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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I'm shallow -help!

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Author Topic: I'm shallow -help!
likewhoa19
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I am a girl who is always attracted to guys primarily on the basis of their physical appearance. Like I am way turned on by good-looking guys, provided they're at least polite. Like I want to jump on them, badly, or do whatever they ask me to do. However, I myself am not very attractive, I think. Occasionally girls will tell me they think I am very pretty, but I have never gotten this from a guy besides my dad, and I used to get made fun of a lot in jr high for being ''ugly.'' I think girls can be full of bs maybe, when they talk to other girls. When I look in the mirror I think I am sort of average looking in a masculine way. I tried having a relationship with a nice guy who I didn't find particularly physicall atrractive, but it just didn't work. He was great at turning me on with his hands, but I wound up even being a little repulsed when I looked at him. I don't know what to do. I'm horny all the time, and wind up being so depressed everytime I get up the courage to go after a good-looking guy who winds up not being interested in me. It's not even a matter of not being able to accept myself the way I look, although that's hard. It's a simple matter of not being turned on by the markedly more homely guys who ARE interested in me.
Posts: 193 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
archer
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How old are you by the way? Because at teenage it's normal to be attrated to good looking guys. And first and foremost stop thinking that you're "ugly" or just "average looking". Every body is beautiful in their own way. And remember physical attrativeness is not the ONLY thing guys look at in a girl.

There's no need for you to be hestitant in falling for the good looking guys. Love and understanding and being there for each other is what matters in love and not how each of you look.

So the next time you see a goog looking guy, stop thinking about how he would think about the way you look. Just go ahead and understand each other and believe me after a point looks will seem really inconsequential

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archer

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likewhoa19
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I'm 19. So I guess most people still focus on looks, but I'm old enough to be a little realistic. I mean, maybe when I'm 30 or 40 looks won't be so important, but right now that doesn't matter. And another thing is I've been told I come across as confident. I definitely flirt a lot. So I'm always a little hurt whenever a good looking guy I've befriended winds up going out with some random stereotypically pretty girl I randomly introduce him to and he knows for a much shorter period of time (this has happened at least a few times since hs). Just generally, some guys (and some girls) pay much more attention and are much sweeter to stereotypically pretty girls. I don't mind if people will flirt and be friendly but don't want to be with me, but when they even sort of try to avoid me but are nicer to certain girls it makes me feel really cheap. And finally, there's still this problem of me wanting to be with someone but not having found someone I'm physically attracted to who is also interested in me. I feel I need to find a way to lower my physical expectations if I want to have a healthy dating life.
Posts: 193 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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quote:
I'm always a little hurt whenever a good looking guy I've befriended winds up going out with some random stereotypically pretty girl I randomly introduce him to and he knows for a much shorter period of time. Just generally, some guys (and some girls) pay much more attention and are much sweeter to stereotypically pretty girls.
And that, right there, perhaps might be a statement to look at again to get a different perspective on what you're posting about here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
likewhoa19
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As much as I admire you in general, MizScarlet, I am confused as to your intended point. I don't object to guys being attracted to girls for physical reasons. I understand it since that's how I operate myself. I only brought up that point b/c I believe I could avoid those bad feelings by being less focused on good-looking guys. I'd like for physical appearance to play a less important role in who I am attracted to, personally (or else I'd like to be attracted to less good-looking people, which may or may not be the same thing), b/c then I think I would find dates. However, I have not encountered another girl who has this problem. Most girls focus on their own insecurities, but not on being dissatisfied with the physical appearance of their possible partners. Thus, I'm hoping to find someone who has suggestions on this board.

[ 04-02-2006, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: likewhoa19 ]

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Heather
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Sorry for being obtuse.

What I'd suggest -- and I was trying to lead you there on your own -- is that you chill out with a focus on physical appearance overall: that of the guys, that of the girls, that of yourself.

All you told us about yourself in your very first post was about how you look/how you perceive yourself to look. How unbalanced is that? Point is, sounds to me like you're fixating on looks a lot, all around, not just per the guys.

Being "horny all the time" is something you can take care of all by yourself... and should really. The physical appetite for sex -- rather than an emotional desire for companionship -- is just as well met by masturbation as it is by a partner (and often better so, depending on the partner and how familiar they aren't with your body). Your libido seriously doesn't know the difference.

That given, there's no rush to hook up with someone. If you can give it time, there will be people who you find attractive -- for the whole of them: how they look, who they are, how they respond to you -- and vice-versa. That also means not setting yourself up with people you know you don't feel chemistry with: that doesn't help you or anyone else.

(And I assure you, you're not the only woman in this particular conundrum.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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-Lauren-
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Maybe it isn't JUST physical attraction that you have high expectations of? What would happen if you were to meet all sorts of guys, as friends and companions? Most of the girls I know, myself included, found excellent male partners by simply making aquaintance and platonically speaking.

Did I have my head in the clouds upon meeting my current partner? Was he the Ken doll of my dreams? Was I even LOOKING for a boyfriend? No. After being in correspondance, peppered with coffee meetings, for a few weeks, however, attraction built.

While I can't wave my wand and make your brain re-wire (and nobody should!), maybe you can try to keep in mind that the type of attraction that develops from getting to know somebody often outlives that which comes from appearance. Good luck!

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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