posted
I think is *SO* important that it deserves its own short thread for people to look over and evaluate whether they may be in an abusive relationship.
The following information was given to me by a classmate of mine who works extensively with battered women, but it all applies to both men and women.
Read ths following and if you check two or more on this list, you are in a relationship that is not safe for you. Checklist [] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me []My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me []I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
And some links to check out if you think this applies to you and you need more help: Break the Cycle - Empowering Youth to End Domestic Violencehttp://www.break-the-cycle.org/ National Coalition Against Domestic Violencehttp://www.webmerchant.com/ncadv
And if you are in the Los Angeles Area, Sojourn is an organization that offers services to battered women and their kids. Give them a call at (310)264.6644
posted
I wish I would have had that checklist A LOT sooner. My ex filled every one of those checks. I'm glad I got away.. he raped me too. *sigh* I still can't deal with it..
Posts: 41 | From: Michigan,USA | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
I FILLED IN ABOUT 4. BUT I LOVE HIM. AND HES EXTREMELY JEALOUS. HE MADE ME STOP WEARING MAKEUP. AND I CANT GO OUT. OR TALK TO ANY OF MY GUY FRIENDS. HE EVEN GETS MAD WHEN I GO TO THE MALL. SHOULD I BE WORRIED. HE PROMISED HE'D NEVER HURT ME BUT WHEN HE GETS MAD, IM SCARED OF HIM
Posts: 37 | From: El Monte, C.A, America | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Yes, you should definitely be worried. Honestly, you should be ending this relationship.
Someone who controls your appearance, your friendships, and your ability to leave your home is abusive. Promising not to physically hurt you doesn't change the fact that you're still being very badly mistreated.
You should not have to change yourself, end your friendships, become home-bound, or fear someone's temper in a relationship. Please use the information above and get out now.
Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001
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posted
Oh my gosh...my boyfriend applies to so many of these things...but he's never raised a hand to me. Should I be worried anyway?
------------------ My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me? So I'd die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst. To break or bury, or wear as jewelry. Whichever you prefer. [hands down . dashboard confessional]
posted
empathy, YES, be worried. If you checked more thna two of those boxes, and he hasn't hit you, it's still time to be concerned. After all, are you going to wait for him to hit you (and if you checked enough of those, really, it's only a matter of time till he does)??? Abuse isn't just physical, y'know.
Don't wait for him to strike. now that you know you're in a bad situation, you can do something about it. You can leave.
If you choose to warn him, then show him the checklist. You are worthy of respect. what does he do specifically, anyway?
posted
Checklist [X] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [X]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [X] I am afraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [X]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
He'd NEVER hit me. He apologizes profusely when he leans on my hair when we lay next to each other in bed, he apologized over and over the first time we had sex because I was in pain. He said something really hurtful the last time we had a fight and he cried over the phone. I mean...maybe he's just a volatile personality...he hates even THINKING that he's hurt me. He overreacts sometimes to things I do or say, he gets suspicious when I even talk to other guys. He was with me 24/7 when we went on a class trip, I never hung out with my other friends. He keeps me from hanging with my friends sometimes. He just seems...really sensitive.
------------------ My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me? So I'd die happy. My heart is yours to fill or burst. To break or bury, or wear as jewelry. Whichever you prefer. [hands down . dashboard confessional]
[This message has been edited by missempathy (edited 04-18-2004).]
posted
Heyy, Listen, I know what its like to just think "he's really sensitive". I was in a relationship about 2 years ago, where I thought the same thing. And if I were to check things off on that list, it would be all the same ones that you've checked but I'd have to add the one where he checked up on me a lot, and possibly one or two more.
There were plenty of times when he'd say something really hurtful, and I would think "well he's just overreacting to what I say...it'll be ok". There were plenty of times when he'd cry to me, and say he hated thinking that he'd hurt me. Said, he wouldnt be able to live with himself if he hurt me or if we broke up.
These are all ABUSIVE signals. Just because you think he'd never hit you, doesnt mean it is not abuse. Abuse isnt just physically beating someone, Abuse is emotional, Abuse is verbal. I realize now that I was IN an abusive relationship. I would not listen to my friends and family when they tried to tell me that my relationship was unhealthy.
I find myself in my relationship with my current wonderful boyfriend of a year and half, falling into some habits that I had with my last relationship. I find myself asking over and over and over again if its OK to do something, I find myself asking him multiple times if he's *sure* he's ok meeting my family.... (Things my ex-boyfriend would give me crap about.)
