posted
Ok I guess we could try it. I don't know what else I can do to get through this. I have really tried hard doing all those other things we have thought of and I don't know where to find the strength or even energy in myself to do it all.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Well, you don't have to do it ALL, Ems, those were options, not a to-do list, you know?
So, maybe let's just start with the next 24 hours and just three different things you can TRY -- but don't have to accomplish -- to help you right now.
Assuming the counselor doesn't call back (but yay if she does!), how about thinking of one person you can call and talk to for a little bit, one thing you like to do that you know makes you happy, and one thing you can do to just take care of yourself well, like say, a nice meal, listening to a record you like or watching a movie you love, or something simple like that.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Ok I can try. I called a couple of friends today but none wanted to chat so I left them to it. I don't really have many anymore so I just hang on my own all the time usually.
I have set up on the couch with a blanket and a cup of tea so I am being good to myself.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
So I already talked to heather about some stuff that I won't go into here, as it might not be good for my legal case, but it was good to talk to someone about it and get it off my chest.
I have been physically a bit better today which is good.
I have been laying here today in front of the fire which has been good but it's given me some extra time to think and process some stuff.
I need some advice about something that I have kept to myself till now because I have felt too scared so far to come out with it. But it's a huge huge part of the way im feeling and why things are feeling so huge, aside from the obvious so far.
I have been asked by my lawyer whether he ever hurt me with other people there and whether they did anything to, not just that but also to name them if I can.
When she asked me that I said no, because I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to go there ever again and I felt that this whole thing was huge enough for me without making it bigger. But that was a lie. It was often not just him when I was a kid, and when there were others it was always the same ppl. One of them was my uncle.
it was always mostly my abuser but there were times with the others and they had to be the worst for me as a kid.
My problem is now that things have progressed and and everything is coming out in the open should I tell her this? Should I even be thinking about this? I have so much in my mind that I am confused as hell about this. And bringing my uncle into it could be the scariest part. But this has been hanging over me since I was asked and I feel like I need to make a solid decision so that I can put it out of my mind or deal with it.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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I'd advise always being honest with a lawyer about everything you can, and letting them decide what to do with that information. Withholding information can hurt your case and keep a lawyer from doing their best job, and in the off-chance the other person comes out with that information and your lawyer didn't know, them clearly being surprised is never a good thing in court.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Thanks heather, I think your right, I just need to tell her and hopefully she won't want to do much with it right now anyway. I don't think I could cope with that right now.
My counsellor called me this morning from rape crisis and wanted me to come into the city here this morning. I had to say no as I can't get there and im not supposed to go anywhere really that will involve much moving, so walking up and down the quite steep hill I live on won't be so good, especially in the storm we are having right now. It's such a pain because I really needed to see her.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Perhaps you could ask your counsellor if it would be possible to talk to her via the phone until such a time as you are able to go see her in person? It wouldn't be a perfect soulution, but it might be a whole lot better than not having her to talk to at all.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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Yeah I just left another message for her saying just that so hopefully she calls me back this time. Im feeling quite low this morning about everything so it would be good to chat to her. Going to try to do good things for myself today like play my guitar and maybe paint a little. Lots of cups of tea going on over here in this stormy yucky weather!
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
My counsellor finally got back to me and we just chatted on the phone. It's been all this stuff with acc which has been the issue.
She gave me great news about that, rape crisis where she works is jumping all over my case with acc and how I have been treated. She is going to meet with them on my behalf and refuse the assessment they are making me have unless it's with a female this time as it should be, as they have said I only have to see a man.
she is also going to organise with my lawyer what to release to the media about all of this and how I've been treated, to put it out to the government that the current acc minister is really screwing rape and abuse victims. And
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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(Btw, feel free to tell her that if they/she want a hand with getting some international coverage, I'd be happy to pitch in.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Will do! I was reluctant about it at first but then she told me that a lot of woman are retraumatized by how acc treats them and what they are made to do, but that my case has been the worst they have seen and could potentially change things for others. So im going to try for the sake of other women who may have to go thru what I have.
this news has made me feel a little less hopeless, and a little more powerful than I have been. I need to do this for any of those feelings to make a difference. I am so scared though at the same time.
