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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Various problems of a 17yr old manchild!

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Author Topic: Various problems of a 17yr old manchild!
HongosKentesh
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Member # 2153

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I originally posted this on the top board, and then realized that's the wrong place to put it, sorry!

Hey, here's my situation. I'm in love with this girl that I see irregularly for the past 6 months or so. She has heard me tell her I love her a dozen times at least (we were both wasted, nuff said). Apparently she was dumped by this guy about a month ago or more and is still pretty broken up about it (I dont understand why anyone would dump this girl, sheesh!), and he is kind of all she talks about. The best friend to the girl I love is trying to get her over him, and I'm pretty sure the best friend wants us to be together although I'm not 100% positive. I'm 17, she's 16 I think.
Anyways, I've never had a GF 'cause I'm way too shy, and various other reasons (like I go to an all boys school......), so I am not the best when it comes to understanding this sort of thing. Any advice? I have absolutely no plan, so I'm pretty desperate (I find myself waking up in the early morning every day thinking about her, and I just think myself into a circle).


Posts: 18 | From: Sebastopol (SeaBass!), California | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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1) No one else can get someone over someone. That simply takes time, and it's an important process. You rush it, you pay the price with feelings you never sortyed through, and fruitless rebound relationships that go nowhere.

2) Telling someone you love them ad infinitum, especially while "wasted," basically renders the phrase utterly meaningless, especially when you really aren't that close to that person to begin with.

Let her take her time to recoup. At some point, let her know when she's feeling better, you'd love to go hang out with her sometime. I advise doing this sober. Getting to know someone well you're thinking about a relationship with is truly something best done with a clear mind.

I also advise not looking at possible relationships as something which puts you in a "desparate" frame of mind. This isn't live-or-die stuff, really. Save desparation for when you're homeless, starving, or about to lose your job. No one can appraoch relations with someone else very well when they're in a state of desparation.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


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HongosKentesh
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I'm usually too shy or tongue tied to talk to her if I haven't had a little drink
Posts: 18 | From: Sebastopol (SeaBass!), California | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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While shyness isn't the easiest thing to deal with, drinking is a truly poor way to manage it. And really, that's a big cop-out. That isn't going to fly here. Lots of things in life pose challenges, are nerve-wracking and make us nervous -- we get through'em.

Let me put it this way: it ain't gonna matter much if you can approach people or not when you're an alchoholic -- they won't be interested anyway.

Using alchohol as a mechanism for coping is a really crummy habit (especially if you're young) -- and one that can lead to screwing up your health and your life. In addition, you'll still not have learned ways to deal with your shyness, even if a drink "works" for right now.

I'd have to suggest that if your social life requires that you medicate yourself to have one, you have bigger troubles to worry about then asking a girl out.


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HongosKentesh
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Thanks for the advice, I got another question if ya don't mind.
The girl I'm infatuated with is younger than I am, and VERY often when I see her on fridays and saturdays she is really quite drunk. Would it be a mistake to ask her if she's seriously alright? I guess maybe someone who knows her better should do that, and not me, right? I'm just kind of concerned for her, because she might have some serious problems if she is already a (weekend) alchoholic. Sorry about so much alchohol talk, it's getting pretty old.

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Heather
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Want the truth?

Hope so, it's what you;re getting.

What happens when you put two people together who abuse alchohol or can't create good limits for themselves?

Disaster.

Frankly, I'd advise you not to pursue a romantic relationship with someone who clearly does have drug abuse issues when you may have them yourself.

If you want to offer your friendship, I think that's great. But I also think it'd be a good idea for you to recognize your own limits and issues, and get in a more automomous and healthy frame of mind and lifestyle before you pursue anything.

Sounds to me like this is just bad news all around.

Do understand that I think a few drinks now and then is fine (if you're of age, and if you don't drink to get drunk or to cope). But it sounds to me like that isn't the situation for either of you.

And if you can't make and keep healthy limits with an inanimate thing you control like alchohol, I'd be willing to bet making them with another living being isn't going to go real well either.


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HongosKentesh
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Bah, If by some fluke of nature she actually liked me I would do anything for her (no drinks, no drugs, anything), but that doesn't really mean much in my situation I suppose.
Do you really think my drinking every weekend or two with friends is bad? Seems like the norm around here...
When I'm sober, I'm shy. When she's sober, she's shy. Do you think it's possible for any relationship between two shy people?
Sorry if it seems like I'm ignoring some of the advice your giving me, but I don't think I have an uncontrollable problem... Anyway, I hope.

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Lin
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Alot of people I meet say that they cannot talk to a girl yada yada unless they have a drink or two.

But, that is not the real you. The intoxicated you who is outgoing and friendly is not the real you is he?

Who are you? The shy nice guy or the drunk outgoing guy?

Just the same for that girl. You only see her when she is drunk. What if you are only in love with the drunk her? What if you guys get together and you decide you don't like the sober her?

Think about it. If you have to have a drink to talk to a girl, that's not healthy. Yes, I know alcohol gives you courage and all that but would you want her to like the drunk you? What if SHE decides she doesn't like you when you are sober, meaning the shy nice you? What are you going to do? Drink yourself silly all day?

I find it interesting also that you like this girl so much but you don't know her age? I think you guys have alot more to know about each other.

Sorry if that sounded harsh but I am honestly tired of people being dependent on alcohol to do things. You are an intelligent guy with a brain and looks. You do not need alcohol to help you do anything.

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When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her.
It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed.

Mother Teresa


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HongosKentesh
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I actually like the Sober-her more than the Drunk-her, because when she's Drunk all she does is complain about her old boyfriend and other such stuff...
I believe I am the same person if I've had a few drinks, it's just an outward expression of what I'm too afraid to act on. Your right, we don't really know each other very well because we are too afraid to talk to eachother, but can't a relationship work if one of the people involved has unconditional love for the other? I know it's silly to have unconditional love for someone you don't know, but if you're depressed you find that you do things to give your life meaning, and that would make me happy. There is always the problem of her not even liking me, but I think we covered this. Thanks for all the advice, I still don't know what to do, hehe :}

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Gumdrop Girl
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why don't you give her some time. people on the rebound can be difficult to deal with. if you date her, and all you hear is her bitching about the ex, you'll probably just wind up gnashing your teeth a lot.

while you wait, why don't you lay off the sauce a bit. you are you. no amount of tequila, vodka, kahlua, or cheap frat-special keg beer can change that. the booze is only an excuse. a cheap one at that.

then, talk to her when you're both sober. it'll get easier with time.

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Someday, I will have a sexy car...a very...sexy...car!


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HongosKentesh
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Alrighty, thanks for the advice peeps!
Posts: 18 | From: Sebastopol (SeaBass!), California | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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