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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » difference between best friend and boyfriend

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Author Topic: difference between best friend and boyfriend
Neha-RoX
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i've been thinking over this for quite a long time, how do we make the difference? there's this person, we trust more than ourselves. we just love talking, walking, and almost everything with him/her. we dont keep any secrets, infact we share even the most personal things with them. we pray for them. we assume their problems as ours. when they are happy, we are even more happy. when we need them, they are always around. they laugh with us. they even cry with us!! we are one soul.. so am i talking about my best of the best or the best friend? or our love of our life??

my question can be taken this way.. what are the things that make a best friend(i mean really the best friend) and the love of our lives, two different things?? (except for the obvious sex)

i found the love of my life in my best friend, but i know many people who are stuck in this whirlpool of emotions. please share your thoughts

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sundial
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Interesting question! I think that a best friend relationship (with no romantic involvement) is less complicated than a boyfriend or girlfriend relationship. In my experience, my best friends and I don't worry that much about how much time we are spending together, who our other friends are, and breaking up is really not an issue - the friendships have been stable over time. With a boyfriend or girlfriend, there may be more emotional intensity overall (which can feel like more closeness), but there are issues that can get in the way of the friendship, such as jealousy, concerns about sex or where the relationship is going. Also, in my experience it is different to have a female best friend and a male best friend - they have different perspectives, give different advice, he is protective of me in a way that she is not, etc. So if your partner is an opposite-sex partner, I think it would be more like having an opposite sex best friend.
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Neha-RoX
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then what about a situation when a girl is in a relationship with a guy but also have another guy as her best friend!! in a true friendship, there are no issues like jealousy etc, there might be sex but how it's different from having a lover? i spend days n days thinking about this!
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sundial
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Well, jealousy is a normal human emotion, and it comes up sometimes even in the best relationships. So (in my opinion), just because there is some jealousy does not mean that there is not a true friendship happening. I think the best we can do is to talk it out - be brave enough to admit when we are the one feeling jealous, and try to listen and care when a partner or friend is feeling jealous. It's hard to tell what you are experiencing from your post, but if you want to talk about any specifics we are happy to listen.
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wyntermidnite
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I think a best friend can have many more shortcomings than many of us would allow in a boyfriend or girlfriend. We can watch them have bad relationships, fights with other friends and parents and other issues like jobs or school without feeling like we are exactly in the middle of it. I often feel like an outsider who is there for moral support, but overall, they live a very separate life from you, execpt when you hang out together.

With a boyfriend I feel like I am a unit with them, when they have a problem it is my problem. Assuming the ultimate situation is marriage, I feel that I have much more invested in them, and am more critical of them to improve themselves so they can be a better person. With friends I generally feel that they can handle themselves, and I am supportive of them in most any situations, and much less likely to really confront them with their shortcomings. Especially when there are problems with school or jobs (depending on what phase of life one is in.)I feel much more invested in a boyfriend because the success or failure will directly effect my future (assuming i want to one day get married.)

When a friend loses a job, i feel it's my job to be supportive and encourage getting a new and maybe better job, to help them feel better.

With a boyfriend i would be far more critical as to why they lost the job, the mistakes they make now could effect me later. If they were fired for disrespecting authority it would be a problem and I would talk to them about it and tell them that if they don't fix that trait, or at least work on it, it makes our future less sure because their financial future may become unceartain, not something one generally wishes to marry. Instead of my main goal trying to make them feel better, my goal would be to try my best to help them be the best person they can, which usually involves pointing out shortcomings and encouraging them to do better.

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September
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I'd say the biggest difference, for me, between friendship and relationship is sexual attraction. My partner is male, and so are my two closest friends. And pretty much the one thing that I share with my partner, but not my friends, is my sexuality.

Another thing, that Wynter also mentioned, is the fact that I am willing to accept bigger differences in my friendships. For example, I am an Atheist and would never date someone who isn't also Atheist (tried and failed at that, several times), but I have many friends who are very religious. Similarly, I am very opposed to drug use, and while I'll tolerate that in a friend as long as they keep me out of it, I would never tolerate it in a partner. Etc.

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Johanna
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Typical Young and Dumb Teenager?
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First off, I have seven best 'girl' friends and then one best 'guy' friend, whom I often refer to as my "best best friend", and many other, guys and girls, good friends. This "best best friend" guy is my boyfriend. Now, I find myself to be more hypocritical on him because like some said above, if I plan on settling down with this person, I want to make sure our life isn't going to be an upplehill battle; plus, we also share our sexuality, which I dont do with any of my 'girl' best friends or any other my other good friends either. So, our friendship is sexual, romantic, friendly, and hypocritical, which I believe only makes us stronger.

So, I really do consider my boyfriend as one of my best friends.. I guess, for me, it's kind of like that quote "Love is friendship set on fire".
End of story.

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Young and Dumb.
"Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban

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Neha-RoX
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ok, what do u call a guy who is always trying to protect u, always concerned about your happiness, always making sure that u r safe, and always ready to do almost everything that he can do for me, shares every single thing of your lives, he makes u smile when u have all the reasons to cry. and and.. even try to patch it up every time u have a fight with your boyfriend. he truly wants to see u happy! and it's for sure that he is straight.

who is he? "just" a best friend? or something more?

