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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » parent living with parents

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Author Topic: parent living with parents
Traylaytheus
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I am 17 yrs old and i have an 11 month old son. I honestly thought I was doing a good job at being his mother. I mean i managed to graduate highschool before I turned 17 while taking care of him. And now I am in college. every once in a while my mom will babysit for me to have a bit of a social life. But it is sooo hard living with her while she still tries to raise me while i raise my son. She is always telling me that I am doing a bad job at taking care of him. (which i don't think i am) but she makes me feel guilty. And sometimes she gives him things that don't think that she should be giving him.for example she gives him chips and mountain dew. But i find it hard to tell her not to do that because she is still my mom and still has a right to tell me what to do. And when i try to say something she thinks i am disrespecting her. any advice on how to make talking to her easier?

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TrAyLaYtHeUs


Posts: 8 | From: Yukon, Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If it's any consolation, I don't know a single parent who didn't go through this to some degree with their own parents, whether or not they were living with them. Many, many grandparents are very critical about their childrens parenting, and most of them don't even realize they're doing it, or that they're overstepping their boundaries.

That given, I'd simply ask you Mom for some time together to talk, and let her know as gently as possible that while her help enables you to be able to parent your child, and do other things in your life, and you're grateful, it's also really important that you're able to find your own parenting style, and that the things you choose for your child -- like not drinking soda! -- are things you really need her support on so that you can do the best parenting you can, and so that your child doesn't get so many miixed messages.

Despite your situation, it is your right to parent as works for you, and as to what you see as best for your child. You may also simply want to make sure that she understands that part of the arrangement with you still living there is NOT that you give up your decisions for your child in exchange for room and board.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
unhappykoger
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i had a post on here a long time ago about the same thing. i am still dealing with it a little though. but i had to eventually tell my mom and mother in law to respect me when it comes to my baby. but do they listen? no. so good luck with everything and i hope it ges better.
Posts: 365 | From: dayton,ohio,u.s.a. | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aria51
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I feel your pain. I live with my mother, and we have a LOT of power struggles over what is and isn't good for my son. Most of these are over food.

What I ended up doing was having my son's doctor make a list of specific things Evan can and can't have, and bought a book about baby nutrition with a similar list in it. We keep these lists posted on the fridge. If someone wants to give Evan something, all I have to say is "Check the list!" and if the thing isn't on the list, Evan cannot have it. This is extremely important to me because the eating habits children pick up now are the eating habits they will have to struggle with their entire lives. Evan has an extremely developed taste for fruits and vegetables, and this paves the way for healthy eating when he's older.

You're completely right in thinking your child doesn't need to be consuming chips and Mountain Dew. And while she is your mother, *you* are your child's mother, and *you* have every right to make all of the decisions for *your* child. Make this clear to your mother in a gentle fashion -- that you will obey her rules while you are in her house, but you expect her to respect your rules for your son in exchange. When the time comes for you and your son to move on and be on your own, your son will need to know who makes the rules for him and who the authority is. This should also come up when you talk to your mother.

So, like Miz S said, talk to her. And come back and talk to us if you need us.


Posts: 1287 | From: Missouri | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Traylaytheus
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thank you all for the advice. i will try to talk to her asap.

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TrAyLaYtHeUs


Posts: 8 | From: Yukon, Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Traylaytheus
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well i tried to talk to her. And she Gave me a huge guilt trip about bringing it up in the first place. She told me that I should be greatful and that i shouldn't bring it up again. well I havn't. Right now I am concentrating on getting out of this house. That really seems all that i can do. And unfortunatly its something that i cant do right now. because i am not 18 yet and if i try to get emancipated it will bring up alot of unwanted conflict. WHAT AM I TO DO!!!!!!!!
i am extremly frustrated. And i find it very hard to just have a civilized conversation with my mom. So i have been pretty much avoiding her. please help me.

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TrAyLaYtHeUs


Posts: 8 | From: Yukon, Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PoetgirlNY
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Actually, even if you don't know it yet, you might already be emancipated. In New York, once you have a child, you are officially emancipated, without even having to apply for it. You become emancipated once you are pregnant. The law works this way specifically so that pregnant and parenting teens can make their own decisions for their dependents. Not sure if this is the whole country, or just New York.

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"I'll be a Venus on a chocolate clamshell rising on a sea of marshmallow foam."
-Hedwig

[This message has been edited by PoetgirlNY (edited 03-04-2002).]


Posts: 1101 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Traylaytheus
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I thought it was different from state to state. where could i get the information on it for oklahoma?
Posts: 8 | From: Yukon, Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kite
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Hmm, Poet, are you sure? http://www.supportguidelines.com/articles/art200008.html

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-Jill
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That link is for when parents are no longer obligated to pay child support. The question at hand is actually when are *children* no longer obligated to remain with their parents.

[Thanks for the link though Kite, it answered a personal question that I hadn't gotten around to looking up yet.]

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There is a time and a place for everything.

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Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kite
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Ah, yes, ookuotoe, you are right. Sorry about that. I can't find a reference to what Poet was talking about, though (I'm curious ). It'd be great if someone pointed me to it.
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Traylaytheus
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thank you sooooo much that link answered my question. But now that i know that do you guys think that i should go ahead and move out or should i give it another try with my mom?

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TrAyLaYtHeUs


Posts: 8 | From: Yukon, Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aria51
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I'd say you should try once more to work things out with your mother. If things don't work out with her, are you able to move in with another relative of yours?

I'm just saying this because I know that support can help when raising a child -- but a lack of support can make it extremely difficult. If you cannot find the kind of support you need from your mother or another relative, and you feel you are ready to give it a go on your own, then more power to you! Good luck with whatever you do.


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Traylaytheus
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thats my problem. Im not ready to move out. and all my family members all have their own problems that i know i couldn't stay with any of them unless i go to arizona. and arizona is kinda far from oklahoma. So i guess i really have no choice but to stay. I just don't know how to make things better between my mom and i.

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TrAyLaYtHeUs


Posts: 8 | From: Yukon, Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Aria51
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A moderated conversation between you and your mother might help things along. Talk to your school counsoler and say that you are having some problems at home. See if your counsoler will sit down with you and your mother to set boundaries, or refer you to a family therapist.
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lemming
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I'm totally with Aria on this. I haven't been in your exact situation, but I had a hell year in high school my junior year, and I couldn't say one word to my parents or them to me without it being a HUGE screaming crying mess.

We went to a very nice therapist who basically taught us how to talk to each other calmly, but the first few sessions were better simply because there was someone else there to moderate.

Find a school counselor, a therapist, heck, even an adult friend of the family to sit down with you guys before you give up.

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~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

"Years ago, I was an angry young man/I'd pretend that I was a billboard/Standing tall by the side of the road/I fell in love with the beautiful highway..."-Talking Heads, "(Nothing but) Flowers"


Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Just as a note, I do not know of laws regarding emancipation which state that should a minor become pregnant they are automatically afforded the rights of a legal adult.

I'd highly suggest you take the route Aria has suggested.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Traylaytheus
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that seems to be my only option. now all i have to do is find someone. I don't know that they have a counselor for things like this at the college but i'll look into it. I don't know why i didn't think of that myself. maybe the stress had something to do with it. But that doesn't really matter now. Thank you guys for all of your opinions i really appreciate it.

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TrAyLaYtHeUs


Posts: 8 | From: Yukon, Oklahoma, United States | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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