I have been having terrible anxiety pains in my chest since I found out all this today, im ignoring them as much as I can. I feel scared about my information that's already been released to the public, with my new address on it etc, esp since I have been receiving so many threats. It's a constant worry for me . Whenever someone drives past my house I get the feeling of panic go right through me. It's a horrible lonely feeling, and today it's a battle.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Oh, I'm sure it's flipping terrifying. having private records be...well, you don't know where, is really scary. And on top of everything else? UGH.
But I agree, whether you help with this or not, you ARE powerful, Emily. I'm glad you're feeling a bit of it right now. Hope you know that even when you aren't feeling it, it's still there.
What are you doing to help manage your anxiety right now?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I am trying to feel the power as much as I can. I have that horrible butterfly feelin in my stomach and my chest is all tight and awful today. I think just being stuck without being able to move around a whole lot scares me and so does the surgery coming up because if someone did decide to show up here I would not be able to do my best to get away from them. I know it must sound dumb but I am really scared about it. I don't like feeling like a sitting duck here right now.
part of that worry is because some of the threats I have had are from ppl who do take a lot of drugs and who are unpredictable and have a lot of connections and that is not helping my anxiety. I am just going over and over it in my head and it's not good for me.
I have been trying to do a bit of artwork, trying to play the guitar etc, but I can't shake it off right now. It's just am awful awful feeling.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
So, maybe a basic safety plan would help you feel a bit better?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I have been trying to figure it out but I can't think straight about it. I don't know how I could get out of it if someone did come.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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So, first, your phone: by your bed? Emergency numbers in easy access?
Then something hidden that makes you feel safe per self-defense: like a bat, a piece of wood, mace, whatever you have that could give you something. (I don't think you'll need it, this is more about you not feeling so defenseless.)
Doors all locked?
What about also checking in to recognize that given you're in the middle of a legal case, which makes clear you will fight back in ways that people tend to want to avoid, no one is likely to do anything more than threaten you?
Also, how are you still getting these threats? However that is, can you cut that ability form people threatening you? More to the point, have you reported ALL these threats, with names and numbers to your lawyer?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Also, do you know any of your neighbors yet? If so, can you ring any of them, let them know you're ill, and just ask them to check in on you once a day or so?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
okay I can do those things. I have not told my lawyer about the threats, well I have the first but not the latest. Sometimes they call my cell using a private number, usually I would not answer but sometimes I do because the other agencies im in touch with have blocked numbers when they call too.
I have been scared to tell anyone about it cause they told me if I did they would just have someone else come get me. I think most of them are either friends or contacts of him and they have probably been asked to intimidate me, and it's working.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
So, how about not answering your cell from any numbers you don't already know? And yes, tel your lawyer about anyone and everyone who has threatened you.
You know, the thing about threats is that people who make them usually do because they have no intent of carrying them out. They are only to scare you.
But, as Audre Lorde said, and as I know you know, your silence won't protect you. Staying silent usually only makes us feel more afraid and makes us MORE vulnerable to harm, not less. If we want to be safe, we have to speak up and ask for help.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I guess so. Everything is just feeling so overwhelming and it's like even though I get some good news and I get some good stuff to think about out of that I feel like I did when I was a kid and my life was controlled by others who didn't care about me and by him. It feels like that again, and feeling that is just hard.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Can you maybe say some more about why right now -- especially when you're living on your own, in a new town, away from these folks -- you think you're feeling like these others have control over you?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
It's not so much just them but the court the case and acc, my family being unwilling to help. It's just that feeling of being scared and trapped and anxious all the time. I have it a lot but it's sometimes more intense than others.
I try not to think about specific times from when I was a kid but at times like this I often get stuck on something and everything else just starts to feel too much. Sometimes I still feel ten years old.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
So, some of this is sounding to me like still having a lot of attachment to wanting care from people who -- because of their failings, not yours -- just aren't going to give it to you.
Which obviously is very painful and heartbreaking. But too, I think still holding onto that desire when the reality has made so terribly clear it's not going to happen might be some of where you're feeling stuck and kid-like.
What do you think?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I think you are right. It really should not be something I should even think about because it's not going to change and I do know that. But I just can't stop feeling hurt about it and sometimes it's something I can't get off my chest.
It really hurts that I never meant anything to them, but it hurts worse that now with all they know they still have no concern for me. I don't know why it hurts me so much. I do remember when I was a kid I always thought eventually someone would knock on the door and it would be my real family coming to take me away, and that fantasy kept me going a lot of the time back then. But when your co adult you can't do that. And reality sucks.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Well, I'm not sure how we just don't think about our families tossing us to the wolves. That's huge stuff, painful stuff, really hard stuff. It hurts so much because...well, it's going to.
