My b/f and I have been dating for just about a year and we're very committed and in love, etc. Obviously when long term commitment is in the picture, other ideas begin to surface, such as a future together ... possibly leading to marriage.

But the situation is this: he is a devoted muslim and I am not religious. If... and I stress *IF* we were to get married, I would have to convert to become a muslim as well. First of all, I do not believe, and if I had to choose any religion I might consider Buddhism because my family roots lie in Buddhism. I've heard of other ppl converting to one's religion in order for a marriage to be valid, but I wouldn't do that for the sake of being married. It just doesn't feel right. And I thought, more importantly how we would we raise our kids if we had different religious values?

I love him so much but I don't want this to have some heartbreaking ending where we have to separate because of our religious differences. I asked him once why he didn't choose to be with a Muslim girl, and he said he was attracted to an individual based on her as a person -- not just her religious beliefs.

But then again maybe I'm getting ahead of myself... it's been a year only. But what if...

Any suggestions? Would you be with someone who you knew you couldn't marry?... (after knowing you love them, etc)

the thing is more whether (and forgive my ignorance in advance of muslim culture/religion) the moment you get married suddenly you are expected to wear a hijab/not talk to a man except in the presence of a male relative/to be totally subservient/happy with the prospect of a second or third wife/ all those aspects of culture and religion which are radically different (i'm presuming) from those you hold right now.

if it is just converting so that he can be married in a mosque and have his children's religious teachings to be islamic rather than other religions but culturally everything else will remain similar to the standard western outlook then it could be fine.

i was in sudan fairly recently and here is a direct quote from a man I was working with out there (bearing in mind how important both water and shoes are in that region...)
"giving a woman an education is like pouring water into a new shoe - a waste of water and it spoils the shoe"

now if it is that kind of thing you are expected to agree with - i wouldn't get married!

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If... and I stress *IF* we were to get married, I would have to convert to become a muslim as well.

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Why? That might not be so - from what he's saying, he's involved with you because of who you are as a person, not your religious beliefs. That in itself suggests he may be relatively flexible.

If you two do start discussing marriage, then the best option would be to talk this out openly. Ask him about it. Would he expect you to convert? Would he be happy if you didn't? Could the two of you agree on a compromise about the upbringing of your children?

and amazingly enough my sister said it was incredibly enlightening and useful. the first thing they had to do was fill in this huge form (separately) which covered everything from how many children do you expect to have - to who do think will/should be doing the washing up etc., and going through the answers together with the vicar brought up a whole load of issues that they had no idea they had radically different views on!!!!

and my sister said even now (five years on from her marriage) she still thinks it helps enormously having done that - and i think they have a great relationship (from an outside perspective).

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Originally posted by christinejones:
the thing is more whether (and forgive my ignorance in advance of muslim culture/religion) the moment you get married suddenly you are expected to wear a hijab/not talk to a man except in the presence of a male relative/to be totally subservient/happy with the prospect of a second or third wife/ all those aspects of culture and religion which are radically different (i'm presuming) from those you hold right now.

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Well, as far as I've seen through the Discovery TIMES, and the History Channel, and talking to people who I know are Muslim, that's more of a social/culture issue, than a religious issue.

And in fact, there's a whole group of Muslim women who do none of those things, because they don't believe it plays any part in their religion. Kind of a feminist-type movement, which I think is awesome... And you'd think that, being of this culture, he wouldn't be marrying anyone else, either... That's not something that is a requirement of Muslim men or anything...

And plus, he's gotta love her enough to talk about it. Which I'm sure he does. And he's not going to be like "Baby, I can marry other chic's, too, right?" At least not if that's out of his upbringing.

Maybe I should clarify that he's not SO into Islam that he believes in polygamy, wearing head scarves, waiting for my turn to speak, etc. I actually took a religion course and studied Islam, and found it very interesting that gender equality is a huge issue in their scripture. Also I have another friend who is a practicing Ismaili (Muslim) who told me that women are entitled to whatever the man owns as well... Anyway, we live in Canada and we're both very open with our relationship in terms of equality, etc. I feel like any other North American couple really.

He does pray 3-5 times a day. Doesn't eat pork. But I'm not sure how he dealt with pre-marital sex because we don't follow that... it was very confusing in the beginning, especially for him because he was at odds between sex and his religion.

We did talk about it a little bit, and it does hang in the back of my mind (not because it's in the way, but I wonder WHAT IF...) and yes he said he would need to have me convert if anything, and I already told him No that's not possible. Perhaps we can reach a compromise? who knows... Still early I guess.

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Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
(I think it's important to recognize that if someone is insisting you convert to their religion when their religion itself didn't require it, a split because of that wouldn't actually be because of religious differences, but because one partner wanted another to do something for them -- to change themselves -- in a way they were unwilling, or which wasn't fair to ask or insist on in the first place.

Limits are one thing: if a person says they are only okay dating or partnering with someone of a certain faith from the onset, fine. But that doesn't sound like what's going on here, especially when it sounds like he's already shifting religious practices to suit himself.)

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If that tenet of his faith is mutable, why not this one?

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Originally posted by Miz Scarlet:
I was referring to he and you having sex before marriage.

If that tenet of his faith is mutable, why not this one?

That's what I was suggesting you think about, and why I was making the point that this ultimately isn't about religion, per se.

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