These are things that scar you from being in a relationship like this. Believe me when I say you WANT to be worried about this, you WANT to get out of this relationship. My ex-boyfriend never hit me either, at the time as far as I was concerned he'd never dreamed of hitting me either....but that doesnt mean its healthy, or even worse, that it wouldnt have progressed to that.
If you have to cry on the phone and he has to apologize for his actions on a regular basis, and he keeps you from your friends and/or family, this is NOT a healthy relationship.
I was able to find a way out, I had a good friend who saw that I was in a bad situation and talked me through what I should do. I hope the same for you, because even though you dont have physical scars right now to prove it, you will have the emotional scars far awhile (whether its progressed to hitting or not!).
Please please please, do something good for yourself and get out of this relationship while its still in the early stages of abuse.
------------------ Hope this helped a bit -Faeryprinces
[This message has been edited by Faeryprinces (edited 04-19-2004).]
Posts: 227 | From: New Jersey, USA | Registered: Mar 2003
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And yet he seems to be doing a lot of things which hurt, frighten or control you.
It's a classic pattern for someone to behave in an abusive way, then apologize and beg to be forgiven and promise never to do it again, then behave abusively, then apologize, then ... and often it goes on and on and on and on (sometimes getting worse and worse) until the other person gets out of the relationship.
At the very least, you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend and let him know that you're hurt by his behaviour (e.g. by his jealousy, his keeping your from your friends, his "over-reacting", etc.).
But if he won't listen - or if he apologizes but then keeps behaving in exactly the same way - you need to think about getting out of the relationship.
Plenty of people are sensitive - it's not an excuse for bullying or intimidating your partner, or for making them feel as if they're to blame for your emotions.
My Relationship Checklist: [X] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [X] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [X] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [X] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [X] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)
Wow, I really wish I had this checklist a year ago. Now that I'm in this relationship and it's been over a year, I'm now realizing more than ever how many of these horrible qualities my boyfriend really has. I guess I needed the information right in front of me. Thanks GumpDrop Girl, but now, what do I do?
How in the world do I break up with someone that "loves me" and I "love" him, since we've been together for a year and half! HELP me please!
I need OUT of this relationship -- it has the BEST parts, but I realize his true character more now than ever and I really need help with it!
My mom really wants me to break up with him too, she says we spend WAY too much time together and that I should not accept a marriage proposal, because she feels like he is thinking about it. What do I do? He knows I won't marry him, I've already told him that -- Just I didn't want my mom to know him and I have previously talked about marriage, I didn't want her to think I wanted to, because I don't!
I need help out of this relationship and he isn't the type to take this lightly or to go down without a fight. He will cry to me and beg me not to do this, what do I do? I need some help bad!
posted
One of the best pieces I ever got when I was about to break up with a long-term boyfriend (who was not abusive, for the record, but reacted badly to the breakup) was to do it on neutral territory; an outdoor cafe, or a park or some place where there is a) a lot of people and b) an escape route.
What you need to do is muster up courage and support from people close to you. You mentioned in another thread that your mother was none too keen on your boyfriend; asking her for advice might be an excellent idea. Also, if you plan to break up in person, having her pick you up at a specified time gives you a deadline, so no matter how much he is begging or pleading, you have an 'out'.
Good luck! I don't doubt this was a difficult decision to come to, but you'll be much happier (and healthier) without it.
Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003
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Does this checklist only refer to abuse in partnered relationships? My friend's mother (who she lives alone with) fits many of these descriptions, but since it is a parent/child relationship I realize that this list might not apply.
Posts: 106 | From: New York, NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Blink: I have a question...
Does this checklist only refer to abuse in partnered relationships? My friend's mother (who she lives alone with) fits many of these descriptions, but since it is a parent/child relationship I realize that this list might not apply.
actually, it's pretty applicable in other kinds of relationships. i'm sorry ot hear about your friend. has she come forward for help or advice?
posted
I guess the only exceptions might be with a few items like "My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers)", where a parent may legitimately have some control over a child who is a minor.
Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Her mother takes sleeping pills and diet pills and seems to think she can manipulate my friend into loving her. She's jealous of other adults in my friend's life--she accuses my friend's aunt on the father's side (the father died) of trying to steal my friend away from her, and talks about having to "win [her] back." She's threatened to tie my friend to the bed or physically restrain her from leaving the house (to see the aunt or other people she doesn't like), and screams and curses at her (then later she'll be all, "I love you. Don't you love me too?")
Just so you know, this behavior isn't justified by anything my friend does. She makes good grades, comes home when she says she will, and unlike her mother does not do drugs or engage in other risky behaviors.
