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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » i'm pregnant.

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Author Topic: i'm pregnant.
lostcat
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i got it confirmed this week, that i'm pregnant.

i'm 19, i'm a college freshman, and not my boyfriend nor i ever expected this to happen. i've been living with him for a while now, so we do have sex a lot, but i've been on the pill and i took it all the time. i still don't really understand how this happens.. i feel like we've been so careful, and i just don't deserve this.

obviously my boyfriend and i have talked a lot about this, and we've came to the conclusion that we're going to keep the baby. i've always been extremely pro-choice, and so has he, but it's so different when you're in the situation. i wouldn't be able to do an adoption, because i know i wouldn't be able to carry a child for 9 months and turn around and give it to someone else. i had a hard enough time giving away my cat's kittens last year, let alone my own child.

but truly, i'm really really scared. my boyfriend and i are very committed, so that part is okay, but i'm only 19 and i have so many plans for my life and now i feel like they've all been crushed because of this. i've always been a "good kid". i lost my virginity only a few months ago, to my boyfriend. my parents live in singapore, and are both incredibly conservative, and are going to a) never speak to me again, and b) have heart attacks when i tell them about this.

i'm so afraid. i can't imagine myself as a mother. at least not a traditional one. i'm afraid that people are going to expect me to morph into some domestic goddess now that i'm a mother.

i don't really know where this is going now, so ... if anyone has any encouraging stories about their pregnancies, tell me here, maybe? my doctor told me that i'm about 5 weeks along, if that makes any difference of what anyone is going to tell me...

i'm just really, really scared

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"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead


Posts: 73 | From: chicago, il, usa | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lucky1402
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Oh hun, I'm so sorry. Sometimes things happen that you don't expect or don't deserve. But it's definately not the end of world. Your dreams don't have to be crushed. And think of it this way- now you'll have a wonderful little new life to love. And it's good that you and you b/f are planning on keeping the baby. I'm sure it would be hard to give up or abort something that is a part of you. But I'm sure you can get through this even though it may seem bad. Your family and friends will always be there for you if you need help. It may be hard for your parents to grasp at first, but I'm sure they'll still love and support you. Keep your spirits up and don't stop working toward your dreams just because of set-back. I hope everything works out.

*HuGs*

------------------
*^Lucky^*
Come check out what's goin on in Lucky's mind!

"At one point we decided to fight fire with fire. Well...basically...your house burned even faster."

"Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."


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Heather
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Welcome to Scarleteen, Lostcat.

And hey -- welcome to being pregnant! Sounds like you've discovered what choice is really all about: we rarely know what's the right one for us until we're all in it.

Your plans do NOT have to be crushed because you have decided to have a child. That is unfortunately an idea people tend to propegate that is really only so true. Will some things be more challenging or difficult? Sure. Does that mean you can't do them? No way.

A good mother isn't a mother who follows a set role -- she's a person who does the best she can for herself and her child by whatever her own heart and mind dictates as the best and most beneficial. I know my mother didn't plan to get pregnant with me either, and she was younger than you were, but she not only did a great job with me, she's accomplished more things in her life so far than most people who didn't have children did.

You'll find a lot of support here from other young mothers, including one who runs the *best* site on the web for young mothers, and you should have a look there -- http://www.girlmom.com -- and at HipMama -- http://www.hipmama.com

Hang in there!

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


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Lin
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*huggles* sweetie.

Huge welcome to you and I think you will find that we have an excellent support group here.

And being pregnant isn't the end of the world as our wonderful teen moms will testify to.

So give us a shout if you need anything. We are all here for you sweetie.


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unhappykoger
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welcomet to the boards and congratulations!!! i wanted to tell you that your dreams do not have to be crushed because you are pregnant you can go ahead with all of the plans you had before it will just be more of a challenge. and just because you are a mother doesnt mean that you have to "morph into some domestic goddess", you are still you and can continue to always be you but now you will have added responsibility. you dont have to change your plans and dreams in life, and if your boyfriend is still with you you should be happy that he is going to go through this with you. you should be greatful for what you have. and dont worry so much everything will work out. tryst me i know i have 2 kids and i am only 19. so if you have any questions or concerns or just want to talk feel free to email me at any time. good luck with the baby.

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Siren
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Congratulations. I got pregnant when I was 15 and I was extremely scared. Sadly, I lost my baby to miscarriage, and that fact hurts me more than I can express. My only advice is to truly appreciate what you have been given. I really think you're extremely lucky to be able to have a baby, even if he/she came a little earlier than you anticipated. And even though you are scared now it sounds like you have a lot of support.

A lot of my friends had babies in high school and none of their lives were "ruined" by a new person coming into their lives. A lot of them went on to college, got careers, and are doing wonderful things with their lives. And all of them are different kinds of moms, there's no "right" kind of mom, you just be the best mom you know how to be. You'll do fine! And remember we are all here to help you through any problems or questions you have!

