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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Abuse & Assault » New update (Page 4)

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Author Topic: New update
nixieGurl
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Hi again, im sorry this thread is gettin so long, I hope it's not too much of a bother. I am house sitting right now for a couple of night's, I like having the dog and cat around me, but im seriously struggling with loneliness. It's been gettin worse. It's not so much about having people around because I go out and am around people during the day, but I feel like I have some really big decisions to make and it's hard just sitting with that. The friend of mine who asked me lo drop everything called me this morning and told me about what people have been saying about me. I shouldn't let it hurt me because they are not friends but I didn't want to know, and I didn't want her to try to guilt me that way. It's hard to do the right thing by myself when I am hearing about how wrong what I am doing is. It's just all really sucky right now I guess. And I am tired of being alone.
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Karybu
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I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, Ems. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you, trying to go through with doing what you know is right when everyone around you is so unsupportive, but for what it's worth, I think you're amazingly strong. (And you're not being a bother, that's what we're here for. This thread can be as long as it needs to be.)

*hugs*

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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nixieGurl
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Thanks karybu, I appreciate that so much. I am just sitting with huge doubts right now. I mean in my mind he deserves to go to prison for what he did to me, but it's starting to feel like others really don't see what he did to me as something I should want to punish him for, and it's hard not to take hearing that as it's ol because im not worth much as a person. I guess that hurts because I have always tried to be a good friend, and be there for them whatever happens. And I don't feel that is reciprocated very much. I feel really isolated and worthless right now.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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It really sucks that you're feeling that way, and given the way you've been treated it is completely valid to be feeling that way, but please know that you aren't worthless. You're worth so, so much.

I don't really think I've seen you around Scarleteen much except on this thread and the one proceeding it, but I feel like I've got a pretty good picture of your strength and perseverance and clarity.

You seem like you're second guessing whether you feel like going through with the trial is the right thing, am I correct in thinking that? I know that, from what you wrote earlier, it really seemed like you felt that this was the best thing you could do. Do you still feel this way? (By all means, I'm not saying at all that you shouldn't go through with the trial, quite the contrary, but I think that it can help to stop and evaluate just how it is that you feel every once and a while).

You are worth so, so much nixieGurl, so, so so so so much. It might not feel like it right now, but it is true.

This might help, and if it doesn't, ignore it completely, but where do you see yourself in ten years? How do you see yourself in terms of being physically safe, emotionally healthy, and supported on all counts? Where do you want to be? What do you need to do now, and in the long run, to get to where you want to be? (Sorry if I'm dumping a lot of questions on you there, or if I'm asking questions that you're just not at a place to answer. Feel free to ignore the above paragraph if you wish).

Also, if you'd like to know, I certainly know where I see you in ten years. But I'll let you think about where you see yourself before I say anything.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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nixieGurl
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I feel like it is still the best thing to do for me, but not for others. But at the same time I don't want anyone else hurt. If that makes any sense.

I don't really know how to see myself in ten years, I would like to think that this whole thing would be over and I would like to think I maybe could have a family or something, kids I guess, and finish my degree. But I know the reality of that is not great for me, I don't think there would really be any guy keen to take me on as a partner and esp have kids with me.

If I am being realistic I should probably just hope that in ten years im not in another psych ward and jobless.

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Heather
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Ems: the way I see it, who you reporting like you did and continuing your case benefits most is you and everyone else potentially vulnerable to him. In other words, who you're working to protect are the most vulnerable people in this: the people who need the most help and protection. Who, if we were viewing all of this as a triage, would be tagged to get helped first.

Why on earth wouldn't a family be in the cards for you? From where I'm sitting, having known you a very long time, it seems to me that you'd be a pretty amazing person for someone to create a life and family with.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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nixieGurl I second everything that Heather said.

And you know where I see you in ten years? Happy, healthy and safe. I see you living in whatever way makes you the most happy.

Like Heather said, there is no reason to think that a family wouldn't be something achievable for you.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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nixieGurl
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I guess it's just that most of the time the guys I've met are not really interested in me at all, unless it's to be abusive toward me or to have sex. I have just always seemed to have bad relationships. It's hard watching my friends gettin on with their lives and having families and good jobs, and im just kinda here.

I know I should be more positive about the future, I do try to be, I suppose it's just my attitude right now, I need to work harder to change it .

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Heather
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I think one important thing to remember is that if and when the models we have learned for relationships are abusive or dysfunctional, we have to learn how to have healthy ones.

And when we really haven't yet, then for sure, a lot of the relationships we'll have will wind up sticking in those patterns. That isn't to say abuse is the fault of anyone being abused, but relationships are made of more than one person, and so what we will and will not accept or tolerate, what we do or don't enable, and how we structure our relationships matters a lot.