She's spoken to the school's guidance counselor about it, but I think she's staying with her mother because she doesn't want to be taken away from everything she knows to a foster home. Her aunt completely supports her and would take custody of her if she could. So it seems like our hands are pretty tied, which frustrates me. And I'm worried.
Posts: 106 | From: New York, NY, USA | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
but what do you do.... my sister is married to a very abusive man. they have three children and i don't know anyone who is not terrified of him, even in the place where they live which is filled with 'macho' types. he is not physically abusive or even particularly strong (he's about 6'4 but skinny) he drinks - every day he is in the bar but he doesn't consider it drinking if its only beer (spirits he considers drinking) and he is terrifying, he yells at my sister all the time and puts her down constantly 'xxxxxa - you're fat/ or/ what are you doing! go and sort out the children / or just a lot of horrible, horrible stuff. my nephew gets it worst - he always gets it in the neck from his father and there is no point trying to step in to defend him because that just means the shouting will go on twice as long and twice as violently (he never physically ever lays a hand on them btw) my neice who is very clever and cool although only eight spends almost every night at one or other of her friends houses - their parents are aware of the situation and she is so popular anyway that it is like an honor almost for whichever child to say that 'xxxxx is staying at mine tonight' but it has forced her to deal with issues that she should never have had to deal with at that age - she is lucky in the fact that she can read her father like a book and as soon as he is about to lose it she's gone..... unfortunately my nephew is completely hopeless at reading his father and that is why he always gets it! my brother-in-law doesn't mean to be a bad man but he has no tolerance at all and he is so sensitive to himself and completely insensitive to others - although he too can read people really well, its weird. when he is in a good mood you feel like nothing can go wrong with the world, totally protected and looked after - it's difficult to explain. i believe he loves my sister in his own way and she loves him (obviously or she would have left) but i wish, my whole family wishes she would leave him - there is no question that we would support her wholeheartedly financially, emotionally (as much as we can) and whatever she would need but she stays with him and i am at a loss as to understand WHY????????? does anyone else have experience of this - i know she has low self-esteem, she was always compared to my elder sister who has always been a little bitchy - very beautiful, always with the naughty, cool kids in school and my eldest sister (funnily enough) has married a great guy - they have four kids - and a life that's totallly enviable particularly on a material level (ponies for the children; swimming pool; huge house; tennis court; skiing holidays; amazing social life; status; and its a lot of fun when you go up to stay - her husband has a great sense of humor and so good with the kids blablablabla). i sometimes wonder whether my sister just can't face another failure in her life and she is soooo good at enduring things - she ought to have been one of these women settlers that trekked across to the west coast in wagons and so on cos she's tough and strong on one level but she has no strength left when it comes to her husband - and i think it was her strenght that initially attracted my brother-in-law but now he has broken her - WHY?? she has hardly any friends; rarely goes out of the house; is overweight; the house is a mess and she has a husband that comes back drunk and shouts at her and she won't allow us to come and visit anymore (and i know that's because he must be worse and she is embarrassed - its like she can deal with it but she can't deal with us seeing it) although her two elder children are going to stay with my mother for the month of August (hooray!!!! i hope it will be fantastic). why do people stay with abusive spouses??? what can you do as a sibling or parent in this situation??? will he ever get better - i mean, at one point he started smoking marijuana and that seemed to make things better for a while - he was calmer. and its funny because he is such a right-wing fascist before he started smoking he probably thought that all long-haired, dope-smoking hippies should be shot. he doesn't work anymore - they set up a business, a tour business together, and now it is run by someone else but they get a small percentage of the profits which allows them to get by - but just.................... and what does it matter because the house looks like a trash can anyway, and they never do anything - except he drinks and shouts down people in the bar - and xxxxxx only goes out to take the children to school and back and also my neice to her dancing and swimming lessons (she is already her area champion for her age group (8) in swimming - and may be considered for some special training apparently they think she may have olympic potential - which is amazing but is just a testament to her determination to get out of the set-up she is in, i reckon) oh my word - i have written and written and written the one problem i have is there is a big age difference between me and my eldest two sisters so we didn't really grow up together - i have another sister just two years older than me too and i am so close with her and love her to bits but i worry a lot about xxxxxx and i just don't know what you can do - i mean she has three children with him maybe she is right sticking it out?????? can he change??? - i know it sounds terrible but i just keep hoping that the drink will do him in (i mean he is a medical miracle, i have never seen him eat - he just drinks and that's it) i mean i don't really mean that but is he ever likely to change he's 49 already - he was married before and is 12 years older than my sister anyway. oh i don't know - i mean they must be happy sometimes right? i often think he behaves worse to her when any of us, her family is around (is that likely) he seems to need to put her down to reassure himself maybe that she isn't going to run away with us..... and he can be fantastic, really engaging and amazing and such a strong personality - i have never come across anyone like him the focus of his energy is like a laser beam (you know i once read an article on Stalin and every single word reminded me of my brother-in-law... and incredible capacity to charm people, inspire loyalty, with a crazy inhumanity, an ability to hold grudges forever, remembering all the slights that have ever happened to him in his entire life and none of the blows he gives out etc. etc. etc.) boy why has this gone on sooooo long -
edited just to take out the names - thanx and sorry for long rant - why should people be so hard on each other???????????????????
