Me and my girlfriend are both in highschool and she was checking my phone at lunch and she saw another girl's text to me on there and I got kind of scared that she was going to flip and I grabbed it and I thought that she didn't see it, but aparently she saw it and got really pissed and is going on now about how I'm hiding things from her and not trusting her. She's really pissed and now she's angry about how I was "hiding" things from her and if I don't do that we won't have problems. So since she was really pissed and angry I asked her if she was mad enough to break up with me and she said no but when I asked her if she still loved me she told me that she was afraid to..what does that mean? Do you guys think she might leave me because of this?
Posts: 2 | From: Michigan | Registered: Aug 2011
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First off, I'd say this is more a question of her not trusting you. I'm a little suspicious of why she was "checking" your phone--in my opinion, this should not be necessary or even a "safety" sort of thing in a relationship. Whether or not it was inspired by something you may have done, that says to me that she already doesn't completely trust you. I'm a few years your senior, but checking my boyfriend's phone/facebook/what have you is not one of those things I do. That said, he's not afraid to check his phone/facebook/what have you in front of me (as in, so that I have a clear view of the screen). I accept (and encourage) my boyfriend having friends of any gender identities (and sexual identities, for that matter) that he wants to have--trusting your significant other around those that they have the potential to be attracted to is part and parcel of a relationship, as is learning how to handle jealousy rationally. It sounds like she doesn't have a lot of experience handling that jealousy well, though, but since none of us is your girlfriend, we can't tell you why that is or what the chances are of her leaving you.
As to what she meant when she said she was afraid to love you... again, that's really something only your girlfriend can explain for herself, but it sounds like she's actually afraid of ending up with a broken heart if her fear that you are hiding things from her is realized.
As an aside, you are allowed to keep things to yourself in a relationship. My boyfriend certainly doesn't know all of my secrets, but if it were something that pertained directly to our relationship, like me noticing a friend was flirting in earnest with him, I'd bring it up.
You certainly don't have to answer this here, but ask yourself if there was anything in that text that would, say, indicate you were seeing this other girl or something? Also, the way you say you grabbed your phone back... obviously, it could just be any old text you didn't want her to see, like a "Hi sweetie, just checking up, love, Mom", but remembering my high school days, I would have been suspicious if my ex had given me free reign to look through his phone and then suddenly panicked and grabbed it back from me when it wasn't ringing or something.
After your girlfriend has cooled down, I'd sit down with her and explain what your fears were, and ask her about hers. If that text was benign (I say "if" only because I don't know what was in it, and I don't need to know), I would also assure her of that. If you are at all uncomfortable with her going through your phone, I'd also let her know that.
Hopefully, at least some of this helps!
Posts: 70 | Registered: Apr 2012
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I'm with CSandSourPatch on this one; things like phones, computers, emails, and letters addressed to you are private, and your partner should be allowing you space and privacy for these things, as that's what we need in order to have a healthy relationship.
So, do you think you can set a boundary with your partner around this? For example saying something to her like; 'reading messages that are meant for me, really isn't an okay thing to do. Everybody is entitled to their privacy in relationships, and wanting that priovacy isn't the same as dishonesty or 'hiding things'. If you're worried that I'm not being honest with you about something, can we talk about that?'
Do you think that's something you can say to her?
Also, correct me if I'm wrong here, but it sounds like you were worried about her finding out that you've been having text coversations with female friends? Can I ask why that is?
[ 10-06-2012, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: Rei ]
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We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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