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Lil Siren


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lostcat
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thank you guys you people are really wonderful, supportive, and i wish all of the good things in the world on all of you

with that aside, i'm starting to adjust to being pregnant. my boyfriend is going to be a great father, and he helps me when i puke my guts out every morning. (doesn't that sound lovely?) i'm still scared, worried, and stressed, but it's starting to ease a bit. i'm working on quitting smoking, since i'm a moderate smoker and i know that is a MUST. i'm trying the method of having something in my mouth- lollipops, gum, that sort of thing. i haven't had a cigarette now in about 14 hours, and yes, i do feel like i'm dying. but i feel a driving force telling me to quit, it's not just for my own benefit, it's for someone elses. in addition to quitting smoking, i'm trying to make my diet better. i'm adding a lot of fruits and vegetables, because i know that a baby probably needs a lot more than ramen noodles and chocolate

i still haven't worked up the nerve to tell my parents yet. we told my boyfriend's parents over last week, and while they weren't exactly thrilled about the impending news, they didn't exactly die either. i'm getting the feeling that they're going to be very supportive throughout this, they're both very very dear people and like me- and have money to help us out. (i feel horrible saying that. it's like i EXPECT other people to support me for a mistake i made. it's just that i do see them helping us out, temporarily.. that's all.) i've told a few close friends, and they were surprised, but they said that they are going to help out with babysitting when my boyfriend and i are both at class or work, so that will be a HUGE help. how i'm going to confront my parents about it still remains a mystery...

in all, i'm not as scared as i was. my dream has always been to become a professor of either art or sociology at a large university, and i KNOW that i can do it. it will be harder. but just like lucky said, i'll have a new life to love on my path to accomplishing it

i'm excited at the same time as i'm completely scared. it's a weird mix of emotions, really.

thank you guys *hugs around*

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"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead


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Skittles
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When I became pregnant in 1999, I thought my world was over. I was 16 at the time and believed all the horrible 'welfare teenage mother' stories. I thought that was the end of the road. All my dreams of graduating and going to university were crushed.

With much support from friends and family I pulled myself together. I'm now 18 years old, and I have 10 month old twins. I have a steady part-time job, and I will be graduating high school this year. I've been accepted to a university in my city, and I have full intentions on going. I've got my own appartment lined up at the begining of next month. I am stable and I'll be out on my own.

I've definatly had some tough times, but I'd like to think I've done well so far. There's no way I could have done it without help, and I have a long ways to go yet, but I'm on my way there...

I guess you have to be really determined. I have a big problem with people who assume all young mothers will end up on social assistance for the rest of their lives, and not finish their schooling. Or that we can't take care of our children.

Nobody can ever make you give up your dreams. If you are determained enough, and you work hard, it will all be okay in the end.

Best of luck to you!

------------------
Peace, love, empathy
Melissa


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Lin
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I'm very glad things seem to be going reasonable okay for you sweetie.

And that's what we are here for. To offer you our support. *hugs*

But I think it would be wise if you told your parents soon. The longer you wait, the more anxious you get.

Gd luck honey.


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lostcat
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so, i told my parents. as expected, i wasn't exactly greeted an aura of with optimism. my mom cried, and my dad kept saying (and i quote) "you're such a good kid, how can you mess it all up like this?" then i started crying... because i was so upset and stressed out and i know i don't need to be getting like that when i'm pregnant.

i don't think i'm going to be able to do this. i'm a little girl. i'm a full time student at a prestigious university with a terrifying workload- i'm never never going to be able to handle it when the baby comes. i'm going to go through this pregnancy stressed out and miserable. i've been so stressed lately i can't eat a thing, which i know is horrible.

there is a part of me that wants to keep this baby desperately. but there's another part that tells me to be sensible and have an abortion before it's too late, so i can resume to my plans of not having a child for at least another 10 years.

i just don't know what to do.

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"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead


Posts: 73 | From: chicago, il, usa | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time with this, lostcat.

What I can add that might help you are the questions I've put to myself before in making this choice. I know in asking them of myself and really being honest about the answers, I felt they helped me come to the best decision I could.

I hope they help some. Here goes, as I can recall:

1) Do I want a child in my life -- regardless of good timing or bad, because there usually is no perfect timing -- and can I welcome one into my life wholly?

2) Can I sustain the both of us over the next 20 years reasonably?

3) If I feel I might resent a child for making some current goals of my life either impossible, or simply put far in the future, how deep might that resentment lie? Could I manage to feel it and not affect a child with it?

4) What goals do I want for me, and what goals do I want for my child or family? Can I find a way to make them work right now if I have a child this time?

5) Would having a child right now ultimately benefit it most?

6) Do I want to have a child right now for the child him/herself, or because I feel guilt or obligation?

I know those helped, as did talking to a counselor at an abortion clinic. Since you're in Chicago, if you need a resource, I can refer you to a few I recall from when I was there. If so, just email me (heather@scarleteen.com).

