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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Tough Situation (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Tough Situation
Heather
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I hear you.

Do you just want to sit with and feel all those feelings and thoughts for now, or do you want to move into talking about using them to start evaluating your options here?

(No right answer to that, by the way, just what you want and feel ready for.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GardenOfEden
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I'd like to start evaluating my options if that's alright.
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Heather
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Of course.

I'm assuming this is still early enough that all three choices -- terminating the pregnancy, staying pregnant and parenting, or staying pregnant and arranging an adoption -- are all open to you?

If so, as of right this moment, do you have any feelings about what choice you'd think you'd like to make? or any you feel are just absolutely out of the question for you as of right now?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GardenOfEden
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As of right now. I feel like it torn between parenting and abortion. It's like my head and heart are in conflict with each other.

I'm not keen on adoption I don't think I could go through a pregnancy and then give the baby up at the end. I'm not totally closed of to it though.

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Heather
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Okay.

Maybe then we should start by talking through parenting and abortion as options, and only move to talking about adoption later if you'd like?

It's often helpful, to get started with this, to basically try to inventory both our emotional feelings AND the practical aspects of these different realities.

In other words: to try and both get a sense of how you feel, emotionally, about each of these options, then try and map out what your life (and, with parenting, a kid's life, too) would be like in the specific situation you're in. Then you can revisit those feelings in terms of how you feel about the very real possibilities rather than things which are very vague.

In other words, how we may feel about abortion and parenting in general has some use, but what we want to identify when making those choices is how we feel about them as they pertain to our very specific situation. Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just FYI, I think one bebfit you have in making this choice right now is that how raising an infant and kid would go in your current situation isn't a question mark for you.

In other words, often people have to make these choices without knowing what it would probably be like for them in a very real way, whereas for you, right now, it sounds like you've very much been living a lot of the reality of what having a kid in your current situations and life -- including your relationship with the other parent -- would go. So, you actually have a lot of information to work with that often people have to instead just guess at.

Obviously, the situation you're in now with your boyfriend and the baby that's already here stinks, but having that information when trying to make a choice about another possible baby can be really useful.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GardenOfEden
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That's what worries me. If I go through with the pregnancy it wouldn't just be like yay had a baby and this is my family.

Thom's child is forever going to be around and it doesn't bother me I think he's a great kid, but he's been through a lot and has been through a lot of unsettling changes, it's not fair on him to finally settle and then boom there's another baby in the house.

I don't even know if I'd get support from thom, I don't know if my relationship could handle another baby,

And then that wouldn't be fair on thom's child or is this one.

I'm rambling I don't even think I'm making sense,

I just the more i think about it the more I think I would only want this baby for the selfish reason of I want a child. Not that this is the best for everyone.

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Heather
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I think that rather than thinking about what's "fair" to this guy, it's really better to think about what YOU want and need here, and what YOU can deal with.

Especially since it's very clear that all of this is most likely something you -- and a kid -- will likely be managing and dealing with with very little help from him.

That's not to say thinking about the impact this might have on your current relationship isn't something to think about. It's just really a secondary issue when it comes to making these choices, which are much, much more about you and a possible kid than they are about your boyfriend, particularly given his clear lack of investment in parenting.

This is going to be primarily your choice to make, go through and live with, whatever choice you make. So, starting with YOU, not this guy who isn't the person pregnant nor the one to hold the most responsibility here, is the best place to start.

So -- for now -- setting aside how this would impact your relationship or this guy -- what choice do you think YOU would feel best about, thinking about yourself, your life as a whole (and many years of it, which is tricky to try and imagine, I know), and a kid?

Knowing what you know about your life now and how it's going, do you feel like now is a time, and this is a situation, you do or don't want to bring a pregnancy and another child into? Does another child in the mix right now -- and a pregnancy and birth before that -- feel like something you could or couldn't handle right now? That you do or don't want to handle?

