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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I need help and I need to vent. (Page 2)

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Author Topic: I need help and I need to vent.
Robin Lee
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Was your ex-girlfriend your first partner?

--------------------
Robin

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
Was your ex-girlfriend your first partner?

Yes
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Heather
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quote:
What's worse is I know I'll never be able to trust anyone enough for a relationship ever again. At the very least, if I was able to get to a point where I'd even be willing to try, I'd be suspicious of everything. I could never subject anyone to that, it would be cruel.
I'm going to inject something personal in the hope it might help.

You know, I remember that feeling. Sweet jaysis, I remember that feeling. When I was 16, my first big-big love killed themselves. Very violently, with terrible timing (not as if there is good timing, but it really was as bad as it gets), I saw some of the carnage...let's just sum up and say it was beyond devastating.

And that feeling you just expressed? Months after I finally accepted that person wasn't magically coming back, that's the one big thing I was really left with for a while, and it was awful. Don't know that I can compare the loss of that person to the loss of that possibility of love, they both felt huge, but that feeling I had lost that possibility was gargantuan.

It did take me a while before I could get past that, too, and a while before I could have relationships where that person wasn't a ghost in them, where I wasn't worried people I cared about would drop dead without warning at any minute. If I look back and when I really started getting my shit back together in that regard and was really able to engage in relationships, I'd say it took about five years before I had something of a hold on it; longer to be a lot better.

But it happened. It's not the same, I know, but they're both big losses with first loves, so it kind of is, I think.

So, what did I do? Well, for starters, I let myself grieve for a long time. I also got help: a really great therapist was willing to see me pro bono. I took a few busses to get to her once a week, I called her when I needed to. I leaned on friends and ditched the friends that I couldn't lean on, who weren't supportive. My Dad was super-amazing. I accepted that I was going to be lost for a while and let myself get lost now and then. I threw myself into parts of my life I could put a lot of energy and passion and feeling into. I also fought pretty hard against being stuck in hopelessness and grief when it was clear I was stuck.

Too, I get looking for hat you did. Boy howdy, did I do that: what did or didn't I do. I had to learn to let that go. I also had to learn to stop visualizing what I saw and stop visualizing what I knew happened but I didn't actually see.

I do think some of those things would help you, and I do think -- as we've mentioned before -- that if you stay in the place where you won't seek out help in person you probably are going to stay stuck, or at least have all of this drag on a lot longer than it will otherwise. Same goes with the letting go of a whole lot of things. I know it's freaking hard, I really do. But if we keep hanging on to something, then we can't be surprised when it isn't going away, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Robin Lee
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in regards to seeking help, I did want to reiterate that there are free and low cost counselling services out there. I'm not sure if you're still in college or not, but if you are, there many colleges have counselling services.

--------------------
Robin

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Ketrel
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I don't know what to say.

And it's not that I don't want to seek out help in person. It's that I don't have anywhere to turn to do to so.

To my knowledge, there are not any free or low cost services near me. I can't afford to use a paid service. I'm close to 200k in student loan debt with no degree, so I'm not making much money. What I have goes to the loans, so my parents and grandparents who co-signed don't lose their house.

I already explained I can't tell anyone other than I did because I already saw her lose a friend over this, I can't risk causing that to happen more.


If I didn't want help, I wouldn't be here. I just don't have anywhere to get it other than anonymously.

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Heather
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What if we could find a free or low-cost service near you. Would you check it out?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
What if we could find a free or low-cost service near you. Would you check it out?

As long as they're open on weekends and can keep things completely anonymous.
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Heather
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Counseling always involves protections of your privacy. I can't speak for hours, since that varies, but I'd also hope if something was available that would help that wasn't open weekends, you could find a little flexibility yourself.

If you don't mind either posting or emailing (you can use the link to contact us near the bottom of the page) a zip code, I'm happy to do a little digging for you tomorrow.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Counseling always involves protections of your privacy. I can't speak for hours, since that varies, but I'd also hope if something was available that would help that wasn't open weekends, you could find a little flexibility yourself.

If you don't mind either posting or emailing (you can use the link to contact us near the bottom of the page) a zip code, I'm happy to do a little digging for you tomorrow.