Ultimately, in my situation (the one time I had a medical abortion), I only discovered after the fact that I could not have brought my pregnancy to term anyway, but I'm very glad I didn't know that and had to make my choices without that information.

I hope these help you.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


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lostcat
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I e-mailed you, Miz S.

------------------
"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead


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Rizzo
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Yikes, lostcat. Your story really scared me, because your situation seems so similar to mine. I'm 19, in first year at a fairly respected university. I live with my boyfriend, I'm on the pill, and I consider myself a "good girl"... and I feel like getting pregnant could never happen to me. Thanks for reminding me that it could.
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Kat-LM
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Hey,
LC I totaly understand I was raped and had to face the simalar situation, but I made it through and you can too. I was feeling the same way you were at first but I realized that My child deserved a chance. I am not trying to make up your mind for you. Just think carefully. And you CAN do anything you want! DO NOT give up! I am here for ya!

Ps how is the smoking going?


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lostcat
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thank you again guys, especially heather

i read heather's questions she posted over and over. i analyzed them, i ripped them apart, i literally had them in shreds to their barest point. i printed them out and my boyfriend and i discussed them dusk to dawn one night. and we made a decision: i'm keeping the baby.

i can say i feel comfortable with it. like i've said, i'm very pro-choice, i just didn't think it was the best decision for me. my thoughts are now shifting to finding a larger apartment for the three of us, thinking about taking a good deal of time off school, and of course, baby furniture/clothes/whatnot. The thought that there is this growing mass of cells in me.. this miniscule little person that is completely dependent on me.. it's just completely overwhelming. If I said I wasn't scared right now, I'd be lying.

I just have so many conflicting emotions right now. I'm scared to death of what's all going to happen, how it's all going to work out. At the same time, I keep having these dreams of my baby's face and I'm thinking about everything we'll do.. and, well, wow.

------------------
"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead


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alaska
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Lostcat, honey, we'll all be there for you throughout this. Big big promise. If there is anything we can do to help, just reach out, we'll be just a click away.

*huggles* and *lots and lots of energy your way*
You can do this gal, I am absolutely sure.

Alaska


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Lin
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Oh *huggles* honey. That must not have been an easy decision to make but we are all here for you every step of the way.

And yes, lots of positive energy is being sent your way now.


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Kat-LM
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Hey LC, I am really glad you made a choice before it was too late. I am always here for you. If you need me I am just a click away. Ok. Well time is tickin',so stay strong and you will win.
And how far along are you now?

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Mary
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Hey, Lostcat. I just wanted to let you know how proud of you I am for trying to do well for yourself and coming to the decision that is right for you. I'm sure it wasn't easy telling your parents, but I'm glad you did! That took guts, girl. And I'm so happy that you're not giving up on your dreams. Take care, and keep us updated on the pregnancy. Good luck! :::Huggles:::

~Mary

------------------
"Honey, whose car is that in our driveway?"

"It's yours, Frank."

"It IS, isn't it?"


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Siren
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*HUGS* I'm glad you made a decision and are happy with it. I think if you are willing to take on the challenge of being a parent, it can turn out to be such a rewarding experience. I know you're scared now, but you can do it, and we're all here to support you!

If you're looking for some added support, go here

Wishing you lots and lots of luck and happiness!

------------------
Lil Siren
-Scarleteen Advocate
"What kind of paradise am I looking for? I've got everything I want, and still I want more...."- Ani


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lostcat
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thank you guys

i want my first trimester to be finished with so bad. i've heard most morning sickness subsides by the end, which will definately be a nice thing.. mine has been EVIL, and while ginger was helping it for a while, it doesn't seem to help anymore. my waistline is definately thickening, i'm getting heavier, and i'm moody as almighty hell. i mean- my emotions over everything are completely all over the place. i'm basically a lot more.. weepy than usual. i'm also making an incredible amount of trips to the bathroom. (which i've had since the very beginning.. it was one of the first signs to me that i was pregnant)

other than that stuff, i'm alright. i'm on a mission to find cute pregnancy clothes (is that an oxymoron?) i had my boyfriend take quite a few pictures of my not-yet-enlarged stomach, which should be interesting to look at in a few months

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"i need to wash myself again to hide all the dirt and pain, 'cos i'd be scared that there's nothing underneath"- radiohead


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alaska
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Hi lost, oh, you poor gal how long is it until your third trimester is over? Sounds like you indeed are getting the full deal "side effect" wise.

In regards to pregnancy clothing: do you guys have "Hennes" in the US? It's a good prieced (aka pretty cheap) swedish clothing company (they usually have very big shops) and they have a large pregnancy clothing line called "MAMA" with very pretty stuff that doesn't look too old fashioned or like you want to hide your bump.

The photo thing sounds great, gal, is a full photo documentation planned?

*sending lots of energy your way*
Alaska

Footnote: I just had a look at the hennes website (http://www.hm.com), and while they do have shops in the US, only in NY, NJ and MA. Bummer.

[This message has been edited by Alaska (edited 05-05-2001).]


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