[ 10-05-2012, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(By the way, I'm afraid that I've been without a break today even to eat something, so I have to step away for a bit, and there's no other staff around to step in for me at the moment. I'll be back for a bit in a couple hours, maybe less, if you're still awake though.

Alternately, maybe just marinate with some of this for a day or so? I won't be around tomorrow, as I'll be away doing some speaking, but we can pick this up after that if you like, too.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GardenOfEden
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Basing that on me and my life... I think I probably could handle a child. I have my mum who could support me. Emotionally and with the money and material aspects. Although I do work so I do have income, I mean even if it came to it I could move back in with my mum on a temporary basis.
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Robin Lee
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HI GardenOfEden,

Just wanted to let you know that I will be around tomorrow, so if you're comfortable talking this through with me, and you want to continue to talk about it, that's an option. Or, as Heather said, you could take some time to think through what you've already talked about. It's up to you.

I'm hopping in late to the game, but based on your latest post, I'm wondering a few things:

Does your Mum work or have other responsibilities? If so, what would child care look like given that you'd both be working or busy in other ways?

Given that you would be parenting for 18 or more years, what do you think supporting the child would look like in the long-term? (hard to guess that, I know, so just putting it out there)

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Robin

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GardenOfEden
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Hay, thank you letting me know that.

My mum does work, but if I go back to college there's a nursery on the campus. Also where I work a couple of the girls have kids, and they are in a nursery that could find out about, clearly not right away.

I have no idea what it would be like.

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Heather
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So, one exercise that can help with that last bit, and thinking through your options around that is doing something like this:

1) Take a sheet of paper, and make two columns, in this case, one that says pregnancy & parenting, one that says abortion.

2) Down the left hand side write the following, leaving a couple lines between each:
- This year
- Next year
- Five years from now
- Ten years from now
- 15 years from now
- 20 years from now

If it helps to visualize having a kid better, you can add this in the pregnant & parenting column next to those lines:
- This year (pregnant)
- Next year (infant)
- Five years from now (4 year-old)
- Ten years from now (9 year-old)
- 15 years from now (teenager)
- 20 years from now (adult)

You can also put the age you'll be on those lines, too, if that makes visualizing things easier.

Then, in each column, just try and write how you'd see your life, what you might or might not be doing, etc.

You can also always ask other people who have raised kids about a life with them, and ask people who haven't about a life without, just to get a better sense and some idea of the differences.

I'd also make sure that on top of thinking about what you could handle here, you are also thinking about what you actually want. because, with these choices, you do get to choose what you want, not just what you can handle. In other words, as of right now, this is all optional.

If you're starting to lean towards thinking about staying pregnant, it's probably also a good idea to think about what that's going to mean in terms of your current situation. You already know trying to raise one kid basically by yourself isn't working, so some big changes will have to happen here for another to be workable. What might some of those changes be, and how able to you feel to make them, who can help you, etc.

[ 10-05-2012, 05:30 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Do also want to add that this is all obviously a LOT to think about and process, so please don't feel like you have to do it all NOW. You don't.

Unless you're getting close to a window of opportunity closing on any of these options, while you do want to not drag your heels overmuch, it still isn't something you need to rush.

So, let yourself take time with all of this. maybe just for the next couple of days, think about all of this yourself some. Then, perhaps, the next step is talking to someone like your Mom, especially if any part of any of your choices involves needing something for her, so you can check in to see how she feels, what she feels able to do (especially both with childcare and paying for a kid: raising kids is expensive, after all), etc. to have that info when considering your options.

[ 10-05-2012, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GardenOfEden
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I went through the list last night and I've just thought about them all night, I didn't realise how much it would affect ,my life, does that sound silly,

I want to travel and go to university and with a baby right now. I can't, all te things I want out of life would be put on hold.

Realistically if I had this baby do I think I would stay with Thomas... No I don't not any more. And I don't know if I'd want to be a single mum.

I guess before all I was thinking is I could cope, I could care for this baby and I could. But now I see it in the bigger picture it makes me think different all over again.