So, for example, if we say yes to crap...well, we're going to get crap, both because we say yes to it, but also because healthy people won't tend to be drawn to people who enable or accept the yucky stuff. Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yeah I know what you mean, I know in the past I have let a lot of stuff fly that I should not have with my partners because I was either scared or didn't know what to do, or because I don't think I could really be bothered with the fight or argument.

I am not keen on marriage. I never have been, I don't like the idea of being tied into that, I don't see the point in marriage to be honest. But I would like a partner who I could have kids with. I know I could do it on my own though.

I don't feel attractive either. I feel so embarrassed just to go out and be seen by people a lot of the time. I just don't have any confidence really right now. And the more I hide away on my own the more lonely and sad I feel.

I need to make some changes, I know I do, I just don't know how to start on it.

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Heather
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I think you have been making some changes, Ems. And I also think that there are times in our lives when we need to hibernate, and that's okay. [Smile]

This is all process, you know that. And I know that when we're in the thick of it, sweet jaysis, does time ever move SO VERY SLOWLY. So, it can be hard to see the positive changes we're making. But you have been, and you're in it.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks heather, and you are so right about how slow this is all feeling for me. I have to really work out how to change some stuff for me though. I am trying to get fit and healthy at the moment, but struggle with being outside and on my own at time's. I think if I can get my body back to how I feel comfortable then I would feel a whole lot better too. I used to be so fit because I had the drive to push myself and now I feel like I don't have that. I feel out of energy all the time.


I think I need to really sit down and make a plan of how the hell I can get out of this mind set I have been in. It's hard to know where to start!

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Heather
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Were you able to check out that mixed martial arts center yet?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Yup I called but they have to let me know when it's a good time and have not heard back yet. I think it would be cool to go there and check it out.
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Heather
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I do, too!

If it turns out you like it, a tip from me: when I found an MMA studio I liked for the first time in Minneapolis, I couldn't afford to take weekly classes, so I asked about bartering, which worked out. For me it was offering to do some teaching with things I do know, for you maybe it's seeing if they would like to provide childcare for a class or two?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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That's a good idea! I didn't think of that, I could totally do that. I have been doing some brain storming just this morning about things I can do to get me out of this place I am currently in mentally. That can go on the list too, but so far I have:

go to aa, even just to meet people, as I don't feel I really need the meetings anymore but I guess it's a safe place to go out to and be around ppl and offer my help as I have been sober for a year other than a slip up one-day around Christmas time which I am not counting lol.

Paint some scenes around Wellington and take them to local markets (there are many, and I have sold a lot in Christchurch this way). Even if I only get the money to buy more paint it will make me feel happy to have a goal each week to finish.

Get dads guitar fixed so I can play again, mine is back in Christchurch, and back there I used to play at the salvation army events to help them raise money for their rehabs, one of which I went to, so I could ask about doing that up here.

Instead of stressing about gettin a job all the time, as I have had no luck at all, even at the local supermarkets etc, I think I should finish up my application for financial compensation which I am entitled to, I just need to do some organising to get it done and see one of the psychiatric doctors here in Wellington. I will still look for a job of course but that money could help me do what I really want to do which is my art and eventually go back to school to finish my nursing degree.

I also think as far as the rape case is going I need to put it out of my mind until they actually need me to do something again, and ask my lawyer to not email me all the bad updates about how it might be, I know she is preparing me and I appreciate that so much, but trust me I am prepared by now and focussing on it all the time is making me ill.

What do you think?

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Heather
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I think ALL of this sounds totally awesome.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Cool, I will try to do this stuff and see how it goes I guess
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nixieGurl
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Hey again, well I am back after one hell of a day with good news and bad. The good can be first... I actually made a friend today who I had met once before because I had looked after her little girl once, so she asked me to do that again tonight and that's where I am now, it's great to know someone else here now who I can at least chat to and have coffee. And she is paying me to look after her wee girl which I didn't want h er to but it's a big bonus right now.

The bad news Is that I woke up at four this morning with severe pain like cramps but lower down, went to get out of bed and realised I couldn't really move and that I was bleeding badly, so had to literally crawl to my car and drive which was near impossible to the hospital. I would have called an ambulance but can't afford the cost of one right now so had to get there myself.

Long story short, I really did a lot of harm to myself from having sex when told not to, I know lesson learnt. Didn't get home from hospital till this afternoon so am exhausted. But I did bump into my new friend there as her kid was there with a broken hand so I guess that's one good thing to come out of it. So now im tucked up in bed with her ten year old and she is at work, so im doing ok here, thank god for the company really!

My surgery will be sooner than expected, I just got out of having it today narrowly and convinced them I can look after myself and handle the pain till I can come up with some plan to get thru a big surgery on my own in a new city. I hope this made sense, im tired out.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I'm sorry to hear about the hospital trip and the pain. But I'm glad to hear that you made a new friend and are getting paid to watch her child.