[This message has been edited by christinejones (edited 07-26-2004).]
Posts: 139 | From: los angeles | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
oh sh*** how do you edit - i just want to take out my sisters name and my neices name. incase someone comes across this (although there must be quite a few christinejones' in this world - maybe the extra details are a being too indiscreet) as it is my sister's private life rather than my own.
Posts: 139 | From: los angeles | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Christine, you're in LA, I have the phone number to an organization called Sojourn based on the West side listed in the first post in this thread. give them a call. they can help you get help for your sister, or at least offer you some advice.
I can offer a lot of other referrals in LA County for various domestic abuse lines if you call the STD hotline I have listed in my sig. We're in the office Mon-Fri 9-5.
posted
Boy do I wish I had this check-list a year ago when things started to change with my ex-boyfriend. It took me a year to fully realize what he was doing to me and get out. I can't even count the number of times I tried to break-up with him, but kept going back. It took him throwing me down a flight of stairs and raping me to finally get out. I urge anyone who answers yes to anyone of these to get out now. Not only that but when you do decide to get out, tell someone and do it somewhere public.
Posts: 2 | From: Rhode Island | Registered: Nov 2002
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posted
I'm really glad that I found this list. I need to gove it to my friend. We have all been telling her that her guy is abusive. He controls her, she is never with her friends, blames her for things that go wrong with him, get mad easily, jealous,etc. She wants to break up with him cause he has cheated on her but she is afraid that he will spread rumors about her. I think that if I give her this list it might make her want to break it off more. Thanks!!!
------------------ Through thick and thin forever, even if worst comes to worst, I Love You SO SO Much That I Am Willing To Risk EVERYTHING Just To Be With You!!! I Love You A.J.!
posted
thank you so much gumdrop girl for all the numbers and advice - i am also going to pass them on to my sister and say that she think of suggesting counselling to my brother-in-law too (although how i best go about saying that without offending her pride.... uhhhh and whether she, or anyone, will ever, ever have the courage to bring the subject up with my brother-in-law is a different thing entirely. no waaaay i am going to - and i can't think of a single person who would volunteer for that job) but it suddenly hit me when i was walking in the park and thinking about this - that despite the fact he makes life hell for everyone around him it also can't be too nice being him either (i presume) and that maybe actually he might want some help - although i can't see him getting to the point where he would admit it all the anger and rage etc would somehow get in the way first - and it would just explode into a huge mess. but one spends so much time just constatntly second-guessing yourself when you are around him so as not to do something to set him off - ridiculously so!!!! - ie should i sit in that chair/but maybe that's his chair and he is going to be annoyed/but if i stay standing maybe he is going to be irritated that i am not relaxed and he seems a bad host and that will set him off/so maybe i should sit or perhaps stand or what about a different chair etc. etc and you go through that process with almost every single action you take in his presence......!??!!! it's that crazy, you are constantly walking on eggshells - so i never have had time before to think about whether he might want help? anyway, just wanted to say thanks - i am going to get as much info as i can and somehow sneak it to my sister - in a way that neither offends her nor alerts my brother in law either - because i genuinely think that if she just leaves him he will do one of three things - a. stalk and hound her and make her life unbearable - he would be incredibly good at that! b. commit suicide by shooting himself c. kill my sister (and then likely commit suicide) i know those sound crazily melodramatic but although i believe 'a' to be the most likely outcome i also believe the other options to be possible. but i didn't mean to start up a whole new post - i wanted to thank you for your reply. all the best cj
[This message has been edited by christinejones (edited 08-13-2004).]
Posts: 139 | From: los angeles | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
This is really helpful. I showed it to my friend and she said it really helped to see all of the red flags grouped together like that so she could see what was really happening to her.