And the fact thom is getting right on my nerves today isn't helping matters at all. I could cry aha.

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Heather
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Hey there: I'm just checking in briefly on my way out the door, wanted to see how you were doing with all of this.

I know it's so much to think through and it's all so big, and can feel so overwhelming.

I do think, in your thought process around this, it's important to recognize that for sure, having a kid that's Thom's kid would mean that at least in some ways, you (and the kid) are going to be stuck with this guy for as long as the kid is alive. Even if you're no longer living together or in a romantic relationship, a kid puts you in some relationship. So, thinking about a lifetime, in some ways, of things being the way they are with this person, for you and a kid, is important to do.

For sure, traveling with an infant probably just isn't going to be something that can happen anytime soon, especially if you're not wealthy. So, traveling is something you could still do in your life, but later,. not sooner. University is something you could probably still do, but there would be some extra challenges, like managing your time, getting childcare, and probably missing out on most of the social part of going to uni.

No rights or wrongs with things like this: just the need to figure out what you really want, and when you want it.

I do think that for now, sticking with what you want -- rather than what you could deal with -- is important. You get to want what you want here, and I don't know about you, but I feel like it's pretty important that people who choose to parent are also the people who really want to parent. Important for parents, and certainly important for kids.

None of this sounds silly, by the way: it's all a process, and honestly, given you just found out about this 24 hours ago, and given all the other stuff you're juggling? It looks to me like you're doing remarkably well with it. Just don't forget it'd also be okay if you weren't: it's okay to cry, to break down, to get angry, whatever you're feeling? It really is okay to feel it, even if it means that for a few minutes, hours or even days, you're not holding it all together.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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GardenOfEden
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Honestly the more I think about it, the more I think about everything the more I think about everything. The more I think I can't have this baby, "/
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Robin Lee
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HI GardenOfEden,

What do you need from us in terms of figuring out how to access pregnancy termination?

Also, just so you do know, as you go through this process, you do still have a choice of what you do, right up until the day of the medical procedure.

What sort of support do you have? Have you spoken with your mother to share these thoughts with her and get some help and support?

Please let us know how we can continue to helkp and support you through this.

--------------------
Robin

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GardenOfEden
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Medical procedure?

I have told my mum I'm pregnant yet I don't think I can face that with her right now,

I haven't told any one yet

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Robin Lee
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Hi,

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be confusing. It sounds like, in saying that you can't have this baby, that you're interested in getting an abortion. Am I understanding you correctly? (That's all I meant by procedure.)

If I misunderstood you, plese tell me what you mean. [Smile]

If an abortion is something you want, do you feel like you need a little more time before getting the information on when and how to get one? (knowing that there are some time limits on this.)

What do you need in order to be able to talk to your Mum about this?

--------------------
Robin

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GardenOfEden
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I don't think I can have this baby, and I think I do want a abortion, I just didn't realise it was classed as a medical procedure "/

I don't know to be honest, I'm just worried she'll lecturer me or take the moral high ground

I feel really lonely with this.

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Robin Lee
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I can understand that you'd feel lonely with this. We're all behind you here with whatever you need to do for yourself, but I know that doesn't take the place of in person support.

I referred to abortion as a medical procedure because one sees a medical practitioner to have one.

Have you and your mother ever discussed abortion in general? Do you have a sense for how she feels about it?

In thinking about it, do you think that this is something you would want to do alone, or would having her (or someone else's) help be preferable?

I'm not sure if this would be helkpful to you at this point, but Marie Stopes International has a lot of information about abortion, and a phone line you can call to ask questions. Here's the information:

http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/Womens_services/Abortion.aspx

You're going through a lot of changes right now and having to make a lot of decisions. Any way you can take a break from all this and do something you enjoy for a little bit to give yourself some emotional relief?