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~moonlight

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nixieGurl
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Heading back to hospital again tonight ugh. This is so annoying. Im bleeding again and in pain so just rang them and im goin back in.
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eryn_smiles
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Oh no! really?? Take care, am thinking of you xx

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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nixieGurl
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Hi again, should not really be on my phone but laying in a add here with heavy bleeding still, feeling quite sick so spending the night. It might be surgery time by the look of it. It's quite a worry for me because I will have to get myself organised when I get home but I will be ok . Just feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all.
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Heather
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Hang in there, you, and please do follow whatever the doctors advise, okay? If surgery needs to happen sooner, then it does, you know?

Glad to hear your good news and thinking the best about your health.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Hey heather,

I will. Still here just waiting to hear what's going to happen. It's been busy here so prob no surgery as it's Sunday and they want to put me on the weekday list. I am hoping that means I can go home for a bit before surgery and then just come in for a day surgery and get back home.

I will do whatever they tell me to though so if I have to stay then I have to stay.

I just really don't need all this right now, I need to be finding a job and gettin back on my feet, and this is so frustrating as it's setting me back yet again. I am a bit over it all, over the worries and stress about everything.
I just can't seem to be able to move forward without being set back all the time. And this whole thing is because of him, and that is hard to deal with .

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Heather
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You know how this goes, this two steps forward, one back - or more. I know knowing that doesn't make any of it easier, but progressing with anything usually goes that way: anything and everything. progress doesn't tend to be linear, even though life would sure the heck be easier if it was.

Yes, by all means, you being unwell has a lot to do with the man who abused you, and even in the ways you didn't care for yourself around it that aren't about him, you're right, this stared with him.

I know in one way that can be hard to hold, but in another, if you use it right, it can give you some strength. After all, you've been keeping up with the process of holding him responsible for that in the most just way possible, and that's a big deal that is ALL you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks heather,

I know what you mean, it's just frustrating. Im finding it hard to admit out loud, but im really scared. Not of the surgery, I have had plenty, but of being vulnerable and not able to defend myself as best I can when I have death threats over me etc. Im scared of doing this on my own. And im scared of myself sometimes with my mental health. Im scared because I can't find work and can't get back to school.

Im trying not to be like this, and I am trying to be positive

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Heather
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I think you have every reason to feel scared, Ems. You're in the thick of a lot of scary stuff after all.

It's okay to feel scared. It's okay to have times when we don't feel strong, too. And I'd say owning and allowing them is probably a lot more helpful than trying to just pretend we don't feel that way or trying to make those feelings go away.

I don't suppose that new counselor has gotten back to you?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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the new counsellor missed our appointment this week and never called me back, I left a couple of messages but then never heard back. I rang rape crisis on their hotline to talk too but they said to wait till my counsellor can get back to me.

It's been hard not having her to talk to about it all. I would like to just be able to tell her how scared I am so that at least someone could talk to me here.

It's all just a lot to handle right now. I would like to say that I can get thru it but sometimes I really don't think I can.

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Heather
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Oh, ugh. Grr.

You're right, it IS a lot to handle. And it really stinks that you haven't been able to get some counseling help with this yet.

I don't suppose your lawyer/advocate could help you get connected to counseling services? Surely, she of all people know how much it is to ask of you to go through all of this without support.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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I flicked her an email about it so im hoping she can help. She is usually really good like that.

I feel really lonely right now. I am so over all of this.

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Heather
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I just noticed there's a YWCA in Wellington:

YWCA of Greater Wellington Incorporated
Address: Level 3, 75 Ghuznee Street, PO Box 9563, Wellington
Tel: (04) 385 0505
Fax: (04) 801 6966
Email: enquiries@wgtnywca.org.nz
Website: www.wgtnywca.org.nz

YWCAs usually know about or host all kinds of support groups, and YWCAs tend to be excellent organizations and community networking spaces.

How about maybe checking them out to see what they might have to offer?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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nixieGurl
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Thanks heather, I will call them this week and ask. I hadn't thought of them and didn't realise there was one up here. I called my mum and she wasn't interested. I was not surprised about that. Im not sure why I bothered calling.

I am really feeling a bit sick now, and im not happy about that as I don't want to be not allowed to go home. But I am admittedly sore as hell. And so tired. I just don't feel safe sleeping here in hospital. I don't like that people can walk in and get me.

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Heather
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I didn't realize you were still in there: how about asking THEM if they have a rape counselor on staff? Chances are good that they do.

Please do be honest with the staff about how you're feeling, though, so they can help you make the best choices for your health, okay?

And really, I think it's very safe to say you're safer there than at home: any of us are, in reality.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
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Yeah they won't let me go yet, because of the bleeding and because of infection etc. Im on iv antibiotics. So they have to run thru. They sent a psych person to speak to me who said I could go to the psych hospital if I'm scared or anything, which I turned down very quickly. The social worker came too but she said im doing everything right so not much else to suggest other than. "make some friends in a group" . Not very helpful.
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