firstly i would like to say hi to everyone i discovered this website yesterday and hav spent the past days reading through posts and you all seem such lovely caring people
i have came on here just to talk to people who have been in similar circumstances to me and can actually understand how i feel
i was raped on valentines day 2004 by someone i worked with, i was 16 and a virgin we were having a singles night from work and me and this person got the metro after everyone else n said we would meet them there cos we were working later than the rest. unfortunalty we never made it to the restaurant cos on the way down he raped me. at the time i was so sacred i just didnt no wat to do all i was worried about was gettin home alive, after he raped me he held my hand and walked me back to the metro before meeting up with the rest of the staff.
i rang my friend on the metro and told her what happened she told me she would ring me later cos she was going out n never bothered to ring me back, it took me 4 days to tell my mam, she made me go to the police which were horrible n made me whole ordeal worse
i no they have to make sure your telling the truth but i was asked evryday if i was telling the truth etc, i just could not cope, my mam didnt cope very well she told me not to talk about it to anyone and if i was upset about it i was told to be quiet, i no now she was just tryin to pretend it didnt happen but it didnt help me at all, she wud not allow me to talk to the police she dealt with all that for me and made me feel so small, i went to counciling a few times but she didnt really help and told me she thought i was coping ok.
when i eventually went back to work everyone was odd with me n didnt talk to m much cos of it all and when i went back to college my so called friend had told everyone n said she thought i had made it up with it bein on valentines day!!!
he came to my college on several occasions and would often turn up near my house n stuff n he would text n ring me and always got my number no matter how much i changed it, i was in hospital several times after takin overdoses cos i was soo alone and hurt
its now 2 n a half years ago and there is not a day that goes by that i dont think about it :-( it has wrecked realtionships i have had because i get flashbacks etc n i have issues with trust and especially when i found out my ex had been cheating on me cos i woldnt sleep with him cos of flashbacks
am now thinking of going back to counciling but am not sure how to bring this up with my parents as far as they are aware am fine
posted
I'm not sure I understand why you'd need to ask your parents about this at all right now?
In other words, you're over 18: you can seek out and get counseling all on your own. If finances are an issue, given you reported, you should still be able to find some free support.
Counseling and therapy tend to take time. It's pretty typical to take a while to make progress with therapy and counseling: one or two sessions generally don't cut it, those first few sessions are usually spent just with you and the counselor just getting used to each other, just feeling out what you need. In general, I'd say that if after six months of counseling you're not feeling any better, it's sage to look to other alternatives, but that anything before that -- unless you just know you've got a counselor who is, particularly, a poor fit for you -- is hasty.
Is this man still harassing you? If he is, given you reported him, a phone call back to the police could help make that cease very quickly.
Sounds like you very much need support which you have not gotten at all, with the way your mother managed this, with the disbelief of a close friend, etc. I'm sorry it's been this way for you so far. Let's see what we can do to get you set up with what you need this time, okay?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63699 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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i mean by telling my mam that i think it may help me get over it, if i tell her i am thinking of going back to counciling then maybe she will see how i still her support over this, i also think its time that she face facts that i was raped n help me deal with it, its too much to cope with on my own
love stace xxx
Posts: 38 | From: south shields | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
I can see that, but given that it's likely she will NOT respond well at first -- and more strife, you don't need right now -- I think it may be best to start with a new counselor first, and to get help from her in how and when to bring this to your mother, so that it is more likely to BE a comfort to you.
I don't see how more disbelief on her part will be helpful to you right now, especially without a counselor to help you process that.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63699 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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do u think its best that i go to councling without telling her then after a few sessions let her know i am going?
i hate going against her, and i dont want her to feel like i dont need her cos i do just i need to sort my life out but i dont want to upset n hurt her in the process by going behind her back kinda thingg
posted
Why would getting counseling be going against her?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63699 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Well, it's not up to you to bring it all up or not. That's not a choice you have: it happened, it happened to you, and it's after-effects are certainly not something you WANT. Rather, they are something that you -- or anyone -- can't avoid or deny. Your choice is whether to try and cope with them or not, and whether to work to heal yourself as best you can or not. You don't get to choose if it's "brought up," just like you didn't get to choose to be raped.
And whether you bring that up right to her right now, or get some help first so you can dope better and then address this with her in a more productive way, it's brought up.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63699 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hey Stacey. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
When I first told my mother that I'd been abused, she wasn't supportive of me at all, either. So even years later, I had a difficult time seeking out counseling because I felt that, since my mother apparently did not think I needed help, then maybe I really didn't.