But I also think there's a balance to try and find over time, where you make sure you are not still hanging on hoping and waiting for someone to treat you well when they aren't going to, which of course also leaves you vulnerable to them hurting you more. You have to find some way to close some of the doors so that a) you're less attached and can move on and find people who WILL care for you, and b) so the same people can't just keep hurting and disappointing you your whole life.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Yeah, closing those doors would be great for me. It's just the matter of how I can do it completely, sometimes I think I have but in reality I haven't.
I think I need to stop searching for reasons for it all and try to accept that it's just how it is, but that's hard for me to do. I like to try to problem solve, just in general, and this is natural for me to try to figure out reasons and whether it was me that bought it on myself or if there really is just no reason. But there has to be. I need to stop looking for it.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
You know, my sense is that when you look for reasons with the behavior of your family, it's still been coming from a self-bale place: in other words, you seem to always keep trying to figure what YOU did wrong.
From where I'm sitting, the answer is that your family is, and from the sounds of things, always has been, deeply dysfunctional. Something they would have been even if you had never been part of that family. I think that's pretty clear not just with what you have been through, but how other sibs have turned out, etc.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I have spent the whole day today in this strange state of grief which has been overwhelming and just weird. I am not sure what that's all been about, as I am not usually much of a crier, but I have been a wreck curled up in a ball sobbing my heart out kind of wreck. Not very cool.
I wish I could say I am now feeling a bit better but to be honest I feel like I could do that again for the rest of the week and I still would not have got it all out.
I am feeling so broken. I want this whole thing to just happen without me. It's been so hard for so long I just need it all to stop. I know I have to push through this last little bit to be done but god it's feeling just so hard.
Im sorry to be so back and forward here, I feel like I am always here whining about my life which is not how I want to be.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
It's okay. I'm just sorry that I'm not available for the most part for the next few days.
But I also think that a good bout of crying is probably a very good thing. I think you lock up hard feelings a lot in terms of really, really getting them out, so that release is really important.
Of course, one day of crying won't really make pain go away, or make everything better, either. If only!
You're not broken. You're wounded, and you're healing. That can be hard, but it's a very different thing than being broken.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I am feeling really drained today. I did drag myself out of bed today and get up and dressed, trying to feel a little better but with no success so far. I spoke to my lawyer today about the things I mentioned earlier, and she was pleased I told her, but pretty overwhelmed with the information. I asked her not to bring it up unless she really has to, and she agreed.
It is kind of hard to explain how I am feeling right now, but I am pretty wiped out and down.
I just want this whole thing to be over.
Surgery is on monday, so I have the next coupld of days to get my stuff sorted out for when I get home. I am supposed to have someone come with me and pick me up after etc but I don't have anyone so I left a message at rape crisis asking if there was possibly someone available to just come get me afterwards if I don't have to stay in long. I am not looking forward to it, and hoping it will be just day surgery and they will not admit me up to the ward. That is the last place I want to be right now.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Bit here and there myself right now, but just wanted to check in with you before your surgery to see how you're doing.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hey heather, im just getting ready to leave to head to the hospital now, surgery this morning. Im feeling a bit nervous can't. It all but I think a lot of it is about doi ngit on my own.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Surgery done, back at home now, feeling really sore but glad its all over. Had a few complications which were not expected but mostly its all good. Moving very slowly and feeling very groggy still.
I got a lift home with a volunteer as I was going to get a cab but they wouldn't let me, so was pretty lucky, but home alone now and its a bit daunting to be honest. Im hoping tomorrow I will be feeling a bit more like myself, but right now I am feeling pretty down and overwhelmed.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Glad to hear that your surgery is over and that you got a drive home from the hospital. I hope you're feeling better soon. It might help to think that every second that you pass is one second closer to being healthy and happy, and living on your own terms.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Im not here with good news today. I can't do all this anymore. I left a message for my lawyer saying I can't. I can't cope with having to constantly prove myself, I can't go through anymore for this case. Im sorry to waste your time, but I think it's time to give up.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Ems: saw where you tweeted me about this too and left a short set of tweets back. Just a reminder that today is a travel day for me, so I'm afraid I have no time to talk with you about this.
