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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Anger Management

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Author Topic: Anger Management
shroomroom
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My boyfriend makes me madder than anyone on the planet. We're in a long distance relationship, and at least twice a week, sometimes more, we're in a fight or something, and I just feel like I want to kill myself or something (I've never tried, of course) and procede to kick holes in my wall and destroy the phone I'm talking on. (Seriously) And its just always about stupid stuff, too. One of the main ones I think is just because he can't tell me yes or no, always 'It doesn't matter', 'I don't care' or the infamous, 'I don't know'. But theres other stuff that makes me mad too, like when I'm talking about something, and we're in a little fight, he just gets up and walks away and when he comes back he's just like 'Okay'. I say 'Did you leave?' and he says, 'Uh, yeah'. I say 'Why didn't you tell me?' and HE says 'I didn't want to' And he also makes me so incredebly mad because he stops listening every now and then (whether we're in a fight or not), and I have to repeat everything over and over. Its like I say 'Why are you being such a jerk to me?'(Because just out of nowhere he is sometimes) and he says 'I dunno how I was' and I explain, then after a while of silence he says 'Why aren't you talking?' and I say 'So you don't even care?' and he's like 'Sorry'. and I say, 'For what?' (He should know what makes me mad, and tell me what hes apologizing for) Then he says 'I don't know.' And we just fight so much more than we used to. It stresses me out sometimes that I'm a 15 year old girl having to put up with this many fights. And when were getting along and stuff, we still want to get married and live together, but I don't want to be married to someone who I have to fight like this every other day. I suggested breaking up, and he doesn't want to, and honestly, I don't really want to resort to that either yet. And he suggests taking breaks, but we don't agree on what a break should be I don't think. I want a break to be, completely broken up for a little while, and he just wants it to be stop talking so much. But if we even try to decide on something for about 2 minutes, he shuts down and just says 'do what you want, I don't care'. BUT at that point, I want him to care more than ANYTHING, and then the next day he's like, 'I don't want to break up, and I actually do care if we do'. Why can't he tell me when we're talking about it. We already don't talk as much as we used to, and there were a few days last week where we didn't talk at all. And as soon as we got back on the phone again we fought, so it didn't even help. And I do love him, its just in my head I'm thinking more about how 'I hate him and can't stand him' rather than 'I love him, hes sooo nice'. And he's not the only one at fault here, I gripe about stuff all the time that makes him mad, probably. (Hes not as open to saying what makes him mad as I am, so I don't know)But its just little things that set me off, frequently, and I don't know what to do. He also usually at least once hangs up on me when we're in a fight. (Like last night when we were saying goodbye) and this morning I called him and we weren't even talking and I asked if he wanted to go, and he just said 'I dunno, its up to you'. I said no its not, and left it at that. 10 mins later he said we can go and neither of us started to say good bye, so after like, 5 mins, he asked 'Are we going or not?' and I said 'Yeah, we are,' and hung up on HIM for the first time. It made me feel soooooo good with no bashing the phone around or kicking my wall or starting to cry. [Roll Eyes] (Is that wrong?)
So, yes, what should I do?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Do you have these issues and problems with anyone else in your life?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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shroomroom
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No. Well, I do get in arguments with my dad every so often, but they don't effect me like with my boyfriend, and I know the fights with my dad are all my fault, and I don't have to worry about him never giving me a straight answer or not caring. Actually, the worst fights with my dad are when my boyfriend is around. I think he puts my dad 'on edge'.

[ 12-20-2006, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: shroomroom ]

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Heather
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Okay.

Knowing that, and reading this post and looking at your history, I have a couple things to toss out at you.

First of all, you guys -- and buy that I mean all of you who are in some of your first relationships, not just you -- have GOT to stop adding all these extra pressures by talking about marriage. Even if that's something you think or know you want in your life at some point, the chance that your lifelong partner will be one of your very first partners is VERY improbable. And putting all that pressure on something like this just makes it all the more tough to manage problems and appreciate the good stuff right NOW, you know? When you've been in your adult lives for a couple years, when you've been together with both of you juggling all that stuff, maybe when you've also tried living together, then it's more sensible to insert marriage as a possibility, and evaluate the relationship and where it's going with that in mind, But not now. Now, that's just an unwarranted and uneeded part of the equation that probably is NOT part of the equation, period, but certainly isn't in the now.

What I'm seeing with this post and one of your others is what looks like relationship just going south and wearing down. One tricky thing with early relationships is that letting go is SO hard, so it can be extra hard to decide whether to stay together or not, because that person has such importance, even when things aren't great: even if they NEVER were all that exceptional.

So, when a relationship is souring, and you have all the communication breakdowns you're having, for sure, managing anger is tougher, but I can't help but think that the problem is the relationship as well as your management. In other words, that without being in this, you might not be here asking about this.

When is the nest time you two can actually SEE each other, then sit down and really, really talk about this without the hangups and the phone drama? Because I'm seeing a real need for a long, face-to-face talk. And I'd be inclined to suggest that until you can have one, you two take a break from the phone, and perhaps shift to email or letters: environments that really allow you both to have time and space to say what you need to.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
shroomroom
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Well, actually he came down last friday and just went home yesterday. And actually we fought a lot more in person those few days. And we do get along so much better on instant messenger or email than on the phone. I've been noticing that lately. And I know what you mean about the marriage thing now, but he doesn't, at least I don't think. And I now understand how you can get kind of pressured. Because we've been going out so long, and all our friends say we'll stay together and make a good couple. In truth we do, but does it have to be so serious, right now? Anyway, thank you.

[ 12-20-2006, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: shroomroom ]

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Heather
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When he was there, did you two have time you;d set aside -- without a limit on it - for talking about this: calmly, with each of you getting your say, without yelling, with some "game rules" in place for how to manage the conversation to assure it was productive?

Because that's really the kind of talk I see as needed.

But until you can have that? Ditch the phone, talk in the way you have that works best for both of you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
shroomroom
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No, I didn't... We kind of talked about it online. I showed him this thread, but he just said 'I don't know what to say' But I don't even truly know what to say about it anymore either. I wish we were still friends, but I don't wan to be in this relationship anymore I don't think. But I don't know how he would take it, or how I will take it, or anything right now. I feel like I'd be happier, but in the long run I'm not too sure. We're not going to talk on the phone I guess, though.

[ 12-20-2006, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: shroomroom ]

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