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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Jealousy: Gay man cuddles with my girlfriend.

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Author Topic: Jealousy: Gay man cuddles with my girlfriend.
Late Bloomer
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Lend me your ears,

How ought I to react when my girlfriend has intense conversations with an attractive, intelligent gay man and then proceeds to cuddle with him? Last time I became jealous.

While I spoke to my girlfriend about the cuddling she became angry and defensive. She thought that I having told her about my uncomfortableness was unfair.

One solution for me is to not spend time with my girlfriend when that gay man is present. The problem is that she and that gay man are very close friends.

How does a gay man feel when cuddling with a girl? How does a girl feel when cuddling with a gay man? Could her actions be considered cheating?

Late Bloomer

[This message has been edited by Late Bloomer (edited 02-20-2003).]


Posts: 20 | From: West Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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Well, would you object to her having intense conversations and "cuddling" with a close female friend, for example, or with a brother?

If he's gay, then it's very unlikely that he would find "cuddling" with her erotic. In fact, sometimes people will act in a "flirty" way precisely because they both know that there isn't actually going to be anything sexual between them, so it's "safe" (hence the sterotype of straight women who have a "Gay Best Friend").

And since she hasn't been trying to hide this from you, obviously she doesn't see it as anything illicit.

quote:
Could her actions be considered cheating?

Really, what any couple count as "cheating" is up to them. There's no official list of things that constitute cheating.

If you're a monogamous couple, then sex with someone else would obviously be considered cheating, but I presume there's not anything specifically sexual about the "cuddling" you're describing.

Unless you're going to decide that you'll consider any deep conversations or physical contact with her friends to be "cheating" on her part (and I doubt that she'd accept this definition), you probably don't have much of a case for blaming her here.


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mistress_monkey
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hello

if you are definately positively sure that this man is homosexual, i would say that you have nothing to worry about from him.

however, it does make me wonder that your girlfriend shows no concern for your feelings when it comes to flirting with him. more than likely, since she is sure that he is not attracted to her, she's just exercising those flirting wings that got put into storage when she made a commitment to you. maybe she's just flirtatious by nature. maybe she wants attention, from you or otherwise.

the only real solution to this is talking it out. sit her down and say something like "hey, i don't want to upset you or fight, but i just wanted you to know that it makes me uncomfortable when you flirt with someone else. could you maybe tell me your point of view in case i'm wrong?" ask her if she feels neglected, things like that. a calm, open conversation can do wonders.

if she still gets defensive, just try to trust her. unless she is cheating on you, flirting is really a harmless activity.

good luck!

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Late Bloomer
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Hmmmm...

Thanks for the replies, this is what I think now…

First, you who replied think that my girlfriend cuddling with that gay man is safe because, assuming he is totally gay, he will not find cuddling with her erotic. Also, you think that since my girlfriend cuddled with that gay in my presence, it can be assumed that she sees nothing illicit about cuddling with him.

Hmm: despite the safetly of cuddling with a gay man, I am still uncomfortable seeing my girlfriend being playful with other men, gay, father, brother, or otherwise. I think I am territorial when it comes to her body, something that I ought to work on changing, since she is not my property. On the second point about her percieved illicitness: I don't think cuddling in my presence necessary means she sees nothing illicit in that act. That conclusion presupposes a high level of self-awareness on her part. Also, the cuddling could have been sent as a message to me.

Maybe the gay man feels slightly attracted to women, and maybe my girlfriend finds him sexually attractive. I can come to no conclusions other than that gay man cuddling with my girlfriend is safer than a straight man cuddling with my girlfriend.

You who replied said that a possible reason for my girlfriend cuddling with that gay man is his sexual safety coupled with her desire to be flirtatious with others. She is committed now and doesn't have many opportunities to flirt. You recommended that I think of my girlfriend cuddling with a brother or with a close girlfriend.

I know that she is a cuddly girl: she sits close with both her mother and her father. I don't know that my girlfriend has the same seriousness attached to our relationship with eachother. It may be that she likes to be physical with other men. I could communicate that I feel uncomfortable with her cuddling with other men. If it turns out that she is just a girl who is very physical with boyfriends and boy-friends alike, I may have to think about whether that will be a real obstacle in our relationship or not.

I think the cuddling could not be concieved as cheating, unless I wish to impose extreme rules on my relationship with my girlfriend, and I don't want to do that. If it turns out that she also cuddles with other men who are straight, I may want to tell her that I would like to have some boundaries there. I am not quite sure yet what relationship boundaries for me ought to be. If I ask my girlfriend not to do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable I will suffocate her, if I allow her to do anything she wants I will be dishonoring myself. Hmm.