As I said in those tweets, I hope you remember that your choice to pursue justice needs to be that: yours, and not one based on getting or not getting approval or service from anyone else, but based on what you want and need for yourself, and think will be best for you long-term. This has nothing to do with wasting anyone's time.
I'd suggest you give yourself a day to think about it rather than making a hasty choice, and have a talk with your lawyer and rape crisis to get any extra help you need weighing the pros and cons of your choices with this, especially since this is one of those things where if you choose to abandon it, I imagine ever seeking out justice again will be even more difficult than it is now.
Whatever choice you make, though, we'll support you. This isn't about us. It's about you.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
hey heather, I forgot you were travelling today sorry about all this when you have so much on. I have given myself the weekend to think about it. I am just feeling so stressed out with it. My mum said she was getting sick because of it and that felt terrible, even though I know it's probably lies. I got another threatening email which I forwarded to my lawyer but I felt really scared about this one. I don't think there is much more I can take. I want to go through with this case but I just don't think I can anymore. It's so hard.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
I hear that you're feeling really exhausted and discouraged by all of this. You're also still recovering from a pretty traumatic surgery. That takes a while and can have a pretty tough toll on your mind and body. I'm not just pulling that out of thin air either. I've been through lots of medical stuff.
I agree with Heather that it would be good to sit down and have a chat with your lawyer.
You're a very caring person, Em, so I understand why hearing your Mom say this is making her sick would really weigh on you. You're important too though, and from what I understand your Mom has been less than supportive. If you need to stop this case for your own sake, to help you feel better, stronger, les upset, whatever it is that you're looking for, that's terrific. You're not accountable to anyone if you decide to end it...our feelings won't be hurt. You're also not accountable to anyone for continuing it. Either way, do it for you.
Sending gentle hugs if you'd like them.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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posted
nixieGurl, I know we haven't spoken before, but I have been reading, this and at least your previous thread. I wasn't sure what to say to you, and I finally figured that it probably didn't matter exactly, that was my problem and I should get over myself, because with the lack of in-person support it sounds like you have, every person adding their voice is one more person on your side, and you should know that there's another person on your side. I've been rooting for you the whole way through. I believe everything you say about what that guy did to you, and that he's got a load of people either scared or hoodwinked. I believe you're entitled to seek justice in whatever way you feel is best for you, and you have the right to be free of this person.
I'm so sorry that he seems to be doing everything he can to put obstacles in your way. The whole thing makes me so angry, I could spit. It sounds like he's deliberately making the whole process as hard and as unpleasant as possible for you so that you'll give up. If dropping the case is something that you feel is honestly best for you, then, well of course I want what's best for you, full support here. I just wouldn't want you to drop something that you really wanted for yourself, because of his actions.
About your Mom, I also thought: even if this case Is making her ill, this case started with him, not you. She isn't ill because of anything that you're doing or have done; she's ill because of all the things he's done to you. The person who did the harm in the first place is the person who's responsible for any stress caused by a search for justice.
Sending you solidarity and support in whatever you choose.
-------------------- The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not. Posts: 726 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011
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posted
I just want you to know that I admire you so much, no matter which choices you make.
But, I was wondering; is there any way to get a new email address that the awful people won't have?
-------------------- ~ Ray Scarleteen Volunteer
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. - Elie Wiesel Posts: 1231 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010
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I don't know where I am at with all of this right now to be honest. I am torn. Whichever way I chose to go there is going to be consequences. If I drop the case it will be easier for right now, but I might have to regret that decision for a long time. I might have to live with being raped again by him. If I don't drop it I will have to endure more of the crap they are throwing at me which feels so impossible right now, and I also have to accept that there is a very real chance that it won't work out in my favour anyway judging from past experience in this country.
This time in a week I turn 26. I won't be celebrating, I wont be spending time with family or friends and probably won't hear from them. I won't be looking forward to a year where anything significant will happen. I am basically looking at another year of fighting for my rights with the knowledge it might be all pointless. I look at my friends on facebook etc from my old town and they are out partying etc, I can't do that because of my addiction issues. They are dating or have partners, my last partner ran me over in my car.
The truth is that right now I feel more dead than alive. I know this whole post is full of self pity and I hate that it is. I hate that I am so self centered with all of this. I don't like myself at all right now. I don't have a good reason to get up out of bed each day, most of the time I don't talk to a single soul for days on end.
