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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Article Input from Teen/Young Moms

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Author Topic: Article Input from Teen/Young Moms
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hey folks. In case you don't know, I'm in the middle of a major revamp for this site, which will include a new reproduction section.

One of the things which I would like to have there is an article with the opinions of all of you for other teens like we see posting here who think they want to/are ready to have a baby right now. I want to be sure it isn't simply scare tactics or the Big No, but something very honest and very real that others could look at when they're making these kinds of choices.

That given, below are some questions I'd like to ask you. You can either answer them here, or you can simply email them to me (heather@scarleteen.com). Please include your age, and whatever name you'd like your answers to be attributed to -- it can be your real first name, or one you make up, up to you). Thanks in advance!

1) How old were you when you had your baby/babies?

2) Was your pregnancy intentional (on purpose) or accidental? Can you briefly describe the situation (in terms of your relationship, state of mind, etc) in which you became pregnant?

3) If it was intentional, what were you expecting? How different was it in reality than what your original expectations were?

4) If it was accidental, what birth control method failed (or note if you didn't use one and why)? How did being pregnant and rearing a child differ from your original expecations?

5) Is the father of your baby still around? Does he provide adequate financial support readily and support in rearing your children?

6) If the father of your child is not around, what happened? When did he leave?

7) Have you found enough emotional support both during your pregnancy and now that you are a young parent? Do you feel that the people and organizations around you have been generally supportive all through the process or not? If at any point you found people stopped being supportive, when did that happen?

8) How has your life changed -- both for better and for worse?

9) Have your goals changed? Have you still been able to reach some of your goals (or all of them)? What challenges have you faced?

10) How does having a child change your own identity, both in terms of how you define yourself, and in terms of how you perceive others as seeing you?

11) How do you make ends meet financially, especially if you are in school? Who provides all the care for your child in terms of day care, babysitting, etc?

12) Though I'm sure most of you love your children immensely, and wouldn't trade them in for the world, what would you have done differently, if you could do it all over?

I think that's good to start with. Again, thanks for your help.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
unhappykoger
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I was 14 when i got pregnant the first time, I was 15 when my son was born. I got pregnant at 17 and had my daughter at 18. Neither pregnancy was intentional, although I would not call them accidents either. I was not using any kind of protection or birth control at all. With my son the father told me that he didnt liks to use condoms and I was afraid to talk to my mom about getting birth control. the father said that he would be there no matter what happened. I believed him. Then I got pregnant.I
I expected to have a husband, a full time job, graduate college, have a house, a car and money in savings. The typical dream for a person. I wanted my children to have everything they needed and wanted. Now we have everything we need but we get a lot of help from family and friends. If it wasnt for friends and family my kids would not have a whole lot. My husband and I suffer the way it is for them to have what they need.

My sons father was never a big part of my sons life. He left my son when he was 2 years old. He has not asked about him, sent him anything, or came by to see him even though he is very close. He does not pay child support now, nor has he ever in the last four years. When the guy left my son he left becasue of me. He cheated on me and I broke up with him. If he couldnt be with me he wanted nothing to do with our son.

My daughters father had taken on responsibility for my son. He loves him unconditionally and is going to adopt him very soon. My son and daughter could not ask for a better father, he is great. Thankfully my family and friends have always been supportive of me. Although there are alot of people that used to be called my friends that I havent seen since the baby, but the ones that mattered, my true friends, are still there for me.

It seems as thought the public wants all teen mothers to get an abortion or give the baby up for adoption. I decided not to do that and by the public, along with other young parents, I am being put down and called a bad mother and other horrible names. I know that it is not true that just because you have children young that you are a bad parent or a bad person. I am a good mother. I am a better person becasue of my children.

I do wish that I would have finished highschool and college before I had a baby, but I cannot go back now. All I can do is go on with my life and finish my education. Currently i am an at home mom and my husband works full time. I am enrolled to go to school in the fall to get a degree in mental health. I waited this long to go to school by choice, I wanted to be with my children while they are young. As for my husband , we dont know when he will get to go to school. I am a very dedicated and goal oriented person, and my children made that possible for me. It is very hard to make the payments on our monthly bills alot of times and keep food in the house. We have had to borrow money from family to get by. We need another car but that is not possible right now, because my children have to have clothes and we try to save money for them.

I love my children and my husband with all of my heart, but being 19 with a 4 year old, a 1 year old, and a husband is very demanding and very hard. I am stressed most of the time and just want to run away. I love being around them but i need a break sometimes. My husband and I only get time together when the grandparents take the children. But that is not often because they have lives of their own.

If i could take anything back, I would have waited to have children until I was married with a house and everything else that I need to provide a good life for my children. That way my children would have the same father and i know that my son would not have to go through this adoption. Also i would be able in every way to take care of them. I do the best I can and thankfully my husband is here to help me. I know that I can get through anything because of him. But I will tell you this, you should wait until you know that you are ready in every possible way to get pregnant. If not you may later look back and regret alot of your desicions. Think about you teenage years, because if you dont you will later. By then it will be too late.

Im am happy to share my story with all of you, and i hope that if you are thinking about becoming a teenage mother you will reconsider. Think about yourself, your family, your education, and most of all the child or children that would be involved.


Sincerely,
A Loving Mother And Wife


Posts: 365 | From: dayton,ohio,u.s.a. | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
concubine
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1)I was 16 years old when I got pregnant, and 17 when I had my daughter.