Flexibility in times isn't possible due to my job and the commute unless they're open late 8pm or later. I started in April and I'm not eligible for personal days until I've been there a year.

If there is something I can do to get help, I don't think I can wait another year. This is really destroying me. I'm beginning to get bad dreams about it. Not nightmares as they're not scary or terrifying, but I'm waking up in tears from them due to the contents.

I'll email the zip code. I'll include my username in the subject line.

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Heather
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So, looking around, I think the best place to start would be here, which provides mental health services for your county on a sliding scale: http://www.co.somerset.nj.us/hservices/rhmhc/index.html

I would call the number for them and see if you can't arrange a time for an intake assessment, where you can ask about their hours and services. And in the case this won't work for you, they also seem like the folks most likely to be connected to other services to refer you out well if need be.

Their assessment center, specifically, is open until 7 on weekdays, so you may have to make a tiny bit of wiggle room to get there for something like a 6:30 appointment, but that really should be doable. People have doctors appointments sometimes, after all.

Their numbers for intake assessments are: (908) 253-3165, or, toll free 1-888-744-4417.

[ 06-01-2012, 10:32 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
So, looking around, I think the best place to start would be here, which provides mental health services for your county on a sliding scale: http://www.co.somerset.nj.us/hservices/rhmhc/index.html

I would call the number for them and see if you can't arrange a time for an intake assessment, where you can ask about their hours and services. And in the case this won't work for you, they also seem like the folks most likely to be connected to other services to refer you out well if need be.

Their assessment center, specifically, is open until 7 on weekdays, so you may have to make a tiny bit of wiggle room to get there for something like a 6:30 appointment, but that really should be doable. People have doctors appointments sometimes, after all.

Their numbers for intake assessments are: (908) 253-3165, or, toll free 1-888-744-4417.

Does a sliding scale mean it's what I should be able to pay or what I actually can pay? Or does it have to do with the severity of the issue?
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Onionpie
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Hi Ketrel. Sliding scale means that you only have to pay whatever you can realistically afford. So if you can't afford to pay much, you won't have to pay much [Smile]
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Ketrel
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I will see about making an appointment, though, sadly it won't be possible for quite some time. My job is new, I can't afford to try for any time off yet. I'm still in the probationary period for at least another month.

I have bookmarked that page to use as soon as I am able though.

I was really hoping to find something that helped quickly due to the dreams it's been causing. They're really unpleasant and I hate waking up from them in the state they cause. I didn't expect text to help, but I was still hoping.

[ 06-03-2012, 02:56 AM: Message edited by: Ketrel ]

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Robin Lee
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One other option might be to call their number and ask if they know of any services that offer counselling on the weekends.

IN terms of your job, I completely understand that making sure you don't lose it is of primary importance. Unfortunatley, there are many employers who are subhumanly inflexible! At the same time, asking what you would need to do to get a little time off for an appointment shouldn't get you fired. Perhaps you could ask a coworker to just get a feel for the overall culture around these things? And no, you don't have to say it's a counselling appointment. [Smile]

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Robin

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by Robin Lee:
One other option might be to call their number and ask if they know of any services that offer counselling on the weekends.

IN terms of your job, I completely understand that making sure you don't lose it is of primary importance. Unfortunatley, there are many employers who are subhumanly inflexible! At the same time, asking what you would need to do to get a little time off for an appointment shouldn't get you fired. Perhaps you could ask a coworker to just get a feel for the overall culture around these things? And no, you don't have to say it's a counselling appointment. [Smile]

I can call and ask about the weekend thing, but the reason for not getting time off is not due to any inflexibility. I'm still in my initial probationary period at this job. If I request any time off for anything other than violent contagious illness, I most likely will lose my job.
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Ketrel
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My mind is being really cruel to me. I'm having a recurring dream now. I'm sitting with her. The place changes, but she then begins describing that night in detail, and then explaining why it was ok because of how much she hated me the whole time. [Frown]

[ 06-04-2012, 09:47 PM: Message edited by: Ketrel ]

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Heather
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Ketrel: did you call that center and ask about your options yet?