--------------------
Robin

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GardenOfEden
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Thank you. I really. do apperciate the support

Oh I see I freaked out a little bit there, my mum has never really spoken about abortion the subject never came up. I know a friend of hers went through with an abortion not long ago and all she said was in some circumstances bringing a child into the world isn't the best option. I wouldn't know if she's for or against it really.

I haven't really thought about going with someone I thought I'd just go alone.

Thanks I'll read through it tomorrow.

I just want to sleep.. Away from thom away from this kid but unless I camp in the garden I can't do that tonight. Which is annoying.

Sorry of I sound moody. I just don't feel well. And I don't handle that very well.

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Robin Lee
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It's no surprise you don't feel well. *gentle smile* And you don't need to apologize for your feelings here. In other words, you're okay.

I'm sorry that you can't carve out any time by yourself right now, as it sounds like you very much need it. Do you think you could get someone to watch Thom's kid in the next day or two so you could have some private time to sleep, go for a walk, or do whatever makes you feel good?

(I know it's getting late there for you, so if you want to go to sleep, don't feel pressured to continue this conversation right now.)

--------------------
Robin

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GardenOfEden
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I just feel so sick it's horrible. Everything I do makes me want to throw up today even laying in bed I feel sick. It's schocking how horrible I feel today.

I can try and ask my mum if she will take him. She probably won't have him over night might have him for the day tomorrow.

It's okay the baby wakes up soon any way and its generally me that gets up there's no point in going to sleep yet "/

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Robin Lee
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Perhaps if you tell your Mum how sick you're feeling she'd be more inclined to take the baby.

I'll be here for the next hour or two if you would like to talk some more. [Smile]

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Robin

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GardenOfEden
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That's not a bad idea actually aha

Thanks and as I'm up [Smile]

I was thinking earlier do I tell him.. I'm pregnant.

I know it's highly unlikely it will benefit any one but do I tell him.

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Robin Lee
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It is, of course, always up to you what you tel him and what you don't.

How do you think it would feel for you to tell him and how do you think it would feel for you not to tell him anything?

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Robin

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GardenOfEden
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If I didn't tell him any thing and want through with it I'd feel guilty that I hadn't told him.

I think if I told him I'd feel lighter if that makes sense. But I'm not sure if I'd feel that way because its him or because I feel like I need to tell someone.

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Robin Lee
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Nodding, that does make sense. All of it.

Perhaps you could tell someone else first so you can clear up that part of it for yourself.

What would you expect him to do or say if you tell him that you're pregnant and have decided to have an abortion?

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Robin

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GardenOfEden
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I think if my mum has the baby tomorrow I will see one of my closest and oldest friends and I'll probably be alright telling her. And if I was to go with any one I'd go with her.


I honestly have no idea. No idea what so ever "/

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Robin Lee
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Perhaps it's not something you need to figure out tonight. *gentle smile* NOt everything needs to be figured out all at once though I can imagine it feels like it does.

Sounds like time with a close friend you trust would be really helpfu to you right now.

I'm headed out for the evening here, but will be back tomorrow to check in with you.

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Robin

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GardenOfEden
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Hayyy, my mum took the baby for the morning which I am I so thankful for.

I also managed to talk to my friend I basically just told her everything and cried a lot "/ I do feel a little better for it though.

She did offer to come and stay in the house for a while, which I'm. It sure how it will affect things at home, but I'm pretty sure having someone else there to look after the baby will help me out a lot. I hope any way

Posts: 84 | From: Newcastle | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
WesLuck
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-hugs-
Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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HI GardenOfEden,

I'm really glad you were able to get some time away from the baby and with your friend.

If it would help *you* to have your friend stay with you, then I'd say go for it. It sounds, from what you've described, as if Thom has dealt himself out of making decisions and the day-to-day running of things. So, if you need to make a decision that is good for you and you think it's something you could manage, do that. I'd suggest telling Thom first what's going to happen, out of fairness since he does live in the house, but other than that, do what you need to.

How are you feeling today about whether or not to tell Thom about your pregnancy and your plans to get an abortion?

--------------------
Robin

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