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Robin Lee
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Nodding. So finding housing and getting support from the people around you are priorities right now.

Do you want to talk about that conversation you feel like you'll need to have with your Dad?

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Robin

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LostIntranslation
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I can contact housing benefit again on Monday.

Ehh... I haven't spoken to my dad since he gave me a mouthful about missing the funeral. I've been avoiding talking to him as best as I can.

I just don't know what I'll say to him i know he's really pissed at me

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D

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Onionpie
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Good to hear you'll be able to talk to housing benefit on monday!

So it sounds like this conversation with your dad is going to be a pretty rough one. So you will probably want to have this conversation somewhere private and in-person, and you might want to ask him beforehand to find that time for you and perhaps let him know that you have some important and hard stuff that you'd like to talk about openly and honestly because you feel it's stuff he needs to know about. Does that sound like it'll work for you?

How do you think he'll react to hearing that your girlfriend was being abusive at the time? Do you think he will be supportive of you? Do you think he will be able to begin to accept how that influenced your decision not to go to your mother's funeral?

Unfortunately with situations like these, it can sometimes take time for the person in your dad's position to let go of their anger and begin to accept that your decision not to go was an act of self-preservation. But hopefully if he is supportive of you and open to hearing it, he will understand that you regret that decision but you were acting out of survival instincts, and that it was not meant to hurt him.

Do you want some help thinking about how to start that conversation with him?

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LostIntranslation
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I think my dad will go ape when he hears the stuff thats been going on.

I think he'll probably understand why I didn't go but I don't doubt he's not going to like it.

I don't even know if I want to do it one on one I dont know if it's a good idea or a bad idea to ask my uncle to sit in on it. :/

Help with the conversation would be good thank you. I have a clue where to start.

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D

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Robin Lee
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HI Lost in Translation,

Do you think your uncle would be willing to sit in on the conversation as a neutral party, to keep things from getting too heated? You know him and your Dad, and the kind of relationship they have, better than we do, so you'll have a better idea whether having him be there for the discussion with your Dad is a good idea.

These kinds of talks are always tough. Both you and your Dad have big feelings that probably need to be shared. How has your relationship with your Dad been in the past?

You say that he'll be angry when he hears what has been going on. Do you think he'll be supportive of you?

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Robin

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LostIntranslation
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My uncle said he would sit in on it.

My dad and uncle get on pretty well, I shouldn't think it would cause problems.

My relationship with my dad has been rocky to say the least it felt like for the last year we get on because we have to not because we do. My dad is the type of dad who will discipline with a firm hand and will never say he loves you.

I don't honestly know if he'll be supportive I hope he will be but I'm not sure

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D

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Onionpie
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So it sounds like having your uncle sit in on the conversation will probably be a good idea. And I'm glad that he agreed to do that! You could also talk to him beforehand about what ways you could start the conversation with your dad, since he knows your dad well he will probably have a good idea as to where to start with him.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't know whether your dad will be supportive or not. I hope that, seeing your uncle there supporting you, there will be a better chance that he will support you as well [Smile]

Would you like help with some ideas on what to say to start the conversation off?

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LostIntranslation
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My uncle says he'll be my body guard which doesn't fill me with mass comfort I don't want to fight with my dad just talk to him.

I have no idea what to say to him. I'm bricking it . I mean he might come good and be supportive but it won't sunrise me if he isn't.

Im not going to lie Im really down today everything feels like a HUGE effort :/

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D

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Heather
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Hey, Lost.

You know, I hear you saying that you feel awful about missing your Mom's funeral, awful about...well, everything. So, I'm wondering if you feel able to just be candid with your Dad and let him know that you understand if he feels awful about it, or you right now, because right now YOU feel awful about it and yourself, too.

In other words, if he wants you to feel awful, you're already there. You already wish you could get a do-over, but you can't. And while what your ex has done to you isn't your responsibility, you are already taking a lot of responsibility for everything around it, so all you can do now is try and move forward.

I was also wondering if, for yourself, you might find it a comfort to go visit your Mom's grave, if she was buried, and have your own service for her, or "chat" with her for yourself so you can get some of the kind of closure a funeral would have offered you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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I can try and be like that with my dad I guess it beats actually beating round the bush.

I was thinking about going down and seeing her, just to talk.

I don't know I know it will be hard, but I know it's something I want to do.

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D

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Heather
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Is there a friend you can take with you, even to sit on the sidelines?

When I lost a loved one in my teens, I found grave visitation helped me a lot, but sometimes going alone all the time made me feel pretty low. So, just having a friend come with me but sit back, or maybe take a little walk while I talked, made that easier for me.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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Hmm I guess yeah I could take a friend.

I kind of feel if I go down there I'll fall apart.

Which makes me shy away from it.

Hmm I don't know I feel like I'm back between the rock and hard place but this time it sucks big time.

Sorry I'm moaning

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D

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Heather
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Yeah, but it's a safe environment for that.