Here's a question. If someone reading this finds that a lot of those points apply to what they are doing to their parntner what would be the best thing for them to do?
------------------ You catch more flies with manure than you do with honey.
Posts: 110 | From: Worcester MA | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
well, if it's you, you seek support from a trusted adult, especially a parent or teacher.
if you showed it to your friend and your friend is checking off a lot of items, then YOU need to be ready to lend a lot of support. you can look up domestic abuse resources for your area or give us your city and state so we can help you. Make a lot of phone calls and do NOT hesitate to seek professional help. trained crisis counselors are there to help nad they know how to help better than you could alone (unless you have a doctorate in counseling).
So the big tip is to support the abused person as much as you can.
posted
I just ran across this, and I decided to comment..
What a list, let me say, a few things you wouldn't even realize were signs of abuse. But not all abuse starts early. My mom was abused by her father when she was a child, until she moved out. She met her husband and he was her rock, her protection. I don't think he got abusive till me and my brother were born. I believe my mom is scared as she grew up being abused and had no help. Now she does but she doesn't take it. I don't blame her for being scared. I wont say why. It just has to do with a hobby, or rather collection of my father's. She's threatened him with divorce. They're still together. I've dealt with abuse all my life, physical, mental, and let me tell you it's not the greatest thing in the world...if I would offer one piece of advice, if anyone is in an abusive or potentially abusive relationship, get out, get help. Think of yourself and your future.
I have a friend. She's ending her junior year in high school with us. She's due on the last day of school. That's right, she's pregnant. Her ex boyfriend raped her and was abusive. He pushed her a couple times when they were together and she forgave him. You know how you'd probably tell yourself "If I'm in an abusive relationship, I'm going to end it" sometimes, I know, it's not that simple when it actually happens. But it needs to be done. My friend is probably not finishing her last year of highschool because of this. I love her to pieces and wouldn't want that to happen to anyone.
posted
That's some pretty good advice, however - after reading some of your posts, it seems that your relationship with your boyfriend would fall under a few of those check points, no? He gets jealous when you talk to your male friends, has a history of violence. You said you're worried and don't know what to do in the relationship. Take a good hard look at the checklist and see how it applies to you now.
Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
I know, I know. I was thinking the same thing.
But he loves me. I overreact sometimes. I don't know. But I know I'm not ending things with him. Just because someone has the potential of being abusive, doesn't mean 100% of the time things will turn out that way...same with someone who has no signs, they can appear at any time; the thing my mom unfortunately found out too late--
We shall see how things go, as things are good, no great, with him again.
posted
The thing is: yelling at you, being jealous and controlling, and being violent towards other people are all not okay, full stop - whether he's ever violent towards you or not.
Think about it - it's not cool if you have to spend all your time physically dragging him away from assaulting your friends!
So, sounds like you need a serious talk with him about changing his behaviour - and maybe talking to a counsellor about it if he's having trouble doing it on his own. It's not impossible for him to change, but he needs to recognize that there's a problem and commit himself to changing.
We had a nice long talk the next day, and he realizes he needs to excerise more control in his actions. I'm complicated myself, and I can see how I frustrate him sometimes. I'm not acting innocent here either. I have my moments.
So far he's doing much better. Sometimes I just need to remind him and give him a little kick in the butt in the right direction
[This message has been edited by dream_blammerator (edited 06-03-2005).]
posted
EMOTIONAL ABUSE CAN BE JSUT AS HARMFUL OR WORSE AS PHYSICAL ABUSE! This may take a bit but bare with me...I speak from experience. I'm new to the boards but this thread, and some of the posts caught my eye. Just because a partner has not laid a hand on you does not mean they aren't abusive. Anyone who manipulates you into feeling that you aren't good enough, or hurts you continuously EMOTIONALLY can scar worse than physical abuse sometimes, and is often MUCH harder to get out of than a physically abusive relationship. For four years my boyfriend emotionally abused me and i was completely blind to it until it had done a lot of damage to my esteem and my self image. I wish I could have seen then what I do now, and that I would have had something like this post to help me realize it. I was constantly made to feel I wasn't good enough, and though I never broke his trust (and he did mine many times) I was followed, checked up on, questioned, and even forced to quit talking to guy friends of mine I had had for years, told it was my fault I was cheated on because I had "let myself go" (a whopping 10 lbs), and denied any kind of emotional support unless I "pleased" him. I was nieve and blind by what I thought was love. I now look back and don't understand why on earth I couldn't see what was going on or why I couldn't get out of it, so I knwo there are other people going thru it. NO ONE should make you ever feel like that. Finally getting out of it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I have what a REAL boyfriend should be who makes me feel wonderful and great about myself. If you are in an abusive relationship...emotional or physical you need to end it and get help before it gets too far to do somethign about or before you get hurt.
hugs to all!