Obviously, this is really getting to a crisis point for you, so I'd strongly suggest you figure you need to come at it like a crisis and seek out some crisis care.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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I couldn't get the time or money to do so. I'm just going to have to live with this. I'll find some way to suppress it until I can at least appear happy to the people around me.
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Redskies
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Ketrel, given that you find yourself unable to access outside help at the moment, would you be open to hearing suggestions for how some people might express some hard feelings just for themself? Suppressing feelings tends not to be a very healthy route for most people.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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Ketrel
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I never shoot down anything without reason. If I had the money and the time, I would be going to someone for help. If there's something that can help, I'm up for it.

That being said, it doesn't get better, ever. Tuesday was the 2 year mark of when she cheated on me the first time. I'm in terrible condition, but I'm outstanding at hiding it. Nobody around me can tell. A smile and a laugh and everyone's fooled.

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Onionpie
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Hi Ketrel. I wanted to be honest and let you know that I'm not sure there's much else we can do for you here. We aren't qualified counsellors, which is why we have referred you out to in-person help (and also just because getting help in-person is a lot more useful than on-line).

Since you say you are unable to get any sort of in-person counselling, and none of the suggestions any of our staff, volunteers, or users have made seem to help you, I'm kind of at a loss for what you're looking for here.

We are absolutely here to be a support, but only as a part of a larger support system. Because of the nature of our organization we really can't be a primary support system for anyone. And since you are unable to find any in-person support, either professionally or just within your social group, there's not much else we can offer right now other than encouraging you to seek different possibilities for that in-person support.

So again, we would really like to help, but we're also very much at a loss for what kind of thing you're looking for here. Have you worked out yet what it is we could do to help?

[ 08-26-2012, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Ketrel
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I was actually hoping Redskies would follow up on what they were mentioning.
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WorriedGirl11
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Would anyone mind if I added some things?

First of all- I'm not sure how it works in the US, but in Ireland, there are 70 free clinics that give counselling for people suffering in the same kind of ways as you do. I have friends in the US currently in counselling; I'll be sure to ask them about these services, but if you want to know sooner, you could always pop into a pharmacy. Most offer free consultations, and you could tell them how low you've been feeling and your financial issues, and they might be able to provide you with a solution of sorts.

Places such as these: http://www.sccc-la.org/
and http://nycfreeclinic.med.nyu.edu/ are known to be quite helpful and free of charge!

Next- I read above that it's only been a month since this relationship ended, is that true? If so, I think it's very, very early to be hoping to be completely happy after this, especially if you were in love with her. People take their own time to grieve relationships and suppressing feelings, or even pretending to be okay in front of other people, often doesn't help. You need to acknowledge fully what happened and face it head on. Your ex cheated, yes, and she probably won't ever admit it- but she doesn't need to for you to get closure. You can give yourself closure and peace of mind by completely cutting off communication with her, and using different things to vent frustration- like something artistic. You could even write a letter to her you don't intend to send, detailing your feelings about the relationship and how it ended, and it might help you to feel a little better.

Just trying to help. My mum's a social worker so it's always been in my blood to like to help others, and because of that desire I'm currently studying psychology at third level.(: I just know a lot of people go through this without knowing there are free services available in most countries to assist them.

[ 08-27-2012, 11:06 AM: Message edited by: WorriedGirl11 ]

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Heather
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(Hey, WorriedGirl: we've referred Ketrel to his local mental health facility with a sliding scale earlier in this thread, including finding him one right in his area. But appreciate your care!)

[ 08-27-2012, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
(Hey, WorriedGirl: we've referred Ketrel to his local mental health facility with a sliding scale earlier in this thread, including finding him one right in his area. But appreciate your care!)

Sadly they're not open at any time I'm not at work.
(Nor can I afford any expenditure no matter the scale. I have over 200k in student loans all coming due in a month. Every penny I have is for that or my grandparents lose their house as I keep trying to express. If it's not free and on a weekend or after 8 pm, I can't do it.)

As for timeline, two years ago, she cheated the first time, last October, she cheated the second and dumped me the next day. In June, I found out she lied completely about why she did this and that she was pretty much leading me on for 3/4 of our "relationship" and was always going to dump me for the horrible *swear word* she cheated with the second time.

