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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I Like My Best Friend...

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Author Topic: I Like My Best Friend...
MichSM2
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Member # 13662

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Hello everyone,

I think I am in love with my best friend of six years, but he is already in a committed relationship (also engaged) to another woman. I am not sure what 'true love' is since I have only been in few relationships. Let me explain myself:

My best friend and I share very similar interests. We love watching anime, we love watching action/fantasy/horror films, we share similar taste in music. While he can be very hyper and action-oriented, I am the more reserved and practical-minded. I have busted him out of trouble in the past, but he always thanks me for it. In exchange, I love talking to him. We can be on the phone or having a drink together for hours on end. When he called me last night, I told him I was reading a Halloween-themed book, and lo and behold, he was researching information about Halloween for a school! It's little things like that make me feel we can read each other's thought. I can talk whatever I want, and he will listen. He likes my company because he says he is always learning something new. As a result, he always seeks my advice. And in return, he wants to see me smile and be happy. He does not like it when people hurt me emotionally.

He is currently engaged to another woman who I also like as a person. She has the qualities that I do not possess: physical beauty and popularity. I was involved in a car accident years ago and suffered physical injuries from the neck down. While I do not look ugly, I rather avoid embarassment or stares from people who wonder why I have such scars all over me. And she is very popular among the campus because she used to be a cheerleader and former model. She has control of the relationship. The other night they went to see "Fearless" a martial arts film, and while my best friend enjoyed it very much, she told me how much she disliked it. Given that I watch martial arts films too, I just listened because I did not want to educate her about the genre. I have gone to anime connventions with him when his girlfriend did not want to go because she doesn't like it. His family seems to like her a lot, so I wish the best for them.

However, deep down inside, I cannot ignore the fact I really like him more than just a best friend. We have similar interests although we have different ways of accomplishing things. Sometimes I feel like I can read his mind. According to astrology, based on their signs, they are a match made in heaven. I don't believe in soulmates, but it sometimes hurts me that he is with her, and not me. As a result, I have tried to distance away from them but to no avail. Weeks had gone by. He called frantically asking where I had been because he thought I was kidnapped! He looked so scared. I couldn't tell him my true feelings. I just can't be "second" to him even though I enjoy his company.

Does anyone here know what I am feeling? Should I feel happy for him? Should I leave him?

Posts: 93 | From: Michigan, USA | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It sounds to me like what you need to do is just ask yourself if you can handle a friendship right now, and if a friendship is what you WANT.

If it isn't, and you feel like your romantic feelings make it impossible for you to be a friend, than it seems to be you might consider distancing yourself from this friendship.

On the other hand, maybe you just need some time to adjust and deal?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MichSM2
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I just feel like we're compatible and different in so many ways. Like I know him. And we both enjoy each other's company.
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Heather
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Okay, but that doesn't always equal a romantic love match.

And what I hear you saying right now is that you're having a hard time enjoying his company because it is painful for you as you have romantic feelings that aren't being reciprocated, and which are more painful for you given he's partnered.

So, right now, given those things, do you feel a friendship is still doable/beneficial for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MichSM2
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I guess I can still be friends with him but I will definitely have to distance myself once he marries. It would just be too awkward for him and I to still hang out. After all, he will become more attentive to his wife. That's only natural.
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Heather
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Okay, that one I don 't get.

Married people do still maintain their friendships, you know. And if it's not awkward now (though I hear you saying it is), I'm not sure why it would be more awkward then.

Nor, btw, do I imagine that the relationship he has now will become all that different per the time he is spending with his partner after marriage.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MichSM2
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I think it will be awkward because he always wants to hang out with me, and well, his girlfriend (who can be a b----) will get jealous. I am at heart a tomboy, so I like activities that men are more likely to enjoy. I have mostly male friends because I'm not gonna bring a girl who doesn't like action movies with me. But I know once they start to date, I have to move on because I cannot have the same friendship like I once did with them because I am a girl.

[ 10-01-2006, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: MichSM2 ]

Posts: 93 | From: Michigan, USA | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MichSM2
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Do you think I should try to act more feminine? I haven't really been in a relationship in a long time. I have a lot of male friends just because I feel more comfortable around guys. But I am wondering if men prefer more feminine women to date?
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September
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Men, just like women, have pretty individual tastes. Sweeping generalizations like "men prefer feminine women" aren't helpful.

You are who you are. If you're a tomboy, that's great. Be yourself, and you'll eventually find a guy who loves you for that. Pretending to be something you're not to snag a guy is dishonest, and dishonesty is never a good basis for a relationship.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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