2/4)My pregnancy was kind of a mixture of intentional and accidental. We were completely careless with condoms, and I wasn't on the pill. So we knew something like this could happen, but I guess we weren't directly thinking about it. I was in a very happy relationship of almost a year, but hated my home life immensely. It may have been me trying to find a way out.

5) Yes my babys father is still around, infact, we're getting married soon. He provides everything we (Myself AND the baby) need. He buys all the diapers and the wipes and the food and the toys.. He's also a fantastic father, he loves her like she's the only thing in the world and spends all the extra time he can with her.

7) I got much more support while I was pregnant. Once you *have* the kid, people are much more "Its yours, deal with it". It made things really hard at first, but I guess I've kind of gotten used to it, so I try not to ask for too much help from people that act like that. While I was pregnant though everyone cared about what was going on and how I was doing (physically and emotionally) and they were there to cry on.

8) After I went on maternity leave, and came back, well, a mom.. I really don't have any of the same friends I used to. Most of my old friends are out being teenagers or trying not to be adults, while, here I am caring for another human life. IMost of my new friends are also teen mothers and are people that I have a lot in common with. We still go out once a week (My fiancee and I) for a movie or dinner or a concert, and leave the baby with her grandmother for a few hours, but its NOTHING like we used to. Every weekend, we'd be somewhere just to sleep, and other than that we were always going out to dinner, going out with friends.. Everything.

9) I had to give up the idea of NYU in my near future. I wasn't going to get a full scholarship, and its $25,000/semester, not to mention being in NEW YORK. Before the baby I knew I could go if I really wanted to and worked my *** off, but now.. I have to think about her, and what I'd be subjecting her to there. I've had to change my plans quite a bit. I still plan on going to college, but it will be a community college and then a transfer to a 4 year university. My goals may take longer and have to be worked harder for, but they'll be accomplished.

10) I can't stand completely irresponsible people anymore. It didn't bother me before, I'd just say they were stupid teenagers, being stupid teenagers, no big deal. Now, I'm worried about how things are going in the world biy how they'll affect my daughter growing up. I'm more into politics because that decides a lot of my childs future.. I'm much more judgemental than I used to be.. I also have changed a lot. I'm tyring to be mom. Thats all there really is right now. She's still at an age where she is pretty much defenseless (not counting the talons of doom - her fingernails)..

11) My faincee thankfully has a great job, and we are living with his parents. We wont be able to move out until summer, and even then if I don;t work parttime, we wont be able to do ANYTHING outside of the house. Since I go to an alternative high school, they have night programs along with day programs, and I go 6pm-8:30pm M-T-W.. Plus having to do at least 18 hours of homework every week. She can stay with either her father, or her grandmother.

12)I do love my child more than anything in the world and I couldn't give her up if I tried.. But i wish I would have waited. I would have liked to wait 5 years.. I would have been 21/22, almost done with college, having a steady job, know what its like to be an adult before I had to be one. I was almost out of my teenage years, but having one even at 17, cuts off any slice of party time you want. It cuts off your social life. EVERYTHING is the baby. You can't be selfish very much. You have to worry about what the baby needs before yourself. Its not easy, and sometimes you don't enjoy it. Screaming all night happens sometimes, 2 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period happens sometimes. You have to juggle school, baby (and for some) work.. I couldn't even imagine doing it with child support. Without her father here, I don't think I'd be able to handle it. This is HARD. And though I love her more than anyone else and I don't ever want to see her grow up and move away, I would have liked to wait a few years longer.

--nicole


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antonio99
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unhappykoger...

your story was... was touching. I'm glad Miz Scarlet posted this message. ANd I'm also grateful that you have told some people here about what happened to you. I'm sorry to hear about your son's father running away and not giving you support.

I can tell how hard it is at times to take care of children and the need to have breaks.

I just really want to say: you really touched me. I have a friend who has a daughter of 3 yrs and she is now 18 and graduated high school last year. She is doing fine.

I never considered her a bad mother or anything negative... all I ever wanted to talk about was talking about how strong she was in making complicated choices. And that how much she has put up her friendship with me when we were little.

There's a lot I want to say to her, but I just don't know how. She's my friend and I love her dearly even though we're just getting to know each other.

Antonio99
P.S. Why the name: Unhappykoger ? You should be happy about telling this story and I'm glad you did.


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antonio99
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concubine,

i liked your story too. I like your last part. Your last answer to question number 12 that miz scarlet posted.

Maybe i'm beginning to understand teenage mothers but there's a lot I want to learn from them. I have a friend, like I told you all, and there are so many things i like to talk to her about, but like I said...
i don't want to upset her or get so personal unless she wants to.

Anyways, life does teach you a lesson. You regretted that you had more time before raising a baby of your own. But choices are choices, and I believe you have become a very good mother.

I'm not sure if my friend feels that way too... but there's so much I want to say.

Antonio99


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unhappykoger
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i chose my name because at the time i was very depressed all the time and always fighting with my husband. since then it has changed a lot and now i would not consider myself unhappy. my last name is Koger.

------------------
fairykoger@hotmail.com

http://www.angelfire.com/oh2/koger


Posts: 365 | From: dayton,ohio,u.s.a. | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
antonio99
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unhappy koger...

i guess everyone has their fair share of unhappy times. Fighting with husbands and all...

I hope you're doing fine and that you're living well.

Antonio99


Posts: 208 | From: Tennessee | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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