her mom until she "looks like she has a basketball under her shirt". I told my brother that they needed to tell someone RIGHT AWAY so that she can see a doctor and make sure she is okay. I told him to tell her that she needs to get checked out and make sure she knows exactly how she needs to keep her body healthy.

She doesn't want to tell her mom or her dad. My brother doesn't want to tell my parents either, which if it were me, I most definitely would probably not tell them, just because my parents aren't the most understanding in the world. Far from it. Can I do anything to help her. Can I take her to the doctor. I know that her being a minor would be hard. Is there any way I can help?

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Actually, you CAN take her to the doctor, absolutely. I think you'd also be a great person to talk to her, if you're up to it, because you really seem to have a wonderful balance of kindheartedness and pragmatism in yourself, both of which she'll need right now. (And if she hasn't taken a pregnancy test, or had EPT results verified, obviously, that's essential.)

You can explain to her WHY prenatal care is so important -- most of the stats that show teen mothers have less healthy babies and have health problems themselves is because teens don't get that care -- and again, if you're up to it, offer to be an ear as she decides what to do. Being 14 and pregnant is a pretty darn scary place to be, all the more so in an abusive family.

Her hiding it, for that reason, would in no way be smart: when things do become obvious, she's likely to be in more danger than she would have been otherwise. She does have the option of reporting the abuse to her doctor, who could bring social services in if she wants a way out of her household.

Know, too, that because she is under the AOC, given her age and your brothers age and the law in VA, he HAS committed statutory rape, which, from what I can tell per their age diff, would be a misdemeanor, and that is likely something he is going to have to deal with, given how her father feels about him, and also if social services is brought into the equation, which may or may not even be up to her.

THAT given, I would suggest your brother come clean to your folks: it's all going to come out in time and it may get pretty ugly, so him voluntarily taking responsibility NOW would likely be wisest.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

Icon 1 posted      Profile for oOo Lea oOo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh yes. I didn't even THINK about AOC. I told my brother that this would be a messy situation. He understands that. I would be more than glad to take her to the doctor. I know that she wants me to be there for her, because she made my brother tell me first.

I was just unsure as to what the rules were. I know that when I took my cousin to the emergency room, even though I was living with im at the time, I had to have a letter from his mother, who is no where around.

I will talk to them tonight, and find a way to break it to my parents. Considering the way her parents are, and my parents are, do you have any suggestions about telling them? My brother is scared to death and wants ME to tell them. Do you think it would be better coming from him?

Thanks Miz S!

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No, your brother is going to have to step up here. YOU doing it for him is only going to make him look even more irresponsible than he's already been.

You shouldn't need a letter: you can even just take her to Planned Parenthood for what she needs.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

Icon 1 posted      Profile for oOo Lea oOo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yea I thought that, too. I even told him that.

Great! I'll let her know, and try to set up a day soon to take her.

Oh and about the pregnacy test, when she went in for birth control at the clinic yesterday, they told her they would be GLAD to put her on birth control, but not for another 7 or 8 months. So I'm assuming they gave her a test yesterday at her appointment.

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Actually, I'd doubt it, unless they told her so and told her the results.

They may have said that because of her age?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

Icon 1 posted      Profile for oOo Lea oOo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hmm . .

I guess it's possible. My brother really didn't say anything about a TEST, other than what I said before.

I guess I didn't think of that either. Thanks Miz S. I'll have to clear that up tonight, and ask. If anything, I'll go buy her a test. I know that she has missed 2 periods, because I remember her telling me she had severe cramping but no period last month (I told her to go see a doctor if she didn't get it and was still worried) and my brother said she didn't have one this month either (that is where the "joke" came from).

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

Icon 1 posted      Profile for oOo Lea oOo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also, I just remembered this, My brother was concerned about her parents forcing her to have an abortion.

We have talked about this several times (me and her) because she has had a scare or two before. I constantly lecture them on safer sex. My boyfriend does as well, along with our parents.

Although, I remember not too long ago, She came up to me and asked me how I felt on abortion. We discussed it, and she told me she was pro-life. She had REALLY strong feelings on abortion.

One of the reasons my brother was upset was because her mother and father both agreed that if Brianna should ever get pregnant, they would see to it that it was terminated, unless she was over the age of 18.

I don't know much about this topic, so I turn to you for help. Can they force her to do so?

If she is pregnant, she may change her mind . . considering her parents and the fact that they are young and neither of them are in a stable environment, have a job, money saved, etc. I am not sure. That is her decision, but if she doesn't . . Can they force her to terminate?

I have text her phone telling her to come by my boyfriends tonight (she is staying with a friend who lives a mile or two a way) because I want to talk to her. I jsut want to make sure that I have information to answer any questions she may ask.

[ 04-27-2006, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: oOo Lea oOo ]

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Legally, no, they cannot.