In other words, a cemetery and...well, dead people, isn't something where breaking down means being taken advantage of, manipulated or hurt. It's a space where people safely CAN feel what they feel, cry if they need to, etc.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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That's true. I can ask my friend if they'll come with me.

I don't know I just think now I've had time to think about everything it's all hit me at once and it's all just really got to me... Big time

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D

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Heather
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It might.

So, perhaps you can ask your friend if they're up to being an emotional support for you, if so? maybe even have a plan for how you'd like to have that day if it is hard for you? Like, maybe plan to take a walk somewhere else you like after, go to a cafe or pub where you feel able to be a little emotional or kick back, etc?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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Yeah that sounds good.

I'll talk to them about it

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D

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LostIntranslation
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I spoke to my dad today and it didn't go well.

Really didn't go well. It ended with a massive fight and my dad telling me I ain't no son of his.

So it could of gone better.

Just thought I should say

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D

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Onionpie
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I'm so sorry to hear that your dad wasn't supportive of you in this. Big hugs to you (if you want them) and I really admire your courage.

Is there anyone else in your life who's close to you who you think WILL be supportive? We need to surround ourselves with support in times like this, so I hope you can open up to some people and have a lot of support from them.

Also hopefully in time your dad will calm down and realize his mistake. But until then I definitely suggest finding other people who will be there for you.

Did you call the housing benefit or the abuse support line yet? The support line will hopefully be able to give you some temporary support right now, just to have someone to talk to.

[ 09-10-2012, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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LostIntranslation
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Thanks for the hug [Smile]

There's my uncle he'll support me. I haven't really told any one else yet his response has kind of put me off.

I spoke to housing benefit today and they will basically pay nearly half the rent on a flat or flat share.

I haven't spoken to the help line yet I want to do it when my uncles out so I can talk freely.. Which should hopefully be tomorrow afternoon.

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D

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Onionpie
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No problem [Smile] Good to hear that your uncle is so supportive of you, that's excellent. I understand why you'd be put off by your dad's reaction. And it's okay if that puts you off for now -- getting such unsupportive reactions at such a vulnerable time can sort of add to the emotional trauma you're already dealing with, so you have to give yourself time to heal from those bad reactions as well, you know? So it's okay. But if you ever feel ready to talk to someone else, whom you think will be supportive, I think it'll be a help to have more support around you [Smile]

Very glad to hear the housing benefit will pay for part of your rent! Have you been looking around for any housing/have you had any help looking for housing yet? Do you know if your uncle is willing to let you stay indefinitely until you find housing, and if not, do you know any friends with whom you might be able to stay when your uncle needs you to leave?

I definitely understand that you want to be able to talk freely. I'm glad to hear you'll be able to do that tomorrow. Good luck with the call, I hope they are able to help you out [Smile]

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LostIntranslation
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I haven't looked at houses yet... But I guess I better soon I can't treck an hour to work everyday..

My uncle says I can stay till the weekend when his wife comes back.. (we don't get on)

I don't know I guess I'll crash at my friends or back at the hotel.

Thanks I hope so to

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D

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Onionpie
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Hi lost! Just checking in to see how you're feeling today! [Smile] I'm glad to hear you have a friend you might be able to stay with after you've left your uncle's house! Did you get the chance to talk to the support line in private yet? How's everything going for you today? Is there anything we can help you out with?
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LostIntranslation
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Hi

I haven't had a chance to talk to them yet. I've just been laying low.

I went to the doctors and they've decided now is a good time to change my anti depressants which is probably the last thing I need.

I'm just a little low but apart from that I'm okay

Thanks

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D

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Onionpie
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I'm really sorry to hear that your doctors are changing your anti-depressants and you weren't able to get in touch with the support line. Have you mentioned to your doctor that you're going through an incredibly stressful time right now? If you do, they should take that into consideration and will be able to make the best decision around making any changes to your anti-depressants. Hopefully it'll help take a load off your shoulders right now.

Good luck and I hope you're feeling a bit better [Smile]

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LostIntranslation
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I don't actually know how to handle this any more.

How and what is the point. I got beaten to shit, I had to run away. I lost my home, my mum, my relationship with my dad, I'm technically homeless and on my own.

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. It's not like any one really cares seriously .

I've spent the last week drinking and hooking up with a girl I know... Nice... Healthy.

I just give up I actually have no fight left.

I dunno I just guess I wanted someone to know so sorry

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D

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Heather
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I know that when you have felt uncared for, it's hard to believe or accept care from others. But I assure you, we're all pretty invested in you and what's going on with you around here. We do care.

You don't have to be sorry about feeling these feelings and expressing them: being real about them and getting them out somewhere safe is important.

Unfortunately, feeling really worn down, beaten down, after being in abuse -- and also while dealing with depression, no less -- is very common. It's one of the impacts abuse tends to have on people.

Whether or not having a casual hookup was healthy for you or not is only something you can know. It sounds like you think it was unhealthy?