[This message has been edited by Gumdrop Girl (edited 06-06-2005).]
Posts: 4 | From: NC, USA | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
my ex fit each category. he shot me down at every smile, he told me how i could wear my hair and who i could talk to. he hit me, raped me, and blamed his failures at school on me. my friends and one of my teachers begged me to leave him, but i thought that with the way he treated me, i must be a real piece o **** , and that i should be thankful to have anyone. he ended up breaking up with me online while i was pregnant with his child. he took me back- for sex, and then dumped me a week later. i miscarried the baby and got no sympathy from his sorry *** . as hard as it was and as long as it took to get over him, i'm glad. it took that rotten excuse for a human soul to give my life back. since then, i've spent a lot of time with my friends that i'd have never had, and had all sorts of wonderful experiences he wouldn't have allowed me. i know what it's like to be in an abusive relationship and what it's like to get out of one. and i'm tellin you, it's hard to get away, but it's WORTH IT. i've met lots of genuinely sweet guys who treated me like the bonnie lass i am, and i know there's plenty of single sweethearts out there who'd treat you right too. but hell, even the single life is pretty great! best wishes to you all. Posts: 9 | From: whittier, california, us | Registered: Feb 2005
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[X] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [X] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [X] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [XXXXXX] I am afraid to say no to sex [x]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [x] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [x]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
Thats what i felt like in my last relationships. i have a physical abusive boyfriend then an emotional one and then the two year big one.. Sexually abusive and emotionally abusive and manipulative... two years of that..
I took kick boxing so i'd never be hurt again by a guy. but when u have fallen inlove with the guy that sexually/emotionally abuses u you kinda dont do anything. i was scared i guess. but its over now. and now i can ACTUALLY see all that he did wrong to me. and the list goes on forthe wrong... Posts: 12 | From: nanaimo, Canada | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Well, I'm glad you were able to pull through the abuse, DragonFly. And now that you know what's wrong, you don't ever have to go there again. Shall I guess you've built a lot of confidence since then?
[] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [x] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [x]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me []I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
Is this an "abusive relationshop" or is it ok? I ticked box one for because he wasnt happy with me wearing trainers and things to places he called smart, but he stopped doing that when he realised wearing shoes are painful for my feet and that he lets me be more comfortable with my own things.
Also when he is angry he hits himself, he'll thump himself or throw his mobile up the wall. He's shouted at me before but i dont think he'd ever hit me.
-------------------- Behind every great man is a great woman Posts: 91 | From: England | Registered: Jan 2006
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Well, having ticked off two boxes is grounds to seriously re-evaluate the relationship. You haven't checked off "My partner yells at me." but did mention in your post that he's shouted at you before. So technically, I would consider that three boxes.
The bigger questions are: do you feel satisfied with this relationship? Do you feel safe? You've gotten lots of good advice in your other thread from Miss Lauren and greenapp1es. What is a red flag to me is: "Does that mean because i ticked three boxes that he could turn abusive to me? I dont want that at all to happen."
Someone doesn't necessarily turn abusive, and based on what you've written so far, he certainly has done some abusive things and shown that coping in an adult way with emotional things is not one of his strong points. He's paired up with his uncle to bully you, instead of standing up for you. These are not signs of a loving partner. I would seriously reconsider staying with this person, for the sake of your emotional safety just as much as your physical safety.
-------------------- Unlucky at cards; lucky at love. Posts: 1679 | From: London, ON | Registered: Jan 2003
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[ ] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [ ] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [ ] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [x] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [ ] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)H [ ] I am afraid to say no to sex [ ] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [ ]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [ ] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [ ] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [ ]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
He doesn't put me down all the time, and he doesn't yell at me, but he did call me a coward once. I don't really think much of this. He's not a bad person, and I definantly wouldn't call him abusive (he wouldn't (and couldn't - hehe) hurt a fly).
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Checklist [x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [x..he always ask a billion questions about everything after iv gone out with friends] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [x..he doesnt like me hanging out with guys] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [x only when hes angry,he doesnt yell at me, just mumbles it, or says it on instant messanger] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [x if there is a guy there when im with my friends, i dont tell him because i cant stand for him to get mad] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [x, not at me]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me [x..i feel like when he gets mad its my fault.]I feel like my partner's anger is my fault
I understand where some of my partners anger comes from, and like he cant trust me, because in the past I've cheated on him ..twice..both times I was under the influence, because he drives me crazy so my way of getting him off my mind was too drink..but I stopped drinking and etc.