This is one reason why, though, again, she may very well want to have social services contacted. They can help provide her protection in this regard.

I'll be frank: dealing with social services is rarely fun. It will undoubtedly put more stress on her plate for a while, especially if they decide that she should be placed in foster care. And it is likely that they WILL file a report on your brother.

Suffice it to say, my sympathy with him in something like this is going to be minimal: he knew all of this, and yet still chose not only to have sex with her, but, I gather, to do so without protection. She's a 14-year-old girl. He may be not even 17, but that's still old enough to know better and to have the advantage here per a lot of things.

But it's worth looking at all the angles for her to decide what she wants to do, for herself, first. Though her parents can't legally force her to, from the sounds of things, she's probably not at the point where she could have what's required to stand up for herself in this regard, so her being bullied by them TO abort, and all that could go along with that, may well likely in her acquiescing (which, no matter what she'd eventually decide for hserlf, would be bound to be traumatic if she wasn't ABLE to choose for herself).

Lea, you're an angel to help out here, especially amidst all your own stuff that's so heavy. Just know that if this IS too much for you, that's okay, and you can aslo call social services and ask all of these or more questions, without actually making a report.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

Icon 1 posted      Profile for oOo Lea oOo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks, so much.

I think I will do that. Maybe it would be a good idea, considering social services is in my building at work anyway, to stop by and ask some questions.

Oh, and I know this won't change anything, but I think I might have mistyped her age. I am pretty sure she just turned 15, if she didnt, she will soon. I know her birthday is in April.

Thanks again for the info! I really appreciate it, along with everything else! [Wink]

Ohh, and to add . . My brother just called me to pick him up after school and I asked if they gave her a test, for sure. And he said yes, they did. And it came back positive.

[ 04-27-2006, 02:16 PM: Message edited by: oOo Lea oOo ]

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, she's two missed periods in?

One thing I will suggest, if the news per social services is not good -- and ethically, I'm on the fence with this one -- is that if there are NO other good options per the notion that they may force her to abort, if she waits two more months to tell them, they can't force her to do so.

Like I said, I feel a bit funny even suggesting that, and would only advise she consider that IF that threat is very real, IF social services sounds like it's going to end up with a WORSE secnario for her and IF she still gets pre-natal care.

Per her age, she was 14 when this happened, and the AoC in VA is 18. So.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

Icon 1 posted      Profile for oOo Lea oOo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think I am with you on that one. Thanks for the comments [Wink]

I'll see what I can do, and fill you in on this later.

Thanks again!! [Smile]

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Activist
Member # 26647

Icon 1 posted      Profile for oOo Lea oOo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, Somehow the rumor got around school and soon around all of Winchester. Thankfully, no one knew it WAS true, and my parents didn't hear it. I told my grandmother yesterday, out of concern, because I was worried about them. I was afraid that Brianna may not listen to me, may hide it, and not get the care she needs.

My grandmother came to my boyfriends last night and told me that a few of my aunts and my cousin asked her if she was a great grandmother, she played it cool and laughed it off, ran to tell my brother that she heard a rumor and if it were true he'd better wake my mother up and tell her before some else does, and came to get me.

We convinced him to tell our parents, he did last night at 7:30, and Brianna told her dad around that time.

*Sigh* Thinks are okay. They were a little upset, but no screaming or yelling or blowing the roof completely off. They knew they couldn't change the situation and had to make the best of it. Her dad is "okay" with it as well. I'm not sure if her mom knows, but atleast things are out in the open. That makes me feel alittle at ease. I'm sure a lot of pressure has been lifted fromt them as well, considering everyone (except her mom so far) is being as supportive as they can be.

I think it has also made everyone else around a bit paranoid. My cousin is considering never loosing his "virginity" and my boyfriend had some very concerning questions about us and our relationship. He told me he didn't want to end up like my brother, and that it would completely ruin his life if that happened to us. I told him we were doing everything right: bc, condoms, annual screenings and ept's every few months (just to make sure) and I also told him that even though we are using two contraceptives, we can always check the condoms afterwards to see if there were any obvious breaks and if so I could go get EC. He was still a little worked up about it so we agreed to refrain from intercourse for a while, until his mind is at ease.

I was so glad that HE brought the discussion up. Usually he is so hesitant do that. It makes me feel so much better about this whole thing knowing that he can talk to me about it, and as easily as he did, considering he is really shy and has a difficult time opening up about anything serious.

I also asked him, though, that if this did happen to us, would he still be with me? Would we work through it? He said yea, he smiled. I knew he'd never abandon me, but just hearing him say it ... i can't explain how good that felt.

Anyway. . I guess it is somewhat okay to say . . Hey! I'm going to be an aunt! [Smile]

[ 04-28-2006, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: oOo Lea oOo ]

--------------------
And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?
Atreyu

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3