Eventually I got to a point where I needed to talk about it and get some help to work it out and a few months after I started seeing a counselor, I approached my mother again. And lo and behold, with all of the years that had passed in the meantime, and with the way both mine and my mothers perspective had changed, she was a whole lot more supportive and understanding that time.
I know it's hard to grasp for us, as the people who are going through such a terribly difficult time, that those around of us are also confused and frightened. What we need is support and understanding, we can't afford to support those around us, as well. So you really need to seek out the help you need, now, and once you're in a better place emotionally, you can approach your mother about it again. Maybe explain to her that you understand she's had a lot to deal with because of this, too, but that you felt left out in the cold by her. There is a good chance that, with time, she'll come around.
But for now, take care of yourself and get help.
[ 09-06-2006, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: September ]
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8455 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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when my mam first reacted they way she did i felt that i was the only person that had an unsupportive family and friends but i see now that this is quite common and mainly because people do not know how to deal with it which is a shame considering how many people suffer from abuse and rape
i rang the councilor i first saw she was on holiday so i have left a message for her to give me a call when she returns, i feel like i shudnt hide the fact i need help from my mam but think it might be best to wait a lil whole before i tell her.
i told a couple of my closer friends how i am feeling and got mixed reactions, some said i shoudl just forget about it cos i am ok, that only cos i put a happy face on 24/7 unless am on my own, my only proper friend i really have has told me he will take me and pick me up from counciling and will be there for me to talk to him whenever i feel like which helps
love stace xxx
Posts: 38 | From: south shields | Registered: Sep 2006
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well i rang councilor but no one has rang back yet :-(
went shopping with my mam last week and mentioned that i am thinking of going back
her response : ok, do wat u wanna do
my response : so ur ok if i go back n do ut hink its a good idea?
her response : its ur life, do wat u like, but tbh if ya dont think or talk bout things they will go away
my reponse: well thanx soo much for bein an understanding n caring mam (sarcastic) i obv dont really care wat am going through it wont just go away believe me i wish it wud
her reponse : stop talking about it, u no ya not supposed too
all i wanna do now is cry forever
love stace xxx
Posts: 38 | From: south shields | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Hey stacey, I'm sorry your mother is making this healing process more difficult for you than helpful. I think at this point, Heather's advice is pretty soung. You're over the age of majority, so there's no need to keep your mom in the loop, so to speak, about your counselling. Keep trying to get in touch with your counselor's office, saying that you would like someone to contact you as soon as possible about starting up again. If you can garner support from other folks, like an aunt or teacher, to have someone aside from your mother to support you during this time, all the better.
Again, I'm glad to hear that you're pursuing help from yourself in spite of poor advice from your mother. You're right, it won't just go away without being dealt with - it's a hard, sad truth but you're doing the right thing. Lots of strength to you, stacey.
-------------------- Unlucky at cards; lucky at love. Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003
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i rnag the counciling place again but again i wastold just to leave a message as she was busy :-( n again no one has rang me back, i feel like i have over come such a big thing by rigning and tryin to sort myself out and that they dont seem to realise this :-(
had huge arguments today with my mam as i have told her am moving into student accomodation with my friend, she said am not grown up enough to do so, in the middle of the argument i said she never listens to what i need or want and counciling got brought back up, everytime we argue that fact i was raped gets brought up
i feel sooo angry about what he did to me, its wierd though cos i still trust anyone however i suffer majorly from flashbacks etc
my friends seem to think that because i dont let it bother me (thats their opinion, i just dont talk about how i feel with them) that i am ok, but i know deep down am not all i think about 24/7 is the day i was raped no matter how much i try to think abou something else it comes back. my family all saying am now just bringin it all back up for attention :-(
i really need help :-(
love stace xxx
Posts: 38 | From: south shields | Registered: Sep 2006
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posted
Are there any other counselors in your area that you might get in touch with? Sometimes counselors have very long waiting lists, so if you can (if it's covered, etc.) try calling some other places to see if they have any openings available. If they do, usually your file can be transferred from your old counselor so you're not starting from scratch.
Hang in there, and keep trying. It's good in that you know what you need to help you process and you're willing to put up with a lot (your mother's inability to deal, for example) to get it.
-------------------- Unlucky at cards; lucky at love. Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003
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well my phone went flat today n when i checked my phone i had a missed call from jean the councilor i rang back but no answer so gonna try again tomorrow :-)
hopefully this might be the start to a happier future
love stace xxx
Posts: 38 | From: south shields | Registered: Sep 2006
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