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Leabug
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Honestly, neha, I think it all boils down to this: do you feel any sexual or romantic attraction to this guy? If not, then he's probably just a friend (a very good one it seems). If you do, then he may be more than just a best friend to you. We really can't tell you whether he's a best friend or more, because we aren't there and we can't read your mind. [Smile] And as you've seen from the above responses, people's opinions on this stuff can vary, so you're really the only one who can answer that question for sure.

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Lea

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Neha-RoX
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yes lea, now even i think it's true. but what i understand is that a boyfriend is like 70% love and 30% Lust. and probably a best friend is 110% love.

i mean he's one person who understands me even at the points(like menstrual cycle effects and problems) my boyfriend fail and end up fighting with me. iam asking all this because sometimes i get to this point that i ask myself, which guy i truly love more!

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thismoment
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I think a lot of the difficulties in this, personally, can be trying to isolate sexual attraction from friends. At least between me and my best friends, there is a lot of sexual attraction, and sometimes we discuss it quite a lot, and there is the potential to actively do something about it, but we kind of actively make the decision not to, if that makes sense. Sometimes this doesn't always work though, but I figure that as long as you're both happy with what you're doing, it feels good and it's safe, then it doesn't really need to be a big problem. Hmmm... is it mildly obvious I'm struggling with the idea of monogamy, or having one 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' with who you're exclusively sexual? Gah.

I'm not sure what the difference is. Something about not acting at all or much on any sexual attraction? I don't know.

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Neha-RoX
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talking about sex is different, i mean i can freely talk about my sexuality with my friend and he also does(we talk in the most detailed manner). he is the one i can ask for porno while i wont feel as comfortable asking it from my bf(probably the reason behind it comes in the way).
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Hollie5626
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I'm one of the people who has best friend and boyfriend all in one. The best friend came first, then boyfriend later. I guess we grew to become like neha is describing:

quote:
Originally posted by neha:
there's this person, we trust more than ourselves. we just love talking, walking, and almost everything with him/her. we dont keep any secrets, infact we share even the most personal things with them. we pray for them. we assume their problems as ours. when they are happy, we are even more happy. when we need them, they are always around. they laugh with us. they even cry with us!! we are one soul

Or we were getting that way anyway. I guess I kind of realised that...well I was definately attracted to him, and as it turned out he was attracted to me. But when I thought about the possibility of having a boyfriend I realised it could never be anyone but him. I knew I could never find someone who cared about me so much and would always be there for me like he was. My partner had to be the one person I loved, trusted and cared about more then anything else in the world, or I wanted them to be anyway. And that was him. Having relationship with anyone else would have been…like really hollow, or shallow or something. But I didn't want anyone else and I didn't want him going out with some other girl. Anyone else would always be between us, it would be unfair on them and just...unneccessary. I don’t if I explained that like the way I really feel, but anyway.

When we did eventually become a couple our relationship hardly changed at all. Sure I got to kiss him and cuddle him and generally be a lot more affectionate towards him, but everything else about us stayed the same. It was like even when I thought he was just my best friend he was already my boyfriend, we just hadn't decided to label ourselves like that yet.

In your case neha - are you physically attracted to your best friend? Do you want him to be your boyfriend? Cause to me it sounds like you two belong together and I'm suprised you have a boyfriend as well - is there something else preventing it? Maybe I'm just too idealistic [Smile]

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libertatissacra
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This is definitely an interesting question.

I agree with whoever said that the main difference between a friend and a romantic partner is sexual/romantic attraction. Most of my close friends are guys, and while I love them dearly, I'm just not attracted to them and have never had any desire to date them.

I also think it's very true that we can often tolerate more differences in beliefs in friends than we can in significant others. I know I would have trouble, for example, dating someone who would not consider having sex before marriage. It's fine if a friend wants to wait until marriage, but I want the option to be sexually active with a partner if we decide that that's what we want in the relationship, and have that be a decision that is decided by us and only us, and not by whether or not we want to/can/will get married. Another big one for me is someone's stance on abortion. I have no problem with a friend being pro-life so long as they're respectful of me being pro-choice, but it would be an issue if someone I was sexually active with would not be okay with me having an abortion if I were to get pregnant. I do not want children, and am fairly terrified of pregnancy and childbirth, so abortion would most likely be my course of action if I were to get pregnant in the foreseeable future, and I wouldn't want that to be a problem for anyone I was having sex with.

So, at least for me, the two biggest differences between friends and boyfriends is that a) I need to be sexually attracted to anyone I date and b) a romantic partner and I need to agree on a few key issues, whereas I don't care so much if a fried disagrees with me on those issues.

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fairy_archer
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Emotions are pretty tricky, but who's to say that your best friend can't be your boyfriend? You've got to be friends with someone if you date them, and If you feel closest to them, then they may be your best friend and boyfriend.

Your boyfriend can be your best friend, but make sure you don't leave all your friends just to spend more time with him. Relationships with friends are very important too.

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Neha-RoX
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quote:
Originally posted by Hollie5626:
In your case neha - are you physically attracted to your best friend? Do you want him to be your boyfriend? Cause to me it sounds like you two belong together and I'm suprised you have a boyfriend as well - is there something else preventing it? Maybe I'm just too idealistic [Smile]

i wish i could say no to this question. but yes, i am attracted towards him, not because i have crush on him, it's because he completely understands my needs. i mean how many guys u can safely ask for porn, when your bf is not around! and another reason may me that i do get highly turned on very frequently and for no reason at all.this guy knows that.. but he never tried to.. u know.. exploit this.
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