Posts: 21 | From: Arkansas | Registered: Mar 2006
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Your partner definitely sounds abusive to me. I would absolutely recommend getting out: If he drives you so (understandably) crazy, why are you staying with him? (I mean that as a real question, like what are you getting from this relationship?)
While having been cheated on can be hard, he has no right to treat you like sh*t for it. I'm glad you have been able to take positive steps in terms of drinking, but what about the boyfriend?
Partner abuse doesn't have to be him/her screaming and hitting you in public to make it abuse, although what you describe sounds pretty blatantly bad.
I think it'd be good to talk about this on the Boards if you're still not feeling sure about it all. I'll be in and out today, but there are other volunteers and posters here, too, of course. It's not easy to talk about or take steps, but it is good that you were able to bring it up.
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Mathilde: [x] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down[/b] He doesn't put me down all the time, and he doesn't yell at me, but he did call me a coward once. I don't really think much of this. He's not a bad person, and I definantly wouldn't call him abusive (he wouldn't (and couldn't - hehe) hurt a fly).
Mathilde, what do you mean by "putting you down"? Because it's just not cool for any relationship. Do you mean the time he called you a coward or is it something else?
At the very least, confronting him about it would be good: "Hey, the time you said that I was ______? You may not have meant to be mean, but it really hurt me and I felt put down. Could you please phrase things differently, have them be conservation starters rather than feel like a quick jab at me?"
And see what he says, like if he is just repeating what his parents may have said to him ("You're such a coward if you're afraid to ____") and doesn't realize the impact of what he's saying. (Not that it's an excuse.)
quote:Mathilde, what do you mean by "putting you down"? Because it's just not cool for any relationship. Do you mean the time he called you a coward or is it something else?
Just the time he called me a coward. You're right to say that he may not realise the impact of what he said (I don't think he ever realises the impact of his words sometimes). I know it wasn't cool, and I told him this. He doesn't tell me this all the time, and if he did, I would definantly give him a piece of my mind! Of course, I should, I suppose, but considering he hasn't said it since, there isn't really a point, is there? It would be sort of like bringing up an old argument, but it wouldn't hold much steam now that it's been a while, you know?
I don't think much of it. He's not emotionally abusive (minus that bit). I will definantly try this:
quote:At the very least, confronting him about it would be good: "Hey, the time you said that I was ______? You may not have meant to be mean, but it really hurt me and I felt put down. Could you please phrase things differently, have them be conservation starters rather than feel like a quick jab at me?"
Thanks for the help. Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself to him, considering my father was/is verbally abusive, so I find it difficult at times to express my feelings (though my boyfriend and my dad definantly don't have the same traits personality wise!). Of course, my boyfriend does not know this about my father. Perhaps I should share this with him whilst explaining the coward bit?
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I think you've pretty much said it for yourself, Mathilde, in terms of working on the communication between you two.
I would bring up the "coward" situation again, not because it's bringing up an old argument but helping understanding (with a concrete example.) I agree that mentioning your dad would be good, too. Something like: "Lately I've been thinking about something from awhile back, not because I'm annoyed about it, but because I think it relates to our relationship in general." Then tell him how he may not have meant it to hurt, but it really rubbed you the wrong way, especially since your father has been/can be verbally abusive. Which is why you also find it hard at times to express yourself. And then see what he says, as well as discuss ways (locations, times, etc.) to help the two of you express yourselves better.
Good luck! You're welcome, and you know you're always welcome to continue the discussion here. (And I don't mean to open a new can of worms here, but are you otherwise happy with the relationship? Just checking in case you're bothered by something, even if it isn't in terms of abusiveness.)
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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quote:are you otherwise happy with the relationship?
Otherwise, yes. I can't think of anyone else that I would possibly be happy with, as cliche as that sounds. We get on well, and we have fun. But we'll be ending our relationship when he goes off to college next summer, which is scary for me. I'm really close with his family, so that definantly won't change, but I don't want to loose him completely. His mother is my mentor, and she will continue to be, but I still want to stay in touch with him. Atleast when he comes home for the summer. I'll be a Senior during his first year at (hopefully) MIT, so he doesn't know if things would work out. I agreed, of course.