Have you been able to connect with any of the more local resources we've shared with you yet?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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I'm grateful that you care

I spoke to them briefly but my phone died I left my charger with my girlfriend along with most of my stuff so all I've got to communicate is my tablet.. I did ask my doctor about counselling though.

I'm only sleeping with her so I feel close to someone that's not healthy

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D

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Onionpie
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Hey lost, I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling so awful right now. And heather's right, even if right now you're in a space where you can't really believe it -- we do all care, here. We care a lot [Smile]

What did your doctor suggest in terms of counselling? Did they refer you to anyone? And do you have anyone else you can lean on for support right now? Are you still with your uncle, or are you living with a friend you think will be supportive?

It's a shame that your phone died so you can't get in touch with the support line, but I think right now it's especially important that you at least have someone to talk to and rely on for immediate support, since you're feeling so down. So if you feel up to it, even if you can't get in touch with a professional, reaching out to a friend/family member may still be a good help to you.

Were you able to visit your mum's grave with your friend at all yet?

And it sounds like you're really aware of your feelings around this sexual relationship you're having, and that's a good thing. It's also really understandable and common that people find themselves getting into sexual relationships just to feel close to someone after a trauma like abuse. So I hope you're not beating yourself up about it too much. Are you thinking of stopping this relationship since you feel it's unhealthy? Where are you at around this? Do you want to talk about it some more with us?

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Heather
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I'd add that I disagree sleeping with someone to feel close to a person is unhealthy in a universal or general way.

I mean, if you dislike that person, or don't regard them at all in that, then yes, that's not healthy. But if you are both seeking out companionship via sex, both want that casual encounter, are both focused on each other, not just yourselves? There's nothing unhealthy about that. Heck, that describes a lot of the sex people in committed, long-term relationships have.

But again, we're all our own experts on what';s healthy or unhealthy for us, at a given time, with any given thing, very specifically. So if even all those healthy components were part of this, but you don't feel it's healthy for you? Then okay: you know not do to something like that again soon until/unless you feel differently about it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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LostIntranslation
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Hi.

My doctors referred me to see a psychiatrist at the hospital instead of counselling.

I can't stay with my uncle any more his wife really doesn't get on with me no matter how hard we try to get on. im currently staying at a b&b.

I did go to mums grave I just sat and spoke to her for hours literally.

I know the relationships bad and I should stop it... But I don't think i will... Sounds really bad right.

But without it I wouldn't even get out of bed.

Shit man it sounds so bad

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D

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September
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I am glad to hear you had the chance to visit your mother's grave! If you found this helpful, maybe you can make this a regular thing. It sounds like you were really close with your mother, and like talking to her is really helpful for you right now.

I am also glad to hear that you have been in touch with your doctor. What are your plans regarding counselling, then?

I really don't think you should beat yourself up over the relationship you are having with your friend right now. Is she on the same page as you, and does she understand what your motivation is for hanging out with her and sleeping with her? As long as she knows that you are in a shitty place, and as long as she does not have different expectations, I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are doing. And since you clearly get something positive out of this, I'd not say that it's terribly unhealthy.

So, what I am saying is, you have bigger fish to fry right now: you need to find a place to stay, and you need to get some support to help you with your depression and with healing from your abusive relationship. Beating yourself up over the relationship you have now is not going to help with either of that. So as long as you both have an understanding of what is going on and are both on the same page, I'd not see ending that relationship as a priority right now.

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Johanna
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LostIntranslation
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I was pretty close with my mum she understood me.

I will go and see her again, I felt at peace down there.

I don't really have any plans when it comes to the counselling... I guess I'll just take it as it comes. Just wait for the appointment to come through.

Yeah I guess she does know why we keep hooking up.

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D

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Onionpie
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I'm glad that you were able to visit your mum's grave and that it helped you so much. Hopefully you will be able to see her again soon.

Is the appointment you have one with the psychiatrist the doctor recommended? I hope they'll be a good fit for you and will be able to help you get through this. If it turns out they aren't a good fit for you, they may be able to recommend someone else for you, or you might be able to talk to your doctor to get another referral, or also the support line will very likely be able to refer you.

Have you actually talked to your friend about why you're hooking up and what the motivations are, and what kind of expectations around the relationship you and she have? If not, although I really understand that you may be in a pretty hard place to have open candid conversations right now, it may be a good idea to at least just have a brief discussion to ensure that you're both on the same page and both getting what you want, and neither of you are expecting something from this that isn't there for the other person, you know?

How's looking for housing going for you? If you can get back in touch with that support line (the b&b might let you make outside calls or borrow their reception phone to let you make a call) they may be able to help set you up with a domestic violence shelter, which will provide temporary living until you find a place to live, so you don't have to spend lots of money on b&bs and hotels.

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LostIntranslation
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Yeah the appointment is the one from the doctor. I'll just see how it goes.

I guess I'll talk to her about it. I'm pretty sure she knows any way but I can talk to her. I know for sure that she isn't in it for any thing but sex.

I have an appointment wednesday to look at a flat

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D

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Heather
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We're all rooting for you, Lost. Just so's you know. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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