Hello! I am 21 years old and I cannot have an orgasm with my boyfriend of 4 months. This has made our sex life quite frustrating, and it is bumming both of us out.
I have been with 3 people prior to him, and I have realized that I have developed some habits from when I was with my first sexual partner of 2 years. During intercourse, most of the time I would be stimulating my clit while he was inside of me, and we would both climax that way. I have also touched myself to climax with the other partners, and we were both left satisfied.
With my new boyfriend, the first time we had sex, he commented on me touching myself, and asked me why I was doing that; he had never been with someone that did that, and he is used to giving all the pleasure to get his partners to orgasm. I told him that this habit was something that I have done with all of my previous partners, but he really wants to get me to climax with only him touching me.
It is very frustrating and hard for me to me to get to the point of climax without me touching myself. It almost seems as though I "shut off" when he touches me, and I never reach climax because he cannot make me feel that same feeling that I can give to myself to get me there. I have only had very seldom orgasms with my first partner touching me without my help, but overall, in all my sexual experience I only reach orgasm by my own touch alone.
Also, I have formed masturbating habits that I am still trying to break. When I masturbate, I can very easily cum by spreading my legs out in the air, and stretching my hamstrings and/or by physically tightening my perineum/anus/vulva area. It takes a lot more time and patience to orgasm any other way when masturbating.
I just need to figure out how to overcome this, and to be able to feel good to the point of orgasm when someone else is touching me. I know this is all mental, and it is also very depressing for me and my partner. I feel inadequate and unable to move past these habits I have formed in my sexual life.
Posts: 4 | From: california | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
You know, one of the biggest things about orgasm is that a lot of the time and for a lot of people there's often something or a few somethings that really work for some people, while other things are less likely to work.
That said, have you talked about why he feels your pleasure should be all about what he does, and not about what you can do together? When you think about how sex works as a couple, there's different things people can and do do in different types of positions (like when both partners move together, or when one partner holds a position and the other moves.) It may help to know why this is so different in his opinion.
As well? Have you tried figuring out what it is that you do that works so well when you touch yourself? It there's a certain way you move your hand(s) or finger(s) that helps, or a certain speed? There are things you can talk with him about, and maybe be able to teach him what works for you and your body best.
Per how masturbation works for you, can I ask why you're trying to change that? Are you trying to change because you want to feel pleasure longer, or in a different way? Or is it more because you think there's something wrong in what works for you?
Yes, we have talked about only him pleasuring me vs. us working together to get me there. His response to that is that I shouldn't have to essentially "masturbate" during sex, and that I should and that I deserve to just receive pleasure from someone else all the way to orgasm. Also, with all of his previous partners he has had no trouble getting them there with only his touch, but with me it is just not working. As for positions, we have successfully tried a variety and that is great. The only roadblock there is that I am discouraged from touching myself, and when he tries to stimulate my clit and be inside me at the same time, it is just more distracting than pleasurable.
I am very aware of what I like when it comes to pleasuring myself, but I feel that my partner has a hard time finding, and more importantly, keeping the speed/rhythm/spot that I most enjoy. That's why I feel so difficult and hard to please, because I feel like I am much too particular in what I like.
Also, that is why I feel the need to change my masturbation habits and what works for me. I feel like that is making it impossible for me to reach orgasm in any other way. I feel like my formation of this ultra particular way of getting off is hurting my sex life because I can't seem to get there any other way.
Posts: 4 | From: california | Registered: Dec 2011
| IP: Logged |
(Just FYI - please don't re-post your question, it's against the guidelines here at Scarleteen. Sometimes it takes a little bit to get an answer. (I didn't notice the other thread with this question before))
One thing I would suggest is talking with your partner about "should and shouldn't" with sex. Everyone is different, and our bodies are and work differently as well. It's why using past partners as a basis for likes and dislikes is such a flawed system. He may have been able to help other partners reach orgasm, they may not have been honest with him about not reaching orgasm, who knows but them. Either way though? You're NOT them. And your body ISN'T their body. And he can't expect yours to work the same way, it doesn't and it's not logical to think it will.
Too? I would bring up that really, we know our body better. So rather than getting discourages when your body doesn't work the way he thinks it should, it'd be helpful if he were open to allowing you to help him with your pleasure too. Because sex that happens with a partner is just that *partnered* and both parties should be playing a part in it.
Also, do you talk to him throughout? Letting him know what's working and not? What you want him to do faster? When he's found a spot that feels really good for you? Communication can happen during sex as well as before and after.
Per masturbation - you surely can experiment with other things, but you may find that what really works for you is just that, what works best for you. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.