Looking at things realistically, I don't want him to have any strings attached when he goes off to Mass. If it was in-state, then maybe... but I want him to have fun, and meet new people. Having me back here won't do him any good. I just want him to be happy.
posted
Checklist [] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily [] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot [] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers) [] My partner yells, calls me names, puts me down [X] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos) [] I am afraid to say no to sex [] My partner threatens me, or has threatened me [X]My partner hits, throws or breaks things when angry [] I am fraid to disagree with my partner [X] My partner has pushed, slapped, punched or otherwise hurt me []I feel like my partner's anger is my fault -------------------------------------------------
so my ex and i have been trying to fix things up. he had recently invited me to his family dinner (which was really important to him). and we had a great day whatever...
however he drank wayyy too much! when we got back home he flipped out on me! he didn't hit me but he grabbed my face and shoved it into my car seat. he also scratched my car.
now i had previously dated him for 3 years and i have NEVER seen him like this! he has never laid a hand on me. this is the first time that i have been scared of him!
yesterday we talked on the phone and decided that we should never see eachother...but 15 minutes later he was calling me of the hook...i didn't answer, but then...he kept texting me, saying how we wants to change things and get back together..how we're "unbreakable".
And ya know when we broke up 2 months ago things were rocky...but just recently we have gotten back on track. I was ready to give this relationship another chance, and this had to happen..so I don't know what to do or think!
Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2004
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Suffice it to say, being physically assaulted by a partner isn't a scenario in which we'd advise anyone to set themselves up for more. Someone who assaults you just plain isn't a safe person to be around, whether they were drunk or sober.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63242 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I just don't understand how someone can snap like that. and he apoligized...i really don't think he's "that kind of guy"..... and i would really love to get by this...but ya know...how can you trust them to not do it again? is their really a way?
we're supposed to talk tomorrow, and i know he's gonna be sucking up and i don't even know what to say to him... how do you make someone realize what they did changed EVERYTHING?
Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2004
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quote: how do you make someone realize what they did changed EVERYTHING?
By saying so, firmly, without giving into his begging or pleading. You said that you two had decided not to see each other anymore (or, at least, you made that clear), and he called and gave you a grandiose pity-me speech. Stand your ground.
There is no way to guarantee he won't hurt you again; in fact, if things were rocky before, then his striking you was a progression of his abusive mannerisms.
Honestly, hun, if you feel in your gut that this isn't right, leave him for good. Don't give him the chance to do anything like this again.
[ 08-24-2006, 12:30 AM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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i guess i just feel like we've been through soo much stuff....racisim, abortions, and surpassed it...I just don't wanna give up on it...and let the last three years burn up into nothing.
this is my first long term relationship and i don't feel like i can see myself with anyone else. he has shown me great things about myself, and the one guy that isn't messed up in the head. he doesn't do drugs, he takes care of himself. besides that one time, I have been the one to piss him off.and i know you're going to say well that one time was enough, but I honestly feel that he is not that kinda guy, and after being with him so long I feel like I should know if he is or not. I mean he doesn't have tendencies at all. idk
I don't even want to get back with him so soon...i just wanna start over...is it possible to start over fresh.
why is this so hard for me. am i just too naive?
Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2004
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I honestly feel that he is not that kinda guy,
You know, the fact that he physically attacked you makes him "that kind of guy".
If you steal stuff, that makes you a thief. If you murder someone, that makes you a murderer.
If a guy physically assaults a woman, that makes him the "kind of guy" who assaults women.
I just don't wanna give up on it...and let the last three years burn up into nothing.
You know, whatever you do now won't make the past change, disappear or become worthless.
But feeling that you have to stay in a bad situation because of the time you've invested in it already is a trap.
-------------------- "Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002
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he told me and i already know he's not that kinda guy...but i then told him i know he's not but that night he was. he was drunk and there is no excuse. i know that.
he's been very sincere about this whole thing and he apoligized today...and wants a future with me.
we aren't getting back together.
we definatly aren't drinking together ever again.
but we are going to be friends...
and maybe in the future, start over fresh. right now i can't even deal with a realtionship and all this bullshit because school is starting and i realllly need to do good this semester, without him.
is that an equal medium?
Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2004
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Do NOT under any circumstances be this guy's friend. Being his "friend" will keep you close enough to him that you can't get over him, and you will inevitably be drawn back into a relationship with him.
Then he'll hit you again. YES he will. He will hit you. Maybe something will break? Maybe you might need to call an ambulance?
How bad does it have to be for you to totally leave him?
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You're welcome, and you know you're always welcome to continue the discussion here. (And I don't mean to open a new can of worms here, but are you otherwise happy with the relationship? Just checking in case you're bothered by something, even if it isn't in terms of abusiveness.)
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