(to be clear, if I try to get time off before next year, I could very easily lose my job, and that would end with me very likely being homeless, which I can't seem to explain sadly, nor can I find another job of this one is like this, as I have no job experience. This is it.)

[ 08-27-2012, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Ketrel ]

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Heather
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Ketrel: were you able to talk with anyone at that center about your current limitations to see if they had any ideas for care that *would* work for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Ketrel: were you able to talk with anyone at that center about your current limitations to see if they had any ideas for care that *would* work for you?

They could possibly work with me on money, but not in hours.
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Heather
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Okay, so here is what I am hearing.

It sounds like there's a pretty big conflict right now between trying to take care of your grandparent's housing needs and your own self-care.

Any way some of that gap could get bridged, at least some of it? Like by, say some other family members pitching in some more so that at the very least, you can have one our a week to try and get some help taking care of yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
Okay, so here is what I am hearing.

It sounds like there's a pretty big conflict right now between trying to take care of your grandparent's housing needs and your own self-care.

Any way some of that gap could get bridged, at least some of it? Like by, say some other family members pitching in some more so that at the very least, you can have one our a week to try and get some help taking care of yourself?

No my grandparents are co-signers on my student loans. They are mine to pay, but if I don't, they get screwed.

And again, the hours are the main limiting factor.

I'm not saying I can't afford to go, as I could probably find some way to borrow that. I'm saying, if during the first year of employment, I request time off, I can say good bye to my job.

[ 08-27-2012, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: Ketrel ]

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Heather
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So, if even something like cutting one hour one day to make it up the next, or all sorts of concessions employers will often make so employees can get healthcare are out, or getting therapy or counseling with your insurance or personal income on the weekends are out, obviously we stand at an impasse.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ketrel
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quote:
Originally posted by WorriedGirl11:
Would anyone mind if I added some things?

First of all- I'm not sure how it works in the US, but in Ireland, there are 70 free clinics that give counselling for people suffering in the same kind of ways as you do. I have friends in the US currently in counselling; I'll be sure to ask them about these services, but if you want to know sooner, you could always pop into a pharmacy. Most offer free consultations, and you could tell them how low you've been feeling and your financial issues, and they might be able to provide you with a solution of sorts.

Places such as these: http://www.sccc-la.org/
and http://nycfreeclinic.med.nyu.edu/ are known to be quite helpful and free of charge!

Next- I read above that it's only been a month since this relationship ended, is that true? If so, I think it's very, very early to be hoping to be completely happy after this, especially if you were in love with her. People take their own time to grieve relationships and suppressing feelings, or even pretending to be okay in front of other people, often doesn't help. You need to acknowledge fully what happened and face it head on. Your ex cheated, yes, and she probably won't ever admit it- but she doesn't need to for you to get closure. You can give yourself closure and peace of mind by completely cutting off communication with her, and using different things to vent frustration- like something artistic. You could even write a letter to her you don't intend to send, detailing your feelings about the relationship and how it ended, and it might help you to feel a little better.

Just trying to help. My mum's a social worker so it's always been in my blood to like to help others, and because of that desire I'm currently studying psychology at third level.(: I just know a lot of people go through this without knowing there are free services available in most countries to assist them.

Thank you BTW for the NYU one. That appears to have hours on Saturday. I'll see if they have anything available.
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WorriedGirl11
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No problem. [Smile]
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Ketrel
Activist
Member # 49204

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I just want to thank everyone who tried to help me.
I give up. I'm not considering anything stupid, but I give up trying to find any way out of this. Nothing helps. I've lost all but two friends thanks to what happened and the lasting results.

I have too many trust issues to consider ever dating again. It took me 20 years to be able to trust someone once. It was misplaced. The outcome of the betrayal from that, I fear is permanent. As I won't be able to ever trust anyone enough to get back into dating, and I personally will not consider a sexual encounter outside of a relationship, and nothing is helping. There's not anything left for me here.

As such, I thank you all for trying to help, and for the help you gave prior to this, but the above being the case, I can't see myself ever coming to this site again.

Posts: 123 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Certainly wishing you the best in your life journey. Our materials (found on our main site) and our services will be available should you change your mind.

Cheers,

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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