I don't know what way to go with this case. I don't want to have to choose. I don't even know what I am asking you all for here, half the time I don't know what I have even written down here. I just am here.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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The important decisions in life are never ones that have a losing side and a winning side, and I know you know that. You have every right to feel however you feel, you have every right to not know what you want.
You are strong and amazing and that is true whatever you decide with this.
I'm not really sure what to say, if I could say some magical thing that would make it better I would. I am here for you and so is every one else here on Scarleteen. You have the support from us that you so rightfully deserve to have in person. No matter what happens you can always come here for support. *hugs and tons of support*
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
Hey, thanks, I appreciate all of the kind words here so much.
I have not made a decision yet on this. Im still thinking it all over. I have been very depressed this week. It's hard not seeing my new counsellor more than once a month. It's very lonely right now. I have been spending a lot of time in bed wishing it would work itself out somehow if I just don't get up.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293
posted
Hi Nixie,
Are you able to talk this over with your lawyer? I'm wondering if that will help you feel less alone at least with making a decision.
You can only see your counsellor once a month? I'm sorry to hear this. I can understand why that wouldn't feel like enough. Does the agency you're getting counselling through have groups as well? Either support groups or group therapy? Is this something you think might be helpful in addition to the individual counselling?
As always, we're here and we support you.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4401 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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I have talked to my lawyer about it, and she doesnt want me to throw in the case as she wants to put him away. I see the rape crisis here that is where my counsellor is, she is good but I never get to see her. I am really not doing so well with all of this though. I am not sure how long I can carry on feeling this depressed without being put in hospital again. It is like treading water and I am running out of steam. I'm over it.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Hey nixie, like Redskies I've not known what to say, and not posted in a long while.
I'm really sorry that things are especially rough right now. I don't think this post is at all filled with self-pity or that you are being self-centred. What I can see, and admire a lot, is you doing a lot of hard stuff and making tough decisions that will help you to survive, like moving cities, doing nice things for yourself, having surgery and getting Rape Crisis to help you. That is so, so brave, especially in the absence of support and/or outright opposition from the people who should have your back.
It totally sucks that you have to make this decision. To echo what's been said above, you have every right to be uncertain, and to take the action that is best for you, not your lawyer, mum or anyone else. And you are the best person to determine what that action should be.
It's unfortunate that your counsellor can only see you once a month. Are they aware of what you have described recently re: receiving threats, feeling depressed and being worried and unsure about whether you can continue with the charges? You've identified that one counselling session a month isn't enough right now, which seems eminently reasonable. If they don't know that already (not sure when you last saw/spoke to your counsellor) will you have a chance to talk to Rape Crisis (on the phone maybs), update them and ask about what more they can provide right now or if they can refer you to affordable additional support?
Thinking of you and sending 5TB worth of virtual hugs.
Posts: 79 | From: the southern hemisphere | Registered: May 2006
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Hey there, Ems. I'm finally back from all the work travel. Just getting settled back in, but thought I'd check in with you and see where you're at with all of this and how you're feeling.
Hope you didn't fail to notice what's clearly a pretty amazing cheering section for you here.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Yeah I totally am overwhelmed with it here heather, im not used to this type of reaction to this stuff but it is so nice to feel the love here. Im ok, trying to be anyway, walking down the beach everyday with the dog is helping. Tomorrow is my birthday and originally I was going to be alone but now im meeting up with scarleteens other kiwi for coffee so im not feeling as low about being alone as I was. I don't even really care about birthdays usually but it's one year since I last went out drinking for my last birthday and that is a bit of a trigger for me I guess. I hope you had a great time away though heather, you deserve a proper break!
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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Hey, congrats on your one year, and a happy birthday in advance (I always forget our birthdays are close to each other)!
I was away for work, alas, but that's okay. I'll find some downtime this summer.
What are you feeling like you need right now in order to keep on keepin' on?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I am feeling quite lonely today. I guess it's just the whole birthday thing, who knows. I am not very excited about it. I am not entirely sure what I need right now. My depression has been creeping in on me pretty bad. I am feeling swamped by it. It's scary for me because I have been down this road before with the bipolar stuff and I am recognizing a lot of the signs that I am getting really unwell which is so scary. I don't want to have to go to hospital, so I am trying to pull myself out of it. But I think I am officially in too deep.
Posts: 608 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004
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