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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » a Boyfriend AND a Girlfriend?..

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Author Topic: a Boyfriend AND a Girlfriend?..
CloneeFacee
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Member # 97567

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Hello everyone! I was just having a conversation with one of my friends and I would like to hear your guys' opinions on the topic. He says that it's okay for a bisexual person of either gender to have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend if they so choose and that the other partner(s) should respect that. I'm not such a bug fan of that notion. I think that if you're going to be in a serious relationship with someone, you should respect that relationship by not indulging in another one on the side. What do y'all think? Is it okay to have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend? Is it not? Let me know...I'm truly interested in your opinions.

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hey Clonee Facee,

I think it's cool for anyone of any sexual identity (I don't think there's anything special here about being bi) to have as many partners as they like, and for there to be as many people in a relationship as the people in that relationship want there to be. But, only so long as that's what everyone does want.

So I don't think I can agree that "the other partner(s) should respect that"... Everyone wants and needs different things, and that's what they have a right to decide their relationships on. So for you that's not something you want... so I think it'd be unfair for anyone to judge you for that, but it'd probably be a good idea to avoid relationships with such a persona and visa versa.

And so by the same token I feel wanting another partner isn't something I could call indulgent, or wrong or anything like that, it's just one part of what that person is looking for in their relationships.

How we fit together our different needs and wants, seems to me to be what managing any of our relationships is all about, this is maybe just one part of that.

So yeah... I think it's okay (and imo awesome) for some people who want to be having lots of partners to be allowed to have them... and I think it's at the same time not OK for someone to be bullied into accepting that situation when it's something they don't want. I'd say people who really wanted those things so differently and with no flexibility are at risk of being really unhappy in that relationship, and I'd prefer they find away to break up until they manage to figure that out, or just become friends or something.

[ 10-08-2012, 06:39 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CloneeFacee
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Jacob,
Thanks for sharing your views with me. You've made some pretty interesting points that I hadn't really thought of before. Would you mind it too terribly much if I showed your reply to my friend?

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
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I'd take it as a massive component! Go ahead!
Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
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Similar to what Jacob said.

I wonder if your friend doesn't have the whole scoop on bisexuality? A few bi people probably like having attraction or experiences with women And men, because there's probably someone somewhere in the world who has any experience we can possibly think of. For most bi people though, it's a bit more like how most people of all orientations think about eye colour. Most people wouldn't think "I want to date people with brown And blue eyes", they'd just date people they liked, and some of those people might have brown eyes, some blue, and it wouldn't really make a difference to their choice. For most bi people, it's not about wanting/needing women And men, it's that the people they're attracted to might be any gender.

I think it's totally ok for someone of any orientation to want a relationship with more than one person. I also think that other people in general should respect that. However, I think that a partner should never be required or expected to be ok with that if they need or would prefer an exclusive or monogamous relationship themself. I also think that there's nothing special about bisexuality with that, because needs are needs, and if we need to be our partner's only partner, other people's gender doesn't change that need.

It's also perfectly possible to be in a serious and very respectful relationship that isn't monogamous or exclusive. Some people don't need to be their partner's only romantic or sexual partner in order to feel comfortable, secure, committed and fulfilled in a relationship. I guess I'd frame the issue in terms of needs and preferences: some people need their own serious relationships to be exclusive and monogamous, and some people don't. Neither is wrong or better, it's just about different needs and choosing different kinds of relationships.

There's a piece on the site about different models of relationships that you might find interesting: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/boyfriend/supermodel_creating_nurturing_your_own_best_relationship_models

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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CloneeFacee
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Jacob: Thank You!

Redskies: I'd like to make a point that my friend identifies as bisexual. Just to clear up any confusions. And what I'm gathering from both you and Jacob is that having multiple relationships is okay as long the needs of all individuals in the relationship are met? I like the way you have both explained this to me. That it's not something that should be garenteed but is acceptable. I respect that. Thank you very much for your response. I'm to ask the same of you as I did Jacob: would you mind it if showed your reply to my friend. This is an ongoing debate between us and I'd very much like to use your views as a source of reference.

And thank you for the article link. I cannot wait to read it!

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
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CloneeFacee, certainly, please feel very free to share. And I think I'd very much agree with your summary of what I, at least, was saying [Smile]

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The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

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CloneeFacee
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Thank you very much! Both of you have been a great help! [Big Grin]

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ZomBie&theHerd

Posts: 20 | From: Poughkeepsie, New York | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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