So, she did not cheat with that gay man - it was afterwards when we talked together that she could have been more accepting of my perspective without becoming defensive and angry; she could have shown more concern for my feelings. I can talk with her later about cuddling with other men, and I can do this in a calm, open manner. I can tell her that there are times when I feel she gives too much attention to other men. During that conversation I ought to ask her side of the story and specifically ask if she feels neglected in the relationship.

Thanks for the help, and any more feedback is always appreciated.

Late-r


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Heather
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It might be worth asking yourself why you only feel this way in terms of other men, even when the other men in question may well have no more sexual interest in her than her girlfriends might.

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Heather Corinna
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Late Bloomer
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Hey Miz Scarlet,

You asked me why I feel jealous only when my girlfriend is near men, and not near women. Thanks for the question. I devised several answers.

First. I remembered my parents marriage. After my mother divorced my father, my father accused her of cheating with other men. Since my mom has many male friends, I assumed that girls who have many male friends probably cheat on their partners. Now, I don't know that what my father said is true because he had a habit of fabricating stories; nevertheless, I grew up with the belief that women who are playful with their male friends cheat on their partners. And I never developed the idea that they have lesbian sex, or lesbian sexual fantasies. Hence the jealousy only invloves men.

Second. When my girlfriend is with other men, I assume that they are attracted to her because I am attracted to her. It is natural for me to project my attraction of my girlfriend, and my desire to be sexual with her, onto the boys she cuddles with. This was previously an unacknowledged projection, and it is now healthily withdrawn. Further, when another man is with my girlfriend, I can imagine her and he having sex together, and that thought is disturbing to me because I wouldn't want to share that moment with her because a threesome with another man is not on my fantasy list. Conversely, when I see my girlfriend with other girls, I can freely imagine her with those girls without any resistance to the thought of her having lesbian sex because I would gladly include myself in a threesome with a female friend of hers. That is my long winded second explaination, summed up by saying that my fantasy life includes threesomes with two female but discludes those with two males.

Third. Men have a penis and can penetrate my girlfriend; women cannot do that. There is a special jealousy I save for men because of their ability to have intercourse with her. That is all I could come up with about why I am more jealous with men around than with women around. When she is with women it is sexy.

Being around men with her makes me feel somewhat combative. I don't feel that way around women. There may be other reasons on top of those above, like insecurities of my own that I haven't yet acknowledged causing me to feel jealous with men around and now women. My girlfriend and I have talked thouroughly about this though, and we decided that her behaviour is outside of my jurisdiction, and I decided that I have jealousy challenges to works through on my own. The solution: when Jenn is around other guys I relax by practicing diaphragmatic breathing, and this seems to work.

Thanks for the question; I now know what work I have to do for myself, and the relationships is again intimately and sexually happy, and everybody likes that,

Better Late than Never. :-)


[This message has been edited by Late Bloomer (edited 03-19-2003).]


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herecomestheson
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quote:
Originally posted by Late Bloomer:
Hey Miz Scarlet,

Third. Men have a penis and can penetrate my girlfriend; women cannot do that. There is a special jealousy I save for men because of their ability to have intercourse with her. That is all I could come up with about why I am more jealous with men around than with women around. When she is with women it is sexy.


Yes they can. I'm not trying to get you paranoid or anything, but there are ways, by using devices or other parts of the body that a female can have intercourse with another female.

Also, what are you talking about when you say "when she is with women it is sexy"? I'm not trying to start a debate and I know I'm not helping your problem but are you saying that her being with a woman is less of a potential threat because it turns you on? You're fine with the idea of her fooling around with other women because it is sexually appealing to you ? If this is true I must say that doesn't make much sense to me, and comparing it with the real moral problem you seem to be having, it kind of contradicts your whole dilemma and renders it insubstantial and hypocritical in my eyes. But that's just my opinion.

Other than that, it's good that you're being honest with yourself!

[This message has been edited by herecomestheson (edited 03-04-2003).]


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kissywissy11
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you could ask her how she would feel if you had a lesbian friend as close as she is to her male gay friend, and cuddled with her.
Posts: 68 | From: australia | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Certainly does sound like you're making some preogress, Bloomer, and at least can see some of where this is coming from, some of the hypocrisy in the thing, and have an honest place to start from. That's good news, and it's no easy thing to look at all that, especially when you see how unreasonable some of it is. Good for you.

I would add, as a bisexual woman, as herecomestheson has said, that to be honest, women certainly can have intercourse with one another in ways that emotionally feel no different and physically feel totally similar if not nearly identical.

I'd also add -- though perhaps you know your fantasies are likely to stay just that -- that when and if people take secondary partners, esp. same sex ones, having it be in a threesome scenario is not likely, and even when it does occur, it usually isn't the sort of "sharing" most straight men imagine that it is.

In addition, I've never seen any evidence whatsoever, personally or professionally, to indicate that women with more male friends are more likely to cheat. In truth, people more likely to do so are ones who end up the most socially isolated, period.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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